Alone in caring for dying mother.

Tks Jaye and N1K2R3 .........

Bookworm - Tks so much for your word of comfort, I have had problem with God before all these happened too. Haven't "talk" to God for 4 - 5 years. But since this happened, has started to talk to Him again but it's just small steps, am not going fullblast by start attending mass, etc ...... but I do believe yes, He was here all the way and I thank Him for letting me see my mum "leaving" ......

Suzmarie - I soooo agree with you, I can't wrap my mind around human suffering too .... esp now, every morning I wake up with a painful stabbing feeling in my heart coz I miss my mother so much ... why do I have to go thru this ?? Why everyone has to go thru broken heart like this ?? Only God knows why ........

I am having a hard time with God too. I grew up Catholic so alot of guilt was put on us young children, example, we had to say in confession if we lied to our parents. I think kids who grew up Catholic have more guilt issues that the general population, but thats my theory. I am not particularly religious either...i am in agreement with the ten commandments, being kind to others, honesty etc However, I just don't understand why God just didn't create humans and then have all of them die, when it was their time, the same, suddenly and at peace. I don't understand the human suffering piece at all....I don't think God's hand are in anything either but I do believe he gave us a concious and a brain to act in the most loving ways. I just can't wrap my mind around human suffering....i better stop or this will be a religious rant

Hi Marie, I'm so,so sorry about your mom. I recall your first question weeks ago on another thread when you were trying to figure out what was wrong with her. You Did The Best That You Can! Like Mary mentioned, you were so worried about mom, that you actually went on the website looking for an answer! You contacted your sister, and she flew over.

It was NOT a coincidence that you just happened to be passing by your mother's door and saw her breathe her last breathe. She had tears on her eyes - meaning that she must have known you were there and she was not alone when she left. It was NOT a coincidence that your aunt happened to be there when your mom died.

Mary, this is not a coincidence. God had guided everyone to be there when your mom died. Her sister was there. Her daughter was there. Your mom was not alone when she died.

One day, when the pain is not so bad, when you can look back with your heart, mind and soul - you will see that a very loving God had directed all of you together. I'm not very religious now because I'm having problems with God - my fault - but I truly do see the ways He has tried to help me but...I keep shying away. One day...I will accept His help, until then, I will be a hypocrite and point out to others when I see His hand at work. God was there when you're mom died.

Please take care..Hugs from all of us!

rmarie: So sorry to learn that your Mum has passed away. My condolences to you.
May she Rest In Peace.

oh Marie... take care...my thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

Dear All ...

Just want to share that I feel so blessed to see her go and it happened so fast that after all is said and done, I still feel the time spent with her during her last moment was just too short lived.

As usual, I will check on her every time I passed by her room. As usual yday morning I just stood at the door to just see if she is ok and I saw her took a long deep breath and breath out .... so I quickly went and check on her and when her chest is not even moving, I shouted out to my aunt. My aunt came and she said oh ... she is no more ....

I quickly held her hand and cried out to her, keep on calling her ma .... ma !!! and when I saw tears flow from the corner of her eyes ... I knew she is gone, I cried and said to her, just follow Jesus ... just follow Jesus and don't worry about me, don't worry about anything anymore ...

Everything seems to fall into places when I think about it.

1st - my aunt used to leave my house round 7 or 8 am but yday, she stayed until 10am .....

2nd - the timing that I see my mum took her last breath ... if only I missed it or I checked on her later by 5 mins ... I would not see her go .... when I think of this, I still feel so scare, how if I have missed her going .... but praised the Lord, I didn't ... I will forever treasure the moment ..... it's heart breaking but I am still thankful .....

I cried when I read you guys are lighting candles for her, again bless your heart, you are really kind soul, I cannot offer anything in return, just ask God to bless you for your actions and thoughts for a stranger that you just knew in front of your computer.

Emotionally I still feel down, last nite can't even sleep, all kinds of flashbacks and regrets came to mind, how my r/ship with her before this was so bad, why didn't I treat her nicer when she was well, and why i didn't save her from the fall ?? I told God let me die after settling her burial ... I am not worthy to live .....

Anyway, hope this phrase will go off soon and I will be better ....

Again tks to all for your concern .... God bless you all !!

Marie, my heart goes out to you. You were so good to your mum. She is at peace now, and God knows you did your best to see her through to her eternal life. We are here for you if you want to talk about how you are feeling. I am going to light a candle for your mom and you right now. Love and blessing will come to you for what you did for your mum. ((((HUGS))))) and love to you.

God Bless. You did your best for your Mom. You were there.

Oh, Marie, I am so sorry.
You have been a great daughter. You have done everything you can.
There comes a time when God says it is time to go.
It hurts so bad.
You may doubt yourself, please don't. You have done so much, worked with the medical people, even went on line to get information and help, and support.
I will light a candle for your Mom. God bless you both.
Mary

Oh my dear, I am so sorry. We were concerned before her death and I am equally concerned now. This has been a rough road for you and mom. You did so much for her and we all prayed for both of you. Please keep writing to us to receive support.
I am so sorry to have read this this morning at 7:30 a.m. california time. May your mother rest in peace.

My mum passed away this morning at 10am .... tks for all the concern, God bless your heart ......

My mom had a really bad bedsore from being in the hospital for a month. The bedsore was going inside her muscle. Quite gross. When she returned home, her private areas were super red and she winced whenever I cleaned it. I had to use a LOT of different ointments to heal just THAT one.

Thern with her bedsore...it was gross (for me). I have always been lightheaded when I see blood or a child's yellowish nose snits, etc... But the home care nurse told us that we need to buy this very expensive patch. It's a square shape - one is $10.00. I went and bought several. Then to make it last long, I cut it small to cover her sore. Slowly, I can see her inside muscle was healing. We were able to halt the deepening of the bedsore! If you can find this patch, I recommend you get it: DUODERM. (In our island, only ONE pharmacy sold it.) You clean the wound first. Then cut enough patch to cover the hole and the skin around it. Keep it clean as possilbe and for about 2 or 3 days. Then, slowly peel it. clean the wound, and put a new Duoderm. Since mom's wound was deep, I think we spent about $100.00 on those patch! She still has the bedsore but it's no longer sunken. You can see her inner skin. Her outer skin is damaged and will not cover the 2nd skin below it.

You are in a small town in Malaysia.
I didn't know that, I am very sorry.
I am in the US and we forget just how many services we have here.
It is wonderful your aunt comes and stays the night. Even tho she is basically just sleeping there, it is probably a great comfort to have her there. God bless her........

It sounds like you are doing the very best you can. You are paying attention to the big stuff and the little stuff.
You cannot make your Mother better - that is not something you can control.....

Keep her comfortable, kind words, a kind voice, the music is a great idea. Your dog is a great comfort to your Mom, even if Mom cannot see or touch the dog, she can hear and smell the dog - I think my grandmother missed her pets most of all..... You mentioned listening to Christian music so I am assuming you are Christian..... If your Mom is Catholic and religious, she may take comfort in praying the Rosary, or hearing someone else pray. Again, if she is Catholic or Orthodox you can contact the Church and someone may be able to come to the house and bring communion (I know Malaysia is primarily Muslim and some Christian practices may be frowned upon)..There is also the Sacrament of the Blessing of the Sick when a priest comes and blesses your mother with water and oil and if your mom is Catholic she will want this........other Christians have prayer groups that may visit and pray together with your Mother.
.I was once very, very sick and I enjoyed hearing about day to day things - I got tired of always thinking about my own illness so feel free to talk about your day, the neighbors, the dogs' antics, and so on. It is OK to be funny or silly sometimes. I liked to be near the window sometimes, and I enjoyed hearing the neighborhood children playing outside, I enjoyed hearing the birds in the trees, and I liked to feel the breeze on my face........It is also Ok to be quiet sometimes, you don't have to keep talking and talking.........Play her favorite tv or radio station.......
. Food and water when she will take it because you want to prevent dehydration if possible, but she may not want to drink. Try spoonfuls of water, small ice chips by the spoon if you have them... some people like to use a damp washcloth to keep the lips moist. However, there comes a time when food and water will be refused and in fact can be painful. ......swallowing can become difficult or painful......
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Bedsores will continue to be a problem. Here in the US, when the bedsores get too bad we can put our loved one in the hospital, but it sounds like you do not have that luxury. So, keep Mom as clean as you can, ointment will help if you have it, letting the bedsores breathe and dry out is very helpful, the eggcrate foam is an excellent suggestion - moving your Mother may cause her pain and she may not like to lay on her side while you let the sores breathe, clean sheets or at least some type of clean pad or towel or blanket under her . My experience with bedsores is that at some point, no matter how clean you keep them, no matter how much professional medical care she receives, the bedsores win. An infection gets into the body and all the medicine in the world will not make it go away-frequently organ failure......

