Caregiver. That pretty much defines me because I have lost everything else that seems to define me.

Is your father a veteran? There is help available. Check out the websites for assisted living facilities. There is help there. If you have less than $80,000 you can get about $2100 towards your monthly payment in assisted living. Of course memory care is more expensive. Good luck.

I don't know who established this site, but God Bless them, him, her. They must have been through or are going through this. I'm not a overly religious person, but God sent me here for relief where I can vent and get away with it. My helper continually tells me I have a bad attitude. I want to choke her and may still yet. She's fat and gets paid. I've lost weight and don't get paid and lose sleep because I do this 24/7. I'm an outside person and my grass that used to look like a golf course now looks like a pasture, weeds and all. I don't have flowers anymore and I blame MIL for all of it. I know she just lays there, but I still blame her. I know there's a thin line between love and hate, but the line is getting thinner and thinner every day and not on the love side. Vent, Vent, Vent all you want. I said I wished she was gone and people here understood how I felt. My concern is for how it will affect my husband. I know he will get over it, so will I.

Welcome, again!!
You will find this site keeps us sane. When I post or just read others situations I somehow find it a little easier to deal with caregiving, I feel more patient and loving towards mom. I hope you stay with us and get some relief. It really helps.

This was so great to read! The oringinal post and the replies... i thought i was the only one who felt resentment about people saying "oh, it is so good of you to take care of your father, you're a saint"... the last time someone said that to me, i said "Is there a reward for being saintly in this life?" It took the person aback, must say. I'm angry with people for not bothering to stop by and see my dad, at my brother for opting out completely for the last two years, and even at my mother for divorcing my dad years ago and not having to deal with any of this and for not offering to help in any way... I'm terribly sad about my dad's decline, and still have trouble living my own life after having been through such a difficult time with him and still being his only emotional connection with our family... but it is certainly gratifying to know that all of you feel the same way about the condescending and pitying remarks, thanks for this!

Harleighkwin! I have felt ALL of the same FEELINGS that you're feeling! I'm so riddled with quilt becasue I and my family members finally put Mom in a nursing home. It doesn't end there. Now, there are constant demanding phone calls from her, demanding someone come everyday to see her, and demanding clothing, jewelry, shoes, her hair to be done ( all of which she hasn't money for) etc. etc. She is on medicaid and they give her very little money ( $40.00 a month). I and my husband are suffering financially and live in a one bedroom apt. in PA. my husband works 60 hr. a week + some. I am on disability. She is in N.J. It is not only expensive (gas) to go to visit but it is also very depressing to see my once independent Mom, in a nursing home. Plus, I'm not well, and my husband becasue of work cannot take me, he works 7 days a week.The NH is so depressing. As far as nursing home goes it is rated 5 stars and is rather nice, but the sickness and death that lingers in the hall makes me so depressed.Mom is
(and was also when she was home) very, very ungrateful for anything anyone has done for her. However, she does seems happy that she is not a burden to us ( so she thinks, and in a way her physical care is not a burden, but now there are other issues) including what to do with her house and the bills on it? A story for another day., her physical needs are taken care of in the nursing home, but what about all the rest? She has lost complete use of her legs and is confined to a wheelchair due to a degenerative disk. She cannot go to the bathroom nor bath herself. She is 86 yr. old.
Her mind also is slipping and while she was home it was difficult becasue she lived alone and each of us would take shifts away from our families ( I live in another state) for 4 days at a time to stay with her. My brother tried to take her in his home, but she demanded he take her back home after a month becasue she said his house was to small, they eat to late, they do this or do that, whatever, there was always constant complaining. He has a pretty decent size rancher. She had her own room, but they only have one bathroom and this was her constant complaint when she was there, my sis-in-law did everything anyone could possibly do to accommodate her but it was not enough.. She DEMANDED to go home only to wind up almost every other day in the emergency room for some reason or another, a fall, an upset stomach, anything! But, one of us always was called to assist her in emergency and stay hours at the hospital with her. It became to much for all of us. I and my sibling are all in our 60's and we have health issues of our own. My brother just had a hip replacement and sis had a knee replacement and I have been dealing with a very difficult case of hypothyroidism and depression which are not responding to treatment. ( I had my thyroid removed in 2009-I had five large benign nodules removed and have since become hypothyroid)
Now, guilt has taken over my life and I have fallen into an even deeper depression one of which I have never felt so badly. Some days, much to my shame, I pray for God to take me home with him. I am a Christian and I feel so guilty about all that has happen to my Mom and our family.I can't get up in the morning. I have no energy and have isolated myself from family and friends and even my own church choosing to worship instead at home, for over a year now.I cannot recover.
I just want YOU to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.Thank you for your post becasue it made me know that I too am not alone in the feelings which I have experienced over the past few years. Your 'rant' helped me. I wish for you all good things. I hope your burdens will be lifted and may God bless and keep you.

