I have finally cut ties with my mother and brother. It has been a long time coming.

frustrated~wow...I understand where you are coming from and believe me boundaries are the best way to handle family members like ours. Keeping a distance and limiting your time with them or just not spending time with them is best. By the way, did you know Marilyn Monroe had a NPD? You aren't anything like Marilyn (personality) or the other things your mother says about you. You are better than that and a good person.

Ladee I like what you said above -that is my new phrase -we can't fix what we did not break and we did survive -good for us.

Zannie, we can't 'fix' what we didn't 'break', we have a full time job fixing ourself from the damage done.... and here we are ..... A bunch of awesome folks who survived and who love, trust, have compassion, empathy.... in a huge group of like minded people..... and we are a damned awesome bunch I might add...

It seems to me that if there are strained family dynamics...they only get worse when there is a crises. As sad as they make you, you have to each survive and there are layers and layers of hurts and disappointments that are often just too complicated to even sort through in your mind. The pain is just often too much and you have to step back to save your own health. We all wish it were different, but we just don't know how to fix it because it goes way back into our own childhoods and each of our complicated relationships with our parents. In my case, I am beyond understanding it...there are so many issues...but I have decided that I must save my own health and well being. It leaves my heart heavy, but. I am not wise enough to fix it any longer.

"Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just, no one in this car."
Above, a quote from Melvin Udall, Jack Nicholson's character in "As Good As It Gets"! I love this and my husband and I just have to laugh sometimes to keep from going crazy!

I have had the family issues to: I am not going to bore you with my details because I don't feel like "going through it" today. Today is a good day. It's so sad that families are so cold, dysfunctional and more. I am so sorry any of us have to contend with this. I dont' feel guilty with regard to my sister, but sometimes I feel sad because she cut me off on a wild and crazy assumption she made...she cut mom off too and this is so sad. Hats off to all of us that tried to make things ok but it takes two a give and take situation. The other side typically doesn't budge or give

I have had the family issues to: I am not going to bore you with my details because I don't feel like "going through it" today. Today is a good day. It's so sad that families are so cold, dysfunctional and more. I am so sorry any of us have to contend with this. I dont' feel guilty with regard to my sister, but sometimes I feel sad because she cut me off on a wild and crazy assumption she made...she cut mom off too and this is so sad. Hats off to all of us that tried to make things ok but it takes two a give and take situation. The other side typically doesn't budge or give

I absolutely understand!!!! I put distance with my dad and sister for the same reasons as you did... and him being the sh$t stirrer...our stories are the same, as many have posted and I am right there with them... but will share the aftermath, and how I am coping now...
Of course I was the 'bad daughter", well, duh, nothing new there in their eyes, but now they didn't have me to be the scapegoat... at least not to my face... I had to take on the attitude of 'what they think of me is none of my business"... It wasn't always easy, because I though I NEEDED a family, but I perserved, kept myself in a good place spiritually as well as I could.... When dad died, I went to the funeral, and have had no contact with any of them since.... it is ver liberating... to not have some one saying mean and cruel things to you... expecting you to take and turn the other cheek, or if I did say anything, then it really got crazy because then it was ME starting something.....??????? UH NO, I was the only sane one out of the bunch, so I ran like the wind.... I have very loving friends, that is my family..... and I am very very proud of you for not letting the guilt have more powere than your common sense to get out of the situation.... they don't NEED us, and we don't NEED to be abused by anyone for anyreason...... so keep coming here and letting us know how things are with you... when you feel like you will step back into this, post how you feel and we'll help you to stay behind your boundries.... hugs to you...
There is a thread here that starts... Two years ago this July my mother.... please check it out.... this lady is doing it now... stepping away.... she is having struggles, but I feel you will really identify with her.... her name is Lisa, aka Survived 2

frustrated2
Why do people become parents who are so blooming mean....Here's a hug from across the waters, you sound like you could write a book on the subject. Also, it sounds like you have survived with a good sense of humour,
Tell a child it is useless for long enough, and it will believe it. YOU DIDN'T!! Well done you,
I think someone who can be so unncessarily mean has the worst issues on the planet. You should be able to adore your creation.
Keep smiling, and thank the lord for the strength he has given you in bearing such an awful person.
We, as children get to read the idylic Janet and John books, or Enid Blyton, where Mother is a gem, bakes and cooks, and spoonfuls of good, sound sense but the
realities are there are many who should simply never have kids!

Wow, madge1! Did you ever start a topic! I know that you feel sad now but it will get better and better as time goes by and you do not miss one bit the drama and abuse! They will NEVER change, but your life will change to one of peace and joy!

My comment above about being left handed didn't get completed, above. My aunt, my only aunt or uncle, was my mother's sister, and she was an artist, and left handed. When I was growing up I heard nothing about her that was positive. My uncle, her husband had the same first name as my first husband. My mother would constantly bad mouth my aunt and in the next breath call me by her first name, laugh and say "oh, I meant _______! But you are so much like her!" It was obvious the comparison was not meant as a complement. Over the years she also has said (these are quotes) "When you laugh it sounds so fake". "When he finds out (my first husband, when we got engaged) what you are really like, he will be sorry". "I don't really think I bonded with you ever". And "You were a cold baby". When I was very young Marilyn Monroe was still alive (born in 1955) and she would really angrily say "Who do you think you are, Marilyn Monroe?". I was blonde and blue eyed and people used to tell me I was a pretty girl. My mother has brown hair and brown eyes and no one ever thought I looked like her. I think the fact that I was very competent early on and that I wasn't interested in being a nurse or didn't try to emulate her made her furious. She had no use for me, because I didn't "edify" her.

Yes, you did. No telling what she has written, but just guessing, not nice. There must be a manipulation gene. We caregivers did not get it but it can certainly be used against us. Thought about changing your phone number? My daughter does this thing when she gets absolutely sick of someone's inappropriate/offensive/drive her crazy behavior. She mentally gives them a timeout. Might be an hour, might be days, weeks, months, lol, years! I've tried it. It works! I suppose it is another way to detach. Love that word now "detach." Have a good day today!

You should study up on NPD. Google it and you may find a lot of things that are familiar to you. I am the oldest of 5 and the 'scapegoat'. My mother is horrific and always has been, particularly to me. Her real issue with me is that I am self sufficient and I guess, even as a child, instinctively knew I couldn't count on her - for love, support, things that mother mostly find are second nature with their children. I am left handed, was always best at writing, English, and was interested in business. My mother never worked and I am positive that she envies me for having had a career (even though it came from necessity after a bad divorce, from surprise, a husband that I married you and treated me just like she did. Nothing ever good enough, held the 'carrot of love/approval' just beyond my reach. It felt familiar but things changed after I matured and knew this wasn't right. He evidently had also been cheating on me most of our marriage too. He was cruel and cold but I didn't know until I really grew emotionally that I didn't deserve to be treated that way). Ironically my mother always hated my ex; never of course could see how much alike they were. My dad has been married to this evil person for 60 years. She focuses her vitriol on me. I feel that it is sort of the equivalent to how someone else would perhaps go to the gym and work out their frustrations. She takes it out on me and then she acts as if she is a nice woman to the rest of the world, including my four siblings. The dynamics in our family are: Me - oldest and not exactly what they ever wanted. First brother - golden child. Second brother - second fiddle to the first brother. He is also the middle child and the one who also always laid low and sort of flew under the radar. Fourth child, first youngest sister - she curries favor, is a huge whiner like my mother, is the laziest and has an addiction to pain pills which everyone officially says doesn't exist although we have all at one time or another throw them back with a drink (alcohol). It IS acknowledged that she probably drinks too much but that's because she has 'so many problems' (not really) and in my family there is so much denial that getting drunk isn't really a problem. She is also a Hospice nurse and has ready access to the pain killers she always seems to have too many extra of. The last of five is my youngest sister, who is 15 years younger than I am. I really had no relationship growing up with her. She was just a little kid. I was not allowed to take the car anywhere when I was driving unless I took her too. That was no matter what was promised (ie, if you was the car then you can take it to the store - then before I left my mother would tell me if I didn't take her too I couldn't go). She too is a nurse - the profession my mother always said she wanted but never studied for. She also blames my father for 'keeping her barefoot and pregnant" although I can remember her saying, laughing that "I love babies. I just can't stand them when they grow up". Being so self absorbed, I do believe she loved BEING pregnant. She got a lot of attention. She had a cleaning lady twice a week all the years I was growing up and called herself a stay at home mother, although often she wouldn't be there when I got home from school. I would get locked out, it could be raining or snowing, and I would have to go to a neighbor's or my grandmother's who lived close by, and whom I was very close to (dad's mother).
Anyway, we have all had our roles from the beginning. She has badmouthed me and slammed me to people who don't even know me. She has told my siblings several times that I am going to be cut out of their will. They are fairly well off and I am positive that a number of the rest of them are salivating at the prospect of getting a piece of the action. We live in Florida and she has taken advantage of our hospitality for years, staying weeks on end. I have done it just because I have tried to turn the other cheek and it is the only way to have a relationship with my father, even though he has told me 'I have to take my wife's side'. Really, they are both abusive. They cite Biblical passages but their behavior is not Christian. I cannot see how my mother is anything but evil. I can almost see her mean little wheels turning and she has always, when asked to back off or if I try to put parameters around what I will stand for, embarked on a campaign of smearing me to the entire family. She also seems to really enjoy it when people are in a bad way because it makes her feel good to feel sorry for someone, and will call relentlessly to discuss what she did to 'help' or whatever. It is always all about her.
When I was divorced, she spent her days driving around looking for trailer parks for me to live in. I was well employed and there was no way I was raising my kids in a trailer park. My parents live in a 5000 sq ft house on acreage. It was sort of all she thought I deserved having been divorced, even though they hated my ex and knew the circumstances. She told me I should never date until my kids were grown (I was in my early 30s) and she didn't invite me to family dinners because, according to her she "didn't think you would want to come since you aren't married." She also would repeatedly call me to tell me how hard my divorce was on her and when I told her that I was not the person to talk to about this, she flew off the handle. My father always says things then that excuse her behavior.
Now that they are getting old, it has gotten really ugly. Fortunately, we live several states away. We had a falling out - again - a year ago after my addict sister's husband lost his job and they moved close to us. They stayed with us for about a month, we helped them as much as we could, paid for food when we went out to dinner, and tried to be supportive with their kids. My sister whined constantly about how much she hated it and always wanted my brother in law to take time off for this or that, spend a long weekend with her rather than go in on Monday. He lost his job within a year and my sister immediately moved back in with my parents, back to the bosom of sympathy for her plight. She quit her job to do this, even though her husband had just lost his. The stupid decisions pile up quicker than you can sneeze at!
My mother moaned and groaned so much to me I had to tell her I didn't want to talk about my sister with her anymore. Twice during the conversation she hung up on me so I finally wrote her a firm email. She twisted it to mean that I was being disrespectful to her and my father even called me to tell me to say I was sorry. Shortly thereafter, he called again to say that if I did not say I was sorry, then they wouldn't be going on an 80th birthday cruise that I put together and we all paid for for my dad's 80th. My mother was willing to die on that hill and cause misery for everybody if I didn't apologize - for something that was direct and important for my sanity to say. Now, almost a year later, she has copied this email and sent it to me with nasty comments, she totally has rewritten history about why I had to write it to her rather than say it (because she repeatedly hung up on me), and she sends me copied Bible passages talking about how I did something wrong here. I do not reply. They come fairly often and out of the blue. I think that since I have not reacted to any of them she is bored and really wants more controversy and needs something to go crazy about to someone else, about how terrible I am. I think my silence and refusing to react is really causing her to be furious and to ramp things up.
At this point I am DONE. I do not really care if I ever see her again. She is what I would truly call evil. I do think she has some kind of mental problem but I am staying as far away from her as I can. No contact. My dad has always taken the role of 'saint' but I think he is as culpable as she is. I have read that a family who has at least one NPD person in it, mostly the mother, ends up being like a small cult. The entire thing malfunctions because everybody has to work around this insanity. I think I am the only person in my family who has ever received counseling and for me it was Christian counseling. I have done way too much work on my own self esteem and figuring out what I needed to do to be healthy to fall back again into that pit. It's hard to cut off contact with a parent(s) and family but sometimes it just is what it is.

Thanks. At times I feel bad. My mom still sends me letters (I don't open them) and called last week (didn't answer). So that just dredges up the whole mess again. I know I did the right thing.

lillylilly, don't feel bad. You have nothing to feel bad for. Their abusive behavior is all on them. I highly suggest that you rent the movie MATILDA! You will identify and it all turns out well in the end for the good guys. The others? Lololol, ha ha ha! Take care!

I had to do the same. Old bad dynamics started back up. I had kept all of my family at a distance for so many years I had forgotten why. As I ended suddenly in a constant situation of dealing with my mom and her affairs after her stroke it all came back. Manipulation, mentally abusive tactics out of both my mother and my brother. My brother was horrible and made the problems already there even worse. I remembered WHY I had put my family at a distance. Everyone treats me like I am a child and that they can do and say absolutely anything to me with impunity or demand I do whatever they say. Never mind I am an adult about a decade away from retirement with my own life. The discussions on dysfunctional family on here are very good, worth reading through. Your not alone. This seems to happen frequently. Old problems don't suddenly solve themselves because a parent is old and in need of care. They are still there with some new ones added in. I have disconnected from my family. At first it was to stop enabling some bad dependent behaviors of my mother, I had other family members step in. The fact that I stepped back created so much nasty manipulation, lying and abusive behavior I had enough. I can't live like that. I don't think I could have taken much more. I feel bad but it did save my sanity.

Thank yourself for disconnecting from the emotional and mental ABUSE and move on.

I write from experience.... he will be trying to alienate you from your Mum, as my husband's half sister has done to him.
It seems this is a tried and tested rule, that controlling children do, and I have to say, sadly, it is more likely about cutting you out of anything she was previously out to leave you.
People will do anything, to anyone when money is involved.
I would say, hard as it is, keep the channels of communication open, for old people are wickedly manipulated this way, and will be to your Mum's disadvantage as well
as yours.
You feel like you cannot take it anymore, and that is PRECISELY where he has got you. People like this make me sick, I would also document everything and alert a solicitor and/or the authorities for this bad manipulation....All bad karma for him....

Madge I am so sorry how your Mom and brother are treating you there is a thread about dysfuncitional familes started by C magnam-a very wise and nice man. Maybe for now detatch from them both if and when they get in touch with you you can decide what you want to do see them or whatever-for now I would write them off tell yourself this -I do not deserve to be treated this way -and will not let people who are mean to me in my life-I had to do that with the husband while he was alive and have cut down exposure with another family member-I know I will never have a good relationship with my mother but so what I am close to my sister and have lots of friends and great adult kids.

I have had to step back from my brother who wanted my mom to finance his trips to see her as well that of his family, Fighting dementia, of course mom wanted to see him, but it took caregivers on this site who gave me support to tell him "no more". He still was demanding, as if it was his right, but he is not even working! I spoke to attorney and was reaffirmed that as mom's POA, I was protecting her finances, which are slim. His response? That I was hurting her. No responsibility, no acknowledgement that maybe he needs to save and pay. I am done and NOT feeling guilty. It may feel sad, but your stress and physical health will be MUCH better.