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Hey Shell......have you actually SEEN the title paperwork for your parents home? I think you need to make sure of it all before your mom passes away and get a lawyer involved, if there is any issue. Your brother is obviously mentally unstable and your NM is not to be trusted either, so please have your ducks lined up so you know what your rights are up front. If it turns out you don't have ownership of this house, I'd move far away from this so called brother and leave no forwarding address and change your phone number. He sounds like psycho Bob to me.

I have not noticed food sets off my headaches but stress and tension does. When I had my last full time job running a babysitting agency with 1000 clients and 200 sitters, all females, I had a headache every day by 10:30am. Best thing I ever did was quit that job.....it was the definition of a crazy house! 🤣
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Lea,
Yes, I have seen the Quit Deed and the will. I actually have all the paperwork in my safe. Not the house safe, but my safe. A safe that only my SO and I can get into. The house was Quit Deed to me in 2014.

My NB is mentally unstable and my NM cannot be trusted, which is why I have the paperwork and why I also made sure by looking up the deed to this house online using my city's public records! My ducks are all nicely set up. The Quit Deed is set up that the moment my mother passes the house is mine, which means, if my NB walks in the house and takes something I can call the cops and get my NB for unlawful entry and theft. My NM lawyer told me this and I read it in the QD!!! I would not have stayed here as long as I have if I wasn't covered.

Please Lea give me a little credit...I have NEVER Trusted that woman when it came to money or assets!!! Sorry to say, I learned as a teenager that she couldn't be trusted with those things!!

If I am here and my NM passes I plan on selling the house and buy a new one. Before I moved back here I didn't talk to my NB for 9 yrs. Now, he is not allowed here & hasn't been here in the past 2 to 2.5 yrs!
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Shell.....glad to hear it! It's not about "not giving you credit"......but about sly and cunning narcissistic family members. I'm happy to hear that you are a whole lot smarter than your NB. His antics sound worrisome to me and I just care about YOU, that's all
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Shell, that text was creepy. Do you know who it was from? Did a number show up, because you might be able to do a search on the phone number, and then block it.
Also I agree with your decision not to tell your NM about any of your plans. What kind of time table do you have for yourself, if any?

And when you are ready to move and tell her I hope she makes the right choice to let you get her placed and then sell the property. She may since she knows YB is a mess and deep down she's probably doesn't want his type of "care".

I ended up going to my mom's yesterday for a fairly short visit- about an hour. Of course she complained -- "Oh I thought we could eat together".... we eat together 85% of the time!! I brushed it off with "I have to be home later for a call about a new job I might be getting" and proceeded to lay the groundwork on that ;) I think she was kind of shocked, but couldn't get pi$$y about it because DH was there and also acknowledging my excitement "I really hope I get it".....

I will definitely be getting the job ;)

Lea I hope your headache is gone now! Listen to your body, if you are stressing out take a few days off from the calls, at least. I know sometimes your DH will do it, but your mom will live if she has to wait a few days. She is in MC thankfully so it's okay for you to leave her be while you take care of yourself. BTW isn't that memory care where you worked bringing workers back? I think they need you full time now ;)
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EP: Yay! Glad to hear you may be getting that job you're all excited about......LOL!
I still work at the Memory Care..............I just changed my hours to part time, but thinking about going back full time now........wink wink.

FWIW, there has not been ONE single time I've visited my mother where she didn't complain that I wasn't staying longer, or that we weren't eating together, or SOMETHING. Makes each visit that much more unbearable

My headache is better today, thanks. It's lurking in the background, I can feel it wanting to burst out, but it's not.

My mother wound up calling & leaving a message last night on my voice mail after I turned the phone off! She was 'sorry about her bad mood' the night before! I was surprised to hear her say that........but she will apologize (half heartedly) from time to time. She also felt the need to mention that a new shipment of Depends arrived when she already had WAY TOO MANY and now she has EIGHT BOXES she doesn't know WHAT she'll do with.

