Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

83 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2 3
I have read several of your comments, and I don't feel alone anymore. I have been my mother's caregiver since 2011. That is when mom, dad, myself, my husband, and my two boys (elementary school age) moved into a house together. At first, it seemed like a good arrangement, considering my mom was diagnosed with ALS and need some help. I was also working at the time. She progressively got worse, and my dad did also- but by going out to bars, women, taking large sums of money out of the bank all of the time. My husband and I did not have good credit, so when the house was purchased, it was only in my parents' names. I cannot tell you the problems, the arguing, the sleepless nights I have over this. Technically, my father can do whatever he wants if my mother should pass first. The arrangement had been made that I was the beneficiary of this house. I now take care of my mother 18 hours a day, her insurance will only pay for 1200 hours per calendar year. She wakes up at night yelling, I believe it is early dimentia- and he is laying right next to her and claims he does not hear her, so I have to go in to calm her, give her medication. Now, I find out that he has called the authorities on ME- because I won't give him money ( I opened an account with my mom to protect her social security and pension checks) he says I am stealing her money. Not the case- we are supposed to split the living expenses so that it would be actually affordable for all of us- and only my mom is contributing: I don't get compensated anything for caring for her- and my husband can only get 40 hrs a week. At the end of the day- we don't even feel safe and secure in our home- my husband told me he is thinking of moving out to keep his sanity. Now what do I do? leave my mother bedridden, or go with my husband? By the way, I have a brother, with no children that lives 1200 miles away- he visits about 2-3 days every other month. Thanks for letting me vent.... any advice ?
(0)
Report
I have read several of your comments, and I don't feel alone anymore. I have been my mother's caregiver since 2011. That is when mom, dad, myself, my husband, and my two boys (elementary school age) moved into a house together. At first, it seemed like a good arrangement, considering my mom was diagnosed with ALS and need some help. I was also working at the time. She progressively got worse, and my dad did also- but by going out to bars, women, taking large sums of money out of the bank all of the time. My husband and I did not have good credit, so when the house was purchased, it was only in my parents' names. I cannot tell you the problems, the arguing, the sleepless nights I have over this. Technically, my father can do whatever he wants if my mother should pass first. The arrangement had been made that I was the beneficiary of this house. I now take care of my mother 18 hours a day, her insurance will only pay for 1200 hours per calendar year. She wakes up at night yelling, I believe it is early dimentia- and he is laying right next to her and claims he does not hear her, so I have to go in to calm her, give her medication. Now, I find out that he has called the authorities on ME- because I won't give him money ( I opened an account with my mom to protect her social security and pension checks) he says I am stealing her money. Not the case- we are supposed to split the living expenses so that it would be actually affordable for all of us- and only my mom is contributing: I don't get compensated anything for caring for her- and my husband can only get 40 hrs a week. At the end of the day- we don't even feel safe and secure in our home- my husband told me he is thinking of moving out to keep his sanity. Now what do I do? leave my mother bedridden, or go with my husband? By the way, I have a brother, with no children that lives 1200 miles away- he visits about 2-3 days every other month. Thanks for letting me vent.... any advice ?
(0)
Report
i am so upset. i have been handling my fathers affairs as my sister crapped out on me while he was very sick. I completed the process for medicade and my father has just accused me of spending all of his money. I paid all of the outstanding medical expenses along with the closing out of his apartment. what even upsets me more is that he barely had any money to start with. State Medicade wants his balance to be under $2000 and i do have receipts to all that i have done however how upsetting how totally unappreciated can one feel? The nursing home is hard enough to deal with along with feeling like im all by myself with these decisions. Its so disheartening. I tried and never will he ever appreciate a thing i have done while i put him first and my family second. UGH
(2)
Report
Do the Best you can for your dad with the tools you have. If anyone cared, they would be helping you not cutting you down. Step back and see if anyone helps your dad, you take time off sounds like you need it. Every family has a family member that steps up when anyone needs help and that is YOU. The Only reason anyone is saying anything today is they what Money they did not earn. The bad thing about this, your father is going to suffer. Keep up the help as long as you can ,don't worry about the small stuff (money).They will have to hire attorney to sue you and most likely they will not take the time. Don't talk or tell them ANYTHING have them hire attorney.
(1)
Report
Best options are always to document everything as well as you can and communicate with your siblings what's going on financially. If you do need to take regular payments from their account for whatever reason, I'd have a legal care document written up stating the care you provide and fair compensation for such. This will help quash the siblings and help you when you try to get qualified for VA or Medicare benefits for your parent.
(1)
Report
Elder abuse is any form of mistreatment that results in harm or loss to an older person whether that abuse is mental, physical, or financial. You say that you paid some bills and groceries from his account while you were unemployed. Your brother did do the right thing when he moved your father from your home because you took liberties with your father's personal finances at a time you knew your father suffered from Alzheimer's disease. Your brother should hire a forensic CPA to know precisely to the penny how much money that you liberated from your father's bank account. And you should reimburse your father that amount of money because you were not forth-coming about your unemployment or your personal financial dilemma to your sibling(s) because it sounds like you juggled the books to meet your own needs too, and clearly, you suffered from a false sense of entitlement when you did this to your father. Therein, is where you went wrong. You know to the penny how much money that you took to pay for your bills, etc., now do the right thing and make it right for your father--pay him back in full to avoid being sued and possible prison time. Just one more thing, it is a felony to bilk money from an "at risk elderly person" in the United States.
(1)
Report
I am appalled at the last comment. Wow. I don't know where to begin............
(0)
Report
Krovane, I'm assuming you are replying to the original poster, neveragain, but this was an old post and they appear to have vanished.

