I have given up 4 months to care for my mother and my sister has done nothing.

Mom keeps telling me that she has to register for grade school. She's 82!!! She also keeps looking for her youngest son who is 12, but the baby of 7 is 42. She goes into the spare room all the time and looks for him under the covers. She's always asking me where so and so went. I say who? and she says they were just sitting next to her. It gets crazier all the time! I agree it's very sad, but I'm the one who listens to this kind of stuff all day, 7 days a week. I've been getting more and more short tempered with her. I know she can't help it, but at this point, neither can I. I need a major break from her soon. My siblings think I should be nice to her all the time. Easy to say when they only spend a couple hours at a time with her. And that's only every 3 or 4 weeks or longer before they show up again.
Do any of you have a short fuze because of the major stress? Two years without a vacation is a very long time!

Deefer I wish I lived close to you, I'd give you a break. But when you came back me and your mom may have started our own cosmic clown company!!! :)

"I'm Chucko, I'm Chucko, I'm chucko the Birthday clown.

Well well well guess who's going out of town again this weekend? Wanna take a guess...............yep it's my sister's family headed to San Diego. Guess who called me and asked me to come and stay with her while they're gone.........yep my mom. I'd like to know how yo can be a primary and go out of town. I never did when I was there all the time, matter of fact they would still go out of town and l leave me there when I was the "help".

She said the "help" is going to stay the night one night and asked if I could come and stay the other.

Now mind you the last time I was over there and they were out of town my mom told me not to touch anything because she didn't want them to say I stole anything. Why on earth would I go over and stay. Shoule I tell my mom exactly how I feel about this?

Someone said to watch out and see how long before my sister would be calling, well she's not calling my mom is doing the calling. Someone also said to get a nannycam. Well who's to say there isn't one planted somewhere in my moms room already.

I just don't trust those folks and I feel my poor mom is somewhere in the midst of it all and hasn't got a clue about what's going on.

Well I am working all this weekend, and my son got a job and I'll have to take him and pick him up from work so I won't go over to stay, only visit.

I'm through with staying the night, been there, done that when my sister would go in and out of the hospital. Hmmmmm funny how she hasn't been back since the last time I had to stay over. Will wonders never cease.

Ain't life funny, here my mom was just calling me about somthing up in Denmark, if ya don't mind me stealing your slogan SS. By the way I did take your advise SS and get started on my own investigation. I won't go into it now but I am on it.

Give me some support here and tell me what yo think. I need some help on this one because I am somewhat torn. I'd love nothing more than to go spend time with my mom, just so we can laugh. Thing is I haven't been alone with her in a while and I'l love some quality alone time just to see how she is. I'd like to take her to lunch, if she'll go, tell her some funny stories, and just hear her side way laugh.

Can I get a little help here........

Is your mother still in charge of her affairs? Is she officially conserved? As soon as I was "official," I could never leave my mom alone. Your sister is in charge of caregiving, and should be the one calling the shots there (I guess.) Your mother is paranoid and has dementia, you probably shouldn't trust anything she says. And as you mentioned, she gives a different story to your sister, playing you off against each other.

O, Pamela. Does your mom like boats? Only kidding. Sure, you can use the saying; it's not mine. Heard "something's rotten in Denmark" more than once... Wow. Wish there were magic answers. Many times I've wished that. I didn't find anything but hurt, and hard work. But we do what we can. Sounds a little weird over there. How about a magic wand?

I think taking your mom out is a great idea, if she's up for it. No one wants to be chained to one spot. But...will anyone object? Legally, what can you do? That is the question, and one I'm trying to answer for our situation. We both have tough ones... I hope someone can shed some light.

If your sister is in charge now, you need to call her and say that you heard she was leaving for the weekend. Ask her if this is true, then ask what arrangements she has made for Mom. She needs to make sure someone is there at night! What if she fell or turned on the stove? She should at the least, call you and tell you her plans. That's when you tell her you are working and cannot spend the night. She's definitely counting on you to step up. Make sure she knows that she is responsible if anything happens! What an a**!! Good luck!

Let me just say that Denmark stinks and you don't always know which way street to walk on... You can only do what you can do... pray about it and press on... Your stories, your legal battles... all have been eye-openers to me. I am grateful to be where I am... it's a nicer street of Denmark.. still stinky, but I use a clothespin... HA!

deefer I haven't spoken to my sister since she took control. Before that when I was in control I'd call her and she wouldn't answer the phone. I guess she was plotting her take over then and wanted no diversions.