.Please know that you are doing a good thing by caring for your Mother. God will be pleased with you, both for your good heart and your good deeds.

rmarie. You are a strong lady. Thank goodness your aunt is helping you at night. You are doing the best you can do in a very hard situation. I will pray for peace to and comfort to come to you and your momma. Sometimes, there is nothing we can do but pray. (((hugs)))

Terrimerritts can't read. It was nice of you to respond however. I know about the costs of good medicine. I had to put my mother in a nursing home because her money ran out and she didn't have money for assisted living or a memory care. Can you call the pallative care people and ask if they would help you with your mom? Are there private caregivers in your town that would help you? Are there church members that would help you? Or, church people that would simply sit with you as a companion. Will a priest or nun come to your home? A teenage female that could cook something simple like soup/rice etc and you pay her a small amount. I know in caring for my mom i often just wanted company or someone to do a load of wash or go to the store for me. I had one caregiver on one occasion who spent the night here because I was afraid to be alone. Will someone give your mom the medication she needs for pain such as morphine?

Hi Terrimerritts, there is no hospice care in my town and my mum is already 83, weak, bedridden, as skinny as a skeleton, so the doctors said her organs is shutting down ....

All I want to do now is make her as comfy as possible and let her go in peace .....

I think you need a second opinion. I have seen way too many people get diagnosed as dying when they are no such thing. Bedsores are common in bedridden people of all ages and also in those who have paralysis and use wheelchairs. You need to have a visiting nurse come and show you how to treat it. I learned how to cut gangrene out of my grandmother's and to use the meds they gave me to clean and then pack it and bandage it. Perhaps if you sign up for hospice care, they can send someone out regularly to help with that and so you won't be alone. I can understand how scary that is. I've had 5 die on me since 1985 and it is sad.

Wow .... so many replies ... am so thankful for you guys.

Well, I am from Malaysia and there is no hospice care in my town, sad to say that.

On the night I came home, I prayed hard for help to come, what I need most is a companion and miracle happened !! My aunt called up and offer to stay with me during the night. She said even tho I tell ppl that I can manage if my mum pass but when the time comes, I will panic. So I am so grateful that she is here with me. She only come in the evening and will sleep over and goes off in the morning as she has her own home and own things to attend to.

Now let me reply each of you individually.

Mommag - my mum is not in pain unless I move her. I hate moving her but I have no choice as I need to change her diaper and we do have this ripple mattress placed under her to help reduce any new sore. It don't help 100% but I guess it's better than nothing. I have no problem in cleaning her wounds (learned how to cleaned it while staying with her in the hospital for a week). Just that it breaks my heart to see it.

N1K2R3 - I am from Malaysia and there is no hospice service in my town. We do have palliative care here but it's mainly for cancer patients.

Jave - that is indeed so wonderful Jave, we really do need all the help we can get at time like this esp. emotional support.

Lastowski – am glad to hear that your mum is doing well under the hospice care.

Frankie – too bad I don’t have it in my country.

Wishweweredead – sorry to hear that you are in the same boat with me, hope things are better with you and may you get stronger each day, believe me, you will ......

Desert192 – how I wish there is a number that I can call ..... ;-((

Mary213 – how I wish I can afford to call those doctors to come in. There is one Homecare here but it’s under private and I cannot afford to pay the fees they charge. That is why I tell my friend, only rich ppl can have comfortable treatment. So sad .....

Hawkwings7 – Yes, I do have a pet dog and he is my only joy now. No matter how upset / angry I am, when I look at him, I smile. I did let my mum listen to some Christian song, I know she can hear them even though she is not responding to anything now. She has even stopped talking .... Yes, I do call up some friends when things are too much to handle ....

Suzmarie – yes, I told the doctor that I am alone and cannot cope, she just say sorry, the hospital bed is not enough. What to do, no hospice in my town .....

So once again thanks to all that has respond, God bless you guys !!

The hospital care manager or social worker should have been giving your resources before you left....this s abandoning the patient and i think medical professions can be charged with below standard of care for doing this...they can't just say "leave" they have to ensure you are in capable hands...as a therapist i can't just abandon a patient; i have to give the patient resources before i discontinue treatment

Please my dear take some time, even if it is just for a moment or two for yourself as well. This is tough on you as well. I am only child, no spouse or kids and my dad is ill in hospital so I can relate. Does either one of you have a cherished pet? Some small animals provide enormous comfort and aren't too much trouble. Some people bring in funny movies, musical greeting cards, a balloon, a few flowers or even a stuffed animal just to 'play' and bring joy back into the room. Or soft music, does she like to listen to soothing music? Prayer and/or meditation for me is a lifesaver I pray all the time even when angry or upset LOL. Is there a local support group you could attend an hour a week for yourself? Or just call a friend. It's a struggle I know I just take one day at a time.

I wanted to add that if you get some of those thick foam egg crate bed pads and double and even triple them in layers under her bottom and back (put them under her sheets and waterproof mattress protector) that could offer a cushion that may help with the bedsores. There are ointments to cover them to help heal. We are here to lend you an ear and any help we can think of. Hang in there!

I helped my grandmother many years ago, similar to your situation. As others have said, you are doing the best you can. Really. Keeping mum clean and comfortable, food and water when she will take it, may really be the best you can do. Those bedsores are frightening to look at and care for. Get on the phone and look for help to come into the house to help you and help your mum. Hospice. Medicare. You want mum to be comfortable and as pain-free as possible, they can help you with that. Asking for some help is good for your mum, it is smart.

I agree with all - call Dr. and tell him/her you want Hospice care for you Mom now. It is covered under Medicare. (Call local Hospice care provider - they may be able to expedite start of services - in some areas there are "in hospital" hospice services available.
Applause to you for not bailing on your Mom. Now make a few phone calls and get the help she (and you) need.

I only wish that I was mentaly well enough to offer comfort. As with your situation, I am in the same boat. My doctor has scheduled Shock Treatments now, since the mental ward of the hospital cannot take Autistics, due to the fact we have bad reactions to the mandatory drugs given there.

hospice is also a medicare benefit... many people don't know that...

yes, hospice is the way to go as I have always heard good things about them

I would also encourage you to call a hospice service in your area. I am in similar situation, however Mom is in an AL facility with hospice services coming in for her, I visit everyday and with the telephone support of my brother, we are working on week #7. She is clean, dry and comfortable and when God is done with her here on earth, he will take her. . . I feel this is his way of preparing us for her to leave us. . . it's not easy, but I do what I can when I can. We are all blessed for having them all so long. . .

I would really encourage you to get hospice care. My experience with hospice was wonderful. They came and helped with medication and eqipment we needed. We had a social worker to talk with, a nurse who cam regularly we could have had a bath aide. There was a chaplain who visited. All there help was wonderful! My son who is a nurse and I were able to care for my Dad, such as bathing etc... which is what he wanted. The hospice staff did whatever else we needed and they were wonderful to my Mom. Please get some help, you should not be alone. take care and God bless!!!

What city and state are you residing in? Name and Town, name and town. I may have a suggestion.

Is there a hospice where you live? If your mom is in pain, you could call her doctor and explain what she needs. Other than that, you are doing the best that you can. Offer some soft food like yogurt, ice cream, pudding...keep her clean, love her and hug her, she will feel your kindness and care. (((hugs)))