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Fantastic discussion here.... I had to laugh because my very first post on this site, many years ago, out of the gate, and I was attacked !!! Apparently I was the first PAID caregiver to wander into this place and was Immediately told I did not belong here.... it was for family caregivers.... Like Tom Petty sings, I won't back down.... so I fired back that I had as much right to be here as any one else... it got nasty, finally admin came on and said ALL CAREGIVERS were welcome.....hmm, does that make me a pioneer??

Anyway, I have been attacked a few times thru the years, don't regret any of the skirmishes.... it was a learning curve... for all of us.....so many wonderful insights have been shared here today.... all so positive and hopeful..... but when you stop and think about it..... for the most part, we get along and when wrong we apologize.... there are hundreds of folks on here, mostly women.... think about it... and we get along most of the time.....

One thing I appreciate is there are more paid caregivers here now, so I feel if I do need to vent, I will be understood.... we get tired, impatient, wear many hats, must stay professional, ect.... but it has helped me to see how many truly appreciate THEIR paid caregiver...Yes, lots of lousy ones out there, too.... but it helps others to know what to look for.... so thank you all for such a great 'conversation' about life.... it is life after all....some days we click and get along, some days we don't.... but as a whole, this is a great site to be a member of...
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Ramiller, that's a good one! He certainly does have that problem. Must be a contortionist too - it's hard to put one's foot in one's mouth as often as he does!
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No i think you might find Donald Trump thread under foot in mouth disease!
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Well Peter Pan and Wendy... this stuff about not cussing is horsepucky! Yep, I use those phrases in an effort to not let loose at work... and some other off the wall stuff too. Had to tone down the cussing when K was a youngster..LOL
I do agree it is easier to get offended when we are not face to face.. sometimes your "mood" does not let you pick up some one being jokingly sarcastic... When I was new on here I got picked on a few times.. then I thought "the hazelnuts with that!" I just laid low a bit then I was back. If this site was only for dementia I would be gone now, as Mom does not have that. And I would miss you all terribly! If someone wants a site for dementia only there is alway the official ALZ site... but they are not as much FUN as we are!
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I also found a sense of humor at times helps me through this maze of caregiving. I just hope that some don't take it the wrong way whenever I make light of something.

It also helps me, now whenever my parents refuse to do something, I will think of something that Windyridge, for example, had said that will get me laughing [such as trying to get my parents to shampoo the rugs].

My ex-Mom-in-law [90] can find comic timing in so many things that help each of us through whatever crazy physical issue we are dealing with. Earlier this year ex-Mom-in-law broke her shoulder, and this spring I did the same thing... so we started to compare notes like us old people do, but we got to giggling about our early struggles with eating, etc. Laughter is the best medicine :0
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You GO Jude, let it all out! I ramble all the time, I think it's part of my frustration dealing with the Old Man! I know it's only going to get worse so please bare with me!
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I myself, try to punctuate my words by capitalizing first or all of my important words to express my feelings, I hope they comes across clear enough!
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I work with folks who get seriously offended if everyone doesn't agree with them, even when they're wrong or naiive. If you ask questions, they take it as a personal challenge. I say it's the way they were raised.

Some families communicate very loudly and brashly as their norm. Others barely utter a word to each other. And every combination of dynamic in between.

I know I've inadvertently offended some on here, but it wasn't my purpose to be a jerk. It was some reality orienting. I needed myself when I came here, a much milder and passive version of myself today. The strong voices of experience on this site helped guide me, push me, and helped me help myself in a very mixed up crazy situation. I walked away having heard "yes you can do this because we did it, now get off your duff and shift!"

I assume that if someone has asked a question, they actually did intend to get answers and not just molly-coddling or validation of their status quo.

Not being face to face, none of us can tell by looking who is wired to be super sensitive and can't handle direct talk, and therefore modify our approach. Some of us are just direct because we don't have time to waste and don't want to waste yours either.
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P.s. Auto spell correct stinks! (Typed another adjective but remived it). Sorry babalou
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Babsolutely, and now I understand why you say what you do, makes a big difference when reading people's answers. No I don't ever recall you being too harsh
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Cwillie, I didn't come to this site until after my mother passed. In the darker days after the funeral i was worried if I would get dementia. Started reading things and honestly don't remember how I found it. I decided to stay in case I could share something helpful for someone else. I now have my dad living with me and that is a whole other world from dementia .We learn something everyday and as a result of this post i will try and be more tolerant of others, explain my suggestions, not be too quick to judge and read ALL of the posts before posting. Also, I would like all to know that I usually answer on my phone and have so many typos due to my fat finger that I hope you all will forgive me. Hope everyone has a great day 😎
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Falcon and Windy, your senses of humor are in good form today! It's great to start the day with a good laugh.