My mom cannot walk to the stove, she cannot walk period and uses the walker to and from the wheelchair. She is pretty much bedridden.

You say I should call my sister, well quite the contrary, my sister should call ME and tell me what's going on. I remember just before my mom got sick, my sister and her family went out of town. She failed to call me so my mom called and told me and asked me to bring some food over for her as she couldn't stand long enough to cook anything. I called my sister and read her like a book and told her to please let me know when she was going out of town so I could make arrangements for mommy. That Friday night, I went over when I got off work and took mom some dinner.

Saturday afternoon I went back over and took her breakfast, lunch, and dinner before I went to work and when I walked into the living room, the dog had made 20 piles of poop in both the living room and the dining room. My sister and her family had left their dog inside thinking their son, (who didn't go with them) would be there. Hell he left right after they did. Can you believe that. And that's one of the things that led to my moms stroke, being in a house with such filthy people.

Here my mom was in the next room, with all this dog poop surrounding her. She walked with her cane then, and managed somehow to go sit on the front porch. Guess she thought she would shield me from this mess but when I went in I was flored. I was so hurt for my mom I didn't know what to do. So what did I do. I walked my mom back into her room, closed the door to the living/dining room and called off from work to wait for my sister's family to get home.

My mom was so afraid that there was gonna be a storm in that house, (and there would have been) that she got more upset with me waiting for them, than all the dog poop. She actually told me to leave so there would be no trouble.

Mom had started having accidents and I was cleaning them up at that time but I was NOT gonna clean up behind my sister's dog's poop, that was just a little too much.

I asked mom if any of them ever apologized to her and she said no but she heard good old sis when she came through the door and she said "OH MY GOD". Yeah whatever.

My mom has always known that my sister and I have never really gottern along, just condual (excuse the spelling) to one another. Hell my mom made it that way playing us against one another. But it has also seemed like my mom has always been beholding to my sister for staying there with her. Where some parents encourage their children to leave, my mom never did that. AS Crowemagnum says she created an envoirnment of FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). She wanted to hold on to someone. She always said that she needs my sister there to take care of her. Well by george she's there to do just that.

I know I got a little off the subject, just giving you a little history.

I've gone back to work.....got to continue to make a living. My son just got a new job after being laid off from his other job and I'll need to help him just a bit until he gets on his feet, then it's outta here for him cause I want my boyz to be independent.

Certainly my mom is all confused and won't understand but for me I'm hesitant to go over there anyway. I don't trust any of them anymore. My mom has to feel something, she has to know I'm hesitant because when she calls she says she just wants me to come by and hold her hand. I feel bad, but I'm also skeptical because of how the entire rug was pulled from under me. Mom had to have some knowledge of what was going on, even though she is rather helpless in the situation she is there under their control.

It's a mess that I don't want to involve myself in. I want to work now. I took leave for all of this, then I was removed, and I just don't want to get sucked back into it. I don't want stay the night over there because I don't want them to say I removed anything. For all I know it could be a set up and I'm going to explain it to my mom like this. Let the "help" stay the night again just like Valentine's Day Weekend when they took a trip to Las Vegas. Sis never called and told me she was going, mom told me. Even then sis made arrangements for mom and I just went to visit and sit a while, the entire time there was someone "paid" to be there.

Am I being unrealistic?

You poor sweetheart! And I really feel sorry for your mom. I'd call the county, and charge your sister with neglect. The minute she walks out the door. She's using you!!! Take your mother to someplace safe, and take her to an attorney who can give the POA back to you, then evict your sister! Throw her stuff to the curb! That's what I'd do!!! I'd call the police and press charges, too. I would have taken pictures of all that poo! Your poor feeble mother. I'd be calling anyone who would listen and get some help for her!!!

SecretSister is right - do what you need to do!

Ladies I did indeed take pictures, I did that right away, took a newspaper and put it near each pile and snapped away. Actually you wouldn't believe the pictures I've taken.

It was my intention to call the D.A's office of elderly abuse as well. I actually phoned a very nice lady from Dept of Aging who gave me amny resources following up with a list of mailings which I got out yesterday and read through and made some calls myself.

My mom knew my intention though and she said NOT to do anything because it would make it hard for her. Which it would. There have been many instances my mom knows that I could do something, but now it's a different story.

POA no I don't want it anymore. This is the way it will be, and my sister can have at it. Like I said, I've got to work on my own family and I don't live there and I'm not getting sucked into it anymore.

I actually think my mom is afraid of my sister and I've thought that for a long time. But that's a different thread.

In 2001 when my mom had her first stroke, this is how my mom explained to me WHY she had the stroke.

Said my sister had made some pancakes. Four days later the pancake batter was still sitting on the sink and she kept telling my sister to throw it out, and she or the rest of her dirty family never did. My mom got so overwhelmed that she had the stroke. Now as I've said mom is manipulative and NOW as I look at all things I don't know whether this was true or not, but it does place harse feelings in me towards my sister. I've always known they are dirty, matter of fact when we had Christmas at my house, my sister wasn't allowed to cook in MY kitchen.

No POA for me. Let them handle it, I just wish my mom could understand.

Pamela, one thing I noticed in your post-the first time your sis abandoned your mom to run away for the weekend, you called your sis and yelled at her (rightly) but you also said to give you a heads up next time so that you could make arrangements to take care of your mom. The moment you said that, you accidentally painted yourself into a corner. Now your twisted sister thinks she can bail any time she wants and you'll magically show up and clean up the mess. She's counting on it, and she is totally taking advantage of you. I know that you're really scared that calling Adult Protective Services will make things so much harder on your mom, but I think you're up to that point. I know how much you love her and how worried you are for her, but all of the stress your sister is putting on her just isn't good for her. And she's not going to understand any of this no matter how you explain it-good ol' dementia screwing us over again. Remember, also, that these agencies for elderly abuse really do care about your mom and only want what is best for her, so it may be really rough at first but in the end it may be the best thing to happen, for both of you. I really hurt for you in your situation, but I know you'll end up doing the absolute best thing for your mom and for yourself. Your sis can fend for herself. Big Big Hugs for you and all the support you could ever ask for, doll. Keep us posted.

I've also aged taking care of MY mother.... now 90 years old, with demensia, and living with me going on 2 years. My brother and sister made it quite clear they could be of NO HELP WHATSOEVER.... to just 'let the state' take care of her.

It's exhausting...... mentally and physically.

Wow is the house your mom is living in her house or your sister's house? All that dog poop in anyone's home with an invalid or no is just F'N GROSS and unsanitary and nasty. Ptew YOUR SISTER IS NARSTY.....why is there no doggie door and her useless son should have had one of his ears chewed out for about an hour or so! My mom has a little parakeet and I clean his cage every Sunday....I think he looks forward to it cause he gets 2 fresh sprays of millet and they love that stuff. I am interested on your mom playing your sister against you...can you elaborate more with some backhistory...does she have any personality disorders? Just curious.

Pirategal in order to understand my story, you would have to read my first post. That may help you understand a little, it sort of sums things up. To my knowledge my mom has no personality disorder, but after realding and learning different ailments on this site, she may have.

Understand, the dog poop incident happened about a month before my mom had her stroke. She was able to get around. Again I say this occured before my mom got sick.

My sister and her family live in my MOMS HOUSE. They've been there the better part of 16 years. Convinced my mom that it was to help her but it was really because they pay $175.00 every other week for rent. You heard me. Last year just before Christmas I convinced my mom to increase their rent, as she did to $200.00 every other week which brings the total amount of rent to $400.00 per month for a family of friggin FOUR! Can you dig it. No wonder they always have money. I've always been rather pissed about that too. but again that's a different thread.

Get the picture a little better now pirategal?

Pamela....yes but what I was really after who OWNED the house...and as I suspected she does and they are just squatters...harumpf even 400 bucks a month is cheap...for a family to rent a nice suburban house here in CA is around 2,675.00 a month...throw them apples at her (your sister)...wow no wonder they have monies for trips....yeah I could save rent by moving in with mom,,,(but I would be buying a 38 and using it on myself...HA HA HA!)

Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! them varmits!!!!!!!!!!

Can't change 16 years of squattin! And I doubt sissy dearest will ever grow up. Of coarse she wanted you out of the picture with POA. Your mom did her wrong, no offense to mom. But your mom did her no favors. And you are probably right to stay away from sis. But...now that your mom needs a mature caregiver, she is plum out of luck. That's to her misfortune. Perhaps she thought she was buying a caregiver when she played her daughter all those years. Now it appears her daughter just played her. Woe unto the parent who doesn't teach responsibility and respect. How did you end up so good, Pamela? You get the prize for not being a slimeball like your sis. But, aside from that, which I understand you don't want to get into it with her, who's taking care of your mom? She pretty much at every one's mercy now. Her dumb plan failed. She has needs that aren't being met, and she is getting no respect, either. Too sad. I feel sorry for her, and you, too. But I don't feel sorry for your sis. I don't like creeps.

