Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Xrayjodib, so sad that your daughter doesn’t want to see her nana and that you are stressed about the visit. Stay positive: your daughter understands and sympathises with your difficulties, and the visit is for 48 hours only, some of which you will spend sleeping and so not in direct contact. Try and have a plan of what you want to do each day, and have an escape route if it all gets too much: a coffee in a room on your own, away from it all, tearing into those Christmas chocolates without someone telling you you’re fat enough already, a glutton, a bad mother/daughter, hard to love, etc etc. Post on the forum and we will get you through it!!

Questforlove, good to hear you recognise your own experiences in many of ours - it does help to validate what you are going through. It sounds like you’ve developed a number of good coping strategies for dealing with the abuse. You are going Grey Rock with your mother when she starts up, and that is great. It allows you to create a barrier against the behaviour and avoids a big scene, which is what the narcissist wants. You said your son’s doctor was great, which shows that other people do listen to you and help with your concerns and problems, and that you have a right to your own feelings, needs and wants. You are not unattractive or a disappointment - but your mother’s behaviour is both of these things. I agree that trying to rise above it all through good humour can help. When I am at breaking point with the latest round of abuse, I might take myself to an empty room, look out of the window and just smile rather than cry. It’s actually quite hard to cry if you are smiling.

Chris your analogy about the missing puzzle piece is so spot on.

When I gave you that hypothetical question- in a way I was asking myself the same question, because our mother's are so similar. I'm constantly fighting internally to not get triggered by her, and grey rock/professional tone are all I really have right now. I'm glad it's working somewhat for you, and I can agree with you that anything beats them flying into a rage.

I can't wait for the covid vaccine. My next "boundary" project with my mom is going to be trying to get her to accept a hired companion a couple days a week. I am SICK TO DEATH of her having NO life here outside of me and DH. I know she will resist this idea immensely, and I'm not sure what to do about it, or even how to approach her about it, but these daily visits are way more than I want.

Hey Jodi, I hope your visit goes okay, try to stay busy and if you need to vent we are here for you!

Piper, you've set yourself a goal with that hired help idea, and that's good. If your mother is initially against it, I would reduce your contact with her in the house, reduce the help you give, and make a list of all the help you are no longer prepared/able to give. When your mother complains, show her the list and explain the solution - hired help. If your mother really is like mine, when she realises you are serious she may well see that hired help is better than no help. My mother is still trying to bully and abuse me into doing things for her, but at the same time I know she is also busy thinking of how to rope in various people at the new supported living place. The diference is that they are paid to do this, it is their job. I'm neither paid for it nor do I want to be. As an aside, my mother offered me money if she could stay in our house, missing the big point that not everything in life is transactional, and especially so in a loving family.

Oh no doubt she will be against it. I brought it up once pre-covid and she flat out told me she doesn't want to meet any new friends and that she is fine with just me, my DH and our dogs. In reality there is nothing fine about this.

Another talk will be coming, I'm just waiting on the vaccine.

Interesting that your mom wanted to pay you to stay at your place. Whew, thankfully that didn't happen! When is her move out date again?

Piper, she goes to the supported living "try out" in about 10 days. As Covid is again out of control in the UK this timing might slip back if there's another full lockdown. I can live with this, as it would be due to circumstances beyond our control, not due to changing our minds. Another useful exercise can be to think back to what your mother was doing with her life when she was your age, and then to contrast this with what you are doing at this same age. In my case my mother had taken early retirement as her 2nd husband was 10 years older. They then took around 6 holidays per year, mostly cruises. At the same time, my grandfather was put into residential care as soon as my grandmother died. Compare that with mine, as it was pre Covid: dealing with sulking, rage and general "spoiling" behaviour even if I just met up with a friend, or went out with my husband. We took one, sometimes two, modest 1 week holidays a year. My mother would go and stay with a friend rather than look after herself, leaving an hour before we did and returning an hour after we did, ready for full house services to resume. You could try pointing out the differences between each of your lives at the same life stage. I did, knowing (correctly as it turned out) that it would be met with general rage, but it did allow me to make the point. It has also paved the way for me to insist I have the same freedoms she had. I don't want 6 cruises a year, but I would like to be able to leave the house occasionally without anger and recriminations.

