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I'm caring for my 90 year old Mom w Dementia. I work part time & hire 2 aides to be there...1 till I get home & another till she goes to bed... by 8pm. I get very little thanks & appreciation from Mom. I am not perfect & so I remind her that I could have left her in the nursing home. She was in there 9 months. I did renovations in the house so that it would be more accessible & comfortable for her. When I remind her I didn't have to take her home & could have left her in nursing home, she responds with she can put me on out on the street because it's her house & she paid for it. She forgot it was transferred to me so nursing home couldn't get it. What can I do...just try & ignore it. She can't do anything for herself or walk or even stand. I bought lifting machine for her to go from bed to wheelchair & commode. She says she don't need anyone to take care of her & is independent. Most people told me to leave her in nursing home , but I listened to her cries of, I want to go home". She some times don't recognize the house & says she hates this place & wants to go home. To the apartments she lived in 60 years ago. There is no way to please her & she won't be happy anywhere. I've done all I can. She didn't take her mother (my grandmother) out of nursing home to take care of her when she was sick but I did for her. My grandmother died in nursing home. Good luck 😇
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CaregiverL,
Sounds like you are doing your best to make sure she is happy and it is no fault of your own that she is not. Hard as it is, you can't take it personally, let her comments roll off your back or make a joke out of it, I make sarcastic comments to my Mom when she say's or does something ridiculous until she starts laughing. The same joke may happen over and over but I have to remember her memory is not longer than a minute with somethings. I won't say somedays I still feel like banging my head against a wall and screaming but I know things are not going to get better, they will get worse. So, my survival is to A) Don't take it personally. B) Joke about her ridiculousness. It does no good to do the "tit for tat" as it is a waste of time. Both of you end up getting upset. You did the right thing by not letting the Nursing Home be able to take her house away for financial leverage and you are also making sure she is being attended to. Let's face it, getting old can really stink and it's hard to come to terms with other people having to help you do the very basic things necessary to make it through the day. I would be crabby too (and I am sure I will be) if I live long enough to rely on others, and I pray I don't live that long! 😉 Hang in there, I find laughing saves the day so it is imperative to turn things around with a silly response!
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Its not fun..dad has to have the heat on 80..always complaining..i hate to get up in the morning and listen to all the negitivity.and sit here and sweat..i sit up at night awhile after he goes to bed turn the heat down open windows.and relax and have peace and some time to myself.and i put a recliner in my room..opened my window,turn the fan on and watch t.v.until he yells and needs something. And sit and just shake my head say why me..my sister and her kids wont help.i dont get any pay.no life..but somebody has to do it..
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Its hard.my sister.buys new cars,goes on vacations.enjoys life comes for less than a hr.visit..to complain and thinks she,s god..but she wont help out..im here to help my weak dad with one leg 24/7. I work in the shop here on cars..when i can for a little income..it really makes me mad..that she would just throw him in the nursing home and i get no appreciation..im just homeless bum with my motorhome in the driveway..wishing i could afford to use it and had help so i could get away.have some time to myself for a change..she says i live here..thats your pay..then tells dad im living off him..if i was heartless like her i would have put him in the nursing home.and took the job for $20 ahr.i was offered..and buy new cars and toys and go on cruises and vacations like her..but thats not what my mom and god in heaven would want..
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Bummerlife,
You are not alone as you can see from many others on this site that share similar fates. I can completely understand how you have had to give up your life and your paycheck to care for your Dad and not just shove him into a nursing home. I also have two brothers that have painted me in a similar light and have no clue what it's like having little money because you cannot work a normal job anymore and have ZERO freedom. They think we are mooching off our parents and feel we SHOULD be doing everything because we live with them. That allows them to feel justified in doing nothing at all and go about their lives with freedom, vacations, money from their jobs and having social lives. My mother chose me to live with and be her caregiver and that just brought out the worst in them. I did not talk her into it, I would have been fine if she had chosen one of them over me. They would have put her in a home and she would have been broke in less than 8 years (especially in over priced California) and then what? She also spent her life as an RN working in those very facilities and they were fine thinking she should just go back and be a resident this time. Cruel. Well, it has certainly been revealing of their true nature and when Mom does pass, I want nothing more to do with them.
You are not alone. Try to keep remembering no matter what your sister say's, you ARE doing the right thing and you have a good heart for the sacrifice you have chosen to make. Please do try to care for yourself as much as possible, hard as that seems to be, it is critical or you will end up compromising your own health in the long run, even if it means getting a caregiver for a few hours of respite once a week or whatever is necessary for your own sanity. 😊
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You're a good son Bummerlife... Siblings can be so cruel and yet, I do believe underneath they regret it and are unhappy with themself. I wouldn't want to be like them, eh? They can throw digs, so be it... Money isn't everything... it doesn't make a person happy.  Be proud of yourself for who you are and what you're doing... You're a great human being! :)
💓
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Some days up,some days down; ( I care for my disabled husband, & I'm disabled also. Today he's mean,& I don't know what to do! ! Oh well tomorrow will be better.
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I don't know how I found this site... I was just looking around and happened upon it. It seems like a God send! I take care of my 86 year old mother with my 46 year old son... I am 65. I'm retired since 59...my health declined with a slow growing Neuroendocrine cancer and immunodeficiency. My mother moved in with me around 2004. She was in good health, but said she was "lonelying away" living by herself. My husband and I were the winners. Our life was never the same...long story short...my husband left in 2006...he could no longer take the abuse. My mother was always a caring, giving loving person. She drank too much back then. My son an I bought a house together...he was divorced and had moved in the leased house when my husband left. My mother had declined over the years by naturally aging...my illness has decline over there years, my mother has dementia and has been as abusive to my son and​myself as she was to my husband. The last year or two or three have been horrible...my life was stolen when she moved in. If not for my son I would have been dead love g ago. My younger provides financial support, but distances himself. We are all financially independent but the money gives us a I guess higher standard and no concern for any great financial need. But my older son and I feel pretty much thrown off the boat. We can't travel or do anything away from the house for more than a couple of hours... She gets around with her walker, wears depends that I change, grips about everything, won't eat or drink anything that is not given to her. We allow her a beer about every three or so days. Relate to this site so much... I thought I was losing my mind! Thank you so much for this site, I will show it to my son...to relieve our often feelings of helplessness in dealing with this person we seldom recognize anymore!
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The same! So glad to see your post...you put it so better than me... I'm afraid there are no answers or solutions... I just know I would have said flat out no if I could go back. I try to not go there because living with regret is painful. I take one day at a time and do everything I can to act positive and friendly. It seems to rub off on her some... It's still horrible though...
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"My younger provides financial support, but distances himself. We are all financially independent but the money gives us a I guess higher standard and no concern for any great financial need. But my older son and I feel pretty much thrown off the boat. We can't travel or do anything away from the house for more than a couple of hours..." Your younger son shouldn't feel obligated to take care of his grandmother. Nor should you feel obligated to take care of your mother. I especially feel awful for your older son, who is as abused by your mother as you are.

If you are all financially independent, why isn't your mother taking care of her own needs and living either by herself with assistance or in a facility?

No, you can't go back, as you write, but why can't you go forward to a different and better way of life?
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Well, when I am able to cope, I do so by dancing twice a week while my precious angel daughter relieves me so I can. I also see friends at these dances at the local senior center and the American Legion. When I cannot leave, I take care of mom and then go isolate myself for a while, in my room. It is not much, but it does help some. I also suggest that anyone really struggling should consider keeping a journal, or do some creative writing, and reading a very intriguing book so that your mind can at least escape. I do feel your pain after caring for my mom for over fifteen years.
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Yes ... We (caregivers) definitely need diversions!... Good job Sybnann!... and, advise... reminder (when we get so wrapped up, we tend to forget ourself). Have a nice Memorial weekend!... And, thank you to the Military for their sacrifice and service!
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Yes it definately puts a strain on everything. Job, finances, freedom, marriage, exaserbates any dysfunction already brewing in a family, your own health and sanity, loss of your social life, no vacations, plans of your own retirement, usually because the task ends up being allocated to one sibling and the rest just duck out because they feel YOU have it all under control and they need not be involved. Friends dissapear because they don't want to hear about the b.s your life has now become. Yeah, it's a picnic. Oh yeah, always feeling you are on stand by for the next shoe to drop. Sorry, feeling kinda crabby today.
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Old codger, your post broke my heart. To think that she had driven you to the point of contemplating suicide is just so sad. I agree with everything you said: we do not have to die for our parents. Your honesty is heart wrenching. No one can judge unless they have been in your shoes. Just reading your post made me feel trapped and suffocated. That's how I feel around my mom. I have never felt that way raising and caring for my son. He shows gratitude for all that is done for him and he reciprocates with love. I would never expect him to take care of me. For as long as I am able I want to take care of him and one of the ways I plan on doing so is making sure I have money set aside for a NH or whatever care I need. Most importantly I want to stay as healthy as possible so I don't require his care. I can't do that if my mother destroys me with her demands. We cannot ruin ourselves caring for our parents because our children need us.
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I have been caring for my 87 year old mother for about the past 10 years or so. She has alienated my two daughters, they couldn't deal with living with her. We had to move into her house to help as it was all handicapped equipped. So now we constantly hear "This is MY house"...she has a dog that is terrified of thunder, she has literally torn the kitchen door to shreds (aluminum door) scratched the frame of the door, torn the wall apart in my mom's room, torn siding off the outside of the house and has to take Prozac to sort of cope. She has to be tied outside when we go away so she can't get to the house to destroy it further. My mom over feeds her, she is almost 40lbs over weight according to the vet. My mom is a hoarder, I do my best to keep things from building up too much but she finds SOMETHING to hoard. Now it is disposable underwear. She has so many boxes in the spare bedroom, and in three different closets in the house. She runs the electric bill twice as high as it should be, it constantly runs between $250-300 or more a month. She runs water, lights etc. for no reason. She washes her broom constantly, she will wash one item in the washing machine almost daily. I just replaced my $700 washing mashing machine with another $800 machine. I told her the sales people said with our hard water in Florida, it is not good to run them every single day. Doesn't matter, she does what she wants.

I make most of her doctor appointments, schedule transport for them, pick up her prescriptions, try to take her to stores (when she feels like going, then when she doesn't she gets mad when I can't take her) My brother lives in MA, he is supposed to be driving down her to get her for a couple of months, which is appreciated. But, he doesn't completely understand what I deal with. I have told him but he doesn't seem to believe me. She bad talks his wife (in my opinion, for NO reason, other than she is not happy unless she is miserable) She doesn't like my husband either.

I love my mom but I can't stand how horrible she can be. She has a parrot that is not in good health, she doesn't have the money to take him to the vet so she agreed to let me take him to a parrot rescue. At the last minute she changed her mind. I was very upset over this and she said he would die in her house because only she can take care of him and she didn't care if I never spoke to her again. That was pretty hurtful. I have done nothing but try to help.

I am bitter and angry that I am dealing with this. I work full time, I have a bad back and two years ago my husband hurt his back at work. He is dealing with worker's comp, and she yelled at him and told him he needed to get a job...which he can't of course. She was just recently at the hospital (she was fine, I think she is trying to find excuses for not going to my brother's for the summer) and she called me saying how horrible everyone was to her at the hospital. This is the same no matter where she goes. She makes everyone miserable. I am ashamed that I feel this way about my mother, but I can't keep dealing with it. I can't leave, especially now with my husband not working.

I am so tired of dealing with everything alone. My husband is tired of the way she treats me, plus he has to stay home and listen to her every single day.
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Why do most of us feel so guilty? I do too. It's like our parent becomes some czar and we become refugees? I know that's a gross exaggeration but why do we allow ourselves to get to the point where with out this site , we may feel more isolated and desperate ? We didn't give them dementia. We are doing more than we ever thought we would have to. Yet we continue in essence to put them first.
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Erin,
I think dementia is indiscriminate, kinda like cancer and some other awful diseases. No, we did not give them dementia but I am pretty sure it's nothing they would have signed up for either. Yes, we feel guilty, and I am sure it's partly because we remember all the things they did for us when we kids and even as adults, they make sacrifices when we need them. No, they aren't perfect, they probably made mistakes, just as we do. Now, we care for them, we get frustrated, maybe lose our composure from time to time. We feel guilty. Deep down beyond the frustration, we know they can't help their behavior. We have good days and bad days, just like they do but in different ways. Somedays we don't feel like dealing with helping our parent by repeating things over and over, watching them become more helpless and dissapearing before our eyes......it's painful. Somedays, you are blessed with a little more clarity from them where you catch glimpses of who they were prior to dementia. Good days and bad for both of us.
We feel trapped and unless we are wealthy, we are. We cannot afford to bring in outside help for respite or parent does not want it. We feel robbed of freedom, our careers and many other things. It's easy to feel upset and angry and it is not wrong to have those feelings. I really do understand. I got upset with her today for her stubborn, spoiled bratty behavior because I wanted her to quit relying on pills to go to the bathroom without difficulty, she rebuffed. Just trying to help. Breathe. Tomorrow is another day.
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Rainey. You said it perfectly. You are so right. I never have had to care for any one with dementia before. So this was like being in a twilight zone show for me . Your parent is normal , fine , fun for years and then. Wow. Atom bomb hits. But you are absolutely correct. We all do the best we can
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I wonder if any one shares this thought. When you have a baby , you change their diaper, feed them., wake up several times a night. Basically devote your life to his or her life. Child proof the house. You do all you can for your baby. You know the second you see this person , you would gladly die for him or her. So I guess my question is , since we are doing the same thing ,decades later for parents , why is it so much more stressful.
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I think for so many reasons we are more stressed (when caregiving)... We're older (wiser?), sadder, more compassionate/empathetic, scared (as, we're trying to be strong), dealing with siblings... ever-learning/researching... while we watch the clock tick and we sometimes feel helpless, as the world is going goofy... And, we're  trying.... trying to have some semblance of life as we pay the (never ending) bills and maintain our homes, cars, hair, teeth, health... (socialize?.... ha!)... buy groceries... cook.... dr visits... drive... check/fix the computer/gadgets so we're not hacked... drive some more...(try to 'protect' our parent (or?)... oh yea... go to our jobs (if we have one)... more driving... All of a sudden, we realize we're living the life of (at least) two people (us and the one we're caring for)... a balancing/tightrope act... sometimes too much to bear for one person... Whew!... Now, where's that beach?!
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Heart to heart. Agree totally. We are older. So much older. And the beach. We ll have it again some day
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Promise?!!!!.... Thank you Erin!!!!!...
🐠🐠🐠🐠🐠🐠🐠🐠🐠🌴
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Hope so. We aren't dead yet. Lol
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Oh, thank goodness!!! I was beginning to wonder!!!! 🤣
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Not yet. Lol
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Whew!... Let me know if anything changes Erin... 😜
Sleep well... 💓
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Erin,
A baby is so much easier than an adult! A baby is free of adult responsibilities, money, property, possesions, they are growing stronger and healthier and learning new things. Your parent has property, money to now watch, protect for them, pay their bills, they are going the other direction. Their bodies and or minds are failing, they are much harder to dress, give baths, transfer on and off toilets, chairs, beds. Makes a baby seem like a cinch! I decided not to have kids, because I did not want the responsibility. Also, I remember clearly the h*ll Mom went through with the 4 of us as teenagers. No thank you!!!! It was mayhem in our house growing up. Now my brothers are M.I.A when it comes to assisting Mom, so it's all me. However, they are sure to paint me out as the bad guy because Mom chose me to be her caregiver, they have no clue what life is like with her now. Guess there is another reason I am glad I did not have kids, I'd be bouncing off the walls in a rubber room now when the men in the white coats came to get me! LOL! I know there are caregivers doing both, God Bless them, I don't know how they manage it all.
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Heart2Heart,
My kindred spirit, you just nail how I feel and say it as if we were experiencing the same life. My Mom can't understand why I hate going shopping, it seems like everytime I leave the house, gotta go to the darn store for something. Food and drugstore for Mom, food and petstore for husband and I, food and drugstore for the little lady I do part time caregiving for, it's never ending! What an exciting life we live, the envy of all our (used to be) friends. They are out going to shows, trips, wine tasting, enjoying their lives, and we are at the grocery store, AGAIN! Woo hoo! Oh, and AMEN about the world going goofy, talk about the constant Twilight Zone seems like the new norm. I feel so old saying that but jeez, it really is getting so looney.
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Rainey...You have (all) that right!... So many people around me.., 'friends', neighbors, relatives.... have/are going on the trips I dreamed of at this point in my life. I did squeeze (literally) a trip to Poland Sept 2015 and a trip to Daytona before that, but I can't leave my mother at this point... oh well... I also think God spared me the pain I may have 'suffered' with having children, because I'm so sensitive and I think in this world I would have worried myself to death (so, now it's the 'cargiving' that'll do me in). Anyway, that's the way it is, and I'm fine with it. Not everything is for everyone... eh? I hope you can squeeze in something good and out of the ordinary for yourself to make you happy... I've been in the garden and forcing myself to get out with (my few... you know... caregiving took care of the 'other') friends, even if for an hour or so. Well... time to try and get some sleep... I wish you s w e e t 🍰🍉🍒🌽🍇🍓🍭 dreams... We'll chat again soon... 😘
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Rainey. It truely depends on the baby. Lol. Mine didn't sleep through the night till she was 8. But. Yes I understand. Babies come with nothing except potential. No property. No money. Just promise for hopefully a great future. We were once their babies. And I guess I was trying to say that I wish I had the same love and patience for my mom as I did , still do, and hopefully always will have for my daughter.
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