Marialake has a point - not really good to jump to such a firm conclusion, but...
EVERYBODY should take notice to NOT commingle funds, to have a fair-market-value formal agreement on rent and caregiver reimbursments instead of just taking what they feel they need and could be entitled to morally speaking, and be able to produce documentation of all expenses. You may be honest, good, and caring, and not truly deserve to be treated as a criminal, but it happens often enough that you should understand if your financial decisions and transactions are questioned. You also are on very, very shaky ground if you get your permissions to use funds, whether well-documented or just verbal, from a person with dementia. Just my $0.02. (And, my own piles of documentation for both my parents' care still sit boxed up in my attic and will probably stay there for as long as we live, or even move with us if we ever sell the house...)
(1)
Report
Krovane must be a troll. Trying to get people angry for entertainment purposes. Not much history on Krovane's profile.
(1)
Report
I am so glad i found this site. I moved in with my father and have been taking care of him for 8 years now. He put me on his account. My father is now in a nursing home and i continued to pay for his stay there and his bills at the house. I did however spend some money out of the account. Now my mother is trying to have me prosecuted for spending money out of an account my name is on as long as my dads. I have been told she can not do anything because my name is on the account and on the checks i wrote??
(0)
Report
Oo. Princess, in your position, I think I would…

1. Add up. Get all of the bank statements together and see how much you spent on things that were not directly for your father.

2. If you possibly can, pay back that amount of money into your father's account.

I'm assuming, though, that you did not have your father's explicit permission to spend the money on the other things you're talking about? If you did, and he was mentally competent, then there is no problem. But if you didn't, by which I mean you just spent the money on whatever without thinking to discuss it with him, then you have slipped up, I'm afraid. Your name being on your father's account does not mean that you can just help yourself to his money. It means he trusted you to operate his account for him.

So, how much are we talking about? Will you be able to put this right?

In any case, don't just sit on your hands while your mother pursues a prosecution. You'll feel better and perhaps be able to save the day by clarifying what exactly has happened and dealing with it head on.

For what it's worth, I'm sure you didn't mean your father any harm; and you clearly are giving him help to keep his life running smoothly. But this is such a sensitive area that you could be at risk of real trouble. Please come back and fill in the details? I'm sure others will have good advice about what you should do.
(4)
Report
How do we know it is as you suggest? Plenty of people take advantage of an older parent, milk them for everything they have, and the other siblings are left with nothing.
(1)
Report
Have you ever noticed how the siblings who aren't concerned about their parents well being are the ones who are the most concerned with their parents money?! How the siblings are "just too busy" to be bothered to help with mom and dads care, are never too busy to meddle in their financial affairs? Don't pay any attention to selfish, greedy siblings. Keep records, a journal, texts, emails and even videos if you can. I've been caring for my mom for years and all my selfish greedy sister can do is tell everyone I'm 'stealing' money and turn her back on mom as she goes on about her drunken, immoral life. There is a special place in h*ll for these people!!
(2)
Report
I took care of my bedbound MIL in my house for the last 2 1/2 years. Turned her every 4 hours day and night, bathed her, changed her, fed her, etc etc. I also worked a full time job from my home office. I did this out of respect for my wonderful husband who passed away six years ago. My husband would've been sad to see me take on the task - but grateful.
My husband's brother is my MIL's only surviving child. He never helped me care for his mother. His occasional visits were always unannounced - and uncomfortable. I hated that. He was of no help to me in any way. As she was in my living room for 2 1/2 years............I used her money to pay bills. I had no written agreement. I tried to discuss finances a few times with BIL but he said to me..............."As long as there is enough money to bury her I don't care about the money." So I thought all was okay.
Well, she died - and he is taking me to court for paying my household bills with her money. I now understand that my BIL would not discuss money while she was alive because HE NEEDED ME to take care of her FOR HIM. She's not even my mother. She's his mother! ( BTW her property was transferred to him 2 years ago Had she been in a nursing home, his property would've been taken to pay nursing home).

At this point, it appears that I will have to write a big check to him (who did nothing) for the privilege of giving up my life and home for HIS mother. .. My husband would be horrified and furious at his brother.

Never a thanks - instead a lawsuit.
So sorry I ever took on the caregiving.
(0)
Report
Maria, I hope you have an attorney that will counter sue for 2.5 years of 24/7 care that is worth approximately 10-12 k a month. About $360,000.00! The nerve of some people! I would think you may be able to find an attorney to take this on contingency.
(2)
Report
I got an attorney who said that without prior agreement I can't really counter. My attorney agrees that I did nothing wrong - except get signed agreement. Ugh. Now I also have to pay attorney fees. I try to believe the best about people and I can't believe that BIL thinks all my care was worthless. I did call several local nursing homes. For the level of care she required, the amount was between $9500 and $10900 per month.
My husband was seven years older and completely opposite of this brother. We were very happily married and I miss him so much. Especially at times like this.
(0)
Report
I want to ask everyone here who says that as a caregiver you do not have the right to have some money from them for caring for them. What are you supposed to do if you can't work because you have to take care of them and they will not allow a caregiver in the house? How are we supposed to support ourselves and live a life, buy food, pay for the things we need? In my case, every time I leave the house my dad calls the cops cuz he doesn't see me in the house and reports me missing or that I have mental changes and wandered away.
(2)
Report
Marialake - Have that attorney draft - or you just write - a letter to your BIL at least pretending you have rights...point out just what you did to us, that the value of your services would have been over $8000.00 a month and pointing out that your expenses were far, far less than that amount - and when you agreed to care for HIS mom, your MIL, you never imagined you could not have any expenses covered and did not even think that would ever be a question. Your loss of income and contribution of labor is significant and if you had known you would have no compensation for that you could not have agreed to the arrangement. He has no moral right - even if he has of thinks he has or claims he has a legal one to now impoverish you as your reward for what you have done for him and for her. Maybe it will occur to him what a complete and utter butt hole he will look like if that were to actually go to trial. Maybe he'd consider elder arbitration and settling out of court if he know you have no plan to just roll over and play dead.

