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Chris, 'funny' but my NM used to do the EXACT same thing with the fresh fruit when she lived in the regular ALF...........she'd put a whole load of it into her walker bin to bring up to her fridge and then never wind up eating it! There would be rotten bananas up there and mushy oranges, etc, but she'd just keep bringing in more and MORE every day to make sure she had 'enough' even if others wouldn't have any themselves! Selfish much? It's all part of what makes them narcs.

Disgusting the show your SIL and BIL put on for your dear MILs funeral/wake. Along with wearing a big show-off hat, nice and tasteless, but what else could be expected? I'm glad her friends & relatives were tracked down & invited to go; too bad they didn't capture the look on the in-law's faces when they arrived in a PHOTO!

Piper, the theme of my NMs misery this week is wanting to live in HER OWN HOME. What do I say when she's off on a rant? That obviously she's in no shape to live independently anywhere, with all the falls, the wheelchair situation, and the fact that she requires help with everything she does, all of which she disputes. It's a waste of energy is what it is, in reality. Her goal is to 'go home' which means to get OUT of there and to move in with me or with one of the 'family members' or whatever. To make her chronic misery known, in other words, and to lay a guilt trip on me and let me know how SAD she is, etc. This has been an ongoing theme for quite a while now, and the ED was talking to me about it as well. NM has pity parties for herself with anyone who will listen. Fact is, she will be miserable wherever she lives; she is lamenting her AGE and her CONDITION is what she's doing, I think, more than anything else b/c she's been in managed care since 2014. If she moved in with a 'family member' or whatever, nothing would change: she'd still be 'bored' but even more so, she'd still be in a wheelchair, still in pain, still requiring help 24/7, etc. THAT is the issue she's miserable about, imo, which cannot be changed. What she will not realize or address is the fact that when she alienates us with all this complaining and guilt-tripping, then nobody wants to deal with her, period.

Now she's angry with me, once again, and not speaking to me which is fine and dandy with me. I am not picking up the phone anymore to deal with the carrying on that ensues.........she can call ME and leave a voice mail, then I'll decide if I want to return the call. No she did not get hurt in the fall on Saturday night.
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Piper, sorry you are feeling the pressure to see your mum. It is no use me saying it's self inflicted as I used to feel the same guilt and pressure. I did mention to mum about making sure there was enough fruit for others, but she just laughed - she has no concept of thinking of or empathising with others. The housekeeper had apparently noticed that the fruit had started to disappear more quickly than it used to, but that didn't stop my mother taking it " just in case". She has made "friends" with the other residents, but of course this will always be on my mother's terms. Regarding my MIL's funeral, we didn't go as my DH was adamant he would not sit through a fabricated account of his mother's life, given by SIL. None of my MIL's cousins nor her oldest friend were invited to the funeral, but my DH tracked them down and invited them to go in our place. They phoned DH afterwards with an account of the funeral. BIL and SIL's faces were an absolute picture when the uninvited friends and relatives walked in. The only other attendees were the pitchfork-wielding village yokels SIL had invited to chase us off the premises and out of town! SIL did indeed give her "tribute" at the service and for good measure gave it all again at the funeral wake afterwards, much to the boredom of everyone present. They were most surprised we didn't turn up and kept glancing guiltily over their shoulders the whole time in case we walked in. My BIL said nothing to anyone the whole time and just sat on his own, refusing to engage with anyone, revealing his complete inadequacy. SIL was wearing a huge hat - most inappropriate for a funeral but clearly designed for her to be the centre of attention. What a pantomime! We had a good laugh about it with friends and family when they told us afterwards. As far as the missing money, jewellery and other valuables are concerned, the solicitor is on the case and has asked them to account for it. She will be making them squirm. DH is ok. He knows he made the right decision and his MIL's other family and friends have been so supportive (as well as revealing more instances of BIL/SIL bad behaviour over the years that we knew nothing about). It's been good for my DH as the bonds with these people have really been strengthened, and that will really help them all, moving forward. Meanwhile, BIL and SIL will be sitting alone amongst the wreckage of their behaviour and toxic marriage. It really is a case of reaping what you sow.
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Lea what do you say to your mom when she goes on about how she should be living "at home"? 20 mins is a long time to endure that nonsense. I take it she did not get hurt on her 73rd fall? Imagine trying to deal with those falls in your home?

Well I didn't see my mom yesterday either. I never got around to asking her if she wanted to go to lunch and we didn't go either. It was my DH who didn't want to go, which is rare, so I went along with it. He has more patience with my mom than I do so if he isn't feeling it, we aren't doing it. Besides I've said this before but I can't stand being alone with my mom, that is when she will really act out on me. I sent over some strawberries that DH dropped off and again she seemed fine. So now today- I AM feeling the pressure to see her so I will initiate something, probably have her over here to eat. That seems to be the go-to. There isn't much else we can do.

Chris, I'm glad things are better now that your mom doesn't live with you. I can not wait to have some distance and for my mom to be in care! Did you say anything about her taking the extra food? It could go bad and there is no reason if she can get it daily. Is she making friends there?
The main thing, is as you say- is if you don't like what she is doing you can walk away!

BTW- has the drama with your BIL & SIL died down? Are you and DH starting to put it behind you?
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Went over to see my mother yesterday for a couple of hours. I have to say we get on better now she’s not living with us. I caught a glimpse of that old selfishness though. She always used to buy loads of fruit when she was with us, and get through her ‘5 a day’ as recommended by the government health bunch. I noticed yesterday that her fridge was full of oranges and apples, with bananas and apples on a table to eat later. This is on top of the 3 full meals a day provided where she lives. I assumed she’d picked it all up on her daily shopping trips, which is what she used to do. But no - the place where she lives puts out a big bowl of fresh fruit each day for the residents to help themselves to. There are six residents, but my mother has clearly been helping herself to most of it, and I’m not sure if she’s left enough for everyone else. Since it’s a daily replenishment she doesn’t need to take so much, but it’s just typical of my mother to make sure she doesn’t run out, even if it means that others do. I don’t think this is about hoarding, I just think it’s about pure selfishness. Now I’m on the outside looking in, I can see that her selfishness was a big part of the problems of her living with us. The good thing is that it no longer impacts me directly and I can walk away.
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Piper, no worries. I figured you would re-think things.........our NMs are pretty much all alike with regard to telling them our business. NO CAN DO! LOL. Good luck today taking yours to lunch. Hope it will be bearable & she'll be in a decent mood. That's what I hope for when we go to visit mine. I miss the days of the beach and the boardwalk........living in Colorado there's none of that, but we do have the mountains.

So last night when I called NM, she went on a tirade for 20 minutes about how 'wrong' it is that she isn't living in her 'own home' and she 'doesn't belong' living in AL; she BELONGS in her Own Home. Never mind the fact that she doesn't OWN a home, that she's in a wheelchair 24/7, that she's incontinent, has more issues than Newsweek that the AL can't even really keep up with, and has fallen 72x. She kept up and up and UP with that line of angry-speak until I finally had to wish her a good night and end the 'conversation' as there is NO getting thru to folks with dementia. Not ONE HOUR later, my cell phone rings with a call from the nurse at the MC: NM fell out of her wheelchair AGAIN; leaning forward trying to PICK something up off the floor! This makes 73x falls now. But yeah, hey, you're right ma, you should be 'living in your own home', makes perfect sense to me! No injury, of course. And the band played on. And on.
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Lea, now that I think about it, you are right not to say anything to your mom until right before you leave. I don't know what I was thinking, I only tell my mother things when I have to also. Otherwise she will find a way to put the attention back on herself immediately which always feels like a slap in the face. I'm also glad you are pulling back on visits so you and DH can get some rest.

I didn't see my mom yesterday at all. She called to borrow something and DH took it over to her since I was busy. He said she seemed okay and I figure she's had a lot of socialization lately so I stayed away. I'm going to invite her to go along with us for lunch today. It's a very short walk away and I want to see how she handles it. I'm talking less than five minutes on a flat boardwalk.

Does anyone have plans for Memorial Day? I hope everyone is doing okay.
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Thanks Piper; I am using my own tricks to stay in the moment which is all I can really do. I have NOT told my mother a peep about anything. In fact, she has no clue DH even had the cancerous tumor. What for? So she can drive me even crazier than normal? She will be told nothing until the last possible moment; if we do go to the Mayo Clinic, she'll be informed the day before we leave. She has no memory to begin with, and if she did remember the details, she'd be calling and hounding me to death and making it all about her and how upset SHE is and blah blah. As usual. Every time I've told her anything about DHs health issues, I've lived to regret it. So not this time. She's been in a horribly foul mood lately anyway and we've had little contact, which is for the best. We are NOT going over there tomorrow b/c we need a break from the Sunday visits. I will tell her we
are babysitting one of the grandchildren. DH has a whole week of tests lined up starting on Monday or Tuesday, so he needs rest. DH is handling things like a trooper....as always. He has THE best attitude of any human being I've ever met, which makes things much easier for all of us.

I think you are wise to wait 3 weeks to talk to your NM yourself. Why create another sh*t storm before the wedding? We have to figure out what works for US with these women, not what works for THEM!
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Lea, I'm glad the tests were both done and there is nothing to worry about there. But as you say, this is going to be a long road from here to transplant. Have you told your mom, so she can plan to expect less from you as you have other things you need to deal with and testing for DH? How is your DH handling all of this?

I know the anxiety of worrying about the future and all the different possible outcomes, and I imagine you are pretty overwhelmed. Talk to yourself like you would talk to one of us on the board. Remember your tricks for staying in the moment, and also keep in mind that it's possible that things will go smoothly and fairly quickly, and that DH will be cured with the new liver before Thanksgiving. Your DH is a tough cookie and there is reason to feel optimistic that things are going to be fine.

It's the compounded stress that can really derail you. That's why I say to put a big boundary in place with your mother now and just tell her you can not be there as much, period. She is not the priority. YOU are, and your DH.

Mine came back yesterday and came down for dinner. She seemed happy (relieved?) to be back, but made sure to tell me what a great time it was, and how much my sister did for her! What she didn't know is I was in close touch with my sister during this whole trip, because I was concerned about my brother, so I knew what was going on and my mom was a complete PIA driving my sister crazy to the point my sister snapped a few times. If I wouldn't have been feeling anxious and full of dread and not wanting to get into anything right then, a part of me wanted to say-- Oh really? Yeah I thought her idea about you hiring an aid was a good and necessary idea too!, And she made a good point about a nursing home being a possibility too!... But I didn't say anything. I plan to have that talk after my son and wedding crew leave. It's too risky to make her angry before hand, I know how vindictive she can be so the talk will wait another 3 weeks. I just found it so typical of her. Always ready to pull a guilt trip. Another thing she doesn't realize is those games don't make me feel guilty anymore, they just make me angry and more distant.
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Lea: Glad that your hubby's colonoscopy and endoscopy were able to be done. That stuff is gross to drink for a colonoscopy. I understand his reluctance, but it's necessary of course. For my last colonoscopy I drank the last bottle whilst only half awake. Too disgusting to be fully coherent.
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Yes Piper, they did both the colonoscopy and endoscopy and we're back home at 10am. DH has some small varices in his esophagus from the cirrhosis but the heart meds he takes will keep them small and non problematic. Colonoscopy was clear. Next week is full of tests too. The Heptologist did the tests and said the Mayo Clinic is like being swept up on a river...you are on THEIR ride and doing as they say. One of her patients wound up in Az for 3 months and they decided to send him to the Mayo Clinic in Mn at the last minute for the transplant where he spent another 3 months. God give me strength. Plus, once DHs tests are complete, he'll have to go there in person (to Arizona) for THEIR testing and clearance. So we have a long road ahead to even know if the transplant will be an option.
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Lea I also hope they can do the colonoscopy! Was he going clear when he stopped with the lax? He got an early appointment so hopefully you aren't there all day.
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Thanks Piper you are right. Sitting here at Kaiser now....got here 40 min early for DHs colonoscopy and endoscopy (for no good reason) at 6:55 am and he only drank HALF the lax bc he couldn't handle it. 😣 Who does that?? If they can't do the colonoscopy as a result, I'm gonna be pissed off big time! 🤐🤐
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Lea it's good to know that there are plenty of livers available. Please keep us posted on DH's testing. I'm praying he will be approved as soon as possible.

You are right, if DH gets approved you will be going for however long it's going to take. Your mom will deal one way or the other. It really sucks how these narcs suck the life out of us for so long that when some OTHER issue of importance comes up we're already spread so thin it gets really overwhelming. That's how it's been for me anyway, and I think you are spread pretty thin right now too.

I know this is easier said than done but try to focus on as much self care as you can right now. You know best what calms you, so try to practice those things daily.
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Riverdale, there are plenty of livers available; suitable donors are not a problem. If DH is approved for the transplant, we're going to AZ (or wherever we have to go) and that's that; however long it takes, it takes. My mother is in managed care & I'll just have to rest assured that she's being cared for where she's at and that my 2 kids will take care of everything while I'm gone, like Piper said. We have to do what WE have to do while our mother's are alive or not; at least they're not living with US and are cared for, one way or another! You have enough on your plate as it is with the jaw surgeries.

Thanks for your well wishes, I appreciate it.
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Lea. Sorry to hearyour latest update with your husband. I know how hard it is to deal with our health and surgeries as a parent slides down the ladder of health. I have several surgeries such as rotator cuff that I am not even considering until after my son's wedding next year and I am through with my jaw. Even then I wonder how can I do some of them while my mother is still alive. I will hope the testing proves to be helpful and a suitable donor is found if that is what is determined to be needed for your husband
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Lea: You're very welcome. I am sorry that you had bad dreams. That's tough. Continued prayers.
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Thank you for the prayers Llamalover, I can sure use them.
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Piper, no new growth; they just didn't get ALL of the tumor with the first ablation, meaning it will continue to grow & need to go. Plus, with cirrhosis, the tumors are likely to continue to grow as the liver is diseased; it's a losing battle. Transplant is really the only 'answer' for DH. He seems to be a good candidate but only the full spectrum of testing will tell the story. Next week he has 4 days of tests scheduled.

I'm feeling stressed out, frankly. Had some bad dreams last night which were stress related. We are getting out and doing things, DH & I, yes. I am grateful to have my grandsons to keep my mind occupied, that's true. You are right in that the MC will deal with my mother, but that doesn't mean I won't have to get new POAs drawn up for my DD to intervene for me on NMs part should something happen while I'm gone. Just more details to think about and get straightened out. Remember: we COULD be gone for up to 5 months if complications arise with the transplant IF he gets approved.

Too bad your NM is coming back tomorrow. I am sure she will give you all sorts of hell about moving into an AL, why wouldn't she? There's 'nothing wrong with her' AND 'she's not old' either, plus, she's 'fine where she is', even though it's all at YOUR EXPENSE 100%. Women like this NEVER give a rat's arse who they're putting out or driving to the brink of insanity with their nonsense, because again, THEY are FINE and WONDERFUL and NORMAL, it's the REST OF THE WORLD that's INSANE. That right there is the issue, 100%, and there is no getting through to them as a result. It will likely take a meteorite to move your NM out of her comfy cozy condo unless you and your sister devise a plan to force her out. Remember: you two are smarter and sharper than SHE is. Period. Wishing you luck on that, fingers crossed.

So glad to know your brother is being released today, thank God. Continued healing is what I am praying for.
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Lea, you and DH have been through A LOT. I'm so sorry the ablation didn't get everything. Has there been new growth or are they seeing something missed? I'm wondering if the next ablation in a few months might be more precise and get it all? Keep us posted on his testing for the transplant. IF he has to go that route keep in mind how well he did after his heart surgery, and iirc didn't the doctor tell you he would be a good candidate for a transplant if necessary?

How are you holding up? Are you able to get out and enjoy some things with DH? I'm glad you are enjoying your grandchild, and even NM seemed happy! That is a pleasant surprise. Also IF you and DH need to be away in Arizona for awhile then the staff will deal with your mom. You can still be reached by phone. Here is the thing, if you are unavailable, then you are unavailable, period. The truth is any one of us could become unavailable at any time if there was a health crisis, but the world would keep on spinning. So if you need to be in Arizona then NM's world will still keep spinning and be there when you get back.

Mine is coming back tomorrow afternoon. My sister has told me twice now we need to talk when she can do so privately. I'm thankful she is more on board, but I know my mother (as does she) and my mom is not going to willingly go to an ALF no matter how much we talk it up. Part of the problem (and I could KICK myself for this) is I moved her to a really nice condo. There is no ALF apartment that will compare. She's not going to want to take a step down (as she will see it) just to socialize with "old people" she doesn't want to be around.
In other words, she is going to be a nightmare no matter how much sense it makes.

I appreciate the support concerning my brother. By last eve his pain was manageable and he is going home today. He will have home health support for the catheter.
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Lea: Big prayers for your DH. I know that you ARE exhausted. I hope that you can get some rest when you're able. 💚
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Piper: I am sorry to hear of your brother's pain. I do hope that he was able to get some rest. Also I am glad to hear that you have support from your sister in regard to how difficult your mother continues to be. Stay the course.
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Piper, sorry to hear about your brother's pain. I hope things improve quickly.
Glad you have your sister whose now understanding your NM a bit better. I think a regular ALF is her best bet, with MC also available when the time comes. She'd fight MC tooth and nail bc she's not that far gone yet. An ALF can be presented way differently and with her big ego at play, she may eat it up. Anyway, just a word from someone with an NM in MC now and who still says she belongs back in her old apt in the regular ALF bc there's nothing wrong with her. Eyeroll. Good luck with it all and her coming back on Friday

DH is being tested for a liver transplant right now which, if approved, can happen as early as Sept at the Mayo clinic in Arizona. We'd have to stay 6 weeks! Kaiser pays for airfare and hotel, we pay for transportation and food. The tumor ablation was not 100% successful and will have to be repeated again in a few months, and again when other tumors grow on his cirrhotic liver (non alcoholic cirrhosis is what he has). I feel exhausted after dealing with one issue after another with him since July 4 2019 (emergency pacemaker) and now this. Then there's the issue of my mother and what happens if she gets sick and how do I pay her rent during our stay in Az which could be up to 5 MONTHS if complications arise. Just a lot to think about. Plus I feel badly for DH who's been thru too much himself lately. God help us.

We took the great grandchild to meet NM on Sunday and she seemed happy, which was a change of pace. Something positive, thankfully.
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Piper, good to hear from you. Hope your brother is ok and gets the pain relief he needs. It’s good that your sister is now more on board with you and your mother’s issues. I feel from what you say that although it will be difficult, you will make things happen, now you have more support. Keep focused on what needs to happen, regardless of tantrums, emotional blackmail or any other manipulation.
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Hey ladies. I haven't been up for posting much, but wanted to update here.

My brother had his cancer surgery yesterday. Unfortunately he is having a lot of bladder spasms and is in a lot of pain. This morning they increased the dose of his meds and he was finally able to better rest with pain going from 10 to 4. The plan was for him to be released home today with the catheter (for 2 weeks) but that has changed and he is not getting discharged today. I'm waiting to hear from his wife. Frustrating I don't have any hippaa rights here because I would have been demanding the doctor be called last night to adjust his pain control which wasn't working.

Meanwhile my mother and sister are there in a hotel. My mom has been a massive PIA for my sister and my sister is getting a real eye opening experience of my mother's decline. They have not been able to see my brother in the hospital at all due to the covid rules. (meanwhile mom and sister are fully vaccinated and my brother and his wife are not).... my mom and sister are scheduled to fly back to Texas tomorrow and won't be changing flights as they have already spent a lot of money.

I imagine my mom will be coming back here - likely Friday. During downtime my sister and I discussed my mom and my sister said she's been having some serious conversations with her- for one that if she didn't change her "lifestyle" she was going to end up in a nursing home. My sister was talking about my mom's refusal to do any kind of PT. I pointed out what she (my mom) needs is an ALF MC where she will have activities and a staff to deal with her dementia and she can't just change her "lifestyle"... my sister agrees. I also told her my mom could start with some hired help, but if she refuses then I will refuse to deal with her. I can't and won't take on multiple roles for my mom filling all her voids.

Basically I've made it clear to my sister that I am BURNED out and won't do more. She agrees with me- and said she will start talking to my mom about these issues. Feels good to have an ally on getting my mom OUT of here and into ALF where she belongs. Unfortunately we also both acknowledged my mom will be difficult like she always is, so this will not be easy.

Thanks for listening and letting me vent.
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Jodi: Great profile pic!💙
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Jodi, you have given me a great start to Monday morning! Wanting to return your mother to her “lair” was so, so funny! And I love that your dog is called Norman! Such a human, serious, grown up name! I’m so glad you had a good party. We all need a lift like that at the moment I think, and that’s before you factor in NMs.

Today we have a really significant relaxation of lockdown rules. Indoor eateries can open for the first time since Christmas, and we can visit people in their homes, albeit with some restrictions. Outdoor eating has been allowed for the past month or so but as it’s been the coldest Spring here for decades that’s been a challenge too. Seemingly we are in a good place, and there are very few cases where we live, but the Indian COVID variant has started to pick up in the north of England, so our vaccination programme is ramping up further to try and suppress it. We are going to try and make the most of this freedom while it lasts, carefully and safely, as this thing isn’t over yet by any means. We all need some interaction with our friends and family, so I guess we need to find a compromise between safety and mental well being.
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My new profile pic is from Mother's Day.
Mom wanted me to bring Norman (my dog).
And yes, it's the same dog as my previous profile pic. He's just had his spring hair cut! Lol
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This last week has been a ball buster!! So I'm playing catch up again!
Picked up NM from ALF early Monday morning for her Dr's appointment. Everything went well.
Although I truly just wanted to get her back to her lair ASAP, I took her to breakfast.
She almost seemed happy!!
Thank God!! It was the most pleasant interaction we've had in a long time!!

The party for my DH's clinic was last night. Things went great!!
My decorations were as I had envisioned and our band played great!!
My Fitbit logged over 20 thousand steps and 18 floors yesterday between setup, singing and dancing on stage, breakdown and cleaning up.
Today I have sat on my butt almost the entire day!
I may just do the same tomorrow!! Lol

Thinking of all of you Ladies!!
Prayers and (((hugs)))!!!
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Shell, Lea, EP and Chris: Virtual hugs to you all. 💙💚💜💖
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Piper.....I think your 'job' should require more hours from you immediately.....maybe more days too so that you're no longer available to your NM for 1 hr stints never mind 4+ hrs. She's going to expect full time help from you soon and your health will only deteriorate from here. You and DH and your sister need Plan B and Plan C now to figure out what to do with NM as she continues to become more and more needy every day. Assisted Living with attached Memory Care would be your best bet. And NM will have no other choice IF you are not available to her anymore. When do you start looking after you? You sound like you're in a bad place emotionally which is taking a toll on you physically. Don't wait to be hospitalized before you make a decision to put yourself first. Maybe it's time to tell NM you're thinking about moving away and she needs to make other living arrangements? AL is a GREAT choice for so many elders these days! Sending you prayers and hugs.

Shell glad you are making progress in the house. Chris, good to hear you are feeling better.

My NM has been declining mentally....called me with a wild story about her place being renovated so she had to be moved to a new hotel. But the room was identical to her room at the other hotel and HOW DO THEY DO THAT? We saw her today and she's sounding congested in the lungs. But no fever or other symptoms so we shall see. She's talking like she's a youngster at 94+ and lots of residents there are 100. 🤐
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