Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
You ARE BEING ABUSED.
I'd like to know if he has verbally threatened you. I mean beyond the comments that if you leave you will never get to come back. Has he threatened to hunt you down or take physical action against you if you leave.
Maybe you are afraid of him because he is so different than you ever realized. Whatever your fears are, let's hear them. If you get them out, they may lose their power over you. Have you told your therapist you are afraid of him?
I'd like to say that you have received excellent comments from the last 10 or so posters, especially the woman who shared about her mother's life. (I can't go back a page and pick out all the names or I will lose this post) But you know who they are.
Look, Ohio, your MIL has dementia; she's hateful and she doesn't like you. That could be the result of dementia or it could be that coupled with a personality disorder. I don't know, but what difference does it make. She will only get worse and you can't save her.
Make a plan. Make a plan. Make a plan. And get out!!!
Love, Cattails
God bless and keep you safe.
I think Rovana mentioned a women's support group. You will need to contact one of these women's organization that helps abused women. It's a victim's advocate against crime. We also have one here - it's a Women's Shelter. Perhaps you can call first before you do anything that will trigger your husband.
But despite him being a male, he was very, very pro-me. He was gungho on helping Me as a Caregiver. He was blunt and I liked it even though I didn't care for the message. But, the message was For My Benefit. He did not try to excuse my siblings nor sugarcoat it. He was blunt.
Your therapist does sound like he's defending your husband. You need to find another therapist. How can you pour your secrets to him if you now know he's defended your husband once? What I got in that 1 session of mine...was a LOT of helpful information that will help ME...and it was only 1-hour!
Ohio, sometimes, okay....a LOT of time, changes are Scary. Knowing that by leaving him, you will now truly be by Yourself. But you're not. You have parents who love you enough to actually MOVE closer to you and bro. If you read enough of this site, you will know that most older people Do Not Want to Move from their home. That is how much your parents love you! They gave up their home to be closer to you. They would welcome you into their homes with open hearts if you just give them an outline of your current life and marriage.
Your brother and your kids and grandkids love you. Please stop hiding your head under the sand. Open your eyes. SEE what is going on. Take care, okay?
You are going to have to handle some grief, there is no happy way out OR through; as they say, the easy problems have been solved already. A man who gave two hoots in hell about you would at least let you use his exercise bike!!! His Porsche or his favorite expensive power tools OK sure, he could worry too much about. But please!! Stop giving yourself excuses to stay in this mess. You know what you have to do, or at least be truly willing to do, before any change has any chance to occur. Your fear of moving on and unwillingness to do it are propping up the whole sick sad situation. My only hesitation in pushing the SUBMIT button is the fear that there is an important fact or two you are leaving out that would make this make more sense than it does; otherwise I'm afraid we are just busy telling you what a good and noble person you are (you are, but that's besides the point!) and maybe paradoxically enabling or encouraging you to stay put and maintain a situation that is not really helping anyone make a better life for themselves. Hubby is maintaining a status quo so he can try to build financial security for himself and avoid being burdened or stressed, but what kind of person, what kind of relationships, and what kind of life does that get him in the long run? MIL is getting care, but she is hating it and not getting any better. If she ends up in an assisted living facility, her ability to adjust to it is not going to be better later vs sooner. And you are losing yourself and getting less and less able to have an independent life or future as this whole thing drains you out spiritually and financically. As you can see from Folger's post, "unselfishly" caring for MIL is going to end up being very, very selfish and hurtful to others who have a much more valid claim on your relationship time and energy.
You have only had a few sessions with this counselor. He doesn't know you as well as we do! For him to make that comment which sounds like a defense of your husband he can't have heard as much as we have about the self-centered excuse of a man you are married to. Your counselling sessions are limited and you need results. You went in there with the idea you needed help coping with MIL. WRONG TOPIC! Bring this counselor speedily up to date on your marriage, or find another counselor pronto -- probably a female.
You are sooooo worthy of a good life and a chance for happiness! We all want to see you take the steps necessary to have that chance.
But please,please......save yourself.My mother didn't.She's broken.She's 70 years old and she seems like 98 years old.My father whom is 77 is still working and won't-refuses to miss any work to help my mother.It won't get better I'm telling you.Your children will see you go down faster than you can blink an eye.We aren't meant for continous abuse.It will break you.You sound like a lovely person that needs NOW to get out.I'm sorry to be so forward with being new.I never posted anything only lurked for help,but this is what I wish my mother would do.Your so young yet and there is life ahead for you.You got to just change it before it's too late.
Ohio: If you don't feel like your counselor is listening to you, tell him that. He needs the feedback and any good counselor will be open to your thoughts. Remind him you have limited visits and don't want to waste them.
Didn't you have an appointment with an attorney a while back. I am concerned about your husband hiding assets. That's a good possibility.
Sometimes we do for others what we want done for ourselves. You would like to be protected so you do your best to protect your mother-in-law. You've done that with your husband too; gone along with bad behavior so you could prove to him you loved him and were worthy of his trust. Maybe you are drawn to wounded people, because you are wounded, so you can try to heal them the way you want someone to heal you. You have to take that "stray animal in need of protection" THAT IS YOU and love and protect it with all your heart. Love yourself the way you want to be loved.
Unfortunately, you can't fix someone else, especially if they have character issues. You can only fix yourself by learning more about who you are and why you stay in bad situations. Here is a story a friend of my shared on another thread. It goes to character:
The Scorpion and the Frog
A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too."
The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?
Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."
Stay with us Ohio. Love and Hugs, Cattails