Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
So, here's the thing. Something we all say to each other ALL the time.
You only have control over YOUR behavior, right?
What if you stopped driving your mom places, stopped cooking her meals, stopped calling her, stopped taking her calls?
Said "Nope, Mom, you play ball with me on the companion thing or your are not getting ANY companionship from me. Zero. Zilch".
Take a vacation. Go away for two weeks and leave your mom to her own devices. Go visit your brother. Or go to Punta Cana or someplace relaxing.
If your mother is so all-fired "independent" let her have at it.
Stop torturing yourself with trying to save her. Her happiness is NOT your responsibility.
I know. It sounds mean. So is your mom.
My brother is dealing with very serious cancer right now which is another thing I am trying to cope with, and my mother is even treating him bad, she is just beyond miserable and lashing out at everyone.
I finally had a meeting with an elder care attorney yesterday to find out what I need to do to get my mom into an ALF MC. I already have a DPoA for both financial and medical. Most of you know my mom was diagnosed with dementia in 2019.
The answer is I can not place her unless she is willing to go unless I go to court and get guardianship, which as we know is long and costly. The other way is for there to be a crisis and she ends up in the hospital, and it's determined she is not safe to live alone, and I refuse to be the caretaker.
So, the nice ALF I found that I was hoping I could place her in will not happen, because my mom is refusing ANY outside support, and will never agree to an ALF.
I'm at my wits end. In what world does it make more sense to have a CRISIS before placing people where they BELONG??
And if anyone is thinking it might be worth it to get guardianship just to save my sanity, well I spent some time asking the atty about that too. She asked a lot of questions about my mom - does she know her name? Yes. Can she hold a "normal" conversation for 10-15 mins? Yes. Basically asking if she can appear normal for short periods and I said yes because it's true. The atty's own mother had dementia so she totally understood the show timing and how that goes, and she told me my mom would probably win a competency hearing. She explained in Florida adults have the freedom to make bad decisions, bad choices.
I'm stuck until there is a crisis.
There are many professionals and others who speak about narcissistic behavior. Hearing about narcissistic behavior from H. G. Tudor is getting it straight from the horse’s mouth! He has been diagnosed as a narcissist and psychopath.
The interviewer’s questions were brilliantly answered. For instance, he was asked, “How does a person crush a narcissist?” He simply answered, “You can’t crush a narcissist with any specific action because we are designed to manipulate, ruin or destroy everything and everyone. Nothing effects our behavior because we have no empathy or remorse. We sometimes fake empathy or remorse but we don’t mean it. We only do it to manipulate others. The only way to win the war with a narcissist is to NOT fight the battle. Don’t just walk away either, don’t fuel the narcissist with anything at all. Don’t feed him/her on social media. Don’t talk publicly about us. Don’t get upset because that is what we want and need as fuel. If you ignore us completely, we decide to retreat. It isn’t because you want us to retreat. It is because we aren’t being given fuel. We control everything. Even if we choose to help an old lady across the street, we don’t care about the old lady. We are looking to impress our girlfriend or someone else. It’s about our ego.”
So, don’t ever feel that a narcissist doesn’t realize what he/she isn’t doing. Oh, they know! I was captivated with this interview. He even said that he knew that he was set apart from others from the time he was a young child. Very interesting man, indeed!
Everything we go through, He has gone through so He understands.
This is how I sum up being a live in care giver for a narcissist mother: I have been a caregiver for almost seven years and it is the most challenging, unrewarding, abusive experience I have ever endured.
On the other hand, it is because of these experiences that it has driven me every closer unto my Beloved Poppa, Jehovah, my best friend, Jesus and my most amazing Mentor, The Holy Spirit.
For that I am grateful.
Joseph a son of Jehovah
I realized long ago my mother is just a mean old woman who's getting meaner by the day with her dementia. I've quit expecting or hoping for anything from her anymore, and life has gotten a bit easier. She never was or will be my friend or confidante and it is what it is. I do as little as possible for her so I don't get bitten by her sharp tongue and teeth. I've wised up some in my old age. She lives in Memory Care Assisted Living and pays others to put up with her nonsense. Works out well.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with YOUR life and away from the toxic abuse she's handing out.