I woke up this morning and I couldn't breath. All these thoughts running through my head. The main thought was how much of my youth was wasted! Had I known that my mother hated me in my 20's, 30's and so on, I would have made different choices. I think about how I fought for her! How I was always there for her! How I cleaned up so many of her messes! How I used up so much of my time and energy on her. Just to figure out that she was the one always stealing from me. She was the one that turned my brother against me. She was the one talking crap behind my back. Telling me to my face that she loved me and then turn right around, and tell me how my dad was disappointed in me (not true). She was the main cause of my childhood pain!! And yet, SHE is the VICTIM!!! Yes, I know this is how NPD are!!! But how is it fair...it's not!!

Today, I want to scream!!! Why couldn't I have figure this out sooner? How did my dad not see it? Why didn't I tell my dad that my brother calls me names and mother does nothing about it?

I feel so cheated!!!

If I see my mother is a 1000 yrs it would be to soon!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN...EVER!!!!

Thank you for letting me vent and for reading it!!!😠

Shell, vent away my friend, it's good to get it out.

Did something happen that triggered the anxiety this morning, or just feeling overwhelmed in general?

Either way, please take some time for yourself today, as early as possible. Even if you have to get in your car and drive some place, get away from your mother and find a place where you can calm yourself.

Then you make a plan to get your life back.

Sometimes it helps just to visualize getting your life back! It's important to remember that this situation is fluid and will not last forever (even though it feels that way at times).

Shell, I do totally understand how you feel, and why these thoughts are overwhelming you. I know from my own experience that they just keep replaying over and over again, deafening you and drowning out all rational thoughts. I've felt this way over the last week, with a perfect storm of mother, christmas, mutant covid, midwinter, bad weather, storm damage, sick cat and another lockdown almost certainly looming. Things got so bad I didn't want to get up some mornings for fear of what was going to hit me next. For my own sanity I wrote down these worries as general headings, then worked through each one, looking at what I could influence and what I would just have to accept at the moment. I have felt a little better doing this, as it's got these thoughts out of my head, given me a few ideas to fix some things, and helped me to put other things into context. I would say though that I've not really looked back with regret at the "wasted years" looking after my mother. I seem to at least have enough sense to know that this will only make things worse. Instead, I tell myself I've been a decent person, not a fool, and that the experiences I've had, bad as well as good, will have helped me develop into a better person, even if that's just about not behaving in the way my mother has behaved. I can be at peace with that, and look forward to the postives yet to come, instead of backwards at the negatives. I'm telling you this in case you can find something in what I've done which might help you. Promise me you'll do something nice for yourself today...

Shell,

Just like you, I feel as if so many years were wasted.

My mom was constantly stirring the pot with my brothers too.

There was a lot of confusion in my childhood.

We made the choice to care for our moms because we believed in our hearts it was the right thing to do at the time.

Not to mention that we were conditioned to be nurturing as the daughters.

Looking back we see how our caregiving lingered much longer than it should have due to conflicting emotions and difficult circumstances.

In spite of issues with my mom I truly loved my mother when I was young and as an adult. I still do.

I understand that we all have individual relationships with our families. You have a right to feel however you like.

We think we know the people in our family. Often in past generations there were mysteries.

Once my mother told me, “Well, I did as I was told without questioning?”

It was then that I wondered what unfulfilled dreams she might have had.

I got the impression that she longed for things in her life that were left unspoken. Her tone indicated sadness. I didn’t want to pry and unbury a painful memory.

She suffers horribly as it is with Parkinson’s disease and I didn’t want to add to her pain.

I hate some of the things she’s done. On occasion she did apologize to me.

I do have wonderful memories with my family amongst the chaos. I am grateful for those. Sometimes I wonder where did it all go wrong.

Mom truly hates being a burden. It isn’t an act to gain attention with her. Who wouldn’t hate being dependent on others? She was very active in her younger days.

I went through a period of sadness and anger when my husband was diagnosed with cancer.

I even went through self hatred for feeling like I cheated him out of 20 years of our marriage due to caregiving, 15 in our home.

I am married to the love of my life. Is he a saint? No, he is an ordinary man who is very special to me.

Sometimes I wish that he would’ve threatened to divorce me to shock me into being his wife and mother to our children without the responsibility of caregiving.

My husband knew how fragile I became after being a caregiver.

I think that he felt any additional pressure would have pushed me over the edge.

Instead he held me close and told me how much he missed being alone with me.

I felt trapped in the middle of my husband and my mom.

I pray every single day that he will be totally cured from his cancer.

I can’t bear the thought of being without him.

He occasionally told me that he hated seeing me stressed. He was stressed too.

All relationships take a hit even if they are loving.

I hope that you will find peace and joy in the upcoming year.

Don’t lose hope. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

NHWM: I have a question: If your mother 'truly hates being a burden' as you say, why hasn't she insisted on placement in Assisted Living years ago? Why does she persist on BEING a burden to her children if she truly hates it so much?

DH & myself have 7 children between us; long ago we both decided we will NEVER move in with ANY of our children simply because we will NOT be a burden to them.

I found another article which I think is quite helpful on the subject of growing up and dealing (now) with Narcissistic people:

https://bandbacktogether.com/master-resource-links-2/mental-illness-resources/adult-children-of-narcissistic-parents/

Shell, sending you a big hug today. Grief is part of the healing process; so is recognition of what's happened to you. Here is an excerpt from the link I just shared: (https://bandbacktogether.com/master-resource-links-2/mental-illness-resources/adult-children-of-narcissistic-parents/)

"One of the problems with being a child of a narcissist is that it takes years for the children to figure out that their parent isn’t quite right in the head. By this time, these children are simply doing everything they can to please the impossible-to-please parent. It takes years to understand that the parenting they got was both wrong and abusive."

Sometimes it takes DECADES to figure out the parent isn't quite right in the head. And, since we were trained & coached to believe our mothers were and are PERFECT in every way, shape & form, then having those thoughts is WRONG and we're TRAITORS. So we tend to squash them down when they DO rise up. Right?

It's not YOU it's HER.

It's okay to feel cheated; to feel angry; to feel robbed. You have that right. You've been duped into thinking it's YOU who's the bad guy when all along, it's been HER.

As far as your dad...........here's what I think on that subject: our mothers and NMs in general are VERY very secretive; they harbor A LOT of secrets. Our fathers didn't realize what all was going on; they were victims as well as us. Our NMs had THEM duped and cowed along with US. They weren't sure how to handle their wives or the scope of what was happening to US. I really do believe that. If my father knew WHAT all was going on in the house while he was working 16 hr days, he'd have put a stop to it.

I read something else the other day that blew my mind. BLEW. MY. MIND.

It said, Narcissistic mothers train US to feel THEIR emotions so they can remain detached.

Read that again.

WE are forced to feel all of their emotions so they don't have to. We're the ones put thru the rollercoaster of THEIR emotions along with OUR OWN emotions so we wind up being basket cases, wondering why? Gee, what's wrong with ME?
Uhm, nothing.............we were TRAINED to BE basket cases so our mothers could go along their merry way with a lighter load to carry.

NHWM, I can feel your anxiety about your husband's illness, and the "what if" scenario you are worrying about, and I really sympathise with you. Can you try to focus on some small but positive milestones for the two of you over the coming weeks? In my experience, trying to break things up into manageable chunks can help a little. Life is so much more difficult right now, so a bit of self care is more important than ever. Sending best wishes for you and your husband during his treatment.

Lealonnie, I've just read that link you put in on your recent post on this thread. Thank you so much for that. I feel I am reading so much of my own experiences in it. I find it so helpful to read these articles about narcissistic parents. There are so many, all written by different people, but all offering the same insights and possible solutions/coping strategies. For me, they have the cumulative effect of validating my own experiences, and also explaining the various traits I have in adulthood. Perhaps most importantly of all, the advice given acts like a mantra I can keep repeating to myself when things get tough. These days, after much reading and soul searching, I can look at my mother and think "I know what you are, I know what you've done in my life, and I now know how to deal with you." Reading these articles can be a painful process as you start to realise what has happened to you, but I hope others in a similar situation find them as helpful as I have.

Lea,

I mean in a general sense. She hates not being able to care for herself.

She was used to doing for herself before the Parkinson’s disease progressed to a higher level.

I suspect that she is like many other elderly people and has a fear of the unknown.

It’s an adjustment to move into a facility, especially with Covid cases in facilities.

Initially she was uncomfortable asking for help, even with me.

I would cringe if I saw her trying to reach for something because she started to fall on occasion due to mobility issues.

She said over and over, “I don’t want to have to bother you.”

She knew towards the end that I was becoming overwhelmed. She would say to me that it was too much for me to handle on my own. She did feel badly about it.

I know that I would hate to lose all of my independence. I fear growing old after watching my mom suffer terribly.

Some people are willing to receive help more graciously than others.

I told mom that me getting something from the closet for her was easier than an ER trip!

Is it pride? Is it embarrassing for them to have to ask for help? Who knows?

Gradually she started to lean on me for help but she was never truly comfortable doing so. She’s a perfectionist and likes things done her way.

I compromised when it was possible but I did things my way too.

Clashes are bound to occur. Too much togetherness causes friction too.

Her pain and frustration caused her to become irritable and impatient at times.

Her disease made it impossible to cope on her own.

I believe some who go through caregiving for a long time develops a codependent relationship on each other.

It becomes a vicious cycle and cycles aren’t broken overnight.

I doubt that anyone knows beforehand how tough caregiving can become. I certainly didn’t.

I don’t want my children or my husband caring for me if I need extensive care.

I know that Covid is in our facilities and it’s frightening to think about.

So many seniors have died painful deaths alone.

I doubt if my brother will place her. He has hospice helping. I am glad for that.

NHWM, so your mom is on hospice now? Sending prayers for all concerned.

I know for myself, I could NEVER care for my mother in home. Never in a million years. I have no idea how you did it for so long.

My DH said to me the other day that if he gets Alzheimer's, he will NOT have me caring for him and that he will 'do what he needs to do' if that's the case. I feel the way he does, if I were to develop AD myself.

Nobody wants to lose independence or have others care for them, I don't think. I remember when I had cervical spine fusion surgery (neck) back in 2008; I could not shower alone. DD put on a bathing suit and came into the shower with me to help!! LOL. Momma didn't love that, let me tell you, but I accepted her help graciously, especially since I knew it was going to be short lived!!!!

Chriscat, I'm with YOU. These articles help ME as well. What I discovered this week is 'cognitive dissonance' which explains how I feel so torn between what my mother SAYS and what she DOES. The two don't jive. She says "I love you" and acts like she hates me. My whole life has been like this; I'm sure others here can relate. It's the disconnect between what's said and what's done; the keeping us off kilter. Making us think WE are crazy & questioning ourselves. Well she SAYS she loves me, maybe she DOES and I'm in the wrong!!!! Similar to Gaslighting but on a different level.

Know what I mean?

"By definition, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously. When we’re involved with a narcissist, cognitive dissonance is a psychological state that keeps us clinging to a narcissist even when we know he/she is completely incapable of ever loving us.  In other words, we are torn between believing what we want to believe about someone and accepting what we know to be the truth (as horrible as that might be). Moments of cognitive dissonance can – and do – occur with everyone numerous times in a lifetime and every so often will actually result in our making important decisions that ultimately work in our best interest. Cognitive dissonance is not always a bad thing because it does, every so often, help us to weigh both sides of a situation so that we make the best choice based on the truth and on the facts."

Anyway, here is another useful article I found helpful:

https://narcissistfamilyfiles.com/2017/08/18/brain-influence-narcissist-parents/

We so often read about suffering from anxiety and panic attacks as adults, nightmares, addictions etc............I suffer from a slew of these things myself! And mostly, from Compassion Fatigue which lumps so many of these symptoms into that category (in my opinion). It's like I have NO strength or ability left in me to deal with my mother's chronic, endless BS anymore. I feel DONE. Here I am, at 63, wanting peace & serenity in my life for ONCE, yet still having to deal with the mind games being played by my NM.

One day at a time, right Ladies?

Lea,

Thanks for prayers. She has had hospice for several months now.

It’s been a little over a year since she moved out.

Sometimes we all need help. I hope that I can be gracious receiving help.

I am not a good patient in the hospital. I am the person that asks to go home everyday.

A bathing suit works! I love the idea of water shoes for your mom.

That is brilliant! You should tell the administration of the facility about that idea!

Lea, you are a mine of useful information! I hadn't heard of Compassion Fatigue but looking it up I can relate to the feelings of emotional numbness. As for Cognitive Dissonance, I recognise that struggle between what you want to believe vs the reality. My mother has never said she loves me so at least I'm not confused in that area. In fact, a few weeks ago when she was in full rage mode and I had bad joint pain flare up, I needed to calmly ask her to stop as I felt so unwell. I said "I know you don't really care about me but I am feeling unwell and need to take a rest." She half heartedly said "I do care" but it was so unconvincing I knew she didn't mean it. If someone really loved you then at this point they would tell you so. Today the joint pain has been bad again and I could hardly walk, so I couldn't drive us to do our weekly shop. My husband took her instead. All she was interested in was what time they were going out. There was no concern for how I was feeling or whether she could help, even a simple gesture like offering to make a cup of tea when she was making one for herself. Thankfully this kind of thing no longer upsets me. I've become emotionally detached from her now, and that is much better for my mental health. Lea, try to detach from the mind games if you can, then you will be a less attractive target.

ExhaustedPiper,
I just woke up thinking how mean my mother's mother (grandma) was to my mother and how mean my mother is to me; furthermore, how I have NEVER let people abuse me in anyway and yet, I let my mother do it to me, not really knowing at the time, but I do now and I can't leave yet...that is all I want--to leave! I am so angry with myself for putting myself in this awful position!! Every bad relationship I have ever had I left. I didn't care about the "I'm sorry or gift, or whatever the guy said," I left and never looked back! I have the Gift of Goodbye!! However, I can't just leave and every cell in my body is saying, "LEAVE, IT'S NOT SAFE HERE!!!!" But I have to get my ducks in a row and that takes time and money! Rent is way to high here now and my state has a program to help low income people with down-payment, but it can take years and I don't have years!
I had to take my sig-other to the hospital Sunday and he has no health insurance so there is more of our saving gone and he has to see his Dr because he has now high blood pressure and will need meds, which is more money gone! Not all of this is his fault and it's not my fault either. I always cook and we eat healthy. Does he like his chips and sweets--yes! But he really doesn't go over! Sigh!
Anyways, back to my point, it seems like every sense I decided we were moving out everything is happening to us to lose money and not be able to save any! Heavy sigh!!! I do visualize that my sig-other and I are living in another house and my mother is GONE!!

Chriscat,
Talk about things replaying over and over again that is what I have been going through! It stops for awhile then BAM! It starts up again! Thank you for bringing that up, so I know I am not the only one who this is happening too. I think this year has been harder on me because of the Covid. We were not able to do day trips or anything. I loss my seasonal part-time job because of the new owners didn't want to pay us our full amount and I wasn't going to do the work and make half the money. In fact, they only wanted to pay us Gas money that's it! 10 of us walked out!! That job gave me time away from my mother and I loved that job! It gave me a breakdown! Now we are in our winter months which can last 9 months!! Ugh!!
My mothers negative energy is so thick you can cut it with a knife! I do have my bedroom, which I can lock the door and light my candles and surprisingly it feels calm compare to the rest of the house! But like I told Piper I just want to leave! I will do something nice for myself tonight! After my sig-other goes to work it will be time for me to go to bed and I will sit in my room with my little Christmas tree lite up and watch a good movie and eat Hershey's kisses! I will probably listen to a sermon or read the Bible! I know this doesn't sound like much, but it makes me feel better!! I can image that I live somewhere else!!!

Thank you so much Piper and Chriscat!💗💗

Hugs!!!

Chris, I'm sorry you're going through such pain; bad enough the physical, but add the emotional on top of it. I'm glad you are able to emotionally detach, but still, it's all too much after awhile, isn't it?

My mother is/was the smothering type; the false "I love you" statements followed by the opposite actions and rages, etc. Senseless, and extremely confusing to a child and even an adult. She has to be involved in everything; allows no privacy, there is no trust, no boundaries, nothing. She always feels like she's being denied 'information' and we're keeping her in the dark. Trusts nobody; everyone is out to get her. Just a strange combination of traits to deal with.

The mind games she plays with me now are outrageous; but she lives in Memory Care & I fact check EVERYTHING she says, which is 90% lies. The staff is onto her games at the MC also, and they know she's an attention whore. She's 'dying' every day of her life (94 in Jan) yet there's nothing wrong with her besides dementia and neuropathy. I keep contact to a minimum, and the fact checking helps me sort the bull from the sh*t. I am her only real target b/c of being the only child! So lucky me, huh? Ha.

Shell: sending up prayers that you and SO can get OUT of there SOON, and that his BP problems are remedied with the meds. They are pretty inexpensive, fortunately. Your plan for this evening sounds relaxing! :)

Shell, funny how you don't take any bad behaviour from anyone except your mother. Me too - I've never taken any c**p from anyone - except my mum! Sounds like your room is your sanctuary, it's good you have somewhere safe you can go. A movie and chocolates sounds perfect. I am envious - chocolate never lasts long in our house and I've already polished off the few chocolate presents I received this Christmas....

Lea, yes it's all a bit much. I'm an only child too, so am the sole target like you. Good to hear the staff at your mum's place are aware of her behaviour - hopefully that makes you feel a litte less isolated?

Lea,
Thank you for validating my feels!
I know intellectually that if my dad knew what my mother was doing to us kids he would have thrown her out on the street so fast it would have made her head spin! He hated liars, thieves, users, and abusers! But there is part of me that thinks he would have taken her side. My dad, like yours worked 14 to 16 hrs a day and had no clue what she was doing!

Part of me knows that it is her and not me, But Then there is the part of me saying, "are you sure it's her and not you? How could she have hid who she was for Decades?" But I do know that there are people who hid who they are for decades. Look at the Serial Killers who were married with kids and how they went out and killed people. I mean Really!!! These men were going to school plays, working and having cookouts and no one knew that they were killing people. It is sad that my mother can be compared to serial killers! I remember having friends that thought I was so lucky to have a great mom!!! Little did we all know the truth!!

The funny thing is, I don't want my mother back...not even the mother I thought she was...I want my years, youth, and my energy back! I want back what she has taken from me! I want to jump in a time machine and go back to 1993 knowing what I know now!!! But DON'T WE ALL WANT THAT?! Maybe not that year!! But wishing we did things differently!! I know that is not going to happen!!!

On Christmas day, I made my dad's duck with orange sauce. My mother said, "my orange sauce was good." I said, "yes it is. Dad would be proud." Later that night, she looked at me and said, " your duck was great, but your orange sauce was ok...I had better." She went up the stairs leaving me standing there like "WTH" just happen? And it got me thinking...did she feel bad for whatever reason and now she wants me to feel bad? My answer to myself was "Yes!" I didn't! She can say what she wants, but I know I am a dam good cook and my orange sauce was awesome if I say so myself!

So here is a dumb question, how does someone make someone feel their emotions? Take on their emotions? My mother is always trying to make me feel like crap about myself by saying things like "your gray is showing and man do you look old!" Or your not that smart! Your cooking is ok! Are these the things she thinks of herself, therefore, she wants me to believe these things about myself?

I do plan to read the articles that you have posted, but part of me is scared! Scared that it will be to much...that my anger will be to much. I know I seem like a nice person and I am, but I can be a hothead! My anger can and has gotten the best of me! I am just scared that I will read something and it will be the straw that broke the camels back!!☠ She has done so much to me in the last 5 yrs that I really am surprise that I haven't lost my temper yet!!! I guess, kicking a bag around helps!!!!

Thank you so much for your help! You have done so much for me!💞

Shell,

I always say that I want a time machine too.

I would need my husband and kids to go back with me.

I grieve for lost years too.

I wish we could all go back to 2019 when there wasn’t any Covid here.

Thanks, Chris

Breaking things into manageable components is smart.

I tend to get ahead of myself sometimes, instead of living in the moment.

I feel anxious but I am hopeful.

NHWH,
I have been praying for your husband. I just want to reassure you that I am still praying and believing that God will heal your hubby!

I don't know about you with your mother, but with mine, I felt like I was the mom and she was the daughter!

Your hubby sounds like a wonderful man and both of you are lucky to have eachother!!! Thank you Need for your support! Hugs!!!

Chriscat,
I will put you on my prayer list! Gald to know that I am not the only one who doesn't put up with crap from people except for my mother!!! UGH!! Our mothers must have conditioned us to put up with their bs! I had to make my room a sanctuary because I needed to take better care of myself. I have my own health issues! Hugs!!

Lea,
When you talk about your mother it really sounds like you are talking about mine. Wants to know what everybody is doing, trusts nobody, but mine really never bothered with me. She ignored me most of the time. But she loves to throw out those false I Love You! Thank you for the prayers. I am very worried about my sig-other. Hugs!!!

I want to thank all of you for your support!💗💖💞

Shell, you say, "Part of me knows that it is her and not me, But Then there is the part of me saying, "are you sure it's her and not you? " THAT is a good example of the Cognitive Dissonance I mentioned!!!

"By definition, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously."

It's OKAY to believe that it's HER and not YOU. Because it IS. The CD feelings cause anxiety, confusion and I hate them. So it's important to recognize them and say AHA! THIS is what I'm feeling and I KNOW it now!!!!

Don't think about your father taking your mother's side...........that's a waste of energy. He would have been there for you as he's been all along had he known what was going on. These women are very secretive. EVERYTHING is a secret to my mother! Even now, at 94, she thinks others are 'snooping' into her business and 'giving her the 3rd degree' trying to pry her 'secrets' out of her. This is mental illness......the best way to look at it. Just like a serial killer is mentally ill, so is a narcissistic person. Not on the same level, but still mentally ill.

You want your youth back etc and to know then what you know now. What would have changed Shell? We were kids. We were a captive audience to mean mothers. We couldn't have escaped. Nothing would have changed. What we can do is try to move forward NOW and live good lives, free from the toxic waste dump that they force on us. I'm a fine one to talk..........I get caught up in my mother's BS all the time. She forces me to feel HER emotions, meaning she'll call me and get ME all hyped up, saying she's dying and so so so sick, etc, so I worry and can't sleep, wind up waking up at 3 am, 5 am, etc. Meanwhile, she's FINE. And I have been left with HER burdens b/c she's heaped HER fear of dying onto ME! Does that make sense? If something was truly wrong, the ALF would call me. I have to learn to let GO of being saddled with HER emotions, and just know that the phone will ring with the NURSE if something is wrong.

When your mother told you your duck sauce was good, you said 'dad would be proud.' You mentioned HIS name, gave HIM credit for something. She didn't like that. So she had to come back and say something mean to make you understand the sauce wasn't THAT good b/c How Dare You Say Something Nice About Your Father; Only I AM Deserving Of Compliments. That's how I read the exchange. Nobody BUT a narc is entitled to a compliment. Your father was nothing but a POS under her feet, as my father was to my mother, and every time I say something nice about HIM, SHE has a fit. Then finds it necessary to tell me something FOUL that HE did to make me 'hate' him, which will never happen. It's HER job to put YOU down; it makes her feel better about HERSELF: The twisted mind of an NM.............it's like a Stephen King novel.

So that insult was a good example of HER making YOU take on her emotions. She feels crappy about herself, so she insults you saying your duck sauce was mediocre. YOU wind up feeling gobsmacked, like whaaaat? Punched in the gut, while she waltzes on upstairs, unfazed, able to stay detached! SCORE! One for NM, zero for Shell. Again, the twisted mind of an NM. UGH.

Don't read the articles I posted links to if you don't feel ready to. Again, take things at YOUR leisure. The idea is to help YOU, not hurt you. Knowledge is power. BUT, if the knowledge is going to make you feel even worse, then take it in small doses, you know? The goal is to finally understand the game that's being played against you and how to counter it. That's all. You're not going to 'fix' her, you're not going to be able to heal a lifetime of suffering either, but the understanding of what's happening leads to developing better coping mechanisms. Making decisions about going low or no contact for self preservation, things like that. Don't feel like you 'have to' do ANYTHING except take care of Shell, ok?

Shell,

You nailed it when you said that you feel like you’re the mom and she is the daughter.

There is definitely a role reversal that happens in caregiving.

I can’t decide if the rebellious behavior is like a defiant toddler or a ‘devil-may-care’ teenager!

Thanks so much for your prayers for my husband.

Lea and Shell,

Lea, you reminded me of privacy issues when you said that your mom had secrets but it seems like they want to know everyone else’s business.

Mom watched the ‘Young and the Restless’ everyday. I used to tell her that just because she enjoyed the drama, it wasn’t real life.

My mom dresses like a soap star. She is super stylish.

She thought I dressed too casually to bring her to the doctor.

She would tell me to comb my hair and put on a little lipstick.

I swear that era ‘Hollywood glamour age’ didn’t even go to their mailbox without makeup!

Does your mom respect your privacy? Mine doesn’t.

My mother in law did not pry at all but my mom will ask all sorts of things.

She used to ask me why some of my friends got divorced. That was none of her business.

I never told her anyone’s personal business and it drove her nuts.