Cared for my father for two years, now I am being accused of stealing from him!!

You say you never took any money from your dad and that he gave you permission to spend his money. You also say he has dementia. A person with dementia loses his/her ability to reason well. Their judgement becomes impaired. They are very easy to take advantage of. If you say your dad, who has dementia, gave your permission to write checks, then you were taking advantage of him. Also, there is such a thing called "Elder Financial Abuse", and an elder person does not even have to have dementia to be taken advantage of in this way. Your should Google it and read about it. Many elderly parents who are dependent on one of their children fear losing that child's caregiving. The more dependent they become on the caregiving child.... also, the more trusting they become. Elderly parents who need care tend to be more isolated than younger, healthier people. This helps them to be set up to be taken advantage of. A child who has emotional problems, drug or alcohol problems, financial problems (i.e. being unemployed), has anger toward their parent, etc, is more likely to take advantage of their parent by spending their parent's money. It is also easy for these kind of children to feel "entitled" to the money for taking care of the parent. You should look this up. It's common, it's abusive, and in some states, it's illegal.

Document, document, document every single expenditure and purpose. Be prepared to repay anything you "borrowed" when Dad was incompetent, but also don't stand for false accusations. Get the statements and be able to show what the money went for. You may want to mail an annotated copy of documentation to your supsicious siblings. Real abuse does happen, and it may good that they are aware of this, but they don't need to be taking Dad's accusations at face value either, and SHOULD be aware that false accusations happen a lot too.

I guess I would round up as much documentation as possible to prove what happened with the money. 20K in expenses over two years seems pretty reasonable to me. Tell your brother how the money was spent and remind him he had access to your dad's information too, so why is it just now becoming an issue? I suspect your brother expected to see more money in your dad's account and your brother was planning to rely heavily on that money to take care of your father, not fully realizing how expensive it was for you to care for your father. Ask your brother if he thought you were fully financially supporting your father, and tell him that wasn't possible but you did give him shelter, care, companionship and also gave your father money to spend from his account when your father requested it.

You say "Sad thing about it my Dad is going to do whatever my brother says for him to do. Can anyone please give me any advice on what I can do?" What's that about? What is your brother telling your father to do?

Maybe a third party mediator could sit down with you and your sibs and iron this out. The mediator needs to be someone who is neutral and agreed upon by all of you. It doesn't necessarily have to be someone you need to pay, although that might be necessary.

Every time I read "we paid some bills" or "bought something that was OK" my blood begins to boil. There is only one word for this: VULTURES. I hope every last one of them ends up in the county hoosegow. They justify their larceny as "helping out". Bullsnot! Your parent owes you NOTHING. You take their money because you just don't know any better way to live. They would be better off in a Nursing Home than spending their final days watching you squander their pensions. Kudos to the relatives that are putting a stop to it. If I caught my relatives abusing Mom's pennies, I would break both their hands.