Yeah. What SS said.

B

SS u always understand my trauma. You are among the angels here. Pirate gal I welcome your remarks too.

I am my mother's child. Remember my sister is adopted, I'm not. I am my mother all over although I fight not to make the same mistakes she did with me with my sonz.

My mom moved away from her hometown when she was bery young and neber went back. I am my mother's child.

Pam, when your sister is gone, call the local police to do a welfare check on your elderly mother. Tell them you are at work, and just found out that your sister, her caregiver, haha! has left her alone for the weekend, and you are concerned for her safety. If you don't want to do that, maybe a friend or neighbor of your mother can call and tell them she was left alone and they are worried about her. That will get the ball rolling on your sister. It will be out of your hands once the police show up. If they feel she cannot be alone, they will take her into protective custody, and it will be out of your hands. It may be a blessing in disguise for your Mom. She definitely should not be left alone, and you shouldn't have to feel guilty about not being able to be there. Good luck!

deefer I'm retired law enforcement. I know about the welfare check. Believe me I do have something in mind but it won't be that. I know how they work out here. I've got something even better in store for them. After it's in motion I'll elaborate for now I'll just chill.

I've told my mom that I can come over on Saturday. I'm off and will go over at that time. I'll check for nanny cams though, my paranoia. I won't stay the night and I'll tell my mom exactly why I won't. She will understand.

I am going to use this time to speak to my mom about what has happened over the last 5 weeks, she needs to hear from me, she really does. She needs to understand why I am not there at her beckon call and I want to explain to her what has happened. I want her to know that I love her more than anything but she hurt me by putting my sister in charge of her and that I feel as though I am the adopted child rather than the biological child.

Really I need to let her know and I need to spend time with my mom because simply put I miss her as much as she misses me. Yeah I'm a sucker but I just love her so much, unlike any of you, and I need to spend some time with her.

Besides that as you know they cannot keep anything a "secret" aymore and I need to hear what she needs to tell me too because I am feeling like she needs to talk to me too.

I know I'm being stupid but I can't help it. I'm hooked into my moms web.

Pam, you are doing the right thing. You need your mom as much as she needs you, so do whatever it takes. She definitely needs you on her side!

Pamela, I don't think you're being stupid at all! I am proud of you. This is a mess. Your mom is a mess. But, you have your head straight on your shoulders. Please don't let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise! Satan is a deceiver and the father of lies, and he is doing that to you. Confusion is not of God, so we'll just pray and ask God to give you a sound mind (he already has), clear thinking, and a vision for his plan in all this! He will guide you and look out for your mother's best interests, if you keep your heart right with him. Can't wait to hear what you have in mind for this situation. The suspense is really interesting. Can't you give a hint? Also, teddy bears and flower pots make good nanny cams. Eager to hear what you come up with. That wouldn't be considered entrapment, would it? Can you hook the cam to your computer? This is getting exciting! Looking forward to hearing all about your talk with mom on Saturday. Till then, WOW!

P am -just tell your sister you will not stay the night why should get sucked into that again so she knows right off what is what and can call your Mom or arrange for someone to be there that night and then you can go over and visit or take your Mom out whatever.

I have been caring for my mom for going on 3 years now . She has advanced Alzhimers and is 82 , and has her breast cancer back . My husband and I have put our lives on hold also . My Sister lives in another state and doesn`t do anything to help. She retired and does all of these crafty projects , enjoys her grandchildren and goes on great trips with her husband . My life , well , my husband and I havn`t been to a movie or out to dinner in over 2 years, there has not been any " DATE NIGHTS" at all for us . I get really down , like right now , and just want to say I`m done , but thats a story as well . My mom makes to much money to get medicad and doesn`t make enough for a care facility.
Ok , I guess I`ve had my pitty party and my life will go on . My Dad and I were like very good friends and I look at his pictures allot and ask him to give me strengh to go another day. And I guess he does because here I am .
Good luck with your problem, and take care.
Becky

So glad you have a source of strength, Becky. Another hero caregiver! Hoping you get that date night, soon. How's come you can't re-maneuver things?

Becky yu say your mom makes too much money, why can't she pay for help for you perhaps hire a care-giver to give you some relief atleast once weekly or maybe even twice. Once during the week, and once on the weekend.

Yeah, Pamela. Or, a spend down on a lovely getaway for all of you... Yee haw! How 'bout a boat? LOL

Pamela, keep us posted on things... It will all work out - it always does!