I'm worn out and feel a meltdown coming soon!

Hi Kathy! I completely understand you feeling overwhelmed...I also, have cared for an elderly parent and currently, my fatherinlaw is home with my motherinlaw; he recently was discharged from a rehab..he had a fractured pelvis and received rehab...he is home and will not do anything for himself..my motherinlaw is left to care for him..the family tries to help when they can, but the family all work and some of us live out of state...it is extremely overwhelming and do not know what to do at this point...he is nasty to her and demanding...to sit back and listen to this really upsets me and I feel for her...Again, I dont know what to do...if anyone has any suggestions,it would be greatly appreciated! Thanks Vickie

So sorry to hear that your situation and your mental health mimic mine.....maybe talking to one another will help us both to know that we are not unique in the situation or our response to it.....my mom also refuses any help although she is really in need of nursing home care. The only person she will let bathe her or do for her is me. Finally I freaked out and at least she lets my sister help her up the stairs to bed. I sleep on a couch each night so that I can help her to the bathroom! She never even acknowledges the sacrifice. My life has not been my own for the past five years but the last 2 months have become hell on earth! I know what you are feeling in terms of a meltdown. I swing from thinking I can handle it, to just giving into the despair. Know that you are not alone and I will check back to help you through this as I try to figure out my own path on this awful journey.

Hi All. I want to thank you all again for all of your support, encouragement, understanding, personal stories/situations and your very kind friendships!!! My heart goes out to you all! I think I'd have lost what's left of my mind by now if I hadn't have found all of you! I realize now that I'm really NOT alone... I feel bad for all of you here and anyone who falls into the caretaker roll! I never worked this hard when I worked a fulltime job with daily overtime & another part time job on the side.

God Bless you All!!!
Love y'all too!
Kathy

I think you are doing a good job and the best you can and you need to be sure to take good care of yourself for you, not just to take care of others, you deserve to be safe and well in your life. Many people really wouldn't do what we do. I have heard cousins say They can't imagine it..They're right they can't...Stay Connected here we all know what you are dealing with.

Hi Everyone! I want to thank you all SO INCREDIBLY MUCH for all of your posts and replies! You're all my strength right now! I am reading everything (God Bless You All!!!) and your words help me tremendously! I think I am in the "meltdown" and have been for the past few days. I'm starting to feel a bit (I guess a lot more) angry b/c I hurt my back bad again doing the grocery shopping and vacuuming (heavy lifting) and could barely move for 2 days. Starting 2 days ago, I feel really sick! I'm having severe stomach pains and nausea and just feel so weak!!! I've had mono in the past more than a few times, and I know it's active again right now. I'm SO tired! I cannot keep going on like this and my body is certainly letting me know it's not happy! I haven't been able to keep up with all of the cleaning and as horrible as I'm feeling right now and for the past 2 days, my mom and s-dad don't seem to notice. Yesterday I literally couldn't do much of anything b/c I was weak, nauseated and had so much pain of my own. Today my mom wanted "her favorite robe" which was in the laundry, so I did get two loads of laundry done. I live with them and pay them rent and can't get any Assistance for myself b/c the County counts my mom and s-dad's income against me, yet I can't even afford all of my meds, etc... I worked so hard my entire life, full-time and now my only income is my SSDI disability once a month. I can't survive with the amount I get. I'm starting to get concerned for my own health at this point. I'm stressed to the max...have pain 24/7 b/c of fibro, herniated discs, etc... I've lost 15 lbs. in the past month b/c I can't eat, can't sleep, etc... My mom is always cold, so even though we've been having some really nice weather where it's 75-80 degree's outside, my mom has all of the doors and windows closed, the heat on and things at the bottom of the doors so no drafts come in. They don't like lights on either, so it's always so dark in here. B/c of it being so hot in this house and getting sweaty b/c of trying to keep up with all of the demands, I've been breaking out in prickly heat rashes. They don't care. I feel so horribly alone!!! I am totally alone except for all of you who I've come to love in a very special way! No one knows what it's like to 'try' and take care of other people (mostly elderly/ill parents). If there's anyone who says that taking care of our elderly's is "rewarding", I'd sure like to hear how and why they feel that way. I'm sure my mom & s-dad are afraid to ask me how I feel b/c I'm all they have as help. I'm trying to find some sort of hope or joy in this life. Life has become nothing but a feeling of constant doom, panic attacks, dark depression, severe loneliness and I'm so so sad. This can't be all there is to life. But for most of us here, it is! It's wrong that we're not allowed to live our own lives! I guess we could just walk away (if we could afford to do so), but I've been trained very well since a very dysfunctional/abusive childhood, to feel guilty about most everything. I still have a huge load of laundry to fold tonight and it probably won't get done until after 11pm! Everyday seems to get more demanding. I keep their house as clean as possible, but my room is so cluttered and I have no time and too much pain and fatigue to take care of my own space and my own life. I thank God for all of you!!! You're all in my thoughts and prayer's!!! I need to go and lay down again, but wanted to let all of you know I'm here and that I appreciate you all so so much!!! You've all been lifesavers for me!!! I wish y'all didn't have to be going through this.
Love to you all & God Bless,
Kathy

yearight,

I am so very proud of you and your accomplishments in dealing with the F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) your mommy programed into you as a little girl, but now standing up as the adult daughter instead of laying down like a little girl in fear before her mommy. Like one navy admiral once said with torpedoes heading straight for him, "dam the torpedoes, straight ahead and he one', likewise dam those eggshells for you didn't make her that way, you can't fix her nor can you control her egg like condition. All you or any of us can do and particularly in relation to parents with a personality disorder, is to choose a healthy path for ourselves with the outlook that if others, yes including even your mother, want to get on a healthy path fine, and if not fine. I'm having to deal with repressed abuse that I suffered at the hands of my single parent mom which did not stop when she got married again when I was eleven that I've suppressed all these years, but after several years in therapy these flashbacks over the last several weeks are exploding like emotional land minds in my head. and thus my various expressions of wishing she were already dead. I feel like after what she did to me that I deserve for her to die. Although she gave me birth, she should not be living on this earth even though while in my thirties she told me that she knew what she was doing was wrong but could not help it. Dang she had a masters of Education in guidance counseling which sends her excuse to the pit. Sorry, to go so way off, but I just had to vent. I'm going to leave and vent some more by making a song from all here to fore.

That is the comfort in this unavoidable draining sometimes hell...Not that others suffer too but that others KNOW what one is going through...And if you have not done care-giving of a family member you really have no idea the toll and dimensions and complexity and plain wearing BS it so often involves...And the "no expiration date" just adds to the heavy dilemma. It is not like we can say well, at least on January 4th this will all be over....."God Dammit...I tell ya these damn shoes are something else!" He just said from his (my old) room. He is trying to pee standing up into a urinal which he just dropped on the floor and I will have to go clean up....Lovely. Why he cant piss in the bathroom I have no idea he just rolled right by it....to go pour urine all over the carpet instead....One tiny illustration of the daily fun bag of care giving in the home...I also have a doctors appointment at noon...which I must bring him too, in a cab, both ways, which my mom will insist we pay for because it is not HIS appointment, and WE don't have it...He does..."God Damn Shoes!" "Like a Rocking Chair damn shoes!" Yes, let the party begin......January anyone?

I want to say I appreciate you all "baring your souls" as it were.
My mom has undiagnosed mental issues. She has had them all of my life. My childhood was not so nice. Looking back now I realize my poor dad was super depressed his whole life with my mom. Now he is so demented he doesn't even know she is his wife half the time.
But I have noticed a lightening of my moms moods toward my dad in the past year.
Once she would except the fact that my dad did have dementia she stopped yelling at him and accusing him of "deviling her". But as for all her other "hangups", they have deepened.
She has a way of sucking the life out of me. I won't go into it because there is just so much garbage and talking about it makes me very angry. But I can say the day in day out hands on care of my parents is not what melts me down; it is the emotional junk form my mom.
I know for myself, the main problem is that my mother instilled such fear in me as a child that even now I have a hard time going against her. I have to keep reminding myself that I am not that little girl anymore living in HER house. I am a women and she lives in MY house. I don't need to please her anymore.
She has lived with me for 4 yrs now and it is a slow uphill battle but I continue to take my life back. I refuse to walk on those egg shells any longer. I am well aware that she calls my half brother and complains and lies about me but I just dare him to get in my face.
I really think he knows that I will deposit her on his doorstep if he opens his mouth to me.
Thanks for being here, I am sorry for your stress issues, but it is comforting to know that I'm not alone.

Thanks, Ted, for answering my question about how you made it STOP. What normally happens to me is I finally get sick, with one thing or another. Then I am physically unable to keep going for a few days, so have a brief respite. Maybe I should take that few days break BEFORE I get sick! I agree with your assessment about "creating our own little monsters." My brother used to accuse me of turning our Mom into an invalid by doing too much for her. Others, including my husband, have said I fuss over her, and coddle her too much. She truly has health issues (coronary artery disease and A-fib), as well as dementia. And the other thing I keep thinking about is the terrible disease that robs our parents of their capacity to think and reduces them to the "child" role. They hate it, but are helpless. I have to tell Mom like I would a five year old, "put your coat on Mom, it's cold out today. No, you can't wear cropped pants and flip-flops, it's COLD today." Hellloooooo! I do this, nice and patiently, but after about the 10th time or so, I start to go crazy inside! It's so difficult. But, if I was dealing with a 5 year old I would be different, so I have to keep telling myself that my once intelligent smart-as-a-whip Mom is now like a 5-year old in many ways. What Anne said about the fine line between caring and over-caring is very true. I have to work on not going over that fine line. Maggie Sue, I really know what you mean about how much better things seem after you have a good rest. But by the end of the day......then I need a nice glass of wine! :)

Thanks for all the meltdown stories. I feel better this morning as my mother is always easier to deal with when we are both rested. But here we are at the beginning of another day where we do the drama all over again.