I took over the paying of my parent’s bills about 4 years ago when it became apparent that my mother (who now has middle stage dementia) was avoiding the bill collectors and not paying her bills. It was about the time that we were trying to get my father out of the skilled nursing facility because Medicare was no longer going to pay for his care and I had to get him qualified for Medicaid so that he could die at home, which was his wish, and which happened last year.
I ended up finding out that my parents had several liens on their house. They hadn’t paid their taxes in over a year and a half and had about 20 bill collectors looking for payments.
I ended up paying that money out of my own pocket so that my parents could stay in their home. I ended up over the past 6 years spending over $50,000 of my own money to buy them groceries, go there twice a month to ensure that my niece wasn’t taking advantage of them and to check on the home health care providers that we hired. I couldn’t even get my niece to go there once a week to fill the pill box so I had to go once a month to do it because no one else would.
I have 8 siblings. Only a couple of them visited once or twice a year and they pissed and moaned that they had to spend all this money to go out there, gas, etc. I had to stay at a hotel each time that I went out because my parents house was so mice infested, covered with cat hair, had mold in all the bathrooms and kitchen, cockroaches all over, that I would literally be sick the two weeks after visiting them. I had one week a month where I would be healthy and then have to return.
You know what my siblings say about all the money I spent on my parent’s needs for the past 6 years. They tell me I spent it because I WANTED to spend it. Who the f*&ck wants to spend their own money, run up credit card bills, and spend all that time traveling back and forth. I did it because my parents would have ended up out on the street, or with no heat one time, or with no food because my niece had spent all the money out of my mom’s checking account. I did it because it was the right thing to do.
I am so very thankful that my husband told me to save every fricken receipt for every expenditure. I don’t want any of my siblings to accuse me of stealing from my parents. I have proof of everything I spent, and you should too. If you spent it for your parent’s care, then you need to have a receipt to show what you spent the money on.
Periodically I would reimburse myself from my parents account to cover an expense that I had to pay out of my pocket. I’m sure my siblings are going to question all of that. Bring it on, I say. Because if they do, then I will certainly be claiming more of those expenses when the final distribution of assets occurs.
I get so tired of people accusing others of doing wrong when they have no idea what has gone on.
Document, document, document.
And, I will certainly have all of those documents when it comes time to file for her Medicaid in a few months.
That’s my rant for the day.

PinkLA, you have every right to rant!! The only other option you had to help Mom and Dad would have been to try to shepherd them through bankruptcy proceedings if that was possible; it *might* have kept your personal expenses less than 50K. I spent about 16K out of pocket that I could document, and I was blessed that I never needed to go through all those reams of papers and slips and actually make a coherent report of it all. Even so, it turned out we might have had a penalty for spending about half that much or her money (sale of house proceeds) on adapting a vehicle for her, as it was not her vehicle she originally owned (which was not adaptable and was sold and money paid for care), and even if we had gone to the trouble to transfer title it might not have been an allowable expense had we actually needed to get her on Medicaid. Other options would have taken a bunch more or her, our, or Medicaid's money in the long run, and the 16K or my own I had put into her care plus travel would not have mattered to them. But, I don't think I would have done it much differently. And, I do think I would have been upset if someone accused me of "taking" money versus what actually happened.

A few weeks ago, I performed a "ceremony" of sorts...it is going on 3 years now, and since we appear to have closed out everything except a small trickle of mail from a couple "organizations" (I use the term loosely) that cannot figure out or manage to communicate to all their departments that Mom has passed on, I personally moved all the files and papers, stuffed into 3 big banker's boxes and a big bag (yes, even that all important burgundy padded vinly estate plan document folder that ruled my life for those caregiving years) - to the attic. There they will stay for a looong time, right next to our tax papers from more years gone by than the IRS should ever care about, as I believe in the "better to have it and not need it than need it thing and not have it"...I don't know that I will EVER feel secure enough to shred or burn them!

Make sure your receipts aren't the kind that fade with time.
I paid with cash (my mistake) and the receipts are heat sensitive or faded with time, I wish I had thought of photocopying them...
the receipts of medicine from Walgreen's have to be subpoenaed...

I have an 8" high stack of photocopies that are for the Medicaid office. The originals are in a file box, I have three for my parents papers. Once I have everything sorted by years and logged into my spreadsheet, I will photocopy the whole stack and hand it over to Medicaid for the filing for her benefits.
Copy all the receipts and keep them in a secure place.