Glendalough, hope you have had a chance for a friendly discussion with the local police and brainstormed a way they can handle to inevitable calls - hopefully they can understand Dad has dementia and just call you to make sure you are OK instead of rushing out to do the whole missing persons things with him every time.
(1)
Report
vstefans -
The last time he called them was the beginning of June, I believe the medication is working as I have been out of the house the last couple of days. I have told them that he has dementia, when in fact he hasn't been diagnosed yet, I am working on that. I don't think I should call them and tell them that he is not diagnosed yet until he calls them again and I'm praying he won't. I absolutely do not want them to send someone out from Social Services. When he did call them, they called me after and they know that my being missing or wandering off is not true. His confusion has to be dementia or alzheimers, I don't know what else it could be.
(0)
Report
Honestly,I thought this was my mom writing this post,because your story sounds so similar to hers.My mother cared for my Grandfather for 4-5 years.After my Grandmother died,he was a wreck,and mentally couldn't take care of himself.After awhile,he seemed to be getting better and we thought it was time for him to go back to West Virginia because he was happier there,all his friends and family lived there.Now instead of her brother accusing her,it's my Grandfather's best friend accusing her of stealing 20,000 dollars from him.With no grounds or proof of these accusations...whats annoying about this whole ordeal is,when my Grandfather was staying with us in North Carolina,he barely called or even visited my Grandfather.Now he goes back to West Virginia,and his friend immediately starts making these false accusations about my mother,and he even ended up convincing my Grandfather that she was "Guilty"He now handles my Grandpa's money and helps him out.The relationship my mom once had with him is in shambles thanks to that man.What boggles my mind, is my mother grew up with his friend's kids,him and his late wife (cancer may she rest in peace).Were like second parents to her.I know I'm just my mom's son,but I see the hurt and heartbreak these accusations do to her.And it makes me angry as her son that my Grandfather,after all my mom has done for him that he would think such a thing.
(1)
Report
My "baby" brother didn't work for 8 years. During that time he scammed my mother ever so sweetly. He'd take her debit card to buy her groceries, and his groceries and those of his roommates and enough booze to open a bar. He bought her cigarettes and his. He had no drivers license because he didn't pay child support so he sold the truck mom gave him. Then he'd borrow her car...and keep it. He was job hunting he'd say. Meanwhile, taking advantage of her forgetfulness, he kept her debit card and bought whatever he wanted or needed. Finally, after eight years, mom's checks started bouncing and she asked me to look into it. It seemed like I had to learn forensic accounting overnight but I tracked down Mom's money. It went to everything already mentioned, hotels that rent by the hour, every liquor store and bar in the county, cable companies, my brothers apartment rental agent, hundreds of trips to ATM Machines. In eight years he cleaned mom out of $46,000 in savings. I told her that's what it was and she became angry and defensive. NOT her baby. Why if she gave him money it was because he did work for her! (Fat chance!)
She tossed me out of the house but before I left I slyly picked up the bag at the bottom of the steps that held all of her bank statements and check book receipts and replaced it with an identical bag containing paid bills from many years ago.
Now that her money is gone he's got a job and never comes around so my children do ALL her errands and shopping. They document everything. There won't come a time when they are accused of cleaning her out because she was broke when they got old enough to get cars and help her.
(2)
Report
It's embezzlement in most States for a POA to get ANY personal use AT ALL of the principal's money. The only thing the POA can do is reimburse themselves here or there for gas or other expenses that have been incurred, and even then, exact receipts have to be kept. A POA cannot write checks to cash. It's too easy to claim it's for the principal and use it themselves. Under NO circumstances should the POA be allowing the principal to pay the POA's bills! States have laws against abuse like this.
(0)
Report
Was your dad supposed to get housing food utilities for free? Ask you brother why he has a problem because none of this was free plus if you were caring for him and bought yourself some beer or went out to dinner so what. I would read him the riot act best way to deal with this nonsense is go on the offense. was your brother paying your bills taxes etc when dad was there. My mom is living with me and the 1000 a month she gives me does not begin to cover the cost of living here, I am insisting on her paying a share of taxes so forth. The alternative is she can go into assisted living where it's gonna cost her 4000 a month. Stand up to him because sounds like he is trying to bully you because he can.
(1)
Report
1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter