I've given up 4 months of my life to take care of my mom. I put my life on hold, took family leave, neglected my sons, neglected me, neglected my friends, and just neglected life trying to take care of my mom since October while my sister never even took any time off.
My mother gave me DPOA Financial and it's been that way since October. I've taken care of everything with little help from my sister. Every time I take a break (3-4 days away) my sister would get sick and have to go to the hospital, as some of you know.
I have all my moms paper work and there is none at my moms house. There are different people coming in and out, caregiver, and she asked me to take it. Now this last week she'd been asking me to bring the paper work back. I finally said OK, knowing my mom cannot even READ now, she will look at something and can't read one thing. Her eyesight has been effected and the doctor knows it. Anyway I'll continue....everytime I am away for a while my mom starts calling me asking me a bunch of questions. I answer them then she calls back with the same questions again and again and again. Beginning Dem/Alz I realize this by reading from these posts. I also realize she's just a shell of the mother that was and although that in itself is very very hard to deal with, I've dealt with it continuing to go over and do what was needed to be done.
Everything that my mom needed I ordered. Everything that needed to be paid I paid. Everyone that needed to be notified I notified. I even alphabatized all her paper work and put it in a nice file cabinet and in a safe deposit box.
Keep in mind that my sister, her husband, and their 2 teenage kids live in my moms house yet I've been the delegated one so everyone else just kicked back. Anyway everytime I am gone for a few days when I return I feel like a stranger in my moms house and I feel my sister is busy undermining everything I do. Well here goes the killer!
Low and behold my sister convinces my mom to remove me as DPOA and make her DPOA. Can you believe it. But although I am very dissapointed in my mom I know she is being manipulated and handled but I am going to look at it this way.
They need not bother calling me when she goes to the hospital. I won't fill in. My mom need not call me when she THINKS no one is there with her, I will not respond. I will not answer my phone.
I have made myself sick, literally sick from all of this. I actually now know that one can become sick yourself just from doing so much for that "special parent". I do not plan on being sick anymore.
I've been complaining about my sister not doing anything for a while on line here but now the ball is in her hand and I am passing the batton on to her. She can have at it and I will become the complacent one. I will become the one that has been talked about and been called the deadbeat. I will take all this in stride, although I am hurting at the thought that my mom has agreed to this. I am truly hurting.
I'll allow about 3 days to hurt and then I'm gonna pick myself up, get back in shape, and get back to work. I'll let my sister take care of all of this and I will feel no shame about it.
Now don't think I'm not rulling out praying because after I finish this bottle of wine, I'm gonna open up my Bible and ask God to remove this malice I have in my heart. Gonna ask him to give me peace, gonna ask him to show me how to forgive and forget. Oh I'm gonna fall down on my face and pray because no matter what no one says there is power in prayer.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
;-)
Or ride on.. wheeee! and leave him at the slow pace of the post office - tee hee!!! I like amusement park rides much better!!! LOL!
Thing is - there was a long line at the post office and I shoulda listened to that little voice inside telling me not to go in- as it turned out, my returned package (my dad's pants, no doubt) was in a priority mail box and I had to repackage it and go to another post office later that afternoon so as to not pay the shipping costs again! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
As the family communicates to you, you often feel as if you are being manipulated by your mother and your siblings in an effort to hold you accountable and responsible for the care (financially, mentally, and emotionally) of your very sick parents.
There are days when you don't believe that your parents are sick until that moment when they repeat something 6-10 times or they babble some incoherent or irrelevant statement in the the middle of a perfectly logical situation.
You gripe, you complain, you search for answers, you pray, you gripe, you complain, you look for a sympathetic ear- someone who really understands what you are going through. In the end you realize that you have reached an impasse. Your parent isn't going to get any better. Members of the family don't want to give up activities, time, or other things that are dear to them. Once they pass the responsibility to you, you won't see them again unless it is absolutely necessary. Friends stop calling or coming over because they don't know what to do, what to say, and are often unable to communicate with, understand, or tolerate you sick parent(s). Ultimately, you find yourself saying "What do I do when I don't know what to do?"
Guess what? God really does become the answer. Not because he comes down and changes the pamper(s) , cooks the breakfast, or dishes out the medicine; but more because He listens and sends a song, a prayer, a verse of scripture, a moment of peace and contentment in the midst of the confusion (for dealing with a person with dementia is confusion).
You struggle with the tears, the temporary moments when your want to give up everything, break up everything, or even destroy everything because you have had enough and it seems like taking anymore is out of the question. Then suddenly, you reflect on the life and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and realize that He took an intolerable and undeserved punishment by the cruel hands of those who spit on Him, whipped Him, hit Him, and then saddled Him with a wooden cross on which He sacrificed His life for us who are unworthy and "deserving of nothing" (for all our righteousness is as filthy rags).
So I'm saying, cry, scream, yell, jump up and down, but don't quit, don't throw in the towel of life and when you think you can't take anymore- think on these things (For a sinner such as you and I, Christ died and rose again) . Get up, shake yourself, kick yourself if you must - it will be rough but don't you quit. Even though some days may be very dark and lonely - this test and trial didn't come to stay. It came to "PASS". Think on these things: if God be for us, He is more than the whole world against us- You can Make It!!! YOU CAN MAKE IT!!! YOU CAN MAKE IT!!!
It seems to be the same wherever you go and with whomever you talk to. Most families have been seriously divided or driven into conflict and chaos over this situation. First of all, it's difficult to watch the mother who was responsible for you deteriorate before your eyes.
As the family communicates to you, you often feel as if you are being manipulated by your mother and your siblings in an effort to hold you accountable and responsible for the care (financially, mentally, and emotionally) of your very sick parents.
There are days when you don't believe that your parents are sick until that moment when they repeat something 6-10 times or they babble some incoherent or irrelevant statement in the middle of a perfectly logical situation.
You gripe, you complain, you search for answers, you pray, you gripe, you complain, you look for a sympathetic ear- someone who really understands what you are going through. In the end you realize that you have reached an impasse. Your parent isn't going to get any better. Members of the family don't want to give up activities, time, or other things that are dear to them. Once they pass the responsibility to you, you won't see them again unless it is absolutely necessary. Friends stop calling or coming over because they don't know what to do, what to say, and are often unable to communicate with, understand, or tolerate you sick parent(s). Ultimately, you find yourself saying "What do I do when I don't know what to do?"
Guess what? God really does become the answer. Not because he comes down and changes the pamper(s) , cooks the breakfast, or dishes out the medicine; but more because He listens and sends a song, a prayer, a verse of scripture, a moment of peace and contentment in the midst of the confusion (for dealing with a person with dementia is confusion).
You struggle with the tears, the temporary moments when your want to give up everything, break up everything, or even destroy everything because you have had enough and it seems like taking anymore is out of the question. Then suddenly, you reflect on the life and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ and realize that He took an intolerable and undeserved punishment by the cruel hands of those who spit on Him, whipped Him, hit Him, and then saddled Him with a wooden cross on which He sacrificed His life for us who are unworthy and "deserving of nothing" (for all our righteousness is as filthy rags).
So I'm saying, cry, scream, yell, jump up and down, but don't quit, don't throw in the towel of life and when you think you can't take anymore- think on these things (For a sinner such as you and I, Christ died and rose again) . Get up, shake yourself, kick yourself if you must - it will be rough but don't you quit. Even though some days may be very dark and lonely - this test and trial didn't come to stay. It came to "PASS". Think on these things: if God be for us, He is more than the whole world against us- You can Make It!!! YOU CAN MAKE IT!!! YOU CAN MAKE IT!!!
AMEN, SISTERS! AMEN!
Thanks - I so needed that this morning!
HUGS TO YOU ALL!!!
I do not live in my moms house, my sister does. Together we have one main caretaker, and stand by caretaker, and my sister and I pick up the slack. It has really become a team effort and that is the only way OUR situation worked out. My sister realized she couldn't do it alone, as did I. In the beginning I took on too much and did not have the sense to ASK for help and that fell on my ignorance. Shortly afterwards my sister realized the same thing however it was still a few months before we came together. Now I still have the choice of whether to pick up my phone, or not. I also still have the choice to say Yea or Nae. There are times when I just do not want to go there.
I am not an expert here as you have people that have been caretaking much much longer than I, however I will tell you that whatever you do will not go overlooked. What you do is for your mom and no one else. Too hell with your siblings if they don't want to help, just do you. Now this is easily said, and harder to do but I am sure your children give you plenty to do.
About the home with all the "black" staff, I don't really understand your sister's logic on that however if you felt your mom was becoming more and more depressed and YOU felt it necessary to remove her, then so be it. Maybe that would have been the perfect opportunity for you to let HER take over.
Good luck to you and please keep us posted, we're all praying for you and I'm sure you've met some wonderful people here.
DO NOT WEAKEN! STAY STRONG. Sounds like sis put mom up to this. Do not go! They need to work thru this themselves. Remember, there are 4 able-bodied beings to your ONE! They will handle it. You need a break. You did your time. Who cares what OTHERS think of you...it's none of your business!