Sometimes we need to step back and really evaluate how we are being treated by others espicially our loved ones and do something about it . I am so sorry the way you were treated by a mother that should have been loving and kind to you. It is ok to back off and think of yourself.
I would suggest getting into counceling to help you work through all the trauma of your childhood up to the present if your haven't already. You can still be there for your mother, but not so much hands on.
I wish for you a calm and peaceful life. Please try to be good to yourself by distancing yourself from your mother.I know you want her love but she continues to abuse you emotionally and you deserve betther. Take good care of yourself and keep us posted.
I was reading your post and I found it so sad. You are an amazing and a strong woman. I do not think I could do what I do for my mother for 22 years if I was treated poorly. Lots of caregivers on this site had not so great childhoods but with great strength, courage and kindness they rise above it and help their loved ones. Amazing human beings for sure!
I think that I am trying to get the love that I haven't got yet.
As a child, my mother despised and regularly beat me.
As an adult, my mother constantly verbally & emotionally beats me, daily.
As her primary caregiver, my mother mistrusts, hates & still cruelly abuses me.
My mother does occasionally state "I love you ... you are so good to me".
I am hoping that someday, I might actually feel that she means it.
Right now, She tells me that so I will do something 'extra' for her. It is always something that she knows that I don't want to do: but end up doing it.
So, yup.. I do it for love... not to show her love; but to get any possible REAL long withheld love.
I just keep trying, needing and wanting to be loved by my mother. I don't want her to keep hating and despising me.
It is rich!! It's also not the first time! Lol
I think because her birthday is next week, she wasn't expecting anything other than a "Thank you ". I refuse to say it!
It's just goes to show how twisted the mind of a narcissists can be.
Had to drive her(1 1/2 hours one way) to see the Orthopedic Dr today.
He told her that her right knee was bad enough for a knee replacement, however, because of some of her meds, it's very risky. So he injected both knees with Cortisone. I'm praying this helps!!! None of the skilled nursing facilities here are accepting new patients, because they don't have enough workers. There is no way in Hell that she can come here to recoup!!!
I would have to give my hubby and myself tranquilizers. Lol
Called NM this afternoon to shore up what time I will pick her up for her Dr appointment tomorrow.
30 minutes to pick her up, 45 minutes to the Dr, perhaps an hour at the Dr, 45 minutes back to her place and 30 minutes back home.
Half of my day, when I have more company coming in 2 days.
When I called her today, she was angry at me because I didn't tell her Happy Father's Day!
She feels that she has been both mother and father!
My Dad(God rest his soul), was always there. She had poisoned my opinion of him so much that I didn't want to have anything to do with him until I was much older.
Seriously????
It's all about her!!! Lol
On what planet?? Lol
Piper, so happy to hear things went well with your son! I had no doubt you'd pull off a fabulous event 😁 Sorry to hear about your brother's bad news. Lots of strides these days with cancer treatments though, so have faith. A good friend of ours was at deaths door 2x with lymphoma and is in full remission now after a bone marrow transplant. No cancer at all has been found on his last few PET scans, just like my ex...5 years cancer free after stage 4 colon cancer dx in 2016. Don't lose hope. Many miracles DO happen.
Your NM has to own her opiate addiction which truly sucks bc that's a horrible thing for a person who's horrible to begin with. You're right to insist she see a local surgeon ffs. Imagine an elder with dementia even considering such a thing? Mind blowing.
My mother has taken a big downhill turn the past month. She's nearly incoherent a lot of the time now, unable to use the phone for the most part, has fallen 2x more lately, and just awful in general. Having trouble breathing, she says, so using oxygen more than just while sleeping. I still think the CHF is amping up but idk. Sad situation all the way around. Shes calling my dd by the wrong name and thinks she had the great grandchild, not my son's wife. She also calls him by the wrong name now. It's terrible to witness such a dramatic decline in one's own mother. Such a level of confusion where answering the phone is nearly impossible is unreal. Yesterday she got her wheelchair stuck in the bathroom for an hour before she thought to pull the string to summon a CG for help!
Dh is undergoing a ton of tests. He's got a parasite from working in the soil and water for 20 years...so that has to be treated. 😮 The next big test of concern is coming up in July...a stress echo cardiogram which can nix the whole liver transplant deal if it comes back bad. He's nervous about it, poor thing. I don't know how he stays so positive with all this hanging over his head. He told me he wants to go to Tx and Mo to see his kids in case he doesn't live thru the transplant, IF he even gets it. What a thing to have on our minds, esp with him being only 63.
Where has everyone been? Aoi? Shell? Everyone else? Not many checking in anymore which is sad. I'm not great at doing so myself these days, a lot going on. Hope everyone is ok. Sending hugs to all.
OF COURSE my NM got angry several times since she wasn't getting enough attention. For example she told me multiple times that my son could use her car, in fact she offered! So he took it to the gym when the others were using our car, and NM calls me up and gave me so much grief because he didn't ask HER first. So I said well next time I will tell him to ask first, and she hung up on me! Oh, there were multiple other pouting incidents and I wanted to go off, but I just kept ignoring it. Then she wonders why everyone hung at our place. My son did go out of his way to spend some time with her, but of course it wasn't enough. I could go on, but I won't, she was still the same HUGE PIA.
Then yesterday after everyone left, 15 mins later she's calling me wanting to tell me she wants to look into back surgery and her pain doctor gave a referral that is 90 mins away, one way. I dodged that and said I was tired- talk to you later.
My mom has had multiple scans and MRI's and there is NOTHING in her back that warrants surgery, or even these opiates! Years of refusing any kind of physical therapy (including to this day) has not helped things I'm sure, but I also know the main reason for this is her opiate addiction. She won't come clean with me but I have a feeling the pain doctor is starting to push her to get off these pills. Just another mess with her coming my way. But no way am I taking her 90 mins away to discuss back surgery, she'll have to go around here, which there are plenty-- this whole thing is messed up. If she keeps pushing for this, I'm going to tell her that if she gets surgery then she will be released to rehab because I'm not doing anything in terms of aftercare or rehab.
Then this morning I got more bad news about my brother- his cancer has metastasized, he has lymph node involvement. I'm still trying to process this all, but it's going to be a tough road for him. His optimism is fading fast, and when I talked to him earlier he was really down and said he was just trying to process everything. I didn't even mention NM at all. I don't know how much he will decide to tell her, but my guess is not much.
I guess I was mistaken to think that my brother came here to visit our Mother.
The last week consisted of me making sure everyone was fed in the morning and then my brother and crew would take off, leaving me alone with NM all day. Then making sure everyone was fed dinner.
The zingers from my NM started from the moment she walked in my front door to the moment I took her back to AFL this morning!
Too many to recount them all.
I am emotionally exhausted!!
The energy it takes to bite your tongue and hold back your feelings is draining.
Piper,
Praying for your brother!!!
Thinking of you ALL!!
We are all in this together and I feel blessed to have you all as a sounding board!!
You're ALL amazing!!😘
Now that Moms AFL and my Aunts MC have started allowing them to leave the facilities all Hell has broken loose!!!
I am now taking my NM to all of her Dr appointments ( 3 in the last week and more to come).
My Aunt has multiple issues and I have hired her friend who is an Uber driver to take her to and from all of her appointments. He's been an absolute blessing and my hero!!
Piles of forms and phone calls!!
(Dare I say it?? I'm starting to miss quarantine!!)
Tons of company coming!
My brother and his wife will be here on Saturday and bringing a couple of friends with them.
NM insists on coming to stay with us so she can spend time with my brother too. I don't have the energy to fight with her.
I have made it clear to her that they are not gonna want to sit around and watch TV!
Her response was "Well they won't have to sit with us!" US??
I swear if she complains about the shower mat hurting her feet or that my bath towels are too big, I am gonna loose my sh*+!!
I hope you're all doing well!!
I have a lot of catching up to do!!😘
As the tests are being done on DH, we'll have a better idea if he's a good candidate for the transplant. They're saying they'd like to see his ejection fracture raised, which is nearly impossible to actually ACCOMPLISH, so IDK. If the Mayo Clinic is going to use that for criteria, he will fail. They also do not like that he had the triple bypass, but his cardiologist has cleared him on our end. Again, not important to the Mayo Clinic. He will have to fly down there once the tests are completed to be evaluated by THEM for a final decision. Like DH said, we have 3 young men here to actually DO the move for my mother, when the time comes, so DH himself would not have to be involved at all if he were recuperating or whatever. So for now, we'll put the SNF move off. Part of me thinks we should do it asap, the other part wants to put it OFF as long as possible due to the fallout that WILL occur. If she thinks she's so 'miserable' now, just wait........she ain't seen nuthin' yet methinks. She has SO MUCH personal attention from a large staff caring for 20 residents and still she's 'miserable' and in a horrid mood 90% of the time. Right now I just want to focus on DH and getting him from point A to point B.
It again amazes me just HOW much heartache and trouble and stress ONE person can cause. Right Piper? :(
Piper, glad you had a longer break from NM than you were expecting. She was probably worn out, like you said, rather than taking YOUR health into consideration. That's laughable, really. The only time my NM is ever happy is when I tell her I'm not feeling well. Truly. I often tell her that JUST so she'll lighten up and sound happy. Nothing like having your mother thrilled to hear you're sick, huh?
Maybe your mom will like having a room mate more than you think? Do you have any say in who the other person will be? She's been solo since your dad died right? It's *possible* it could work out. Like if she can't figure out the remote maybe the other person would know what to do, or they could just babble nonsense to each other all day, complain together, make fun of the staff together....
Lea imagine if it did work, that could really take some pressure off you. Like you mentioned earlier it is SO much pressure to be the ONLY one dealing with a needy difficult elder. But if she doesn't like it-- too bad. She doesn't like anywhere so not much would really be changing in terms of her happiness.
It will interesting to see how your mom does with the change. Truly. Maybe she will be on "best behavior" mode to impress the room mate?
No matter what happens, the move needs to happen, and the best time for that to happen given your life is before DH's trip imo.
So, I ended up not seeing my mom yesterday either. She did not put any pressure on me so I just didn't initiate anything. She needs a med refill so I offered to do that for her today, and she then asked us to come over later for dinner and I said okay. So... I can only guess that she was worn out and sick of people herself the last few days. I can't think of any other reason for this subtle shift. Put it this way, I know it's not because she suddenly had an epiphany and was thinking about my well-being. It must be that she was worn out.
Chris- omg your SIL, her fake speeches and the HAT! What a piece of work they are, and you are so right- you reap what you sow. In the end they have been exposed for the vile creatures they are while your DH did the right things and had proper closure along with the respect of others.
I'm glad it's past you now.
In other news, I finally got my hair cut. I can still notice the hair loss but it looks better. I'm trying to feel positive about the upcoming wedding and really hoping it's a fun time for all. I miss my son so much and can't wait to see him. So I've been planning for things. Taxi's, the wedding cake, and figuring out the after-party. I'm trying to shift from my usual anxiety ridden worrying what's going to go wrong mode to relax and have fun for once mode. I'm telling you guys I have never had to do this kind of mental work before just to chill out! But each time I talk to the people coming, especially the bride as we plan things I feel that old happy person inside me and I want to have fun times again.
Right now I'm stressing out big time over whether to get NM into the SNF before the liver transplant or afterwards. Since we don't have a green light that we're moving forward with the surgery, I'm waiting. I know she will be MORE miserable with a roommate than she is now w/o one, but I think she will be happier in the SNF b/c it's bigger and has more activities and not 'only' dementia residents living there. She's running out of $$$ so it needs to happen, and I figure we have until January (her 95th birthday) before it's crucial she be moved. I just don't want to be in AZ and have to be faced with moving her, obviously.........so if it seems like we'll get the green light to go in Sept, I may need to get her moved in August. IDK.......it's a big burden on my mind right now. What do you think?