Can't stop being angry at my mother.
Years ago my mother did something that for me severed the bond of mother and daughter.Our relationship over the years has been polite but not close.However,now she has had to move in with me,I am only doing this out of a sense of duty.I have tried not to feel the way I do but I am losing.My day basically consists of doing the things that need to be done for her and otherwise I just live in my bedroom.I am eating myself to death.Things I used to enjoy no longer interest me.Basically she has the run of my whole house.If I hear her outside her bedroom I hide in mine.This is no way to live.To me there is no talking this out.She did what she did.I know the past can't be rewritten but nothing I say or do is going to change this narcissistic passive-aggressive person now living in my house.I can't get past what she did because it just revealed what kind of person she is.
No doubt she'll try to fight you and there will be ugly scenes and all that. Prepare yourself for it but stand your ground. Frankly, if she's well enough to take over your house, she's well enough to organize her affairs and live not-with-you.
Stay strong!
Being responsible for another person's well being is difficult enough without the added weight of past hurt and pain.
None of us knows the whole story here, and texarkana's mother might have done something *really* bad, something that any one of us would find difficult to forgive under ANY circumstances. And anyway, forgiveness or not, texarkana's mother is still in the house and still causing problems. Let's focus on solving that.
This is a sensitive topic, clearly. I actually agree that, sometimes, forgiveness seems like an impossible standard to achieve. What I, personally, have found VERY helpful is Compassion. Even if I can't forgive my parents for the abuse (and I believe there IS abuse, and parents, that is/are simply unforgivable... I believe this...), I can feel Compassion towards them, and see them as the mentally flawed and fallible creatures they are. I also learned from an extremely academic/scientific lecture I watched on the internet that Compassion is the opposite emotion of Anger. That's not "psycho-babble," apparently its scientific fact. (The lecture was about a study into how stress works, on a chemical and DNA level, in our minds/bodies, very fascinating stuff.) So when I begin to feel anger and resentment towards Family, I then turn on my Compassionate side... and I look for the ways to see my aging father as a very vulnerable man, whose life is soon over, who has left a legacy of being neglectful of his children, abusive to me, and a general PITA (google it, lol) to anyone unfortunate enough to be close to him. And I can feel a bit of pity for him... And as long as I stay out of the Anger/Resentment zone, I'm ok.
Texarkana, I think it really helps to get involved in group therapy, as well. There may be something in your area? Either a caregivers group, or there are also groups for children of Narcissistic Parents in larger cities... maybe you can find an online group? I think being able to talk about the situation and gain healing from/with your fellows would be a good thing. Good luck. I certainly sympathize with you.
However, actively holding on to the pain of the past is poison and will only make you a tired and bitter person. A person can move on from the past without forgiving the people who caused them pain.
I lived a nearly identical situation; I hid in a bedroom and developed really bad habits to deal with the stress and abuse that comes with caring for someone who is selfish. In the end, I just had to set hard boundaries and brace myself for the storm that followed.
This really is an unpleasant situation. I'm sure your mother knows exactly what to say and how to say it in order to manipulate you, and these patterns were set a long time ago. Unfortunately, there is no easy way out. You have to set rules, and adopt the stance of "if you don't like my rules, the door is over there".
Huge caveat. I wasn't living with the SOB. And, it took me 35 years to get there. With a lot of effort, support and just plain old grit. If I were in your shoes, I couldn't help but say, "Look, I know you're my parent and I'm your kid. The connection ends there. I will no longer subject myself to your whim and will. I'll help you find other resources, but you must move, and then we're done. I want my life and my house back." I wouldn't know any other way to do it. Matter of fact, I've done with all but two members of my family.
I wish you great strength to get through this time. Blessings.
Love, Laugh, Learn
LadeeC
I understand that financially there may be "no place else for her to go". My heart hurts for you.
I would first say, forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. I personally do not define forgiveness as me absolving another of their sin against me. I do not feel I have that authority. I define it as asking the Lord not to hold their sins against them. After all, they all are ultimately against Him (of course, for those of a Xtian background; for those not, my apologies for any line crossing in trying to gently touch on the subject). I wouldn't want mine held against me and would want that peace of mind with the One who matters, so equally I pray he does not hold others against them. But doing this does not mean I have to be reconciled to them and especially if whatever the activity is, is continuing. Too many will say Love hardly notices a wrong done, but the key there is hardly. It didn't say we didn't notice at all. We try to look past it for as long as we can. But sometimes you have to walk away.
We all have an advocate with the Father who knows the details as intimately as we the individual does. So, you are not alone in understanding the circumstance. He knows it all too and more.
I don't know your situation but I do understand it in part from what you've shared. You're not alone.