Also, I agree with the other poster about the papers. Keep the originals for yourself & send them a COPY. Also, if POA was changed I would ask for a copy of the new one.
"Be thankful for all that you have, as well as all that you don't have (that you don't want anyway!)"
Have a beautiful Thanksgiving holiday!
My brother tells me that I definintely got the worst end of this deal because now Mom can no longer entertain herself, can't remember who anyone is, but me and now calls me every day to tell me how bored she is.
Even writing that last sentence sends me into an emotional frenzy. I go from pity that she no longer has purpose, to dread that it could happen to me someday, to aggravation that she is bored while just keeping her (somewhat) upright and alive has become my main "hobby". I'm never bored. I spend too much time trying to figure out how to make her happy, when even I realize that it is not my job. But somehow we get pulled into it.
It's certainly frustrating that I spend so much time trying to figure out what Mom can possibly do (like cross stitch, puzzles, rug making, scrapbooking, and on and on and on), buying these things and trying to help her figure them out plus keeping her finances in order and insurance and conferences with her doctors and therapists and yet all that counts is when I'm sitting right there in her apartment with her. When I'm not there, she thinks I've forgotten her, when the truth is that she is never more than a minute out of my thoughts and I never go a day without taking care of some aspect of her care.
Yesterday my husband and I went to see her and I took everything she needed to cross stitch. She was so excited about it and it actually came back to her how to do it (however, today may be another matter). She was so content with both us us held hostage while she sewed.
When it was time to go, we walked her downstairs where there was a birthday party for residents with live music. The social director told me how much they enjoyed Mom. I looked at the schedule of activities and the social director confirmed that she was showing up for almost everything going on. Then several of the residents came up and talked to her and said how much they enjoyed being with her and I realized that just like her memory of her family is gone, so is her memory of having done anything 30 minutes earlier.
But, no matter, the guilt is unending although unearned. You try not to buy into the feeling that sacrificing yourself and your life is the only answer, but when they truly believe that you are the only one who can make them happy, it's hard to keep perspective.
My daughter keeps telling me to pace myself - let the guilt go and try to have as much of a normal life as possible now, because there will come a time when she really will need much more of me. While I can understand what she's saying - because this could go on for years, doing it is another matter altogether.
The social worker said, "This is your mother's life now. The only thing that could make your mother happy is to be 40 again - with a family and responsibilities of her own. You giving up your life is not going to make hers significantly better. Find a balance in what you can provide for her without giving up the other blessings in your life."
I wish Mom could remember that now that she's pulling on me even more than my grandmother pulled on her. Now all I can realistically hope for is that I can remember it if someday I'm unable to care for myself and my daughter must help me.
You do have a life too. You've been a caring and responsibile daughter. I know it is difficult to let go emotionally and quit "owning" all of the responsibility - I'm not good at it myself. But do what you can and try to let the rest go.
If this cross stitching becomes also a matter of making a gift for one of the more lonely residents, then she has a meaning. About a year ago, when Mom was finally without dentures, I made up the "kissy photo project" with the neighbors. I would bring mom over, dentureless. They'd make a big deal over her, with posed hugs and kisses (they do that anyway, no need to pretend). Big smiles. I made copies of photos, one set for Mom, one for them...and another excuse to visit. To make present of the photos. Take more kissy photos. Make more sets. another excuse to visit. More kissy photos...more printing sets...and on and on. Probably 6 times we did this. It worked.
Parlay one thing to the next. Go to her most active activity, and take photos, make prints and have her deliver them at the next gathering. Make a bulletin board for them perhaps. Something to get continuity in your mother's life THERE...without you so much.
Good luck,and hang in there. By the way, i am with mom 18 hours day, every day. Sometimes 24 hours day. She is totally dependent. We live in the same room, the living room. nine years now. Alone. For past 1.5 years, have had respite care 6 hours day, now 7 days week, but I am here 3-4 hours of that doing things here.
So...hardships are relative, I find. Some caregivers are pissed off when they have to interact with their parents once a week for a few hours. Some siblings feel put upon if they have to show up once every six months to help for a evening.
And, yes, hardships are all relative. We've been on this path for so many years, as well - starting with my father, who kept our whole world in an uproar continuously. Dealing with "just" my mother is nothing compared to six years ago. It was so tangled up that sometimes my brother and I look back now and laugh at all of the drama with all of the family members chiming in telling us what we should do, but not helping.
Someone should put the word out that if you can't help a caregiver, for pete's sake, don't criticize. Of course everyone on this site knows that already.
Thank you again.