Hi AC Forum,
I feel like I run the gamut of emotions on a weekly basis. I think that is a difficult side of this caregiving. Not being able to fully satisfy - or not being able to satisfy for what should be a normnal period of time. And on the same token know that each day you go down this path you just running to the finish line.
It's the craziest and horrible life as I am not able to live my life, yet I have a hard time thinking of my mom living with less. Also not being the face of which she says to at first seeing her and asking her how she is, "Better now that I see you!" Knowing that you are the comfort in their sight. Yet what it takes from one feels enormous - emotionally, monetarily, physically.
How are you doing?
LastOne
Just remember to cut yourself some slack dear, none of us are perfect. I grew up with the Irish Catholic guilt so it's kind of a way of life, LOL! Just a bit of perspective and empathy can get you through rough spots sometimes.
I never dreamed that my mother's personality and abilities would change so much AND I'd be her lifeline.
Longer ago than I realize(ed), Mom was deliberately covering up and whitewashing her early issues. As mom's undiagnosed disorder progressed, some of her weird accounting was "actually" true in her mind.
I mistakenly thought I was dealing with a competent (albeit quirky and increasing self-centered & difficult) adult. That ship had sailed.
Mom and I were living in 2 different worlds -- in every sense of that phrase -- and it was all on me to adapt to her world. She sure as h*ll wasn't adapting to mine. Couldn't if she wanted to.
We caregivers are constantly playing offense AND defense in someone's else's alternate reality. It creates a stress that we can't "leave at the door."
[And no, I didn't live with Mom. So technically I'm on the wrong thread. But thought I'd chime in.]
I'm actually on vacation this week. Vacation just means I'm not going to work. I'm at home. I can't afford a vacation nor could I go without having to take my mom since none of her other living children would take her for me. So, I've been sleeping all week, when she sleeps. That's vacation for me.
I can relate to the fatigue and overload feeling. I do not have an outside caregiver, Mom would run out of money quickly and I am far from wealthy enough to afford it. However, I also notice that I am also going through (my pre-change of life) which has greatly affected my energy, mood, occasional hot flashes and lots of other annoying things. I don't know how old you are but if you haven't gone through that lovely stage yet, could be part of what is making you even more miserable than you would be under the already trying circumstances you are in. I am often wiped out with crashing fatigue, my normally clean house gets put on the back burner because my energy literally goes to zero. This has really ramped up in the last few months. My emotions are much higher now, like constant PMS symptoms, crying more, irritated easily, overwhelmed. Sometimes it's hard to figure out because we are living stressful lives with a lot of responsibility so is it caregiver burnout or the change of life or (gulp) both! I know I am dealing with both which makes it so much worse. I remember when my Mom went through it, she was working full time as an RN and raising 4 kids still. She would freak out over the mildest things and us kids would be looking at each other like, "What the ????" Totally over reacting to stuff, crying, etc. We finally figured it out. I cannot take hormonal pills because I get even more unpleasant side effects so I just have to roll with it and pray to God it does not get drawn out over several more years. I loved to garden, now no energy, any chore I must do, I get wiped out afterward and my body hurts for it. I must be careful what I decide to take on now knowing the price I will pay after. Doesn't make the caregiver responsibility any easier and you find yourself wondering how much longer can you keep this up, right? No breaks, no vacations, just a never ending list of "gotta do this and gotta do that." I joked with Mom that I wish I could be on an Ativan drip. Hang in there and if you have already gone through peri or menopause, forgive my long winded guess. I can't think of a more trying time to go through the change than having to be a caregiver to our parent at the same time!
Just had one a few weeks back. The problem is in order for me to really benefit from them, I need to go once a week. I am sure you know they are not cheap and adds up quick. The last one I went to (this new spot close to home) offered more reasonable prices. I can say it merely scratched the surface of a mountain. What I really need is a hot tub with lots of jets! Eventually we will get one because husband knows I could really benefit but we have other things that are in critical need re $$, outside of house needs repair from rotton boards and needs paint.
I know that feeling all too well. I wake up feeling like a truck hit me but I have arthritis in my lower back and bursitis in both hips. That's why I pay for physical things I take on, sometimes just laundry, cleaning and vacuuming is enough to make me sieze up with pain when I am done. It sounds like you are internalizing everything, not good. I get it, I have run out the door and jumped in my car because I was afraid if I stayed one more minute, I would end up saying horrible things I would regret. You need to get it out somehow, scream into a pillow, cry your eyes out until you fall asleep, get a dart board, something, but don't let everything bottle up inside you or one day, Mount Vesuvius will eventually blow. It won't be pretty and the fall out will be far worse than if you just allowed a few steam puffs to escape every now and then! Way back in the day, if anyone pushed me after I gave my warnings, they got a taste of something they never quite forgot. So, I understand wanting to bury that. It was scary because it was blind rage.
Lastly, just for the heck of it, look up peri menopausal symtoms, see how many you can relate too. You are about my age too, I will be 48 this year. I have been going through peri menopausal symtoms for a few years already. I could say I fit most of them. I deal with doctors enough to tell you, they certainly don't know everything. I have diagnosed Mom so many times while they were scratching their heads!
LOL!!!!! Yep, I can't get away from it. You want a good laugh? I married an Italian and he is WORSE! He told me the Irish learned it from the originals, the Roman Catholics. So I grew up with (and she still tries) to guilt me and then, my husband does it to me! Example: I got super busy and forgot to pre-plan his dinner for when he gets home. He gets all upset and then exclaims, "Fine, I'll just make oatmeal, you don't care enough to think of me." *Sighs*
It is just a way of life.
The other day she thought I was stealing my own car.
I got the next flight I could and rushed to her side. Her face was horribly bruised and they had a C-collar to stabilize her neck. She was heavily sedated but during waking moments was angry, sad, frustrated and asked us to just let her go.
I stayed all night and all day with her in the ICU for almost three weeks (through the neck surgery), all night and all day through her six weeks of rehab with skilled care and then all day and night, six weeks in a nursing home rehab facility. All to try and get her mobile and able to perform her activities of daily living. She made little progress. Medicare would no longer pay, so we went to her home and had home health for six weeks. She was more comfortable at home and improved much faster in this environment.
I knew my nephew and great nephew would not be able to care for her and that I would have to take her home to California with me. She was extremely resistant so I fibbed to her and said it would be temporary until she got better.
To make a long story short (!!) She has now gotten calmer and more logical, even though she has no remembrance of the accident or how she was doing prior to it. She knows she has to stay with me as she has severe arthritis in her knees and is not steady enough to be alone. I was 65 when it happened and I knew I would have to quit my job to care for her. Even though it would be another year before I could get full SS benefits, it was something I wanted to do. Both of my brothers had Hemophilia and have passed away. There are no family members here but my son, who has to work. My husband is in prison, and my son stays with her on the weekend when I go to visit him.
Even though she has a bit of memory loss I can't explain why, but I am so happy to have this time with her and although I know I have some burnout and am not taking as much care of myself as I should, I am so happy to take care of her - it doesn't make me angry or sad. She is also very funny and we laugh a lot every day. She thanks me every day "for everything you do for me". She says she doesn't know what she would do without me. I promised myself and her a long ago, as did my son that she will never be in a nursing home.
I know it must be difficult for those whose loved ones have severe dementia or Alzheimer's, and I empathize and wish you peace and happiness.