Bookluvr, reading your post reminded me of the book Lord of the Flies. I think there's also a stronger opportunity for people to attack others on forums because they're not face to face. There are, however, forums, where this rarely occurred. Unfortunately, when it did occur the first time, dozens of the posters left. The second time really sounded the death knell as more posters left. The forum was shut down last year, after activity had dwindled to a minimum. But some of us suspected that it was just easier to utter the standard advice: "go to social media - check us out on Facebook."

In fact 3 of my favorite forums closed last year, each with the suggestion to check them out on Facebook. I began wondering if FB is offering incentives for forums to close and send their posters to FB.

Oh, BTW, Windy, I heard the Donald was considering his next acquisition: a wig shoppe. Then he won't have to worry which way to comb his hair.
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So where's the Donald Trump thread? Or would that be under bad hair day discussion...........
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One thing I truly enjoy is communicating with people from around the world.... shows that our elders are the same no matter what country you live in :)

I try to be diplomatic, but if someone starts in on politics, buckle your seat belts. I use to do political debating for 15 years on forums and in person. I was always ready and well armed with research for a good debate. But there were always those few who liked to "trump" the other writers :P Glad I don't see that here on this forum.
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Rosebush, I've read the comments about this being a site about dementia too. If that were the case I never would have come here. I acknowledge now that my mom has vascular dementia and can see it progressing, but I came here trying to figure out her physical issues. It was only by reading on the site and educating myself that I was able to name dementia as one of her problems.
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Rose, I'm probably one of the folks who, instead of trying to help folks with short term solutions, like locks on doors, asks folks to at least consider nurse me care. I do it because of the deaths of family members doing their best to care for elders who ended up in facilities ANYWAY, and who were happier there than they were at home. I try not to be ideological about it. I hope I never seem harsh.
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I am one of those newer posters. This site has a group of wonderful caring people, for example the recent post by jeannegibbs answering a question about a woman placing her husband in day care. It was a wonderful response in my opinion. Unfortunately we are all not so elegant writers (me definitely). I think that many people come on this site out of frustration and in need of immediate help. I have noticed that many people will say "time to call a nursing home" rather then say put locks on doors, etc. I think many posters give a long term solution response rather then answer the question. I guess I am drawn to these types of posts because we were fortunate to be able to keep mom at home. I know many do not have those choices. I was initially appalled at these responses but like others have said i just wait now and read what others have posted. My eyes have been opened! I do feel though that we should come to the aid of new posters who are attacked or otherwise discouraged from being on this site. I remember a post where someone was told they did not belong on this site because their loved one did not have dementia. I had to copy and past the sites mission statement, however, I honestly wanted to reply with something stronger like #¥€£ %#^, who died and left you in charge? I think all being tolerant of people's level of education, experience and problems would be helpful. I think we are all guilty of being too quick to judge. I think the comment of settling a dispute on a private post is good but remember recently reading where someone did that then the other shared it in the question. I am back to what my wonderful mom would always say "I'd you don't have anything nice to say then say nothing.
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I actually enjoy being challenged because it makes me review and rethink - as for abuse - if I see it I am afraid I dive in on behalf of other people but I am not so brilliant at taking it myself although I will stand my corner even if I am breaking inside. Challenge is fine attack and abuse are not simple as that in my book. H*ll its hard enough being a bloody care giver without some idiot hurling abuse at you too. I do shoot straight from the hip though so if you don't want an answer don't ask the question because the answer might not be what you hoped for
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I have been verbally attacked on here, but mostly I have had positive feedback to my posts. I ignore crude remarks, life is too short. I always try to be diplomatic when I post to controversial topics. Being courteous instead of rude makes more for credible advice.
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When I first came on, I didn't even know there were cliques. I mean, I have always been a loner in school - found mostly in the libraries (elementary to high school). So, I was never observant. I was posting everywhere on this site. Reading up everything I could - even on subjects that would never pertain to me (like putting a parent into a nursing home.) And then one day, I disagreed on a poster's comment but I did NOT name that poster. I just commented on My viewpoint. OMGoodness! I was attacked. And the thread's regular posters - went silent. I defended my comment. And then another poster attacked me. Then another poster whom I never saw posting on that thread, jumped in to defend me. It was such a mess! Unfortunately, growing up in a very dysfunctional family, we fight our own fights. We don't back down. We go for the throat. So, I went to my defender's wall and asked her to please stop. I can handle this, fight my own battles. (But deep inside, I was so proud of her for defending me. Just like my sibs did when outsiders would physically punch me.)

