...and that made me cry. Well, she said they're scared of me. WHAT?!?! I try so HARD to be likable and keep everyone happy, especially in light of everything that's gone on. I don't want to make things difficult for Dad, but I need to be there until the house is done.
Since I can't afford to have them bathe Dad, I do it.
I've completely stopped mentioning the portable oxygen thing although it's normally not plugged in when I arrive or not turned off and plugged in (which means it's not charging). Outside of the first reminder notes I placed near Dad's oxygen station, I don't communicate that way.
I change the trash myself because they were using small wastebasket bags in a 13 gallon can and Dad was getting coffee all over the trash can from throwing away half empty styrofoam cups in the can and the bag collapsing because it's too small.
I do his laundry because they kept using the wrong detergent and it was breaking Dad out.
I clean the bathroom (in addition to them) because Dad... misses and it smells bad.
...and I say NOTHING. It's just easier to do it myself instead of mentioning it. I think constantly repeating something to no avail is a waste of time, so I just do it.
So... why do they hate me? I speak to everyone and thank them. I ask about certain things (especially since he's been having bowel issues...), but I try to be REALLY nice when I ask. I don't yell or raise my voice. I try to use my nice words "What can WE do? Could WE possibly try this? I need YOUR help. Thank you for what you do... Let's find a solution TOGETHER..."
I know they HATE to see me coming and would probably prefer that I don't come as often to check on things, but I would worry myself silly if I didn't check and it's just easier for me to shut up about things and do it myself. I'm in codependent hell.
...and the thing is... why don't they just TELL me what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it? I HATE the South for that reason. Everyone's smiling in my face like things are fine and reporting back to the principal (Hospice nurse) about the big, bad daughter.
...Yuck. I'm in a bad mood now.
I can't wait until this house is finished so I can just cut out the middle man and not have to step on eggshells for everyone.
This has little to do with the facility staff. And everything to do with the hospice gossip, oops I mean nurse.
Youve known the staff didn't like you already, you've previously posted about it, so where's the shock coming from? Is it coming from you trying to manipulate their opinions of you? All those 'we' 'us' 'thank you' 'together' statements and cookies didn't work?
Dont lose sight of why you're there. You are the *director* of your father's care, PERIOD. You're not there to make friends.
Remember, you are taking him out of there because you feel their care is lacking. That reasoning will (hopefully) go down on paper for the higher ups to see. So all the cookies and cow towwing in the world will not change their feelings towards you. Who cares?!
The hospice nurse, however, is the problem. What she said, WAS to start some shyt. Stir the pot. She doesn't like you! When people I hung out with would say....
" I wanna tell you something, but you can't say anything"
or they'd say,
"you can't say it was me who told you"
Back then I'd Naturally agree, and it was always something someone else said negative about me. Or an implication my (then boyfriend) was cheating!
So I'd wind up with knots in my stomach, nauseous and paranoid.(who else believes this BS about me) But, I promised not to repeat it so I couldn't defend myself! Funny thing is, the witch that swore me to secrecy, ALWAYS said she cared for me and thought I should know when ppl were talking bad about me, since she was my best friend....lololol....they always ingraciated themselves to me! HA!
Seriously Tiny, sincere people DO NOT tell you things to hurt you, nor things that will eat you up inside. If anything they try their damdest to keep such gossip FROM EVER HITTING YOUR EARS!
Ask yourself why a hospice nurse,
(who knows you are caring for your dying Dad, and all the emotional anquish and pain that comes along with it)
Would want to engage you in such a conversation? She knows damd well what it will do to you! Your heart is already broke, your emotions are at the edge, in that, I'm sure you can cry at the drop of a hat.
To thine own self be true!
If ppl like you that's fine, if they don't that fine too. Never be the weak, ever-changing camillion. It only shows we don't know who we really are.
March your azz into the hospice social workers office and request Dad's nurse be changed....That's what the real Tiny would do. And it's for Dad as much as for you, I wouldn't trust her anymore.
Too many ppl don't live by *principals before personalities*. And that should be the Crux of a hospice nurse!
Ppl on here don't like me, and that's ok, they're entitled to like and dislike whomever they want. I don't twist my self into a pretzle to get others approval of me.
The latest *shocking* thing I've done was, offered a regular caregiver member here a few dollars, after reading she was out of supplies, food and money for the next two weeks. In private I explained I'd been broke and struggling when I was alone raising my three kids and ppl helped me. She never responded to me. I didn't think $75-80 dollars was a big deal, just to get them through. Back when I was broke and given help, I offered to pay it back, but I was told," pay it forward" help someone else in need when you can. So that was what I was doing. Oh well, I tried. Would I extend an offer to someone else in need again? Of course I would!
Be who you are, always! With no apologies. You ARE an AWESOME
DAUGHTER! YOUR dad hit the jack pot with you!!!💕
Sorry I went so long here. My Mom is now on hospice too, so this touched a nerve with me.😡
Honestly I think my staff likes me, I try to help them out as much as I can if they’re short staffed and really hustling around, but I don’t really care...I’d rather they love Mom and were afraid of me! Ha.
Why don't they plug in the O2? Why don't they clean dad's room?
Maybe they think you will report them for neglect, maybe, your actions send a different message than what you think.
My dads AL hated me as well, I could have not cared less. I believe that their hate was based on their own actions, so me being a ever present eye caused them to have to step up. I didn't step in because they were being paid to do all of the things you listed, I didn't patronize them with the we, us, together business, I would ask a question, so what needs to happen for his trash to be emptied everyday? Should he set it out the door, put it in the hall? Is there any particular reason he has no clean pajamas, you told me 7 pairs was ample? I just held them to their contract.
As far as allergies to products, I don't think they can be expected to carry and use a different product, these places have huge laundries that no one does anything except, dirty clothes in, clean clothes out, read tags for room # maybe, deliver to...
I think that if you tried letting them do the things they can, ie let the garbage make a mess and let them clean it up. Instead of cleaning the bathroom, go find someone and tell them hes made a mess again can you please come and clean it up so no one slips, maybe, just maybe they would stop being ugly.
Your standards make theirs look trashy and that is why they have a hard time. Sometimes you just gotta let it go. As they say in the south, "Their lousy housekeepers, God bless their hearts."
You have light at the end of the tunnel, hang in there.🤪
You have completely taken over Dad’s care. By doing so, you’ve given the impression that, in your opinion, the staff at the AL are a bunch of incompetents. You may not have intended to, but you have.
I’m sure you are a very nice person. But, there is a nursing home/assisted living etiquette. That is, it is not your territory even though your Dad is there. It’s the territory of the staff. If someone came into your home after you cleaned or redecorated and then took over and redid it all, you’d be a trifle miffed. If they intimated that they had to do it because they felt you did an inferior job, that would just exacerbate your feeling of insult.
Perhaps you should have leased a small apartment for Dad on a month to month basis. You could have cared for him there and paid half as much. You could even have hired an overnight aide.
I hope your Dad’s home is finished soon as well. I know this must be very hard on both of you.
I don't have access to the font sizes and italics and underlining required to stress enough quite how improbable it is that ANYBODY "hates" you.
Nobody hates you, Tiny.
Nobody.
If *some* people have said silly things and gossiped and been casual with their choice of words and talked for effect...
Well, what about them? You do not have time to care.
You are polite because you are polite. Ditto appreciative, supportive, understanding and a team player. You do not do any of this to win anybody's approval, you do it because it is right.
I have no idea what the hospice nurse thought she was doing repeating this to you. Have you?