Some background: First, I'd like to get out of the way I'm not based in the US. I'm only in my 20s, but caring for my almost 90-yr-old father due to parents managing to start a family very late. For the past 2 weeks, dad has been raising hell in my household NON-STOP. He's in otherwise good health for his age, but due to a bout of dengue fever (for which he REFUSED to stay in the only hospital in the country that offers treatment for the recommended time), his healing has been slow. To add to this, he's been laying around so much he developed a blood clot in his leg 6 mths back. The clot is almost gone, but my dad basically refuses to do anything for himself now, wasting our money demanding us to take him to emergency care for constipation, refusing or only doing to absolute bare minimum during his physio sessions at the hospital, refusing to take medication prescribed by his doctors, refusing to eat or drink because the meals are 'not up to his standard'. Every little thing, from sitting him up in his chair, to getting him laid into bed, he expects someone to help him with. Which would be fine, IF HE WASN'T WAKING EVERYONE UP AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT TO DO IT or starting shouting matches and screaming for help when we tell him he's being unreasonable or to just wait for us to attend to him. And it's not like he's paralyzed, but he also refuses to use any kind of walking aid to help with his balance problems. The rest of us in the house are all adults working full-time, and just barely managing to scrape by during this pandemic after two of our three combined incomes were severely cut back.
Is he still of sound mind? I don't know. He (guess what) refuses to go for any kind of neurological assessment, and there's no legal avenues to force him to go.
I already blocked his number after he abused it calling me for help every hour of the day and night, even AFTER I answer and tell him I can't get to him. Taking any kind of steps to protect my boundaries and sanity is just aggravating him more.
Having no one else in my age group to relate to my struggles to is lonely and frustrating. I can't take it anymore. I just want him out of my house now. I'm looking at getting him into a assisted living facility and cutting off contact for good.
I hate him. I hate him SO MUCH. Every day I'm angry and disappointed. As I was growing up, I was only starting to understand what a truly awful person he is, poisoning every relationship he's ever been in, driving my mother into bankruptcy and basically forcing her to stick around with no other options, embezzling funds from family friends, and constantly trying to start scam businesses for quick money.
The absolute last straw for me was yesterday (Friday), no one was able to get to him that exact minute when he called to change his diaper. So what did he do? He took it off himself, and proceeded to SHT ALL OVER HIS BEDROOM AND BATHROOM FLOOR, telling us we 'deserved it' for not getting to him.
He's a piece of sht and I've told him to his face I hope he dies and soon, and I'm NEVER helping him with anything again, not even to tell him the time of day. So far my anger is helping me stick to my resolve, but I'm tired of being angry all the time. I just want him gone, and I'm afraid one day I'm going to count on my anger to make good on that
If I had a question to put here, it'd be this: How the hell do you put up with such a rotten demon of a human, and how do I get rid of this nightmare for good?
Get him out of your house as soon as you can. OR If you are living with dad MOVE out.
Freaking out on an old person only makes things worse.
Train the old goat up a little and make sure you get your sleep.
Your sleep is the most important thing.
And, where are you?
There are services you can access and advice lines you can call, but it depends so much on where you live.
Dad is living with us because he has nowhere else to go to.
The house is legally and rightfully my mother's, whom we live with - it's the only thing in the world she owns, is still allowed to own after the bankruptcy, and is the same house I have been living in all my life.
Dad has no say on or any rights to the house because he's a foreigner (American, specifically). I've looked it up local laws, and unfortunately, there is no legal avenue for evicting him from the family home, regardless of who owns it.
I DREAM of moving out, but my salary is the only thing between having a roof over our heads and living on the streets. And I can't support paying the bills and mortage/rent for two places.
As much as I despise my dad, I can't put my siblings and mother on the streets to save my own sanity.
We have VARIOUS aids for mobility, eating, toileting, etc. around the house we bought or were given by the hospital to help make both his and our lives easier.
All sitting collecting dust.
It's almost as if he deliberately sticks to the most inconvenient options to make our lives as miserable as possible.
I left this out in my initial post, but my dad is American. We live in Malaysia, but I need to stress none of us (except dad) hold US citizenship, so alot of options for services are out of our reach.
If anyone knows of any services for senior Americans abroad, that might be something we could pursue. He has a Medicare/Medicaid card, if that's helpful to know.
Right now, I'm running into alot of legal complications of getting him a care home locally because he's a foreigner - either he's barred from accessing those services, or the costs become excessive.
I know moving him out of the house is the only real solution - my dad has been threatening to move for months, but of course couldn't because of the pandemic. His idea of moving out is a fancy serviced high-rise condo meant for travelling expats in the ritzy part of town though - which he can neither afford or live independently in.
An assisted living facility is my next best bet. I've been researching but finding it hard to find a place that will both accept new placements and is within my budget.
Even if I managed to find a place, how do I force him to move?
MEDICARE or MEDICAID
I was going to say check to see which but as I write this I'm guessing it's Medicare he has since that's tied to Social Security. Medicaid is used to cover nursing home stays but is State-provided healthcare.
US MILITARY
If he's a veteran and was honorably discharged, I don't know if being an expat would make him ineligible for a few programs of the Department of Veteran Affairs. See their site at www.va.gov/GERIATRICS. You could also contact VA by email on their website.
EXPAT COMMUNITY
I did a quick search and see there are a few websites devoted to US citizens who've chosen to live abroad. (Malaysia's at the top of the lists of best countries!) I wonder if you'd find help there about placement.
MEDICAL PROVIDER
Has your dad's doctor weighed in on his need for care? Are they aware of the toll it's taking on the family? Is YOUR doctor and your mom's doctor aware of the toll? Could you get a medical recommendation for having him placed in a permanent setting outside the home?
Can you refuse to have him brought home from a medical appointment? That's the course some on this forum have had to resort to, refuse to accept a family member back because it isn't safe for the them or the family.
Cost of care should come from his pension, not your wallet.
I hope you find a workable solution soon and wish you and your family peace.
Editing as it seems you are screwed based on your answers below. The only hope you have us that he dies sooner rather than later. Be aware people like this usually live a long time.
I understand being outside of the US limits or severely complicates the options we have, so I didn't really expect any concrete answers, and appreciate your answer here.
Re: refusing to have him brought back - At my lowest, I'd considered this, but we actually live just 5 minutes away from the hospital he gets evaluated at. It'd be nothing for them to send him back to our house and force us to take him back, but no - We've never actually tried this.
In the US an immigrant can set up residency its called a Green Card. After 5 years they have access to some of our programs like Medicaid. But you only receive Medicare if you have worked in the US. Same with our Social Security. Can't receive it if you haven't worked 40 quarters which is about 10 yrs. Does Dad receive Social Security? Because usually, thats how the Medicare premium gets paid by a deduction from your Social Security check. No premium paid, no Medicare.
So even though Dad has lived there and married a citizen, he has not established some kind of residency? Rant all you want, thats what we are hear for. But hard to point you in the right direction. Here we have Senior Services. Adult protection services. If Dad hit your Mom we could call the police and have him removed and tell them he can't come back.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock
1st: do you have access to lawyers? Specifically, do you have elder lawyers that can help you set up something for mom so whatever dad decides doesn't leave her impoverished? Or an agency that can help give you guidance on what to do if mom (home owner) decides she no longer wants dad (non-citizen) to continue to live in her home?
2nd: You might want to think about contacting the US embassy in your country and ask what sort of resources they might be able to guide you towards for dad, should you be able to get him to move out; or what sort of resources might be available if he should need to enter into some sort of care facility. But I would tread lightly with information you give them, because if you tell them you want to throw him out of the family home, their focus might be on the best interests for their citizen, which might run counter to YOUR best interests. I would try to call form a place where dad can't overhear the conversation, and leave it somewhat general as far as details are concerned - just dad is getting to the point where his care is becoming more than your family can manage, and what sort of resources do they know of for him, etc.; that way, if you manage to be able to force dad out of the house, you're not just dumping him on the street, which I'm not sure what the ramifications of that would be in your country. If they can't offer you any resources, maybe they can at least point you in the right direction to get some help.
I really hope you can find some solutions to this problem, because no one deserves to be going through this!
Good luck and (((hugs)))