Vstefans, I don't think I will ever feel secure either. There are too many vermin in my family who can come out of the woodwork to make claims on things. I have one sister that deserted her children over 20 years ago and has not been heard from since. My mother and father raised the niece and nephew and they turned out horrid. We know that our sister is alive but she didn't turn up to my father's funeral. I AM sure that her children, the niece and nephew will be up front and center holding their hands out when it comes time to divvy things up. I'm going to hunt down my sister before I will ever do that. My niece robbed my mother blind, abused her and used her as a free babysitter for her three children all the while pocketing her welfare checks and not giving my mother anything for raising her oldest daughter. Slime, all around.

my halfsibling is 60 and has always lived with mom,he is a drinker and abusive to mom,i went and stayed off and on for 6 years helping mom,cooking and washing her ect.,now the brother has filed a police report stating i stole momey from mom,i have not!!,i had to make a statement to police i didnt do this,now police tells me to just stay away,my mom wants me there but the brother is a drinker and lives there because he has nowhere to go plus he is on moms savings account not me,he and girlfrien are buying stuff each day from her money,do police have right to tell me this?moms estate goes to her children at death,i am afraid of him wen drunk so is mom,i have stayed away for awhile but mom called me to come back,the brother says no,what can i do?please help me.

This here is one of the reasons why you never want to become joint on a account with a loveone.To the OP of this topic,you didn't deny spending your dads money.You never stated how much money you account for taking.Regardless you admet you took money to pay bills.Thats the first mistake is your mouth.Say no more.
Your brother took over and is now finding money unaccounted for.And now wondering where it went.The bank statements will show who took the money regardless

I had POA for my mother. I have an older sister who is a horrible person. She wanted that POA more than anything. My mother went to visit her after my father died and I never saw my mother again. I was accused of stealing, scamming with my mother's attorney, etc. My mother gave her POA, which no one can believe. She sold my mother's house and car. I don't know where that money is although I can just imagine. When I was POA, I showed my sister all of the legal documents which included a trust for both of us. She has now said that I will never get a cent of HER money that I am out and will not be told when my mother dies. I was the one who was always there for my parents and my husband too. My sister was never around and was horrible to my parents, but for whatever reason, they always had excuses for her and they were unfair to me. I think my mother gave me POA because she knew she could depend on me and she could. When she went to my sister's house, my sister shut phones off, ect. I don't think she should get away with all of this, but my husband and friends tell me to forget both of them as they have done me a lot of harm in the past. Any advice?

I am in prinicple never in favor of letting criminal behavior slide, but you are the one who has to make the call and take the risks to yourself, whatever they may be. You mentioned Mom had a lawyer, can he or she help? Is it well documented that everything you did with Mom and Dad's money was totally above board? Did you unnecessarily let Sis's accusations intimidate you even though they were groundless? Your sister's POA is a document that you should be able to obtain, as is any will that she may have had changed, and if Mom was documented incompetent before changes were made, that would be something you could take to court as well.

From what you have shared, either Sis thinks she has a right to do what she is doing because she thinks or has convinced herself something you did was improper, OR she is just a totally horrible person and has stepped in to take every last asset she can get her hands on from you and Mom and is willing to keep mom a virtual (or an actual) prisoner in her home for the rest of her life or until the money runs out and/or she doesn't want her there anymore.

Being denied any access to your mom without cause is painful and unfair, but probably most important, is this question: Is Mom in danger, or is Sis, as much as you hate her, taking good care of her? I have always tended to encourage people to stand up to drug abusing or just abusive family members for the sake of the loved one and the reality that inappropriate gifting will incur penalties, and then the care costs and burdens all fall back on them. If Mom is endangered, if you have reason to believe this is all against her will, then police and/or adult protective services should be contacted as appropriate.

This kind of decision takes courage and discernment and rising above your feelings for your sister, as well as any anger towards your mom for letting this happen if she had any real say so in it. I hope and pray for you to have a great supply of both!

vstefans A huge thank you for saying the truth and speaking up. I have to say one or maybe two things, your parent doesn't NEED to leave anyone an inheritance. Show me where it's written that says so. Also, if u r sole caregiver of Mom and it costs u money to care for her, it's fine to once pay one of your bills one month if u fall short. As long as u have your name on her accounts. Let me tell u what it cost for 18-20 months of care in Assisted Living, 250,000 thousand dollars! Not including the 17,000 dollars it took to put her in her final resting place. My sister in law, her daughter, plus nieces visited once the entire time she was there. We were there every other day making sure she was being treated the way she ought to and earned to be treated. I was her caregiver for four years and she was my MIL. I say karma is a b****. If u can look yourself in the mirror without guilt or regret, then I applaud you. God bless and take care of yourselves.

