So tonight I had to tell mom some of the same things I’d been posting on here (not where she could find them of course). That I was trying my hardest but it didn’t seem enough. That I can’t possibly keep up with the level of “care you need.” I had her walking to the toilet yesterday. Today she wanted the commode. Two hours later, she wanted the bed pan again. I couldn’t believe she was going backward. She obviously could sense my upset and said, “why don’t we ask the in home caregiver to stay all day until 10 at night, then you can come over.”
I said, if you can afford damn near 2000.00 a week, fine.
”Well I know this is upsetting for you.”
I told her it is upsetting. I’m trying my hardest, you were walking with me, now you say the raised toilet seat pinches you so you go back to that stupid commode, then that isn’t right, so “here give me a bedpan.”
”Well I keep changing my mind.”
”I can’t keep up with that either!” I said. She said I was doing a really good job but I told her I was not. I keep forgetting her medication, I have sprained my back lifting commode chairs, tables and walkers, and she continues to be non compliant in practicing walking, toileting, dressing, and bathing. She just wants to lay in bed all day, and, in my view, I think she thinks that will make her better.
You all have been an absolute lifesaver, so thanks again for listening. I injured myself trying to help her this evening, I’m not the springy-est 47 year old chicken anymore. This is hard, and I have no more tears left.
The rules seem to have been dreamed up by people who have never in their lives fought with a sibling, cared for a naughty child or been driven to drink by a recalcitrant elder. Personally I'd like another law that says anybody involved in creating these policies has to spend three months in the front line wearing a body cam.
I also have to admit that if you got, say, a week in jail for every rude word that passed your lips I'd still be doing time.
If your mother has resources let her increase the care hours she needs and pay CG’s for that time. You need to live your life too - so young at 47!
Shes unhappy there now and ive been there on many occasions where she's filthy and smelly and her hair is greasy...she always wants to refuse even when i tell her she smells like piss and sweat and unwashed ass. I clean her up when i find her like that. I showed up to get her for a doctor's appointment and when i arrived she was refusing to take her meds. I ended up feeding her the pills one by one and told her to stop acting like an asshole.
APS showed up at my house and was questioning me about calling her an asshole (in which i said, she was acting like one). They told me she confirmed this and told me my visits need to be supervised...i told them f^÷>k her and f^÷>k that place. I wont be visiting anytime soon. She has succeeded in pushing everyone away.
I can totally relate to your situation with your mother. My mother was much the same. Old people can become very self-centered. The can begin to focus on their own comfort and preferences to the exclusion of all else. And it is SO hard to draw boundaries with them, especially when they're frail and helpless as your mother seems to be (or preferring to be).
My mother like yours wanted everything done for her, even things she could do herself. And there seemed to be no limits on what her comfort required. She was the type who wouldn't hesitate to ask you to rearrange the furniture if you stopped by to drop off the mail.
It isn't just that that the situation is upsetting you. She's trying to minimize it, make it more manageable, by suggesting that. The problem is that you just can't do this over the long term. Your mother could live for years in this condition. You can't spend years sleeping away from home, missing out on sleep, straining your joints and back, and stewing in misery and frustration.
You are going to need to draw a line somewhere. It would be good if you could get your siblings to back you up, but failing that, get your husband to back you up. If I were you, I'd draw the line at dressing and toileting. If she can't do those things unaided, she need to go to rehab until she can. You can't be emptying commodes and bedpans for years on end. If she were in the last days of life, it would be one thing. But she may be years from the end. You should not let her keep setting the terms for your involvement. You need to set those terms.
You caring for her at home, waiting on her hand and foot, is destroying all her incentive to get better. If she has to go to rehab in a facility, she will be much more motivated to get up and walk and do things for herself so she can come back home again. That is my strong suggestion, FWIW.
I think your mother is trying to find ways that are easier, with her switching from bathroom to commode to bedpan - the bathroom was a kerfuffle, let's try this, no, okay, let's try that - but none of it's working.
Caregiving for somebody with such advanced needs really is not a one person job anyway. When the one person is, as you so beautifully put it, not 21 any more shall we say; and is not trained, or experienced, or qualified... to be honest, it's amazing anybody ever does get through it. Heaven knows why we think being a person's blood relation suddenly makes us expert superfit care professionals...
I muse, merely. What are the options? I think at this point you're going to have to line them up, pick the closest match to what you *both* want - because you two are on the same page, you both want her to be excellently cared-for and you not to break - and start making it happen.
"You won't let him take you to the commode, or bed pan you like I have been, and you do not get along with him you just said he drives you crazy."
She had to think a minute on that one. I'm sure she was trying but it seemed disingenuous. It smacks of 'Here watch me be nice on one or two occasions, but when you ask me to participate in my own recovery, this is my way of showing you I won't have to because I was nice.'
Any of you who have had mothers know them better than they know themselves...
“Mom, you need to get up and move if you are going to have any chance at getting better, or at least not getting worse. Listen, if you want to stay in bed all day, go ahead. But I can’t move you and your stuff around any more. It’s too heavy for me and I’m hurting myself doing it. Im going to have to step back for my own health. We need to find a better place for you to go where there are enough people to give you the care you deserve. It’s not me. I can’t do it any more. Let’s talk about where a better place for you might be.”