You are a saint for being honest about your innermost frustrations, I'm sure knowing how you feel has helped others, beside me, cope too. Thank you!

More than 65 million Americans provide care to a loved one & stress is common. in even the most resilient people. You may not even realize that your own health and well-being are suffering. But, individuals who experience caregiver stress over a long period of time are vulnerable to changes in their own health. As a caregiver, you're more likely to experience symptoms of depression or anxiety.
In addition, you may not get enough physical activity or eat a balanced diet, which only increases your risk of medical problems.

SIGNS OF CAREGIVER STRESS

Feeling tired most of the time
Feeling overwhelmed and irritable
Sleeping too much or too little
Gaining or losing a lot of weight
Losing interest in activities you used to enjoy

STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH STRESS

-Accept help. Be prepared with a list of ways that others can help you, and let the helper choose what he or she would like to do.
-Focus on what you are able to provide. Don't give in to guilt. No one is a "perfect" caregiver. You're doing the best you can at any given time. And you don't have to feel guilty about asking for help.
-Get connected. Organizations such as the Red Cross and the Alzheimer's Association offer classes on caregiving, and local hospitals may have classes specifically for the disease your loved one is facing.
-Join a support group. A support group can be a great source for encouragement and advice from others in similar situations. It can also be a good place to make new friends.
-Seek social support. Make an effort to stay emotionally connected with family and friends. Set aside time each week for socializing, even if it's just a walk with a friend. Whenever possible, make plans that get you out of the house.
-Set personal health goals. For example, set a goal to find time to be physically active on most days of the week, or set a goal for getting a good night's sleep. It's also crucial to eat a healthy diet.
-See your doctor. Get recommended immunizations and screenings. Make sure to tell your doctor that you're a caregiver. Don't hesitate to mention any concerns or symptoms you have.

RESPITE CARE:

Day hospitals provide medical care during the day. In the evening, your loved one returns home.
In-Home respite. Health care aids come to your home to provide companionship, nursing services or both.
Short-Term nursing homes. Some assisted living homes, memory care facilities and nursing homes accept people needing care for short stays while caregivers are away.

You aren't alone. If you're like many caregivers, you have a hard time asking for help, believing that you have to do everything by yourself. Unfortunately, this attitude can lead to feeling isolated, frustrated and depressed. Rather than struggling on your own, take advantage of local resources for caregivers.

Contact your local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) to learn about services in your community. Find your local AAA online or in the government section of the telephone directory.

I know it is hard for mom too. Days that I would rather be shopping or going out with friends for lunch. Those days are gone. But I know if something would of ever happened to me, she would of done the same thing. Humbling, isn't it. Yes, vent away, we do understand.

Hi.
Yep. All of that..........
I just found this site, too........
Do you feel that you have lost, well, you?.........
If you are at your breaking point, and a weekend off is not going to make it better, then you have to do whatever it takes to protect yourself. Noone else is in your home. Noone else is wearing your shoes..........you won't just pack your clothes and sneak out of the house one night, but you can make changes, you can make plans and follow thru.
It is normal to be angry at times. It is normal to be frustrated. It is normal to want to cry and scream at the same time. it is normal to have times when you feel numb, it is normal to feel trapped and occasionally panicked......but.........not all day, every day.........
Everyone has their own breaking point. Many here seem to be amazingly strong and determined and dedicated. I wish I was like that, but at this point, I am in the freaking out phase........I have been helping Mom for over two years. She is sometimes nice, but sometimes not very nice at all. And, she knows which buttons to push that make me feel horrible. She knows my personal, deep down weaknesses and she uses those personal weaknesses/sensitivities to hurt me, to be mean to me, and to "keep me in my place". I work on Detachment with Love, but I am really struggling with that right now. Well, OK, honestly, I am failing at that.......
In this life there are things we can fix, and things we cannot fix; situations where we can be helpful and situations where we are not helpful. Be honest with yourself, can you fix this family member, make him/her all better? I suspect not. But if you go over the emotional edge you cannot be of help anymore.
You know, deep down inside, what you need to do. You may not realize that. You may be afraid of making a decision, of speaking the truth, but it is there inside you somewhere. You are where you are right now because you want to be helpful, you want to do the right thing. Being honest, with kindness, is a good quality. It takes strength to be honest......It takes character to be honest (with kindness of course) at the difficult points in life.......you are never a failure when you are honest.....you are never a bad person/ungrateful child/lousy wife/whatever when you are honest.....

I feel for you..i too have been there. I love my mom so much but i would fantasize that I would just back up her things, and take her to my sisters in So CA and leave here there. I don't know why I didn't do that. Mom really wanted to be there anyway. I was working full time; i'd come home and take over caregiving; i was full time on weekeneds....i too hated the sites that said "take care of yourself". Geeze I didn't have time to do that; I was moving in fast forward; taking care of myself might have meant a week of sleep and that wasn't going to happen. Go for a walk ha!!!! I did try that with mom however to get her up and moving but it was of no help to me it didn't solve the problems i faced.

All the advice given is practical if you are not in fast forward mode of just "keeping up." If you are in the "just keeping up phase" all that advice is worthless. Sounds like you are beyond the burned out phase so the advise is also worthless. You need tangible things to work with which isn't happening for you.

I will re read your post and see what i can do. I am in Northern CA; where are you

Welcome Harleigh and (((HUGS TO ALL))) It's so nice to have found this site!!! Sounds liked sooo many of us are in the same boat. I'm 52, have been overseeing things with my mother for the last 5 yrs at least (meds, shopping, etc.), and because she could no longer remember about eating and keep track of whether or not she had taken her meds, lost thousands of dollars to scam artists badgering her by phone, not to mention opening her door to strangers and family members that used her for drugs - I'm SO fed up with everything!! When it rains, it pours...at a time when home, 30+ yr marriage and job were all falling apart, I also had to leave my home and move in with my mother who hadn't taken care of me since I was 4. That's only the tip of the icberg, but i'll leave all else for another time. I have no friends to vent with, not that they would understand anyway, and a brother that doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself, and a husband that doesn't understand what's so difficult. So I feel all the pain that each and everyone of you feel, and am very thankful to have found a safe haven to let it out. No matter what has happened in the past, this is still the person that gave birth to me and I owe her that respect. ~Elaine~

I am so grateful to find this site.
Two days ago I was overwhelmed and frozen - that deer in the headlight thing. The only thing spinning in my head was "Oh, My God", just over and over again.....I think part of my guilt comes from unreasonable standards I have for myself-why can't I do everything and make everyone happy and still advance my career and have lunch with my friends - you know, kinda' like how things work out so well on tv......... Part of the guilt is because I come from a family that always trained us to think of others first, but forgot the part about others giving back. Sacrifice is good. Yes, but sacrifice means giving up something that you have, and I don't have anything to give anymore.........and in a family relationship (or business or friendship) sacrifice works best when everyone tries to think of the needs of the othe person first-mutual sacrifice.
Dad worked hard to support us, he worked overtime almost every day to take care of us, but he also went to the coffee shop every night, and he went for walks every day (all by himself), and he and my mom went out to dinner together on a regular basis.
Mom stayed home with the kids. She gave up so much to be there for us. She wore the same clothes for years , she cut her own hair, so that the kids could have what they needed. But she went with Dad to the coffee shop every day. She took a ceramics class once a week......I feel guilty for not being perfect, for not being there 24/7, for not being calm and taking care of things with ease, but I forgot that my parents were not there 24/7 either. They got away from the kids every day. I compare myself to the care they gave me, but I didn't realize until today that I am comparing my adult actions to my child-vision of my parents. I am trying to be what I thought, as a child, my parents were, always there, always calm and controlled, perfect. I forgot that they left the house everyday, they got away from the kids every day, they made time for their own relationship, every day. I forgot that they told me to go outside and play so they could have some peace and quiet. I forgot that they told me to stop complaining because I didn't like what was for dinner......so right now, as I write this......I am realizing that I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to be everything for everybody.

A WWII saying is keep calm carry on which it sounds like you are already doing. Do you have any $$ for some respite care where you "just get a break" no walking, no movie, no doing something for yourself except sleeping????? My mom had some $$ when she arrived. She had a 2nd surgery. By this time I too was beyond burn out. The dr would only allow her to stay in the hospital 1 days so i used some of her money to put her in a convalescent home for a few days to take care of her post surgery needs. I told her it was part of the hospital. I feel so bad having done that however I needed a break. I got 2 days of good nights sleep but I missed her too much and was visiting alot anyway so I brought her home; i had hoped to keep her there a few more days.

ah yes. rotten self centered sibling that loves to yell, scream and make accusations but won't allow you to return fire she just hangs up on you. where is the advice for that? I here every word you are saying.

Rotten siblings. Yep. When I was in my 20's I took care of our grandmother. 18 months (I was married with a toddler). No help for anyone. I even had to take care of the funeral and the estate - only one sibling showed up for the funeral and that guy didn't bother to speak to me. Today, almost 30 years later, he has a very different memory of that time - he says he thought everything was taken care of, nothing to be done. Ha! BS.
Now, it is our mother. Everyone is older. 1 sibling is kind and helpful and supportive. Another sibling is nice and all, but not really into it. Another is far, far away, but likes to stick his finger into things from afar, stir up emotions, and then watch from afar as the mess swirls, all the while being the calm, mature one.....
Then, there are siblings who no longer talk with each other. Frankly, valid reasons, but that doesn't make it any easier.....
And Mom, she just doesn't see any problems.......never has.......
No wonder we want to scream, no wonder we want to run away, no wonder we want it to be over with,already.

For many of us it would only take one person to lend a helping hand and our life and attitude could be completely transformed.The real anger starts to come out when we realize there will be no knight on a white horse coming to 'save' us from the turmoil.Some may walk away themselves and others somehow tough it out even if they fully understand the toll it will take on their own life.The sad part is it doesn't get and better after the job is over because the siblings continue the same pattern.I was lucky because my parents were wonderful and that made going the distance a lot easier.The damage is already done so looking back just brings more pain.Time to move on just like my ancestors did after doing their duty for their loved ones.Yeah I did a lot of damage to my health and plans for the future but living with the guilt for the remainder of my life would be a lot worse.

I speak from experience by saying that deep resentment usually means that some type of abuse has occurred or maybe just unclear boundaries where people get hurt. Took me years to learn this. Even subtle verbal or emotional abuse occurs with elderly people who have dementia or maybe just don't feel well. When they are sick it's harder to behave appropriately. However, that doesn't mean we have to take abuse. We have a right to set boundaries and limit exposure to harmful environments. If this is not the case for you then sorry and wish you luck in your situation with more specifics could say more. I am new to this site but really relate to so much of this. I let out a 3 second scream in my car today and felt so much better that I laughed after! and I pray alot sometimes really loud. It helps me. I hope you find whatever helps you!

My mom has been living with me for 7 years. She has many health problems. In the past year she has suffered from psychosis. Beginning ast week she no longer recognizes I am her daughter. she asks me when C is coming back and where did she go. What is she to tell people when they ask about C? She is not a mean, spiteful person. We have had episodes of her hit or slap me but that has rectified with a slap to her face. A slight one but it stung and we have had no more of that. My mother recognizes my sibling and every other person she talks to but me. She requires a sitter when I am working. She has had a sitter before but improved enough her doctor said she could stay alone while I work. My sibling does not help me financially. Never has and never will. My mom went to stay with him on two weekends while I worked. She was brought home early and told she could never go back to stay with him again. She makes HIM a nervous wreck! My reply to him was WELCOME TO MY WORLD 24/7! There are times when I wish my mother would die. But deep down I don't want that to happen. I just want some help with caring for her. I am tired of living my life according to what I have to do for her. I lived alone for years and LIKE it that way. I can't bear to place her in a facility. I don't know that she would even qualify for one. She is my mother and I love her. But I don't like her very much at times. Her current mental state is no one's fault. It just is. I know that it can be so much worse and many people deal with much worse than i do. And I really love the people who tell me I should be thankful I still have my mother with me. You can take her for a week anytime you like. No takers on that offer so far! Thank you for this site to vent or whine or whatever emotion this invokes.

You sound like an angry, resentful caregiver and not at all the sort of person who is suitable to even be a caregiver. I don't mean that as an insult- just the facts. In this case, you would be doing your family member a favor by finding an assisted care facility or some other caregiver. Not all of us have the temperament and patience to do this for a family member. You don't so set yourself free. It would be easier for you to visit than to have to do all of the caregiving.

Well ladies, lets all line up for the firing squad, terrimerritts has labled us as 'unfit'.... I really love it when someone like terrimerritts comes on board, gives us a target for our righteous indignation.... for one more damned time of NOT BEING HEARD..... Tell ya what terrimerritts, you take turns coming and giving us all some damned respite, you'll get to be RIGHT , and we'll get some much needed rest... sounds like a win-win to me.....

All I am gonna say to terrimerritts is "what the heck"??? Can't you see that she is trying to vent a little, express her thoughts and feelings and you just slammed her?

Well, don't know how you found us, but glad you did. You will feel better knowing that you are not alone in your feelings or thoughts and that there is no dosage of guilt here on this site, ONLY support--and hugs...God bless you, I feel your tension and pain in this and hope you find a little comfort here with us.

(PS To Victoria--I used to get called that even as a kid in high school and was chaste and a virgin and imagine your mother calling you such a heinous thing like that. It's sick and I could never imagine saying something like that to my daughter.)

While I had worked in Nursing Homes over 5yrs as a Nurse, I was not prepared for how difficult it would become being the "24-7 Caregiver" with no time off or privacy or support. This site has been so helpful.- when I see others' experience situations and problems (which I had not previously been aware of),,I think "oh good, I'm not loosing my mind". Please keep making contact with your state and local agencies for elderly and disabled. Call hospice in your area. Contact your MD. Someone will finally give you the correct info on how to get homemaker, personal care worker or nurse to assist you. Call Am Cancer society which might be able to link you to anyother disease/illness agency which might have volunteers like Hospice programs..volunteers to stay with patient for 1-2hr so you can get out of the house. Some Church's have voluteers to visit sick-some even have volunteer nurses who do home visits. Please stay connected to this site and all of us ..give us updates of your attempts. Remember on a plane ..that first air mask must go on YOU!

Please do not feed into terri-whoever. She is like my sister. She likes to drop and bomb and then run. Last time she posted something i asked her some questions. she never answered them (running away). Undoubtedly is is troubled. We all know the truths. Ignore her please. I just reported her post.

Thank you everyone for your wonderful supportive responses. It's nice to know and yet it's heart-tugging at the same time to understand that there are so many people out there who are exhausted caregivers like myself. It's so tough to take over the care of someone and keep yourself together. I'm sure you all have close friends and you know they really do help you keep you from jumping off a bridge, at least in my case. This week is a family sit-down to make a decision about gramma because everyone knows I've had enough and it's affecting my mental and physical health. I've become addicted to sleeping pills in order to shut my mind off at night enough so I can sleep and I need to go get some help. Bless you all so much! i'll be in touch

Bless you Harleigh! We look forward to hearing that your family is supportive and that you find a wonderful alternative for Gramma. I applaud you for getting help and standing up for yourself! Take very good care and keep in touch!

Ooww. someone mentioned being called bad names.
I understand I am supposed to ignore the bad names.
I understand I am to Detach with Love.
But damn, when she calls me names it brings back my teenage years when I got so many mixed messages - you should dress nicer so the boys will like you/you have so much blush on you look like a hussy.
I am an adult, I understand this. She is in decline, I understand that. Sometimes people in decline lash out and who knows how to hurt you the most but your mother? But when she does this it brings back old memories and feelings I thought I had outgrown and gotten past. It goes down into that very sensitive place in me. ........
As someone already said, some of us have these problems because of abusive families and/or boundary issues in the family. I agree. I spent years in therapy to learn about boundary issues....... A lovely, clinical diagnosis, but what to actually do with that information today???????
The one program I really found helpful was Al-Anon. For the family of addicts. Al-Anon does not deal with the caretaker issues most of us have, but they do deal with the dysfunctional family, the emotional toll of living with family that does not communicate normally. Al-Anon is where I learned about Detachment with Love - a concept I still have trouble understanding, but I am better than I was 5 years ago. I have applied much of what I learned thru Al-Anon to my current relationship with Mom, but I think I have broken down (or, she has broken me down, but Al-Anon encourages me to avoid blaming others)

You are suppose to be able to vent on this site. Venting to those who understand and listen and appreciate you. Often you really don't feel appreciated, or some days even a person. What you say here is a thought. I have no siblings, so I do not have that kind of rage. But I sure understand it. I do have a very strong faith in Christ. Blessings to all.

I'm a newbie, but have appreciated this site. There are 3 medically fragile family members that my sister and I have been assisting (our parents, and a mentally handicapped sibling). If one is in the hospital, we are spread too thin, not enough of us to go around. If we ask another sibling for help, we get the speech that if we didn't help so much that they would have to be institutionalized, and that's their excuse for not helping - not even occasionally. I understand your experience and often feel your same hopelessness. I am planning on contacting my local agency on aging. I think they have services that are based on ability to pay that we may be able to use to help us out. Your feelings are justified - do not feel guilty for having them. Hugs!

Terrimerritts, if you are basing who I am and how I care for my mother on a frustrated and emotionally drained post, you are clueless. Apparently from reading others posts, many people have similar feelings. At least my first response to my mother's problems was to dump her in a nursing home as my brother would have me do. I know what kind of care she would receive in nursing home. That is not a slam against nursing homes either. The staff and nurses at nursing homes are over worked and underpaid. When society is willing to pay $100 million to a sports figure to play a game, but only pay minimum wage to those taking care of our elderly, something is terribly wrong. But that is another issue. I don't have to justify myself to you or anyone else.