Truth is, she gets 100 Depends per month which computes to roughly 3.5 briefs per day. Each shipment comes in TWO boxes. Before I put her BACK on the monthly program, she would run out b/c she'd insist she had a big BOX of them in her closet, which was empty. So she'd be wearing men's Depends and all sorts of other things they'd give her at the MC, which was a problem. Now she's back on the monthly Amazon program I'm ordering for her and there is STILL a problem. Next time I speak to her I'm telling her THE SUBJECT IS CLOSED. I don't want to hear about how many millions of Depends you have until they're piled up to the CEILING in your room and you can't move & are suffocating from being smothered by Depends.
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Piper, yes I have a strange feeling you're going to get that "job" too!
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And Lea, your most recent post just made me laugh again. Thank you, I needed it! Who knew that at this stage in our lives we’d be getting so wound up about incontinence wear!! Seriously though, what is so depressing with elder care is the constant reminder about this and other aspects of aging. We are not there ourselves yet, but it can dominate our lives decades before we are. This can then cause us to lose perspective and in doing so, we miss out on the things we should be enjoying at our own life stage by being swamped with the less appealing aspects of elder care.
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Lea,
I'm sorry. I think I might be a little touchy because my NM has been looking and talking down to me! I just keep do whatever I'm doing at the time. Not making eye contact and keeping my answers very short! But it is really like they have an endless bag of tricks!! I know you are just making sure that I won't end up homeless because I took my NM word for giving me the house! Her word doesn't mean a darn thing.

Isn't it funny, how a narc will give us an apology every 5 to 10 yrs and we are suppose to be so grateful for a half hearted apology every 5 yrs!! Yeah right!! Sorry, but I had to giggle about your NM having Depends to the ceiling. They're not happy unless they are complaining!

I hope your headache gets even better as the day goes by!!💞

Piper,
The number was a Burner number because I did look it up and I went to call it and it was disconnected! So I couldn't trace the number, nor who did it!! The number didn't look like a real number!

My NB is 6 yrs older. I think my NM knows that he won't take care of her and spend all her money on drugs! Can you imagine two narcissistic people living under one roof?! Each of them thinking they are so much more prefect and special and both wanting control...that would be a disaster waiting to happening!
Glad to hear that you might be getting a job!😉
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Shell, hey, no worries! Love ya GF! We all have each other's best interests at heart here, that's for sure. I would never talk down to you b/c I know how that feels. Plus, you're nobody's fool........and have all your T's crossed & your I's dotted, thank God. Your NB is the one who makes me seriously uneasy here!

Chris: Glad I made you laugh! We all need it these days. There is a lot of backstory on the Depends fiasco........that's why I appear worked up. I am. LOL. She & I have gone back & forth like hamsters on a wheel about the auto delivery of said briefs from Amazon. She wants them/doesn't want them. I order them, cancel the auto ship, re order, cancel.........on and on I go like a lunatic! THIS time I was like WE ARE DONE! Unless you can't move in your room from the hoard of Depends, they ARE being delivered once a month now. Period. She is THAT much of a control freak and this is one of the last things she feels she HAS control over, that she wants to manage the arrival of the Depends. But it doesn't work.

She is also LIVID that the MC is now limiting her snacks! Yep. I bring them and she overeats them to the point where she's puking (near as the doctor and I can determine). She refuses to eat dinner b/c she hates the food, then gorges on snacks instead. So the MC is giving her ONE packet of a snack each evening & she's furious! I had to tell her that her doctor ORDERED the restriction due to her claims of 'throwing up & throwing up & throwing up'. Sigh. One thing after another, to say the least. God forbid she could eat a sandwich at dinner (their main meal/large meal is lunch) and then relax with ONE snack afterward. But no, an NM MUST HAVE HER WAY 100% of the time, isn't THAT the main thing???
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I have to confess to very mixed feelings about my mother's upcoming COVID vaccination. The 'nice' part of me is glad, of course, that she will be safe from the virus, but the 'bad' side feels slightly resentful that we, as always, are the ones who have to take her ten miles to the vaccination centre. It's not a big thing to ask, and anyone would do it for their parent. It's just that it has brought back the resentment of feeling trapped by the fact that she relies so heavily on us for almost everything. And I suppose I am worried that, once she and other residents are safe from the illness, she will start to complain that we aren't visiting her enough, as she did before the first lockdown last year. We had decided on a 'boundaries' plan of seeing her once a week at her apartment and having her here for a meal one day a week, plus any medical visits she needs. But, despite nearly a year of counselling, I am still nervous that we will fall out over what she wants and what I need - and that it will cause tension between me and my husband, who has no 'baggage' with her and is really the golden child now, even more than my brother, who also finds Mum difficult now, though not in the way I do.

