Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
I don't know how I found this site... I was just looking around and happened upon it. It seems like a God send! I take care of my 86 year old mother with my 46 year old son... I am 65. I'm retired since 59...my health declined with a slow growing Neuroendocrine cancer and immunodeficiency. My mother moved in with me around 2004. She was in good health, but said she was "lonelying away" living by herself. My husband and I were the winners. Our life was never the same...long story short...my husband left in 2006...he could no longer take the abuse. My mother was always a caring, giving loving person. She drank too much back then. My son an I bought a house together...he was divorced and had moved in the leased house when my husband left. My mother had declined over the years by naturally aging...my illness has decline over there years, my mother has dementia and has been as abusive to my son and​myself as she was to my husband. The last year or two or three have been horrible...my life was stolen when she moved in. If not for my son I would have been dead love g ago. My younger provides financial support, but distances himself. We are all financially independent but the money gives us a I guess higher standard and no concern for any great financial need. But my older son and I feel pretty much thrown off the boat. We can't travel or do anything away from the house for more than a couple of hours... She gets around with her walker, wears depends that I change, grips about everything, won't eat or drink anything that is not given to her. We allow her a beer about every three or so days. Relate to this site so much... I thought I was losing my mind! Thank you so much for this site, I will show it to my son...to relieve our often feelings of helplessness in dealing with this person we seldom recognize anymore!
(2)
Report

Some days up,some days down; ( I care for my disabled husband, & I'm disabled also. Today he's mean,& I don't know what to do! ! Oh well tomorrow will be better.
(2)
Report

You're a good son Bummerlife... Siblings can be so cruel and yet, I do believe underneath they regret it and are unhappy with themself. I wouldn't want to be like them, eh? They can throw digs, so be it... Money isn't everything... it doesn't make a person happy.  Be proud of yourself for who you are and what you're doing... You're a great human being! :)
💓
(2)
Report

Bummerlife,
You are not alone as you can see from many others on this site that share similar fates. I can completely understand how you have had to give up your life and your paycheck to care for your Dad and not just shove him into a nursing home. I also have two brothers that have painted me in a similar light and have no clue what it's like having little money because you cannot work a normal job anymore and have ZERO freedom. They think we are mooching off our parents and feel we SHOULD be doing everything because we live with them. That allows them to feel justified in doing nothing at all and go about their lives with freedom, vacations, money from their jobs and having social lives. My mother chose me to live with and be her caregiver and that just brought out the worst in them. I did not talk her into it, I would have been fine if she had chosen one of them over me. They would have put her in a home and she would have been broke in less than 8 years (especially in over priced California) and then what? She also spent her life as an RN working in those very facilities and they were fine thinking she should just go back and be a resident this time. Cruel. Well, it has certainly been revealing of their true nature and when Mom does pass, I want nothing more to do with them.
You are not alone. Try to keep remembering no matter what your sister say's, you ARE doing the right thing and you have a good heart for the sacrifice you have chosen to make. Please do try to care for yourself as much as possible, hard as that seems to be, it is critical or you will end up compromising your own health in the long run, even if it means getting a caregiver for a few hours of respite once a week or whatever is necessary for your own sanity. 😊
(2)
Report

Its hard.my sister.buys new cars,goes on vacations.enjoys life comes for less than a hr.visit..to complain and thinks she,s god..but she wont help out..im here to help my weak dad with one leg 24/7. I work in the shop here on cars..when i can for a little income..it really makes me mad..that she would just throw him in the nursing home and i get no appreciation..im just homeless bum with my motorhome in the driveway..wishing i could afford to use it and had help so i could get away.have some time to myself for a change..she says i live here..thats your pay..then tells dad im living off him..if i was heartless like her i would have put him in the nursing home.and took the job for $20 ahr.i was offered..and buy new cars and toys and go on cruises and vacations like her..but thats not what my mom and god in heaven would want..
(1)
Report

Its not fun..dad has to have the heat on 80..always complaining..i hate to get up in the morning and listen to all the negitivity.and sit here and sweat..i sit up at night awhile after he goes to bed turn the heat down open windows.and relax and have peace and some time to myself.and i put a recliner in my room..opened my window,turn the fan on and watch t.v.until he yells and needs something. And sit and just shake my head say why me..my sister and her kids wont help.i dont get any pay.no life..but somebody has to do it..
(4)
Report

CaregiverL,
Sounds like you are doing your best to make sure she is happy and it is no fault of your own that she is not. Hard as it is, you can't take it personally, let her comments roll off your back or make a joke out of it, I make sarcastic comments to my Mom when she say's or does something ridiculous until she starts laughing. The same joke may happen over and over but I have to remember her memory is not longer than a minute with somethings. I won't say somedays I still feel like banging my head against a wall and screaming but I know things are not going to get better, they will get worse. So, my survival is to A) Don't take it personally. B) Joke about her ridiculousness. It does no good to do the "tit for tat" as it is a waste of time. Both of you end up getting upset. You did the right thing by not letting the Nursing Home be able to take her house away for financial leverage and you are also making sure she is being attended to. Let's face it, getting old can really stink and it's hard to come to terms with other people having to help you do the very basic things necessary to make it through the day. I would be crabby too (and I am sure I will be) if I live long enough to rely on others, and I pray I don't live that long! 😉 Hang in there, I find laughing saves the day so it is imperative to turn things around with a silly response!
(4)
Report

I'm caring for my 90 year old Mom w Dementia. I work part time & hire 2 aides to be there...1 till I get home & another till she goes to bed... by 8pm. I get very little thanks & appreciation from Mom. I am not perfect & so I remind her that I could have left her in the nursing home. She was in there 9 months. I did renovations in the house so that it would be more accessible & comfortable for her. When I remind her I didn't have to take her home & could have left her in nursing home, she responds with she can put me on out on the street because it's her house & she paid for it. She forgot it was transferred to me so nursing home couldn't get it. What can I do...just try & ignore it. She can't do anything for herself or walk or even stand. I bought lifting machine for her to go from bed to wheelchair & commode. She says she don't need anyone to take care of her & is independent. Most people told me to leave her in nursing home , but I listened to her cries of, I want to go home". She some times don't recognize the house & says she hates this place & wants to go home. To the apartments she lived in 60 years ago. There is no way to please her & she won't be happy anywhere. I've done all I can. She didn't take her mother (my grandmother) out of nursing home to take care of her when she was sick but I did for her. My grandmother died in nursing home. Good luck 😇
(6)
Report

I'm glad you were able to do some self-care on your birthday (fixing your favorite meal and baking bread -- mmmm.....can just smell it in my mind!).
(0)
Report

You're a WONDEFUL son John!...
All that balancing has to be very difficult and exhausting. I hope you can get in some good hours of sleep. Blessings to you and your mom...
😇🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹😇
(0)
Report

Mmm mmm. Fresh homemade bread. When you said that, the smell filled my mind. That is a treat all in itself. I haven't made any in years. Maybe I should pick up some yeast at the store.
(4)
Report

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes. I am stuck in the house, but I was able to make my favorite meal and bake a loaf of bread. Last night I told Mom that it was my birthday. She wished me a happy birthday, but she didn't link the date to her son's birthday. Later in the day she usually thinks I am someone who is hired to take care of her. In the mornings, she thinks I am her sister who died in 1972. She is 91 and has advanced dementia. She needs assistance in everything she does. I run through a lot of different emotions. It is very difficult, but in a way it is comforting to be able to take care of her.
(3)
Report

Happy BirthdayJohnk6749.
(1)
Report

MaryTheresa I don't know if this is the right thread to answer you on, but, YES, get her in a facility where they can care for her needs. You not only need a life of your own, you need to be free of the guilt. You have done everything you can. Sometimes our hearts are great guides and other times we need to listen to our heads!!! You Said 'we' are looking for a place. I hope that means that you have siblings who are helping you to get her placed in a nice facility. Dr.s are a good source of support, too!! God Bless You!! You will still be an advocate for her and be her daughter at the same time!
(3)
Report

Marytheresa don't feel guilty if she has "plenty of money" she will get good care and you will b happy AND healthy and available to visit if it was an option for us I would not b where I am as many of us are
(5)
Report

I care for my 93 yr mom dimentia. She is not the easiest to live with, has always been mean and rude. Have been doing this 3 plus yrs. quit my job so here all day with her. We are starting to look for a nice place for her she has plenty of money. So will not be a dump.plenty of guilt and like I failed. I am very tired and am starting to get very resentful.... my head tells me it is the right thing to do but my heart tells me to keep her at home. So scared of what to do:/....
(3)
Report

johnk6749, I too caregive my folks 24/7 to the point my life has been subsumed in their world. (My new normal.) Even when I take time to visit this site, one or both of my folks are with me, so...when I mentioned that one of the caregiver's birthday is today they wanted me to wish you a very Happy Birthday and tell you what a good son you are. (Granted my father doesn't know who I am 90% of the time, and they don't remember my birthday -- so I'm getting to live vicariously through their wish to you.) I hope you have (had -- it's getting late) a peaceful day, and, as JessieBelle wrote, I hope you're able to find some way to treat yourself!
(3)
Report

Happy Birthday John! Please know that you are not alone in this caregiving journey! It stinks that others in your (and our) family don't step up to the plate to help out, even if it's just now and then! I hope you have looked into Social services, to see if you might be able to get some Respite for yourself, as it is such a hard and lonely job, this caregiving! Especially when it's someone with dementia! My heart goes out to you! You take care, and try to find some joy in your life, even if it's just an hour here and there!
(1)
Report

Hi John... I'm so glad you posted on this site... Happy Birthday!!! 🌺🌷🌹💓 You are definitely not alone!!! We caregiver's understand and care very much!!! (We are all on this roller coaster ride of life). Try and live in the moment ... You are precious and a miracle of life that deserves happiness like any life!... I'm sure Your mother loves you, but like so many (including my mother) she can't express herself, especially when aging enters the picture... The day isn't over or your Birthday week/month... Do some really nice things for yourself... keep posting also!!!... Blessings and a Big Hug!!! You're very Special!!!
🍰🎼
(4)
Report

Happy birthday, john. I hope you're able to find some way to treat yourself today if only having some cake and ice cream.
(2)
Report

I cope one day at a time. I have been taking care of my mother for over 20 years with no help. In that time I have not had 1 day to myself. I have given up the idea of ever having a normal life. My mother doesn't know I am her son. Today is my birthday. It is a very lonely time.
(3)
Report

I care for my 93 dimentia/Alzheimer's mom. She is very difficult and just had an episode where I had to call the police she thought we were trying to kill her. I am so tired I could scream.my head tells me it's time to find a new CEO place for her but my heart tugs to keep her home.... I feel sick to my stomach....
(3)
Report

I pray a lot.I cry a lot.I smile sometimes.Rene
(2)
Report

Poorly.
(2)
Report

Dear Kfmw,
You are too young to have 'all' this stress on your shoulders. I once asked my youngest brother how he ever studied in a disfunctional family (after I left... he was left alone). He said when he studied he "closed his bedroom door" (he went on to get double degree with a Masters). I hope you can close the door (and, your mind) more often, so you can concentrate and focus on your life. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty (nothing you can do will change this situation with your mother and grandmother). I also hope you can go out with a friend (or friends) once in a while (make it once a week!), because you absolutely need a social network in your own age group for you to thrive and be healthy. As difficult as this all is for you, you 'need' to start a life of your own... step by step (but, start now). You have your life before you. It's your birth right... Be Happy... and, Best Wishes for a successful degree and career! Blessings.
(5)
Report

I am not coping well at all. I am 25 and am doing my college courses by distance. Nan is 93 and due to poor eyesight and an incurable broken arm caused by a fall, she needs 24 hour care. She gets up in the night alone and uses her commode, other than that she is completely reliant on myself, my mother, and the 3 1/2 hours of home care she gets a day. Because I am trying to do my school from home, the home care isn't much of a help, rather just another distraction. My moms brothers and sisters and some of the other grandchildren help a bit. Some of the family think they are helping by stopping in when ever they feel like it, but that is only adding to the distraction. My uncle encourages her to come to his house for the day on Saturdays, but she hasn't spent a night anywhere else since she moved in (December, it's now nearing the end of February). This is because she is most comfortable here, which I feel is incredibly selfish and unfair. She must realize my mom and I need a life too. She may be 93 but she's still very sharp, so I don't think it's beyond her to realize this. I do see her short term memory declining so I suspect she's got the beginnings of dementia. My mom is only home for a few hours in the evening due to her work schedule and I worry for her health too as she has high blood pressure. Nan sleeps with her every night and moms sleep has been suffering as a result. I also struggle with mental health issues of my own so this stress is not helpful. I am constantly worried about her, every complaint I take seriously (and believe me, there are plenty of those). But it is starting to annoy me, I am feeling resentful, which then causes me to feel guilty. I have expressed to my mom that I think it's time for her to go to a nursing home, as this is not healthy for any of us anymore. Mom says she won't last a month, which only adds to my guilt.
(2)
Report

Dear Rainey,

You are an amazing daughter. I can identify with so much of you what you are writing about. I know its hard being the strong one. The good one. And having your siblings dump everything on you. I'm so sorry. I know you are doing the very best you can. It is overwhelming. I hope you can find some respite care. And try to find some time for yourself. My father has since passed away but reading other's stories has given me comfort.
(1)
Report

Heart2heart,
*BIG HUGS* Thanks for understanding and validating my feelings, sorry you have experienced the same thing, yeah we will make it, one way or the other, we will survive. I try to listen to what my body and mind tells me now my body is telling me to climb in bed, read a book and escape for a while. Feel free to reach out anytime!
(2)
Report

That's a cute memory from your gramma Rainey (puts a smile on my face... How those memories are etched in our memories from childhood).
I have been in a similar situation with my brothers, so I understand... After so many years of hoping things would be different, I have finally let go... This release actually released me from always 'wanting' them to 'be' different people, but now I understand they can't 'be' different people... and, you can't change people... Remember to take some deep breathes Rainey (every day)... even I have to take my own advise.
We'll make it...
(2)
Report

If I had a family that shared responsibility, I am sure my outlook would be more positive and I would not feel so overwhelmed. But instead, I have brothers that not only do nothing, they have villified me for her choosing me to be the POA, for handling everything for her and giving me a larger share in her will because I have always done it all meaning, all the upkeep on the property growing up, any home improvements that added value to the property, landscaping, etc. I honestly could care a less if she dies with 2 cents to her name, it's not MY money but somehow they feel they are entitled for doing zilch! This has also added stress because the one brother kept coming over and extorting money out of her everytime he showed up. Finally I caught on to this and told him she could not afford to keep giving him money and taking him to lunch all the time. He kept doing it so I booted him off the property. That caused a huge stink! Then I was the Pariah again. I can hardly wait to tell him I never want to hear or see him ever again. Take take take is all he has ever done and manipulate with guilt to get his way. So being the sole caregiver with a dysfunctional family in the background is just loads of fun.
On a humourous lighter note, I love the name Heart2Heart, it reminds me when I was a child and my Mom's mother (gramma) would come to visit, if I was misbehaving, she would look me sternly in the eye and say, "Young lady, we are going to have a heart to heart talk!" Of course that would be enough to start the tears streaming down my cheeks because I knew she was not happy with me. I can laugh about it now and even Mom gets a kick out of it when I remind her. 😊
(0)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter