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For sure the cost is the one major negative, I toured a newly opened seniors apartment complex near here and they wanted $1200 a month rent and offered no amenities at all beyond being in a tourist town (a drawback IMO). Apts around here can rent as low as $600 inclusive. I fear I will never be able to afford the future I have planned :(
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I think one reason we can't pry our elderly parents from their homes is because their siblings and their own parents live at home until they were carried out.

I have a cousin who is in his mid-70's; he and his wife sold their own single family home and moved into a 55+ community because it got to a point where he couldn't take care of 3 large yards any more, his own, his Mom's who was in her 90's and his Mom-in-law also in her 90's. The gals refused to move. That is so unfair.
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Resonantly priced Senior's apartments are hard to find.
In my area, most of the senior focused housing is in senior residences. The seniors pay a premium price though it does include meals, laundry services and the like. Appears to me that these developers view seniors as a way to make big money. A 55+ residence close to me sells units which start in the low $300,000s.
There certainly is a great need for apartments geared to seniors.
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How 'bout the senior-citizen couples who stay in their albatross of a home way too long because one is ready to give it up....but the other is not. Among some aging and elderly couples, I've sensed a dynamic where hubby is ready to go, but wife is super-sappy about the home where they raised their kids, hosted holidays, yada yada. Also seen it work the other way, where wife wants to downsize but hubby is all "this is what I worked for." Heck, in some cases, hubby built the house with his own hands. There's a lot of emotion behind these decisions and non-decisions.

As much as my healthy, late-40s self yaps away on this site, I have a good chance of someday being on the butt-end of this stalemate. Our house is 85 years old and getting older. Steps galore -- inside and out. And winter every year, whether we like it or not. (We don't!) A few years ago, when sig other was laid-up for 8 weeks w/two major leg surgeries, we got a taste got of how unworkable this will be in our old age.

Me, I could give it up tomorrow. I do not identify with house-&-home things like so many women do. The upkeep and yardwork grate on me now. Taxes are highway robbery. I'm "young" enuf that we'll prob have to replace the d*mn furnace AGAIN before it's all over. A mile away is a senior-citizen hi-rise. Nothing fancy, but each unit has a balcony. Library next door. Bus stop at the front entrance. One block from major pharmacy chain, post office, bank and farmer's market. Three blocks from plaza with full-service grocery, gym, sub shop, casual dining, dollar store, liquor store, nail salon, SuperClips and K-mart. Where do I sign??!

But him. He's not sentimental, but he luvvvvs to do things the hard way. Annoying as the fix-its are at our house, he takes satisfaction in being capable. And if a repair or project took way too long, he wears it like a badge of honor. Also has our den, attic, basement & garage stuffed with his....stuff. Not exactly a hoarder, but he doesn't own one of anything. Some multiples are by design (many hobbies & outdoor pursuits). Some multiples are because is he is the most disorganized human on the planet. I really don't see him paring down.

It's a long-ish way off, but I will be very surprised if we resolve this before something unfortunate forces our hand. So I could very well be a AC Forum hypocrite in the making! It's complex. Will I be coerced into not "being myself".....or will he be coerced into not "being himself".....??? Food for thought.
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BlackHole, it sounds like fertile grounds for talking about what you're going to do. Life needs to be more fun when we get too old to enjoy maintenance. And those wonderful steps that are so cool when we're young turn into a hip-breaking thing or a question of Should we get a Lift?