I am ashamed of feeling like this and grateful for this site, where we can be honest about our troubled relationships with our narcissistic parents.
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Helenb, I understand your feelings about this. Whilst I totally support giving the vaccinaton to the elderly/those most at risk first, I too am concerned that some of these people may then feel they are armour plated against Covid, while the rest of us are still very much at risk. I worry that this might translate into them taking less care about possible virus transmission, with the result that those of us close to the elder care environment could easily become infected. This would also leave a huge gap amongst the people that do the work, with fewer people available to do key worker jobs. My approach to this is simple. I am not letting my guard down or changing my already extremely careful behaviour both before and after I get the jab, whenever that may be, and until low case rates make it safe to do so. The UK is so close now to being utterly overwhelmed by the new Covid variant, we are pinning our hopes on the vaccine doing its job, and I don't want to jeopardise this by putting myself or others at unnecssary risk. Hope this helps you to feel less guilty, and please do keep yourself safe.
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And today my mum has gone to her supported living try out. I have a mix of emotions. It is the end of an era of her living with us, and this makes me aware of our own mortality. I am very stressed and anxious, with the perfect storm of the difficulties of getting to this stage, plus covid, and the years of back history of mum's behaviour towards me. My husband tells me I now need to rest and spend the next few weeks trying to look after myself a little. He is probably right. I am very tearful, but not guilty.
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Chris; 3 words for you today: Post Traumatic Stress. I always fall apart AFTER the fact. When something is over with, not while it's going on. You know? Of course you're feeling gobsmacked with lots of emotions today, not least of which facing your own mortality, which is never fun. However you're feeling is okay and justified TO be feeling. You've earned it. Do something nice for just YOU today, whatever it may be. An ice cream, a bath, a good cry...........wrapping you in a hug and sending you warm wishes today.

helenb: The most 'relaxing' (HA!) time I've had with my mother over the past 6+ years she's been in managed care is now, with Covid, and the visits being short and limited to window visits once a week (at most, b/c weather is a factor now with the winter in Colorado). I don't feel guilty about saying that, either, b/c my mother is a PITA. She does everything she possibly can to irritate me and make me feel badly, so I dread our conversations and visits. It's HER fault, not MINE.

So.....The Vaccines are being given late this month into early March. That's the FIRST round. God knows if the second round will ever be rolled out, based on adverse reactions from the first round. So........if round 2 does come out, which they're now saying will be 'delayed', whatever that means, we're looking at summer before my mother is 'safe' from Covid, IF that ever even happens. So I have nothing to worry about till then! And, if and when the time comes that we can go back inside the Memory Care to visit her, I am imposing some STRICT RULES on those visits. They will mimic the window visits in that they will be short and weekly. PERIOD. Don't fix what isn't broken, is my advice.

The only way to deal with these women is to create very strict and very firm boundaries, as you know, and for YOU to NOT go back on your word with those boundaries!! No matter what. BTW, my husband is sort of the golden child with my mother, too..........she puts on the Happy Mask for him all the time. The reason is, he's the Outsider. And Outsiders never bear the brunt of the NMs hatefulness. He's my buffer and I LOVE that! I never go see my NM alone, she'd tear me limb from limb!
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Thanks Lea. I can relate to what you’re saying. If there’s a crisis I swing into leadership mode and cut through to what needs to be done. But you’re right in that it’s only afterwards that it hits you. I’m ok. It all feels surreal, but then life over the past 10-12 months has felt surreal anyway, and I think we are all overloaded right now with so much bad news. I often say in Autumn that I would like to hibernate until late March - that would have been especially good this Winter. But despite the awful weather - freezing fog, ice, snow - the days are getting longer again and we just have to get through the next few months and hope the vaccines have some effect. It’s best not to overthink things but that’s easier said than done. Thank you for your kindness.
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Helenb,
You seem worried that you and hubby will not be able to stick to you boundaries plan! Here is good news for you, if you & hubby break down and find yourselves letting mom slide or jump over your boundaries that is ok! Why? Because you will get another chance to try it again! It took me several times to keep my boundaries in check. If you find that you have been seeing mom more times then your original plan then review what you did and tell yourself "ok, I have seen mom three times this week. Now, I'll have to reset my boundaries again!" I have found that having a NM who knows no boundaries that I had to learn how to set boundaries and I had to practice it! If we make a mistake that's ok because we can try again! Hugs!!


