I've given up 4 months of my life to take care of my mom. I put my life on hold, took family leave, neglected my sons, neglected me, neglected my friends, and just neglected life trying to take care of my mom since October while my sister never even took any time off.
My mother gave me DPOA Financial and it's been that way since October. I've taken care of everything with little help from my sister. Every time I take a break (3-4 days away) my sister would get sick and have to go to the hospital, as some of you know.
I have all my moms paper work and there is none at my moms house. There are different people coming in and out, caregiver, and she asked me to take it. Now this last week she'd been asking me to bring the paper work back. I finally said OK, knowing my mom cannot even READ now, she will look at something and can't read one thing. Her eyesight has been effected and the doctor knows it. Anyway I'll continue....everytime I am away for a while my mom starts calling me asking me a bunch of questions. I answer them then she calls back with the same questions again and again and again. Beginning Dem/Alz I realize this by reading from these posts. I also realize she's just a shell of the mother that was and although that in itself is very very hard to deal with, I've dealt with it continuing to go over and do what was needed to be done.
Everything that my mom needed I ordered. Everything that needed to be paid I paid. Everyone that needed to be notified I notified. I even alphabatized all her paper work and put it in a nice file cabinet and in a safe deposit box.
Keep in mind that my sister, her husband, and their 2 teenage kids live in my moms house yet I've been the delegated one so everyone else just kicked back. Anyway everytime I am gone for a few days when I return I feel like a stranger in my moms house and I feel my sister is busy undermining everything I do. Well here goes the killer!
Low and behold my sister convinces my mom to remove me as DPOA and make her DPOA. Can you believe it. But although I am very dissapointed in my mom I know she is being manipulated and handled but I am going to look at it this way.
They need not bother calling me when she goes to the hospital. I won't fill in. My mom need not call me when she THINKS no one is there with her, I will not respond. I will not answer my phone.
I have made myself sick, literally sick from all of this. I actually now know that one can become sick yourself just from doing so much for that "special parent". I do not plan on being sick anymore.
I've been complaining about my sister not doing anything for a while on line here but now the ball is in her hand and I am passing the batton on to her. She can have at it and I will become the complacent one. I will become the one that has been talked about and been called the deadbeat. I will take all this in stride, although I am hurting at the thought that my mom has agreed to this. I am truly hurting.
I'll allow about 3 days to hurt and then I'm gonna pick myself up, get back in shape, and get back to work. I'll let my sister take care of all of this and I will feel no shame about it.
Now don't think I'm not rulling out praying because after I finish this bottle of wine, I'm gonna open up my Bible and ask God to remove this malice I have in my heart. Gonna ask him to give me peace, gonna ask him to show me how to forgive and forget. Oh I'm gonna fall down on my face and pray because no matter what no one says there is power in prayer.
Gigglebox, you're precious with your prayers. Good suggestion for Pam to take some time to think...and ask God to lead.
I also just bought a full spectrum light, figuring this is a non-work help in mood...for both of us. will report if it seems to make a difference. Another non-work help is the massage pads for chairs, with heat (shiatsu type probably too rough on old bodies)...and a Homedics foot massager. These can help keep the circulation going, give some pampering, and might actually help bowels move along. Old folks might not be able to take too much of it though.
I must say, I borrowed a 5-lb set of hand weights from the neighbor, and just started pumping flab whenever I saw the weights. I'd lift it ten times in various ways. I then bought an 8-# weight, and will soon get a 10#. Getting myself stronger so I can hold Mom up and help lift her has made a huge difference to ME, and I am more secure lifting her. I have also kept after mom to learn how to scootch in her chair (like we'd do to move our chairs a bit while seated in them) so she isn't dead weight.
im glad you sat and thought about your decision. i know it wasnt easy. but youre absolutely right about charging and coming up with a contract. this way sis cant over step any boundaries and blame you!
Good luck with all those tax issues, you can handle it, if anyone can I know it's you. Plus like you said you'll be able to watch what u want, noone clicking that remote but you. Hell you can even watch lifetime if you want, for as long as you want.
Do what ya have to do my friend.
Thank you everyone for your comments. Much love to you all.
PirateGal, empanada dough sounds so...delish. Comfort food? Sad for mama, though. Must be so hard on them losing abilities, and being so out of control, both physically and emotionally. Mental illness, dement, and Alzheimer's are the worst!
Alz, you have some wonderful suggestions! How long have you been at this caregiving thing?!
You guys have got me thinking.. I write things down b/c I fear that my actions will be questioned when it comes down to the money in the end.. if you know what I mean! GRRR!
Mine is "I think I'm done with my father and brother" - consider this - that's MEN I am dealing with.. just teasing, guy caregivers!
Way to go girl! ... Nothing like a caring, assertive, responsible woman who takes what she wants to get what she needs without trampling on anyone to get it.
Have you ladies seen Bette Davis' movie "Now Voyager"? Hurry up!
-- ED
nursing home so fast she won't know what happened! The GOD thing is the best plan yet!! turn to him for the anwsers! just be wise enough to listen!
BEN There
Sometimes we have to sit and be still to hear his voice... which is hard, I know... but the peace!!!
You have to pray and press on. Don't feel guilt over your decisions and talk with your mom if she has her wits about her. I worried over the probabilities and ended up with my dad in a nursing home... things worked out despite all my thinking scenarios. Living with me was NOT an option.
Just think on it.. talk about it with mom and bro and don't worry too much... easier said than done. It has a way of working out and this is a wonderful site filled with wonderful caregivers who will help you on this journey!!!!
First off...what is that Beth Moore book, she is one of my fav authors!
Secondly...I had a conversation with brother this AM. Yes, we actually get along very well but as you say money can change everything. This is the thing: since her money is being put in his charge...I made it very clear that her living with me was NOT an option (especially after reading many of these posts, which I told him about) and that I WILL BE expecting him to use that money to fund HER needs, which will very likely include assisted living, in the next year or so. He is telling me how expensive it is, but I am holding to my word on this one and let him know that unless he were taking her into his own home, disrupting his life and marriage, then WE have no option but to use her own funds to support her. I do not see this as unbiblical....or anything to feel guilty over. She is cared for, she is not left wanting. Is this the situation she WANTS? No, she wants to be catered to and treated with elevated importance at the 'Matriarch' of the family. But, the reality is that she never functioned as a Mom except when we were babies and very young, after that it was all about her. Our lives were hell. None of the 5 kids stayed home beyond 16-18. From my experience alone, she has been emotionally absent and dependent on me for her social life, medical care, familial context. I have been a good daughter, but can I say I did everything that I would have had I felt a true love or respect for her, no. This is why it is not possible for me to have her with me until one of us leaves Planet Earth. She has informed me, just a few days ago...armed with a Bible verse, that I am responsible for her Happiness. When I told her it was NOT my responsibility to make anyone happy, nor did I have the capacity to do so (that would make ME God), she was angry with me. For adult children of difficult people, we have a special balancing act to perform...reading these posts gives me comfort that I am not Evil, Selfish or in anyway Negligent. Thank you all for that support, so glad I found this site!
Sure I'm not there night and day, sure I'm not making the decisions (although my mom is slowly appointing me more and more legalities to take care of, which I politely decline), sure I have lost communication with my sister (never had one in the first place), sure sure sure.
Perhaps you don't realize that since my mom is a shell now I will never be totally detached, only attached to a shell of what my mom use to be. Personally I'll settle for that if that's the hand I've been dealt.
Let me go a step further here and say that my sister is taking really good care of my mom, heck I have to call it the way I see it, and quiet as it's kept maybe my mom honestly and sincerely really believed that to be true. I cannot complain about one thing that she is doing for mom, and that takes a lot of courage to admit. Mom is not hurting for anything and the house is peaceful.
God don't close a door without opening a window. I have a 21 yr old who was just going crazy. By my sister taking control of my mom, this enabled me to handle my 21 yr-old. I can gladly say that now HE IS BACK ON TRACK. My X husband is even surprised at what son and I accomplished with love and understanding. There is no doubt that there is a God protecting and guiding us.
To run and don't look back would be a cowards way out, and I've never been known to be a coward. I've spent the last 4 days with my mom, not the nights days only. We've been gardening. When she starts to talk about things going on I just let her talk, I'm listening though but for the most part I know she is not being neglected and I know I will be there as well. Nobody can keep me from moms, nobody.
I started this thread by saying I think I'm done with my mom and sister but I've grown quite a bit since then. I'm not through until the man upstairs tells me that I'm through.
Can ya dig it?
Love to all of you.
We get by with a little help from our fellow caregiving friends and a lot of help from God. Prayers up - blessings down!
I had a man criticize me yesterday at the post office .. "Your dad should be home in a scooter!" Does he not realize that man (my dad) is immobile, craps his pants, and is overbearing...? He's being taken care of and that's what it takes... and we are using up all of his money (my brother's inheritance) til it's gone and Medicaid kicks in. My dad worked for it - it's his money.. so be it!
Have a great day!!
I say bravo to you. You are putting your foot down early on. I have come to believe whoever has monetary control should be the primary. If dear brother is all mighty and keeping the books, then dear brother should be made to understand that you will not pick up the slack, or pick up mom.
Do your thing girl. I'm proud of your stance.