After reading some of these I’m almost afraid to post mine. In all fairness to both sides of the fence- it’s not possible to know every detail.
Ok so have to make this quick: Mom DX with Alzheimer’s 6 yrs ago, gave POA to sis, med proxy to me (I’m an RN). Mom originally wanted to build mother in law suite on my property and changed mind after $30k in and nearly finished. Sis got angry because mom didn’t want to gift same amount of money to her, although I lost money on this as I can’t fix up house and have half a house on property to this day, eyesore. When we went to MO. To pick up mom to move her to FL where I live, sis didn't even say bye to mom or speak to me for 6 months.
Fast forward 6 months- house almost done and plan was to avoid nursing home as I could care for her in later phases of AZH progression. Mom started getting nervous and decided to move back to MO. Where she had her closest sister She was bery. Although it was a financial loss and I wasn’t sure she was making the best decision for her health we callled my sister and told her. Now she becomes daughter of the year, begins speaking with mom over the phone daily and swoops down with insults trailer to mover her back up to MO. And straight to attorneys office to ensure she was POA.
One other note: I immediately put mom's account in app that my sister had access to so she could make sure her money etc was being spent wisely while in FL. As soon as mom signed POA to sister, many things changed. My mom lived with her sister for two years before things got too bad but sister took her debit card and check book and gave my aunt her share of rent and small amount for food only. My mom received over 2k a month and also had 200,000 dollars on account. I never asked and was never given any info regarding spending or how much was left until it was clear she was declining and needed nursing home. Then there was no money left except mom's IRA accounts, etc. I’m not entirely sure where this money went but it was clear that my sister bought a Harley, a boat, two purebred German Shepherd puppies, a house, while never selling old house, a cruise, a new vehicle, and numerous vacations, including one to look for another home to use as rental property.
This from a sister who also was begging my mom to give her 10k the prior two years ago so she could get I to this new house and sell her old one. My mom was DX with kidney cancer as well during this time. My sister went to oncologist after consult and told him she didn’t want anything done to save her life or prolong it besides antibiotics. She couldn’t find her living will so faded me one that she had already filled out saying antibiotics only, no food, no oxygen, nothing and had me sign it since I am med proxy. Luckily the cancer is very slow moving and doc doesnt believe treatment is needed. Fast forward to now. She states mom is delusional and asked me if hospice would be free. I stated she wouldn't have to pay out of pocket like she is for nursing home she is but that you cannot just elect hospice, it’s a doctor's order. I stated she usually would have to stop eating, lose weight, etc. with Alzheimer’s for doc to order hospice.
She then asked if hospice could be at her home. I stated this could also happen. She then told me she would just stop feeding her since she isn’t able to make herself food and doesn’t ask for it anyway, and doesn’t want to live like this anymore. She stated she asked her fiancé about this as well. I told her I understand it’s horrible what she is going thru but we don’t have that decision to make. Also it’s illegal. I believe she is trying to get her hands on the money left in in the will as quickly as possible.
I don’t care about the money so much BUT I do care about my mom. She would be absolutely horrified at what’s happening. My sister hasn’t been there to visit my mom or my Dad for years upon years and in fact loathed them and now she has everyone charmed and thinking she is the best daughter ever when they are about to pass away. She even buys Christmas for her family on my moms card and floats about it then won’t send my daughter a 50.00 check that my mom actually did remember and was questioning her about. She hung up the phone. She has been telling lies to my dad, who passed away this January. To the extent that she flew down to stay for a week and when I asked my step mom if I could come up the day he died she said it was tooo much and to wait til tomorrow. I am hurt honestly and she is the last of my living family. I’m not sure what the laws are but I cannot let this go on. Now that she is basically getting a hospice consult and pushing this thru so she can keep food from my mom. It makes me ill. Just wondering what my rights are. Sorry for the length but I had to vent...we also lost my only other sibling a couple years before my mom got really bad. She was completely the opposite of this sister, she and my mom knew she was only after money and had serious grudges against our parents. No one else is alive that I detest ads or advocates for my mom by me. They are all being lied to and manipulated. Any advice much appreciated
If you (as a nurse) were taking care of a patient and one of that patient's family members talked to you about hospice for your patient and then told you:
"she (the family member) was not going to get an order for hospice for the patient but would just stop feeding her (the patient) since the patient isn’t able to make herself food and doesn’t ask for it anyway, and doesn’t want to live like this anymore." What would you as a nurse do? Would you ignore the statements made by the family member of your patient or would you contact the social worker or social services or the doctor or Adult Protective Services or Ombudsman so that your patient can receive proper care?
