Follow
Share

My brother and I promised our parents they could visit their home anytime they wanted. (It's a mile away) After two weeks they say they hate AL and want to go home. Now my brother won't let them visit. He and the director think they will adjust quicker if they don't visit their home and their dog. This seems condescending to me. As if they are just getting used to a new school. Being told you cannot go home, would be devastating to most people. I guess there are those who adjust to the cold in stages. And there are those who jump right in. As long as everyone ends up in the AL pool eventually, what is the issue.? Who is it really benefiting? It just seems to show a lack of patience and understanding as I see it. It leaves their say out of the equation. We take away so many of their freedoms because they cannot safely do them anymore. I'm having a very difficult time with it.

To me it seems like cruel and inhumane treatment to "tease" your parents by allowing them to "visit" their home, and then say oh no sorry, now you have to go back to the AL.
It's kind of like rubbing salt into an open wound. So, quit playing with their emotions and stop bringing them to "visit" their home, when their home is now the assisted living facility they're in.
And I know that you say that YOU are having a hard time with this, but this really isn't about you at all anymore, it's about what is best for your parents.
(2)
Report

If you were to take them home to visit again , they may pull a sit down strike and refuse to leave . Then you will really have “ a very difficult time with it “. Will you give them “ their say “ ?
(1)
Report

They don't want to "visit" home, they want to STAY home. Which they can't. So what is the point of allowing them to visit? To tease them? Bring their dog by the AL to visit them, as strugglingson recommends.

We know from where we speak, OP.
(3)
Report

can you bring the dog over to the AL for a visit?
(3)
Report

try to delay the idea of a visit for a while until they are settled. can keep postponing it for a while.
its best to be settled and at have, within ones capacity, the idea in their mind that the AL is now home. Then the visit home may be ok
(1)
Report

I agree with Way, it looks on the surface to be a nice thing to bring them home for a visit. But when they need to go back, there is a struggle, they don't want to.. Imagine doing that over and over.

It's better they adjust to their new home.
(0)
Report

Your parents need time to adjust to the new normal. If you being them home you just reset the clock each and every time. At this point in their lives you have to give them what they need (AL) and not what they want (home).
(1)
Report

They will not adjust as well if you keep bringing them home , especially if they have dementia .

Most people don’t keep going back home. Many of them have their homes sold to pay for AL.

Honestly I think it’s cruel to bring them home again and then repeatedly be removed from their home over and over again .
It’s just resetting the grief button over having to leave their home. Then they are regressed to step one again , starting over , in dealing with their grief and adjustment .

That was an error to promise to bring them home to visit . Why would you want to even watch their reaction everytime they had to leave again ? It is devastating to leave your home , stop repeating the devastation .

You are trying to grant your parent their wishes . But you can’t because what they really wish is to turn back time . You can’t fix old .
(3)
Report

Wamps62, welcome to the forum. When you get a chance, please fill out your Profile which will help us get a better understanding of the situation.


Usually when our elders are moved into senior living, depending on their physically and memory health, it is recommended by the Staff NOT to take the elders out to see their previous home. Sadly, you and your brother had made a promise to your parents without understanding the whole situation. Now the Staff has to deal with the fallout, making their job much harder.



My Dad moved to Memory Care facility just a couple miles from his previous house. Not once did I take my Dad out to visit his house or even my house. That would disrupt the routine that the Memory Care was carefully trying to instill. My Dad was happy as a clam feeling safe in his new environment.
(2)
Report

Wamps, I do not have a loved one in AL but everyone a poster ask if they should let them visit home. It is a NO from everyone.

It really confuses them and they don't want to go back to the AL.

Your brother may have talked to the staff and they explained it to him.

I'm sorry I can imagine how hard this is but I do think it's the right decision, based on everything I've read
(3)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter