The dreaded Holiday season is almost here.......just another responsibility for caregivers

You are not selfish! You had my vote when I read you work full time AND have a 7yr.old. You are wise beyond your years and your parents are luckier than they will ever know that you have come to this decision. What a well thought out plan.I am not being sarcastic, I applaud you. OMG! they can travel to Alaska but not to you? H*ll NO! I don't know what it is with this "Greatest Generation" because you could sure fool me.The unrealistic expectations and sense of entitlement,just astounding.My mother also thought holidays are supposed to always be Hallmark quality.After a 12hr. shift of death/dying/blood(I am a retired ICU/OR nurse) I didn't feel very cheery, and it was night shift, when my husband and I got home I begged my mother to please just let us go to bed and we will do Christmass this afternoon, we will be rested, OH NO! that wasn't going to do at all..After that cmax am my husband and I always made it a point to volunteer to work the holidays(we don't have children) so that other co-workers that do had kids could be off,it was our little "excuse/lie" to get out of spending the actual holiday with them.

This thread struck a cord with me, although I am not a full time caregiver - I'm a "one-weekend a month" caregiver. I think this struck a thread because I just had the annual fight with my mom and my in-laws over holidays. it happens around Halloween every year. 2 out of 3. Not three out of three because I didn't call my dad and stepmom yesterday. I used to hate the holidays.

This will be a long post - get some coffee and sit back. I know I will get a lot of criticism, but here goes. I work full time and have a 7 year old son. My parents are divorced, live 4 hours away. My in-laws live across the country. Their generation has TOO MANY EMOTIONAL EXPECTATIONS OF THE HOLIDAYS AND WE CAN'T LIVE UP TO THEM. When I was growing up, our families took turns hosting holidays and I don't remember fights. It didn't matter if my mom had the dinner at 1pm or my aunt at 3pm or grandma made her stuffing this way and aunt Mary another way. The families got together and enjoyed each other and if someone had to come late or leave early to see other family, no big deal. But these were people who all lived in the same town and saw each other several times a week. The holiday was a fun get together, but no emotion around it.

Fast forward 30-40 years. We are expected to travel every holiday on the holiday (not before, not after, ON). No one cares that I have to work the Friday after Thanksgiving - my dad/stepmom and my mom demand that we spend 8 hours in the car to come up for Thankgiving and then 4 weeks later for Christmas and then another 2 weeks later for my dad's birthday. My in-laws do not care that flying to them involves three winter airports and we ALWAYS get snow delays or cancellations somewhere. WE have to travel even though they are all retired, and with the exception of my dad, in good health. They can go to Alaska or Branson, but NO WAY will they travel to us for the holidays. And when we do travel, it is not good enough because we don't stay long enough or we see both my dad and mom and they still hate each other 25 years after the divorce and complain long and loud that we will see both of them.

My generation is no better - only the battles are not about who travels when but the food. Between 5 siblings and their spouses, someone is gluten free, vegan, diabetic, free-range meat only, raw veggies only, etc and seem to expect that the meal will be tailored around their particular need. They can't bring anything to eat of course. And all through the dinner - comments about poisoning our kids by giving them gluten or non-organic or whatever. It is a religion and they are on the soapbox over and over and over all through the dinner.

so, why do I no longer hate holidays? five years ago my husband and I were driving back from another Christmas dinner, in a snow storm, bickering (which turned into a full blown fight at home) and our son was stressed and wailing in his car seat - can't think why he didn't enjoy 8 hours in the car that day! We had to be at work the next morning, but that weekend we sat down and asked ourselves why the hell we were putting ourselves and our son through this E V E R Y Y E A R. Because we pleased no one, we decided to please ourselves (yes, this selfish younger generation who doesn't appreciate FAMILY). We do NOT travel for Thanksgiving any longer. We go up between Thanksgiving and Christmas ONE TIME to see mom, stepmom, dad and stay home at Christmas. Christmas is spent going to Christmas mass, having a quiet and nice dinner the three of us, opening a few presents in our pajamas on Christmas, playing board games, and having an open house Christmas afternoon for friends, family, neighbors who want to stop by. We go to see my in-laws at Easter or summer. My parents generation HATE IT and we fight about it every year, or at least they try. WE say "this works for us and if you keep on about it, we won't come at all". BUT, WHEN WE GET TOGETHER WE ARE HAPPIER. We bring the dinner up between TG and Christmas so no one elderly has to cook a 2nd time (sorry mom, you can't hold that over us any more) and they are delighted with the new things they might never have tried. "you younger generation are so creative and adventurous! this is great" VS "why did you make the pie that way you know we always.....". We are more relaxed and have time to enjoy each other without all of the emotional baggage. AND when I get together with MY generation - gee, the ones with food-religions bring food and shut up about it. The meal is more relaxed and we talk and laugh and no one is on their soapbox about gluten free pie dough.

So, that is my rant. I know many of you will think we are selfish. It works for us and my son enjoys being with family when we see them and the holidays and hears about pilgrims, and the angels, and wise men, and Jesus in the manger and enjoys the wonder of the holidays. That to us is what it is about.

But every year at this time, my parents generation fight with us about it again......

Have tried writing twice and give up. Dreading the holidays. Enough said.

What holidays? Just another day for me & husband

Tried that, Babalou. Mom still holds on to the tradition of what family should be and the things they should do. Going to Cracker Barrel is off her table. I do know what my personal tradition is going to be on holidays in the future. Sleep late and have leftover pizza.

Jessie, when they say "whatever you want to do" tell them what time you'll be at Cracker Barrel and that it's separate checks all the way. Take the bull by the horns!

JessieBelle, just curious -- why can't you be at Cracker Barrel on Thanksgiving? Ask relatives who will be joining you (each family paying their own way) so that you can make reservations. It seems to be up to you, so why aren't you doing what you want? (This is a serious question, so I hope it doesn't sound critical or sarcastic.)

There is nothing better than gathering a many generation family around the dinner table. But why wont the younger generation reciprocate? I love to cook and host, but darn it, I would like to be asked to come over to someone (anyone) else's for a meal. (Crock pot, sandwich, whatever!) Mini rant over .....feel better now...kind of

Yes cwillie... Now that you mention it... It's an end of an Era really. Sadly, the majority of families have a different definition of what 'family' is suppose to be like. There's a lot of selfishness, disrespect , arrogance, etc going around. I can't grasp this but gave up... Very, very sad.

I think in a lot of families once the matriarch/patriarch are unable to co-ordinate the family gathering nobody really knows how to fill the gap, and often there is a sigh of relief that the annual holiday gathering with extended family is a thing of the past. I expect it will be just mom and I this Christmas as it has been for the last several years. I will be hosting Thanksgiving however (much earlier and less of a big thing in Canada) as it is the only way I can persuade the family to come and spend a day here.

Golflady, I'm not sure what kind of initiative you expect from your mom, surely it is not up to her to call around begging for a place at your siblings table but up to them to invite her!

I think that's my idea of really enjoying any day Windyridge... Sit in a restaurant (ambiance is a big plus for me if possible... doesn't have to be expensive), sip on a nice drink with nice company... or,by yourself!... A great relaxing getaway!

Holidays........BAH HUMBUG! I'm going to go out with my Jewish friends and eat Chinese food for Xmas!

I used to love the holiday also then as the years passed by while the same thing happened with me (siblings wouldn't step in and my mother wouldn't initiate anything... She didn't want to "interfere in their lives"!)... Anyway, I've found now that I just don't have the passion I once had for any holiday and have now 'accepted' that things that I thought 'mattered' don't matter any more. It's a 'weird' sensation being put into this type of caregiving role (when you are left to fend for yourself... and, your loved one)... You have to push and push... At least you have 1 alternative (your sister who had your mom last year for Christmas). Sometimes, there are no 'right' (or wrong) answers. You just have to make the best possible choice and go for it. The main thing is that your mother is safe and cared for.

For those of you who don't want to cook or clean for Thanksgiving in the USA, Cracker Barrel offers a full dinner at a reasonable price. I wish I could get my family to meet a Cracker Barrel.

I usually decide what we do on the holidays. I will ask others and get the, "Whatever you want to do" type answer. Of course, if we were doing what I wanted to do, we would do anything but having dinner at our houses. We would be at the Cracker Barrel on T'giving and eating cold cuts, cake, and candy on Christmas.

Funny I was thinking the same thing today about the holidays.. Football season starts and next thing you know it's Thanksgiving then Christmas..

I am dreading every minute of it.. (The holidays not football)!

I have cooked all the holiday meals for years and have tried to get others to come on TG or Xmas. No, they want to come the day or weekend after and then I get to cook TWO meals. One a sad little affair of our own....I like to invite other people who have no place to go, but after a couple times of sitting down with mr. narcissist, they do not come again. :(
So a couple of years I had yet another fantasy. I booked a casa in Santa Fe, planned to have a FUN time with just my hub and kids. Nope, had to cancel last minute cuz sibling just could not come and take care of father.
Golflady, forge ahead!

Mincemeat in MY fantasy Since I am the ONLY
one taking care of mom I will be in charge of that cup and the drawing of the name......LOL

CarlaCB it does bite. I see you can defiantly relate to the story. Its just sad how many of the same stories we hear on here time after time. And then these siblings wonder why WE have turned so darn cold.

Oh Mincemeat I LOVE that Idea !!! lol I know that wont happen but now I can fantasize !!

Wow, Mincemeat, that drawing is a good idea! Golflady, I know the problem. I wrote a post to this forum last year entitled something like "Siblings dropped the ball on Christmas Day" because nobody had invited my mother for Christmas dinner or even thought about a plan for her. I was living 90 miles away at the time and had planned to go home after the Christmas Eve get-together but then stayed behind at Mom's house to throw together a Christmas dinner for just the two of us so she wouldn't be alone with no dinner. It seems it's always the way, one sibling takes the initiative and the others don't give it a second thought. My two older sisters both live within 3-4 blocks of my mother - one of those was going to her daughter's family's home for Christmas Day; the other was staying home and cooking for herself and her husband but didn't think to invite my Mom (or me, for that matter, but I wouldn't have wanted to go anyway). It's a bummer to be the only one who bothers to focus on something as obvious as where Mom is going to spend the holidays. It bites big time.

Wouldn't it be fun to put everybody's name in a cup, just like drawing names for Christmas presents...and the lucky winner got to come get the elder and take them into their own home for the holiday. I used to fantasize about this! Hold your ground and good luck!