If your answer is yes, then you need to do the same for your Mother as she is also "Your Patient" even though she is related to you. Please do not let yourself get so wrapped up in your negative relationship with your sister that you overlook the needs and welfare of your Mother. I know that sometimes it isn't easy being an advocate for a family member when you are a health professional. Please think about what you would do for one of your patients and then do the same thing for your Mom. Good Luck and God Bless.
1. Try contacting the attorney who drew up the POA paperwork and see if he/she will answer a few questions free of charge. Sometimes they will. Try to narrow your statement down to just the facts so they can better see the issues as clearly as you see them. You're entitled to your emotions, but anyone who's willing to help you will only want facts. I learned that the hard way & I'm trying to save you some additional sadness.
2, If the attorney will not answer questions free of charge (or if you don't know who the attorney is who did the POA papers), arrange to discuss these issues with an elder law attorney for a fee and see what's recommended legally.
3. Since you have medical proxy, are you free to call your mom's doctor(s)? Even in an emergency, they will hide behind confidentiality rules - even when it's life or death. My opinion is (and I've had some success with this) that if they are being told someone's life is on the line - they need to deal with that. However, it's much simpler if they have permission to speak to you. Even if they don't have permission, you might be able to present a hypothetical situation and ask for general advice - which might still be very helpful. (Since you said you're a nurse, I don't know what type of nursing you do. I'm not trying to waste your time telling you something you already know).
4. Call your city or county and find out how to report elder abuse. The police dept might also know how to report something like this. If your sister is seriously considering not feeding your mom & your mom is unable to feed herself & she's not in hospice, then it appears to be abuse and/or neglect not to feed the person.
5. If she's ever in need of Medicaid, all of that money which appears to be missing could be problematic & would need to be explained somehow. I know that a certain amount is allowed to be "gifted" to others per year, but the vacations, the Harley, etc seem like WAY too much. In my state, we have a "Five year look back" on all Medicaid applications to try to present the elderly from hiding their money by putting it in someone else's name and then claiming poverty.
I hope this helps in some small way. Money makes people crazy - and that's probably the understatement of the year.
Has mom's doctor stated that he/she believes that mom is mentally incapacitated? If your mom is incapable mentally of making her own decisions, you may need to step in and petition for guardianship in order to protect her.
My sister was living with mom and began managing mom's money, and ended up stealing most of mom's savings, putting mom's car in her name only, and putting her name on the deed to mom's house. Mom told me she signed the titles but only because my sister was threatening her if she didn't. She had mom sign the house deed the day after mom was released from a psychiatric facility. She also physically abused mom, and I strongly believe she was trying to harm mom by playing on her fears, incorrectly administering her insulin, and doping her up for the same reasons you mentioned.
Mom is living with me now, and while she has never by any means been an easy person to live with, and yes she gets on my nerves frequently and I whine on here a lot lol, she didn't deserve to go through what she did with my sister. I've seen some improvement since we have gotten her meds adjusted and she is out of that abusive environment. I was eventually appointed mom's guardian after mom's attorney became aware of everything that was going on, and he is currently trying to straighten out the mess with her property to have the transfers nullified since they were done after mom's doctor had stated she was incapacitated.
It is possible that you might get a Medicaid waiver if APS suspects wrongdoing and criminal charges are filed against your sister for theft of that money. That too would be a good question for the attorney.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you are able to step in and advocate for your mom.