You know, one thing I don't like about senior apartments is a lot of times they are high-rises. I wouldn't like living stacked like that, since I like a little space. I would gravitate toward the cottage style duplexes or quadriplexes built on slabs. Those are cool and sometimes you even have a little yard.
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Ha JessieBelle... Too funny...What's the difference if I pay private for help then pay at the Senior / Assisted living.. It's all costly...
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Yes, we all seem to be coping in many different ways, this site is wonderful, I have been taking care of my 86 year old mom who has Parkinson's and dementia......and the last two years have been joyous and heartbreaking......a year ago my brother passed he came every wed...to help....I thank God for the time he and mom had, I miss him....my other brother and his family stopped coming to see my mom or even call her since April, I doubt they will even bother to see me or my mom during the holidays, my niece stole jewelry from my mom so she could sell for cash...needless to say she is no longer welcome in our lives along with my brother and his family, I do thank the lord have one brother who comes over faithfully every Sunday along with his son usually......so I Campanella go shopping for the week and we do manage to arrange holidays to spend with my mom and me, yes I feel alone...I am 59 years old, not married taking care of my mom 24/7.....I feel your loneliness Brian and everyone on this site......how do I cope I pray a lot.....I tried a few of the local support groups but none where the caregiver is 24/7.....I find this site extremely helpful as many are in same situation as I am....things seem to be getting better with my mom since I fired all her doctors and started taking her to geriatric clinic where all the doctors combine there treatment together.....since I have done this my mom is now off narcotics which were only adding to her problems from horrible side effects....here I go wandering off subject....I have also been fortunate to find a daycare facility that offers six hours free from government grant this has been great help even though my mom really does not like to go.....however another post was having the same situation and I found many helpful suggestions.....these are all small things but gives me relief to know that I have options with my moms care.....my brother....God rest his soul....used to tell me now I know what it's like to have kids....not quite the same since my kid is full grown adult.....who talks, has an opinion not always what I want to hear.....but hey it is my choice to have her here...she does not want to be in nursing home...so I am doing what I feel is right for her.....she gave me 18 years of her life to take care of me it's the least I can do for her.....
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Sometimes, I feel like I am riding a roller coaster with my emotions going up and down and all over the place. Maybe, this is a long lesson in coping with life and death issues. There have been a lot of ups and downs lately where I am faced with the reality that my wife's life is coming to an end. 911 calls, ambulance rides, ER visits, hospital stays, horrible, stressful experiences that appear to put her on the brink of life itself. And, then recovery and back to somewhat normal with a medication change here and there. I start to prepare myself for the inevitable and then put all those feelings aside and replace them with hope. It's a crazy way to live but I guess we are living in the moment. It is hard to make any plans or decisions other than just living day to day, which turn into week to week and the months go by. Anyone else feel this way?
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I'm really feeling defeated today. Husband was diagnosed with Frontal Temporal Dementia in March of 2014. I've been caregiver to my 41 year old son with William's syndrome since birthday. Trying so hard to be their caregiver and "cheerleader". My husband's moods are getting very hard to deal with. He is on antidepressant and Namenda. He has a neurologist, family doctor and an appointment with geriatric doctor coming up. My son has diabetes and isn't cooperating with his diet. They are both stressful and run me ragged. I will post more later today. I have to get ready for husband's doctor appointment. Have wanted to start conversation for weeks but always deleted it. I'm starting somewhere and thought if I at least post this much I've broken the ice!
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Josh's,
So sorry to hear about your wife. None of us can escape this stage in life, but we can help support one another and try and take care of ourselves knowing you did the best you can. I'm sure sh knows this and has been so lucky to have a wonderful husband like you. Yes, it's all difficult but we're here for you. Sending you Blessings at this difficult time for you. Please keep coming back here and let us know how you are doing.
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Drat spell check... Not to 'Josh' but to 'gjsj...'
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jgsj... Above message is for you...
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phizphiz, please hang in there and know that you are not alone. Take it one appointment, one day, one medication at a time. Some days are just overwhelming and we need to just get through them. Do you have anyone to help you, family or friends that can pitch in? I hope your day gets better.
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heart2heart, thank you. I am having one of those days where everything is just too much, too big. Thanks for letting me vent a bit.
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How am I doing ? I'll tell you how I'm doing. I feel like I'm crashing down, I'm losing control. bills are getting backed up, may lose the house in feb .. I can't leave the house to enjoy MY kids or my Grandkids. The aids out there don't show up or spend their time on their time watching t.v. or texting so that's a waist of money I don't have plus it is very very expensive. I'm gaining weight and getting sick and stressed and If I didn't love my kids and grandkids so much, I would have drove my tiny crap car into a tree by now. I'm trying to work full time but I can't put all the hours in because my mother who has dementia can't be left alone. I get help during the day when I'm at work but from the min. I get home to the min. I have to go back to work I am her sole care giver. She spends the night moaning about nothing, yelling, screaming at the top of her lungs, cursing and hitting. Being cursed at all night long can take a toll a person. Being called a b*tch, prostitute, hearing I hate you, you're shit, and words I shouldn't type. She no longer understands me, nor I her. I do get help but no one can be here more than when I'm working, nor do they want to, they pretty much run out of here as soon as they can, which I don't blame them for, I wish I could run too. besides, everyone has their own lives. My mother has 2 sons and as soon as she started to not make sense, they bolted. Not that they helped in any way, or were even here. they called. Once I asked them to help split the time or to take her for 2 months, that ended the phone calls. There is no more Happy Birthday mom, Happy Thanksgiving mom, NOTHING, but I Guarantee you, they will have their dirty hands out when this crap of a disease kills her. The funny part is, they were both closer to her than I was. That's How I'm Doing.
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Sightseeing, big hugs. Have you talked to someone about getting Medicaid for your Mom? It sounds like she may be at a place in her life where she needs more care than she can get easily at home. I have the feeling that you need to lighten the load on your shoulders so you can get a little happiness back in your life. This disease and what it does to people and families is a cruel thing. We're with you on the group, whatever you decide to do. We know how you're feeling.
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jgsjhs and sightseeing ....,Jessie is right... So many of us feel all these things but somehow we make it through ... Life is really tough on us caregiver's that give our all and love so unconditionally. Somehow, we have to get-up, get-through, get-going, get-ourselves back together again... We have to because this is what life dishes us... You are wonderful, loving people who need to also take care of yourselves no matter what... Can you get anxiety meds, talk with clergy, a nurse, or a hotline? Anything to get you through... We are pretty aware of. Your situations here... We are concerned and love you... Keep writing here... Keep venting here... We're listening... Sending you both Blessing to see you through these trying times.
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Today is a better day and mainly because I chose to have a more positive outlook, as some of you great people have recommended. I wish I could always have a brighter outlook but sometimes it just seems to snowball. I thank God that I am able to provide care for my wife and that I just need to worry about today and try not to control the future. It is so easy to get caught up in every little issue and problem. Today is a good day and I'm thankful for all of you.
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Today is a good day! I second that.
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Well husband had neurologist appointment yesterday. We moved last August to be closer to my son and grandson. Thank God for them. My son is a help to me. Anyway the new neurologist said he felt my husband's dementia was due to mini-strokes. Hardening of the arteries. Vascular dementia. Old neurologist never mentioned that at all. New neurologist ran off copy of original MRI and sure enough that's what it says. Was told it was FTD. I was kinda blown away. He has my husband on Nemenda and Aricept. He is also taking Sertraline. My other son (41) with Williams Syndrome -also diabetes has been a handful lately. He had a choice to move or stay where we lived. He knows he is not capable of living on his own so I said he didn't have to move and we'd see about a group home. He said no way. He has it in his head he and his girlfriend would get an apartment. Okay....... but neither of them save money or make any kind of plan. If I remind him to save (he wants CD's - magazines-T-shirts-Wii-U) you get the idea, I'm the bad guy. I'm the bad guy because he moved. Even though he turned down the option to stay. My husband's moods and the fact I don't do anything right is wearing me down. I can't get away for a break because my husband pours and says things like I'll just go jump off a bridge then you won't have to worry about it. WHAT? I may have just asked if I could go to Ross to look for a few clothes I need! Past month I feel so beat down by both of them.
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I meant to say my husband pouts
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phizphiz, FTD can be one of the hardest to handle. Has his personality changed a lot. I've read that people can be like totally different than they were before. Wouldn't it be nice if when the personality changed, it would be to sweet and kind? It seems to always go in the opposite direction.

I just read about Williams Syndrome and it fit so well with what you wrote about the music. Is he as sociable as what I was reading? I hope he can find new friends. I know your life is a challenge, trying to meet everyone's needs.
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I am struggling with the same thing. It is hard to know that the end of this stressful experience ends with terrible grief. I find it hard to stay positive and live in the moment. I am lucky in that my mother is an optimist. Every day she finds something she enjoys whether it is a cup of tea or a piece of candy, (She has heart failure so her mind is still pretty good). I keep telling myself that today it is ok and sometimes that helps. Naps help too whenever possible. Friends don't understand this kind of stress if they haven't been through it. If one more person tells me I need "to take care of myself" I think I will scream. Of course I would if I could. It is just hard to juggle my mother's needs and hiring people to come into the house and stay with her. First finding a good person is hard and even when I go out I am afraid the phone is going to ring. UGH, not easy. I feel for you and everyone else who has responded here. This is the hardest thing. Seeing people you love go thru hardships and not being able to have your own meaningful life makes it so difficult. Sending strength to all... I think we all need it!
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I WAS doing well it had been a not bad day then came bedtime. Well 10pm came and went and Mum vehemently refused to have a wash. She wanted her foot spa. So we did that and then the massage of her feet and legs now 10.30 and nope it was too early for a wash. Bear in mind she had been calling me in for this or that every 20 minutes most of the day and I have to be honest my patience was wearing a little thin. 11.00 nada and she threw a tantrum ...my patience went so I laid down on the floor thumped my hands up and down on the carpet and whined I don't wanna go to be yet its too early, Mum smiled and then had a wash and went to bed like a lamb ........Frustrating but a good end to the day - however it is 2.50 am here and I have been in 3 times to her with the I can't sleep conversation - well she might if she didn't doze on and off all day - well I don't sleep at night. Well thats ok then ! but when do I sleep?
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I've been receiving emails from AC for a while but never bothered to open it do to zero free time but this week I opened it to find such a wonderful supportive group of people. Thank you all so much.
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JesseBelle I just had a chance to respond. Had 2nd appointment with my husband's new neurologist and he said my husband has dementia due to several small strokes and overlapping FTD. He has always been pretty easy going but also through 32 years of marriage kind of selfish not letting me go with a friend for example. He would go hunting or fishing with his buddies for weeks at a time. So keeping me isolated is not really new. I haven't been sleeping well lately and last night I got up and there he is. I was googling dementia to learn more about vascular dementia. He says "What are you doing? Texting everyone?" I said you mean all my friends. I just have one. No I'm looking at recipes. Next thing he does is go get dressed and is all bent out of shape. I explained that I just needed a little time to relax and try to be able to sleep. Then the rants began. He always says he's sorry. As for my son he has always been very social. But the past year or so more agitated and just not quite the same. I'm wondering between the move and my husband's dementia he can't process everything. My husband is his stepfather. I've had him in counseling and need to make another appointment with our new primary doctor. I'm hoping when he starts working again and meeting people that will help. He loves roller skating and I take him 3 nights a week. He has made a few new friends there. I wonder a lot about my husband's behavior and how much I'll be able to handle. I realize I might have to make some hard decisions. Hugs to all the caregivers!
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I'm sorry but FTD is a new abbreviation to me. What does it stand for? Thanks
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frontotemporal dementia
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phiz phiz, you sure have your hands full with TWO people who need you to do the straight thinking for them. You are their rock, and of course they both wish that they didn't need someone to be that for them and like to imagine you as villain instead of savior. God Bless you!
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Stressful day. Spent a lot time crying today. I do that from time to time. I'm so afraid someone is going to see me. You would think it would help, but it doesn't. When I think, ok, I got a good cry out, I'm ok to be seen in public. I get up and here comes the water works again. Today I Left work early, again. I'm losing more and more money every week. I have one week to save my home from a tax lien. Taking care of mom is soooo expensive. Especially with 1 salary, Living on Long Island. Today I left work early because my daughter, who takes care of my mother for me while I'm at work, text me to say that my mother, who has dementia, was banging on the window screaming and fighting with her. When I got home I find out my mother hit my daughter in the face, twice, and scratched her arm. Right in Front of my 3 year old granddaughter. I try talking to her doctors about giving her something to help calm her down. Anything we've given her before, doesn't work. My daughter is here every day. Moms not violent every day but when it happens to my own daughter who's just trying to help, I Get angry at my mother. I know she doesnt know what she's doing but I'd get angry at anyone who would hit my daughter. When I got home, my daughter look like she was going to cry. I feel terrible putting my daughter through this.
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