mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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Because there's no dental records and everybody's DNA is the same.
Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama/West Virginia/ Kentucky ( Insert any redneck state here)
Cause if had been invented anywhere else it would be called a TEETH brush.
We should just do the punch lines.....ITS YOUR NIGHT IN THE BARREL....Just fill in the blanks.
You'll be the leader of a big ole band, and people from miles around will come and see you til the sun goes down!
CG stands for CareGiver!
What happened, are ya all d, e, f, ??
"Mexicalli Rose" and "Hungarian Dance #5" and ofcourse "Love Makes The World Go Round".
Thanks anyway though~
If you playing a simple country song in the key of C for example, the bass will play these 2 notes quite a bit in an alternating pattern. There will probably be an F in there as well. It’s the OOMPA SOUND. Like a tuba.
The three principal chords in the key of C are C, F, and G. If you can play these 3 notes you can play bass in a basic country band...Or rock band...Or polka.....
The captain wants to show that he is one of the guys and that the sergeant has nothing to be embarrassed about. He says, "I think I'll give that a try." He makes use of the camel's services, and then finds the sergeant staring at him in amazement. He says, "Well, Sergeant, isn't that the way the men do it?" The sergeant replies, "No sir. They use the camel to ride into town where there's a brothel."
Haven't I heard some of these as viola player jokes?
As in, which is the best person to pick for your string quartet?
Santa Claus
The Pied Piper of Hamelin
A slow viola player
A quick viola player
Answer: the slow viola player. The others do not exist in reality.
When you throw the accordion in the dumpster and it lands right on top the banjo.
HOW TO TUNE A BANJO
STEP 1
Give up....
HOW DO YOU GET A DRUMMER OFF YOUR FRONT PORCH?
Pay for the pizza......
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BASS PLAYER WHOSE GIRLFRIEND JUST BROKE UP WITH HIM?
Homeless
HOW MANY GUITAR PLAYERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
Just one....And 12 others to argue about how Clapton would have done it.
The roll and roll band is having a good night. The bar is packed and they’re really in the groove. During a break a talent agent comes back stage, tells the guys he loves their sound, wants to sign them to a huge recording contract and start them on tour, all expenses paid.
They’re all estactic as they go back on stage. The lead guitar player is thinking about all the good drugs and groupies. The drummer is thinking how he can catch up on alimony, pay the mortgage and get a new car. The keyboard guy is thinking about the big boat and Harley he’s going to buy. The bass player is thinking....CG,CG,CG,CG................
So he asks a comrade....What do you guts do for women out here? Guy says....Oh, once a year they’ll drive a heard of camels through and we take our pick. First guy....No f......... way I’d ever do that!
About a month later, guy wakes up, hears the thunder of hooves way out in the desert. He takes off running with all the other guts towards the herd of camels off in the distance. He notices there’s only 20 guys and there must be 100 camels. He yells to the next to him........Hey! What are we running for? There must be 100 camels?! Guy says.........Ya don’t want to get an ugly one do ya!?
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower. I want to be six again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kick-ball during recess.
I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips.
I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset. I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever, I want to be oblivious to the complications of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something used for escape from the things I should be doing. I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them. I want to be six again.
I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else.
I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for.
I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees & riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to fix the old car.
I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up and what I'll be, who I'll be and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want that time back.
I want to travel back and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.
I want to be six again
Here is my contribution for the day. Enjoy.
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. He explained: " as there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around" he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? ... is it midnight already?'
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."
And one of them was assaulted
(Old favorite of mine that makes my now adult children roll their eyes)
Dogperson, I'm guessing you're the 2nd guy walking into the bar with the chihuahua. ;D
(True story ??.... very moving)
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost on the way and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the grave-diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
But I think, after nearly wetting yourself, you’d understand why I think it was a wonderfully helpful story.
Was a bit constipated, took a laxitive yesterday and it hadn’t worked...yet.
I was relaxing on the bed after seeing my wife at her board n care. I was tearing up laughing, all along the way with this story. Then, I just burst out in such extreme laughter that, you guessed it!
I barely made it to the toilet! Damn you! And thank you!
WARNING - if you're anti-gun, you should not read this. And don't send me any message about it either. I am not promoting guns. The statistics were accurate for the year the joke was written.
Accidental Deaths
A) The number of physicians in the U..S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept.. of Health and Human Services.
*************
Now think about this:
Guns
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.
(Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188
Statistics courtesy of FBI
**********************
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
***********************
Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'
**********************
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!
***********************
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
**********************
Out of concern for the public at large,
We withheld the statistics on
lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
They finally reach the husband and he rushes to the hospital, very apologetic for having been unavailable earlier. His wife forgives him, and he says, "Well, what are we going to name the babies?" The wife says, "I told my brother he could name them, since he got me to the hospital in time." The husband says, "What?! Your brother's an idiot. How could you let him name our children?" She says, "He was here for me when I needed him, so it seemed only fair." He says, "What did he name them." She says, "He named the girl Denise." He says, "That's a good name. Maybe I underestimated your brother. Maybe he's smarter than I thought. What did he name the boy?" She says, "De nephew."
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
But here's a short animal joke.
Person 1: What mouse walks on 2 legs?
Person 2: Hmm, I dunno.
Person 1: Mickey Mouse
Person 1 again: What duck walks on 2 legs?
Person 2: Hmm, Donald the duck?
Person 1: All ducks walk on 2 legs
:D
"I used the fly swatter, Mommy!" At the horrified look on Mommy's face, the little girl quickly added, "Oh, I didn't use the new one. I used the old one!"