Oh, yes yes yes, document document document. It's going to end up being your greatest weapon.

I second Theresa! Thank goodness I documented everything. It is saving me from wild accusations by my sisters! But, now they are being looked at very, very carefully. It is actually them that have been taking advantage, to what extent I don't know yet. But will have a very good idea in another month.

GGood for u gladimhere. Since u documented everything, ultimately u will be the one having the last "laugh". So happy I was helpful and good luck to you. You have to protect yourself and the ones you love from those "Toxic" people

That's not so bad, my sisters swindle give or take 7,000 a month on junk food and garbage from my father's account (they're in charge of paying bills) and he refuses to believe it. My father is a business owner and i've been working with him and making sales to put money in his pocket only so my 2 ignorant sisters can take advantage of him. He is always struggling to pay bills and make investments, we're behind on morgages and we nearly lost a warehouse because one of my sisters couldn't live with her normal looking self anymore and just had to have a 15,000 surgery to have fat pulled from her small belly and inject it into her a**. i've pretty much had it with those two but everytime I bring it up my father thinks i'm bullying them. at this point i've pretty much given up.

That's not so bad, my sisters swindle give or take 7,000 a month from my father and spend it on junk food and general garbage. One of my sisters is single and lives in the basement, she doesn't cook or clean and her house smells like rotting fast food and dog shit, She is in charge of paying bills and she does pay them sometimes but i've noticed a pattern where she will ask for 5,000 to pay a bill then ask for 5,000 3 weeks later to pay the same bill. My father is a business owner and i've been working with him and making sales to put money in his pocket so that my 2 ignorant sisters can live carelessly. He is always struggling to pay bills and make investments. We're behind on morgages and he nearly lost his warehouse because one of my sisters couldn't live with her normal looking self anymore and just had to have a 15,000 surgery done to have fat pulled from her small belly and injected into her a**. I've pretty much had it with those two but everytime I bring it up my father thinks i'm bullying them. My youngest sister is now trying to get involved and become a partner in the business and I wouldn't have a problem with that if she were a responsible person but she is evil incarnate and doesn't care about anyone but herself. I've found out alot of dirty secrets about them things that would anger my entire family and send them into exile but I don't want to be that guy. at this point i've pretty much given up, I don't know what to do.

ive been accused of stealing my moms gold bangels from my siblings as they said they found it inside my drawer but ive not done this i would never steal from my mom and now i dunno how to prove myself right any advice?

Just lost my dad 3 months ago. My mom (86 yrs.old) is living at home alone now. She has memory lapses from time to time, but sometimes I think she is in the first stages of dementia--not Alzheimers. She insists that my younger brother and his wife have gone in her house when she was at the hospital with my father and rifled through papers and stolen policies, jewelry, and coins. She complains to me daily about this situation. I have suggested she go talk with someone before this drives her crazy. Well, she hasn't. Last weekend she openly accused both my younger brother and his wife of theft. My older brother has pleaded with my mom to have a change of heart, because the younger is so kind-hearted that he would give you the shirt off his back. Now, the younger brother is extremely upset that his mother can think so lowly of him. He doesn't want to go visit her when he feels he is not loved. My older brother says she has lost a son, and he is on the younger's side in this. My older brother is so upset that he says he isn't even going to put up a Christmas tree this year for the family holiday celebration. Then my older brother says that I will have to be the peace-maker and try to get my mom and my younger brother back together in order to hold this family together. I don't know what to do! This has me so upset my health is being affected. Both brothers live in the same town as my mom. I live in another state, so I cannot be there 24/7 to follow my mom around. I feel torn into pieces. Any suggestions on how to best handle a situation like this?

The thread you posted on is a few months old and you should consider starting a new thread to get more feedback.