Chriscat,
I bet you are having all kinds of mixed emotions and that is ok and normal! You do need to rest. Take some time for yourself and to sort out your emotions and how your life is changing and what you want your life to look like! It is ok to feel however you feel! Hugs!!


Thank you Lea for understanding! My NB worries me as well. I know if he could get his hands on me he would seriously hurt me! However, I know him and how he thinks, plus I am in way better shape then he is! He doesn't have the guts to shoot me so I am safe there! I always know what is going on around me...occupational hazard!!

I made a big decision today! As you know, I am planning to move out in less then a year (hopefully), however, if my mother should pass away while I am here, I am not going to tell my NB! I see no good coming from it. He hates my NM and I feel that it will just paint a bigger target on my back! My SO and I will clean out the house and sell it! Hopefully we can move without my NB ever finding out about it and put the house on the market! By time he sees the for sale sign we will be living somewhere else! I really hate that my NM made such a mess out of my NB life that it has created a nightmare for me:( Hugs! Hope you feel better today!
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I cannot due to suffering from PTSD if I spend more than a few hours with her. I have been the target of her abject abuse, lying and gaslighting since my earliest memories at 3 years of age.

Never allowed to have friends, her locking me out of the house in 2nd & 3rd grades when I came home from school, and being hit hard with a switch for no reason just scratches the surface of the terrible things she did to me.

I have sympathy for her emotional problems. It doesn’t merit feeling like I want to die or dying from a stress-induced illness as she lives on and on.

My strong boundary with my dad and brother is you get inpatient hospitalization for her as needed and brother shares 50% of caregiving. I’ll do the other 50%.

They are gaslighting and guilt tripping me to do this 100%. I was called today by my dad implying my mom was dying to get me to come. It was playacting. She wasn’t.

I’d urge anyone to throw in the towel if you have a really disordered parent (mine has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder) and you are the scapegoat. They live to destroy you is not hyperbole.
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Chris I'm glad the move is over. Your husband is right please take it easy and just let yourself settle. If you start to feel sad or any guilt feelings arise remember that your mom is still in your life, she's just not living in your home, and will get the professional support she needs.

How did your mom seem to take it? Did the staff give you any recommendations for visiting?
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Shell, your brother continues to creep me out. Burner phone? Hmmm. Yes you made the right decision yesterday. Cut him completely out of your life. He's restraining order material. You gotta wonder what motivated that burner call. I'd almost be tempted to file a police report. Not because they can or would do anything at this point, but to have a record. You could say, rightfully, that the call scared you because it involved personal info and the person wouldn't identify themselves, which is harassment. Might be something to consider.
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Shell, do you have a restraining order on him? I would stay clear of him. I am glad you are selling the house and moving. Do not leave a forwarding address and no trail what so ever. Life is way too short for having someone like this in your life. I would also do what another poster said report the incident to the police to have on file. You a a sweetheart and do not deserve any of this treatment. Hugs to you.
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Piper, I think my mum was accepting of it, certainly over the past couple of weeks. The place is now in lockdown so I can't visit, but mum knows one of the residents as she used to live in our village, so they should be company for each other. I'm hoping she will get a call up for the vaccine very soon - I will be able to take her to that. Although historically Covid rates have been much lower than the national average in our area, they have gone up dramatically in the last week, and this worries me.
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Early & Piper,
My NB is cut out of my life and has been now for almost 2.5 yrs; however, he was back into my life when I moved back home for a little over a year, but we got into a fight in the kitchen and my SO kicked him out of the house and I told NB to never come back! Before I moved back home he wasn't in my life for 9 yrs. I would love to get a PPO on him, but he has to be caught breaking the law, which is why we have the Ring on the front door and 4 other cameras around the house and we have motion lights!!

His motivation is he wants my dad's tools and whatever he can get his hands on to sell for drugs.

There was no point in calling the cops about a burner number because there is nothing they can do. They can't even trace it!!! Ugh

I am very good at disappearing! I have done it in the past, plus, my NB and his friends don't know how to use technology!! LOL Making it hard for him to track me down.

The bad part is that I tried telling my parents about my NB, but they NEVER believed me. My NM didn't care and my dad really didn't believe that his son hated his daughter!!

Trust me, if I catch my NB on tape breaking the law I will nail him as far as the law will allow me!!!!

Thank you both for your support! Hugs back💕💕
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Shell, it sounds like you have it under control, that's good. I'm glad you have the cameras too.

Chris- that is so good your mom has a friend at the care facility! That can make all the difference in terms of feelings of isolation. I hope things continue to go pretty well. I also hear you on this covid -- I am SO SO sick of it! My state's roll out has been a mess, so I'm likely looking at months. Sigh. But back to you, how are you feeling in these early days? I hope you are getting lots and lots of rest. I was thinking this would be a good time for you and DH to do some nesting, do you know what I mean? Do some home projects together, no matter how small, as a way of reclaiming your space. Not in a negative way, but a positive one.

My mom was here yesterday having pizza with us, and really surprised me saying that she was going to stop going to her pain doctor. She's been on opiates since 2016. I've posted about her addiction before. She's hidden her use from family & friends and lied about it, and it caused me worry, but I also knew she wasn't able to get enough to be dangerous, and I couldn't control it anyway. There was never a legit need for daily opiates, I've known for a few years now that she uses them to manage her mood.

So, her announcement yesterday was very surprising. I just said- well you have been on them for awhile, you can't just suddenly quit. Again she surprised me by saying- I know, I'm only taking a half in the morning and half at night now.

Then she said she wanted to call the medical marijuana doctor that the neurologist here recommended to her a couple years ago. So I think she is looking for a substitution. I personally don't have a problem with MM, especially since her neurologist was on board and she will be going through a legit doctor.

My concern is that getting off the opiates is not actually her choice, but she has been told she needs to come off, by the doctor. She had an MRI a couple weeks ago ordered by the pain doctor, and keeps telling me "they lost it". Well I know that's BS. I also know her other MRI's were clear. There is nothing wrong with her back. So I suspect when this recent MRI came back the same they started realizing she didn't need the opiates. Medically, they can't justify it anymore.

I hope this goes okay for her, because she's about to lose a major mood booster that she has relied on for years now. I'm feeling anxious about it. MM isn't going to give her the same effect. I don't have experience with opiates, but I really hope this pain doctor has her on a proper taper. To make things worse my mom has always lied about her use, minimizing it. She wouldn't let me near that pain clinic. If I see any distress, I'm thinking I will have to take her to the ER.

Hopefully I'm worrying for nothing and this goes okay -- but with my mom, you never know!
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Thanks Piper. I said I would phone my mother on Tuesday to see how things are going. I fully expect a load of complaints, but I'm ready for them. The fact is that there's nothing I can do while we are in lockdown, and everything is provided for her so she is fine where she is. She is not coming back here, and the next stop is a full blown care home if this place doesn't work for her. I'm getting some rest but obviously Covid being out of control here is causing some anxiety. You are so perceptive about the need for DH and I to reclaim our space. It will take time, but today we found an old recipe we fancied using for dinner, and enjoyed prepping things in our kitchen without the backdrop of someone fussing around in the background. I've always enjoyed cooking and baking, but for years it has been a chore rather than an enjoyable pastime, as I've hardly ever had the kitchen to myself. Small steps maybe, but moving forward nonetheless.
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Ah Chris, the cooking and prepping with DH without your mom's interference is exactly what I was thinking about -- it will be so nice as you reclaim your space. To start to enjoy things like cooking again. Yes, small steps. I think that's only normal after her being in your house for so long. But you are making the steps, YAY for you!

Of course she will complain when she calls, but that will be a whole lot different than complaining to your face in person and huffing around in your home. Hold the phone away from your ear and just throw in a few - Oh, well hopefully that gets better, and after you've heard enough "Oh, gotta go, my tubs about to overflow" or whatever you think of- you have so much more control now over your life, thankfully. And, you have the reassurance that she is safe and cared for where she is, she was not abandoned into the street, so it's fine for you to hang up, and visit on your terms.

If she still tries to be overbearing then there are jobs open where Lea and I work LOL.
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Piper, I hadn't thought of taking on the same "job" that you and Lea were such successful candidates for! But I'm sure I too could get a job like that if I need to!!
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EP ,

At the suggestion of my hubby and my therapist, I started taking Cymbalta 4 days ago.

It wasn't so much for depression, more for stress and anxiety.

I've never been one to take meds, but I agree that I needed a little help dealing with everything.

It's nothing to be ashamed of!!
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Xray,
We all need a little help every now and then. I take .25mg of Xanax to help with my anxiety and to sleep!

In truth, I am surprise we all are not alcoholics and dope heads by the damage of our NM.

You just take care of yourself in whatever why you need to.😊❤💜
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Shell,

Isn't that the truth!!

(((Hugs)))
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Jodi, good for you taking some Cymbalta. I took Paxil for 5 years & it was SO incredibly helpful for me with handling anxiety (mostly) that it literally saved my life.

EP........ugh to your mother getting off of opiates............there is more to THIS story than she is alluding to, as you said. Very few people make that decision voluntarily.........and your NM being a liar on a good day just makes this whole story highly suspect, esp with the probability of a clean MRI!!!!!!!!!! Just what you need.......a nasty NM with WITHDRAWAL who's even nastier and harder to deal with than ever. Substituting pot for pills is questionable.........esp for the elderly. Pot is legal here in Colo. so quite a while ago, I bought my NM some chocolate edibles to calm her chronic 'nerves' down. Well, the first couple of chocolates were good..........she seemed stoned but calm........confused (this was pre Memory Care) and slurring her words, more drunk than anything.........and she slept like a log which is unusual for her *chronic sleep problems*. Well, after the 2nd dose, the edibles were making her SO SO SO DIZZZZZZZZZZZZY and she was SO SO SO SICK to her stomach and wanting to throw up and yada yada. Pot and the elderly don't always get along. There's always the 'falling' hazard too, b/c it can make them a bit unsteady on their feet! Just wanted to give you a heads' up on my mother's less-than-fabulous experience with pot. But then again, she has less-than-fabulous experiences with EVERYTHING she puts into her mouth that is designed to help with pain/anxiety/sleep, etc.

Chris, practice using the non-committal phrases for when the NMs complain: Oh that's unfortunate. I'm sorry to hear it. I sure hope you feel better soon. I'm sorry to hear the food tastes like dog food *or pieces of sh*t on a plate, as my NM calls it* There's nothing you can do to FIX whatever the complaints are, unless they're legitimate complaints (which is another subject entirely) so just commiserate with her, which is what I do.

Shell, I have some .50 Xanax here myself that I cut in 1/2 when I'm extra anxious or can't sleep.

I did get a Tempur-Pedic Mattress Topper for my bed and WOW, what a huge difference it makes!!! I'm sleeping MUCH better and w/o most of the pain I was having, and waking up much more refreshed and not hunched over in agony!
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Lea, non committal phrases could be useful tomorrow when I pick mum up for her COVID jab - we got the call today so it’s great to see this being rolled out now. I’m expecting a catalogue of what is wrong with the supported living place but as it’s only a 10 minute drive to get the jab there’s a limit to how much complaining will be possible. I’m going to focus on the positives: what a momentous day, to be finally getting the jab after the last 10 months of hell, etc etc. I shall turn the focus onto the gratitude we should feel towards everyone who has worked on getting these vaccines developed, distributed and into people’s arms. If I could get the jab tomorrow I would take it and be full of thanks for it too.
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