I just remember feeling so hurt and betrayed. I was posting for months on that thread and ... after that happened, Everyone Ignored me. No Likes, No response to my comments on the thread or in their private walls. I was posting but no one was responding to me at all. I Finally got the hint. And I stopped posting there. Months later, another poster made some catty remark about me when I had mentioned on another thread about no longer commenting on that thread. Another friend defended me. Because I felt so betrayed and hurt, it was she who explained to me that that thread is a clique. I was a newbie of this forum of 5 months. After she told me this, I started only reading that thread but not comment. I saw that almost every time a newbie came on, they attacked that person - until the person said that they were quitting this site. I would then go to their wall and explain to them what is happening. I would welcome them to AgingCare but gently directed them to other discussion threads. After a while, I couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped. And my friend continued where I left off. She has stopped posting here on AC. I no longer read there – at all. Too bad. That was one of my favorite threads.
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LOL, Falcon. Personally, I've never noticed any bickering. I'm glad I came in after the days of cliques. Now the worst your pals will do is like your posts.
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too and^ not to any
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Well as you all now I am the quiet one on here and I agree with EVERYTHING EVERYONE says, I never effing swear and I believe that I have been given the opportunity to care as a gift and that it is my duty to the state to care for my darling mother who is an absolute angel and never done a thing wrong in her life.

Mum once told me if I told lie my tongue would swell up and I wouldn't be able to talk intelligibly any more - in this day and age I suppose my fingers would swell to any nothing I would write would make sense either ....

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Yes, I thought clicking like would let you know that I understood you were just kidding. Thanks for asking.

I just feel like at my age with my experiences and not working anymore that I can reflect on life and share various insights from time to time. Thanks to all for listening and your feedback when something I say actually helps someone.
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Magnum you know I was just kidding Right? Ramble as much as you like.
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I remember the days of the "cliques" Sort of like an episode right out of Star Wars which I hope we never fall into that dark side again.

Ok, I'll hush. I'm unwinding from my therapy session today which did not provided enough time.

JeanetteB, thanks for the compliment but I don't have the degree or the clinical training to do it.
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I think I would like to hire cmag as my personal counselor.
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Yeah me too Gershun!
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Yeah Magnum I have an issue with your long winded rambling......My God!

Just Kidding......:)
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I like healthy debates when we focus on ideas and how to put ideas into practice, various options that a person may or may not have realistically, but when it gets personal that's when we start getting unhealthy.

A very, select few times, I've seen it impossible to debate issues, ideas, practices, or options because the person was such an ideologue that they were not free to dialogue in the world of various way of seeing things, various choices that could be made if they weren't so entrenched against considering options.

In my opinion these discussion never become a healthy debate because they never become a debate. I just figure the person is not ready yet and in due time with more unfolding events in their life, they just might open up. And even then, you don't go rushing in with the whole train load of ideas, options, etc.

We must respect where each person is even when it frustrates us for ultimately it is their choice. I think we need to love them where they are and not make them feel abandoned although they might abandon us.

The thing I keep remembering is that most of us will not reach out for help beyond ourselves until the pain of the problem gets worse than the pain or shame of reaching out for help. . We like being self-sufficient as individuals which is good, but sometimes our individualism goes into hyper drive and crashes.

My I am long winded tonight and rambling.
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It's not nearly so bad as it was 2 or 3 years ago on here. There were once cliques of people. If one of the people in the clique jumped on somebody, all the cronies would join in to drive the offender off the group. It could get pretty nasty like a swarm of wasps descending on the hapless victim. The squabbles that come up now are pretty tame.
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