You don't think your Mom has Alzheimer's, rather dementia. There are over 70 causes if dementia, Alzheimer's being the most frequent.

In my Mom's case she was married to a high school boyfriend nearly eight years ago. He was her ONLY caregiver for the first five + years he was here. Love is blind. Until he had to go in for a hip replacement three years ago nobody else in the family had a clue how bad my Mom' memory/Alzheimer's had become. He did not tell anybody and thought Mom was just trying to be funny or cute. In the beginning that are very good at covering up the problems. What should have been the "writing on the wall" for my siblings and I should have been the repetitive middle of the night calls. But, it wasn't, we were all terribly stupid, or in denial of what should have been obvious. It became obvious with the hip followed by three months of rehab that Mom had a serious issue with her brain function; I came to stay with her while her hubby was in rehab. And that three months away also gave her hubby a new perspective, he had been in denial too, sometimes that still resurfaces. Is it possible that your Dad was blinded by his love for your Mom and that he felt that it was his responsibility to care for her. Was he a man that kept his problems to himself or did not like to involve others in what he thinks is too personal of a matter?

Well, Mom's hubby is and was all of that. My siblings and I had absolutely no idea what was going on with our Mom which aided my siblings to remain in their denial to this day. They know there is a problem, but even after an assessment by a geriatric care manager, sibs still do not understand how Alzheimer's has taken a grip on our Mom.

The paranoid delusions your mother is having is part of dementia and Alzheimer's. It will continue to become worse. When my Mom was first told by a doctor she had dementia, about 7 years ago now, she became so angry that she and her hubby stormed out of the doctor's office calling doc an assortment of names, never to see that doc again. I heard that story at a doc appt for Mom's hubby about 6 months ago. It could be that Mom had a similar discussion with her doctor with the same sort of reaction so Dad did not tell you about it. Have you or anybody else taken Mom to the doctor to discuss her memory and the accusations that she has made? I would recommend that you do it ASAP as some causes of dementia are reversible; like a urinary tract infection, mini strokes, for instance. Now is the time to make sure your Mom has Posers of Attorney in place while she can still have these prepared. AND get her to the doctor to talk about EVERYTHING going on with her.

My Uncle had CLL and I cared for him his last year through transfusions and chemo sessions and many Dr visits, I picked him off the bathroom floor and washed the excrement off him and he appreciated it promising me I will be richly rewarded beyond my wildest imagination, this was not my motivating factor, however he had a lot of money and it takes money to survive.Both my Grandmother and Uncle said having money makes being sad easier as well as being sick. My Uncle promised me his house(1 of 2) both worth $500k + excellent areas, paid for. He said he was worried about "Nana" after he was gone ,he knew we were close my entire life. I knew my future entailed being there for her in 2006 when my Grandfather died,(Uncle in late 07, my Dad in 09)My Grandpa, her husband of 65 yrs was gone and it seemed to not bother her much, if at all! She told me he had became cantankerous?? in his old age? huh? I was around & he was always the same,a joker but she loved him,they were my Ozzie & Harriet,as well as being like my parents as my Mom was only 17 yrs older than me. my Dad 19 yrs, I was like a 3rd son and adored by my Grandparents, even my Uncle,18 yrs older, became an actor, made a few million,never married, even had me come live with him in the LA hills age 16 to 18,another reason why I was asked to care for him. I promised him I would always be there and protect her,never turn my back on her, I never did & paid dearly.I sleep well in knowing I had no choice by my choice,but not so welll knowing how she felt at the end.Actually I knew a tiny bit inside that being involved with her on a daily basis & it was not going to be easy, but she was cute when she never called me on my cell phone once or twice but minimum 3 times to tell me something or remind me of another, usually within 15 minutes of my leaving the house to go shopping, and the list was never small or normal, lol. Mucinex, but the green bottle, Postum, Marmite, Krill oil, Nopolea, Co enzyme Q10, etc. She was cute about her cough syrup, at 1st,
She hated Walmarts cough syrup?? huh? but really liked Walgreens stuff? hummm? 1st red flag I was initially tickled by, she was as far as I knew not like one to even take a whole aspirin, but I noticed the stuff she liked was the real deal codeine and the stuff that pissed her off to no end was hyrocodone, which she had in pill form by the vat that she seemed to not mow through like the cough syrup! Rappers had just made the Purple drank a hip thing to imbibe I read, which amused me but in hind sight should have really made me re think this whole idea of being her care giver, it was an all encompassing 24-7 job and she was becoming seemingly grouchy, especially after Feb 2011 and Pradaxa was prescribed to her and she was poisoned immediately, I knew it, I saw it, I called the Dr and said she is really sick! worse now!, It was to be expected, she has an appointment next week(standing order blood, urine tests weekly) but I took her to the ER the next day and she was almost dead requiring 4 pints of blood and 2 plasma and weighing 105, most of her blood was gone! They told me I saved her life. Her life and mine would be forever changed after this drug Pradaxa was given to her, she had zero energy, could not eat but wanted to, had a sore spot in her stomach but it was a risk to even explore they said not worth it as at her age nothing could be done, she had a series of mini strokes, became paranoid and delusional to a degree not apparent without discussion when she would show me a scratch on a piece of furniture or a picture and say I trimmed the pictures edges! or scratched the furniture not accidentally but maliciously! I knew there was a really mean aspect of her but I was never the one she was directing it to ever before in my life which makes me ashamed now as I was fine as long as I was not being abused, I would not let my little brother be abused but I was used in her abusing others.

I grew up with a narcissistic,sociopathic dysfunctional ,emotionally violent,
drug addicted, sexually abusive family & I thank God they are no longer in my
life.My Grandmother made me call her "Nana"
Being called Grandma was not to her liking.
Nana never liked my Mom,my Stepmom,my Uncles girlfriends or 1 of mine.
(my GF Patty slavishly doted on my Gma for 2 years 24 - 7,unpaid,promised)
My Mother told me about her , shewas victimized even after my parents split up by my Grandmothers catty instructions for me to give my mother, how to wash my clothes in cold water! not hot! It seems when my Mom(17)
(pregnant by her can do no wrong #1 son,my Father,19)
washed my Dads clothes in hot water, a mistake she paid for the rest of my childhood ,I unwittingly was used to punish my mother from afar by telling her what My Grandmother insisted was imperative my mother be told how to wash my new clothes , the continuous message saying,she has no clue how to wash clothes. She always said my Mom refused to work,was lazy,messy,even that she had dated greasy Mexicans while my Dad had us for 1 weekend a month.
She told me she was kissing a greasy mexican when my dad peered into her windows! I did not see the weirdness in him doing so or her telling me this then, but now it all floods back to me. I was sick and avoided kissing my mom which made her interogate me about why boy was she mad and sickened.
My mom was greedy & getting alimony and child support my Dad was too young to be straddled with 3 kids by the time I was 5.
My Moms alimony was $15a week for 1 yr,child support $75 a mo for 3
kids!We had to move to a terrible neighborhood in Pomona,
all moms fault too, My Dad vanished to Montana withNanas family, my Grandparents would not tell my Mom where he was or how to reach him for over a year, My Mom refused to allow me to go camping with them as a
result,I heard their warning to her as they left,
We will get you for this.
The next morning at 6am the door is being beaten on by 2 Pomona cops,
1 a buddy of My Grandfathers named Ronald McDonald & had red hair!
they went through our entire house, closets, cupboards,drawers they inspected our bodies for marks,they looked for pot and to see if the housewas dirty.
My Mom was terrified ,I was crying, scared to be taken cause I knew that
people smoked pot,namely my Dad and Uncle and I was not sure pot was not everywhere!Thank God they found nothing or I might have been in CPS
forever just to punish my Mom.
To those who have experienced the "shame" of exclusion, do not discount the likely fact your parent(s)having some psychological disorder such as NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).
You may have conducted life and contributions (emotional, financial and psychological) with what you considered appropriate care and respect. If one or both parents and/or sibling(s) exhibit the symptoms of these disorders, chances are that you are who was unfortunately selected by your being a loving caregiver to be unworthy of the respect, love and self-esteem that anyone would expect.The narcissist often has a nasty "pecking order" created by your parent having to do with which child(ren) provide that disturbed adult with appropriate "narcissistic supply". You can do everything "right", but according to your parent you are not good enough.
This is more common than one might imagine and for those of you who are "scratching your heads" for an explanation to this ultimate injustice, you might find some answers or guidance in the many available books on this topic.
If you were (are) the subject of a narcissist and find yourself shunned, it often is because your sibling(s) were far less independent than yourself, therefore better candidate(s) to provide your disturbed parent with absolute and total support regardless of the issue.
It's a stunning betrayal and abuse of basic human rights,both for the shunned and the one placed upon a pedestal both suffer the consequences throughout their lives.
There is nothing you can do to change this dynamic,but accept it for what it is and move forward and far away from TOXIC family.
Toxic Parents/Grandparents will disinherit you, often with no warning.
Toxic family will have us over a barrel even after weve grown up,they count on loyalty to some ideal of family no matter how badly they treated and still treat us,They count on our self-bullying and guilt.
They count on us still trying to jump through their hoops to win love and approval… They count on our fear that theyll manipulate the family & people into thinking we are ungrateful and treat them badly.
They count on our enduring verbal and emotional abuse so we can inherit our share of their fortune, disregarding agreements or your future if they decide to rip you off in the end. often they have already done it and as they are ordering you around they enjoy the knowledge there will be a big rude awakening for you and your future fiscal well being.
Toxic people who l blame everything on us and abusing us because it's your fault, you are selfish,ungrateful and dont deserve any better, It's your duty in their old age.Toxic people know our every weakness and sensitivity, and will poke them very hard when they want too,always find fault with every thing we do; compare us unfavorably to someone else who has treated them horribly and give your reward, the inheritance away to them and still demand knowing you will never be paid or be ok or travel or all the things she said she wants you to do after she has gone and still criticize, belittle and harass us and our spouse, they are the sneaky and criticize, demean and denigrate us in private but pretend they love us in public so everyone thinks they âre wonderful & loving.
We try everything we can think of, but the negativity, harassment, criticism, blame, shame, bullying and abuse never stop We do exactly what they want, but its never enough. We apologize and plead with them ,that just makes them nastier.Weve gotten fed up and threatened not to care for them, but they broke down in such distress we feel guilty or they act nice but,when we relax, they attack us more about something they didnt like.
So what can we do ?For the sake of peace and quiet in the whole family, we could keep trying to endure the abuse after all,if we only kept trying, if we did enough,it might change.
Also, they might leave us in the will as the care agreement states, itd be our fault if we quit too soon.Besides we are years into this and now fiscally reliant upon them keeping their word or face devastating consequences. too old and sick now to ever make it up.
We might object and argue enduring frustration and anger
this repeats endlessly and often spirals out of control.
Relentlessly toxic people wont admit they âre wrong and give up.
Eventually theyll escalate and cut us out of the will.

cobrafangg, it sounds like a good reason for young people to go into the world and make their own way. It is good not to have to depend on the good will of others to such a degree, particularly when their good will is so changeable. It sounds like you had a rough start, but at least you have a chance to break free from the craziness. I hope you are able to put together a good life.

when I have durable power of attorney for 15 months and my dad died and I am his personal rep for estate, do I need to show all expenses for last 15 months?
when dad went in hospice I drove about 300 miles a day for 21 days can I charge expense. Can i charge anything else as dpoa if need to?thanks

Mike, you might as well get your accounts together. You can be asked to show them, and it will be no bad thing for your own peace of mind to have all of the receipts, invoices, statements etc. organised.

Charging for mileage is a grey area, but probably - I'm afraid - not a legitimate expense to charge to your father's account unless you had his prior agreement or if the subject is covered in your POA documentation. The POA's rule of thumb is whether or not money is spent wholly and exclusively for your parent's benefit; and arguably, as he was in hospice care, your driving every day to see him was not a necessary expense. But I do know of families where the children's travel to see their parent is charged to the parent's account and everyone seems cool with that. Is there anyone such as your late father's lawyer or accountant whom you can consult on this point?

Any expenses you incurred solely on your father's behalf - telephone and mail on his business, mileage for errands run for him, goods and services bought for him, anything where you were acting strictly as his proxy, if you like - would be fine for you to claim back from the estate - ideally, you would have been spending his money on these things and keeping detailed records of expenditure, but I realise that you had priorities other then GAAP compliance at the time! As long as you have some proof of expenditure and details of what it was, you shouldn't have a problem getting your own money back.

I'm sorry for your loss - was this very recent?

From all I have read here, and on other postings is thank God I do not have family. When I was a child around 9 years old I watched my mom deal with other garbage family members involving a beloved 'aunt'. (she wasn't actually, but still a relative and a lovely lovely lady). Similar circumstances. After it was all over we never saw those bastard family members again. Good riddance. All you can do is document every little thing you do financially and/or otherwise. Cover your tail. Family is garbage despite all the rhetorical brainwashing muck presented in media, writings or elsewhere.

When you add up how much it would have cost you for an elder care facility or even having a in-home care giver part time... $20k is nothing! Plus you sacraficed your personal life-career-and health. It is funny how family wants to step in to help at the "end" and the first thing they notice is the bank account- not the condition or well being of the parent. You did a great thing! If you hadn't where would he be?And his so called bank account would have been gone in months. Stand up for yourself and don't let people put you down- God is proud of you

I have been reading everything here and wow what the h*ll is wrong with siblings They want YOU to do all the work so they can have there easy life and mum OR dad gets a visit once a year and then everything turns into a fugitive movie where your Harrison Ford trying to prove your innocence the moment they think five dollars is missing I have being looking after mum for 10 years and my sister visits twice a year she gets to go on on holidays thanks for my caring while ME left doing the lot.I have come close to a mental breakdown dealing with Mum and her Dementia stage 5 and a cold hearted sister wanting every cent of her poor mums money explained mum has no money but I am mad and feel sickened in side with fear I may slip up or have spent to much on her clothes ect. Now this is the most important step STEP 1 STOP ALL CONTACT with your brothers or sisters that put you as a carer through any type of emotionally abuse this is what I have done and started to feel better Why do we have to answer to them. Just stop all talks emails and know you in your heart have done your best..........

have been reading everything here and wow what the h*ll is wrong with siblings They want YOU to do all the work so they can have there easy life and mum OR dad gets a visit once a year and then everything turns into a fugitive movie where your Harrison Ford trying to prove your innocence the moment they think five dollars is missing I have being looking after mum for 10 years and my sister visits twice a year she gets to go on on holidays thanks for my caring while ME left doing the lot.I have come close to a mental breakdown dealing with Mum and her Dementia stage 5 and a cold hearted sister wanting every cent of her poor mums money explained mum has no money but I am mad and feel sickened in side with fear I may slip up or have spent to much on her clothes ect. Now this is the most important step STEP 1 STOP ALL CONTACT with your brothers or sisters that put you as a carer through any type of emotionally abuse this is what I have done and started to feel better Why do we have to answer to them. Just stop all talks emails and know you in your heart have done your best..........

Unfortunately, you really can't get permission for someone who has dementia. My brother took advantage of our parent and it is now in the courts. He actually had her sign her property over into his and his wife's names.

I may have never noticed this happening except my brother slipped up. I am now her legal guardian. I am starting a website due to all the things I have learned along the way, hoping it will help others who take in a parent to care for them.

ouraginsociety if you are interested...