It's comforting to know there are others out there in the same situation. I see my mother in so many of your comments.

I too have wondered if my mother is a vessel of evil. Scott Peck addressed evil in a book entitled People of the Lie. I read it some time ago and recognized my parents in it.

When I was a kid I had several dogs and all of them died early. They would get loose when I was at school and get hit or one little female died after she was spayed. As an adult I didn't have animals because it was too hard for me as a kid to lose my canine friends. The dog I have now came to me recently. He is a good animal and needed a home. I am very fond of him. We share a lot of affection. I'm starting to get uneasy leaving him at home alone with my mother in my house.

To me caregiving is a moral issue. It's a duty to care for family members who are incapcitated. I have no love for my mother but I don't want anyone to be mean to her. In residential care she would be snubbed by the other residents and staff would be indifferent. People won't put up with her personality problems. Because she can get aggressive others will attack back. I don't want to referee that situation.

I am on a stress cycle too. With me, I get help to come in and then eventually get annoyed with the help and fire them. I've bee through about 5 Home health aids. I haven't had help for a few weeks and it's difficult not to be able to get a break.
A 2 hr break 3 tiems a week would help. I could go to a gym and run on the elipical machine to burn off the frustration. I guess we have to forgive ourselves for whatever we think we have done wrong and appreciate ourselves for all the good things we do. Easier said that done, though.

For me I knew it was too much when I was happy IN THE AMBULANCE BEING DRIVEN AWAY FROM THE HOUSE!!!

It was just too much one more snarky comment from my mother about care for HER elderly father and I snapped. got a shower called 911 and waited to escape..How I knew it wasn't fixed? When I got back the next day from a overnight respite center...the Bullshit just came back....but at least it got her to DO SOMETHING FOR ONCE and he is now in Adult Day Health two days a week..It helps some.

You sound like you are scared you may do something you didn't intend...That is the break down and you need stop gap help right away. Don't think you don't before it is too late. Do what ever you must to get the help you need...

I think that we can over-give and need to learn to be aware of where that line is.....between giving enough and over-giving.

To answer Braida's question- how did I make it all stop?- I didn't, i beleve it just acually became too much and I subconciously stopped taking it in. i went through of few days of numbness and slowly I began to start picking it up again, little by little. I assume that the pace will keep increasing and eventually it will (I will) meltdown again. A viscous cycle.

I wanted to mention that I'm seeing an obvious trend here and am starting to think that the whole care-giving role that we play might just be feeding in to our parents selfishness and neediness. Perhaps we cause, or at least enable, their behavior by our own reaction to their infirmity? By being as caring and responsible as we feel we should be, and that family and society expect us to be, are we setting them to play the role of the person who needs and deserves our attentions?
Have we created our own little monsters?

Narcissism is a personality trait of a person for their entire life. It is not an old age disease. Narcissism can be considered evil in the sense that it is a social/psychological learned disease which like all diseases were made by the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy. Beyond that, the criteria for the diagnosis of a narcissistic person or a borderline whom narcissist tend to create fit into mental health descriptions but do not fit pound for pound the demonic stories of the NT. A queen borderline mother can come across as royalty among strangers but be the pure wicked which of the west with those most immediate to her is not due to a demon or unconfessed sin but by a hardened heart with a confused ball of wax of issues.

For example, a person with borderline personality disorder fears abandonment but also fear intimacy. plus can't fax their own imperfections. Thus, the classic book, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."
Not being able to face much less deal with their own mixture of black and white, people with this problem will split people into entirely the white hat person vs the entirely black hat person. Because they are totally convinced that you will eventually reject them and more so if you get to know them better that the set up a self fulfilling prophesy by which they feel good about rejecting you because of whatever which is obviously (at least to them) your fault. These sick people tend to operate on impulse and not on rational reflection. Thus, their leaning toward irrational rages People with BPD have the unique ability to become what they perceive you want them to be but their mask can only be maintained so long. Just before it drops they create a tornado like drama which they then step into the middle of and proclaim themselves the victim. .

A person with an untreated personality disorder can serve as an open window for all sorts of evil to be accomplished which is multiplied in its impact when they hide their narcissism or borderline personality disorder behind a religious mask in either the clergy or the laity and both.

Parents of either sex, who are narcissistic live in a realm of being abusive people covers the whole panorama of abuse in all of its forms to all of the various human targets. Narcissistic fathers hurt their sons by never letting them experience healthy male bonding. Narcissistic mothers hurt their daughters by never letting them experience healthy female bonding. There is more that I could write, but I'm going to call it a night.

Do you think the extreme Narcissism displayed by some of our parents is just a personality disorder, or something of a more ominous nature like a form "Evil" .I am not just talking about the ones who have only displayed this in their elder years. I am talking about a parent who has always displayed this behavior since you were a child growing up in their house. ?

Yep, my meltdown came recently. She was so rude, so demanding, so cruel, backbiting me to other siblings even though I was doing the most for her, doctor visits, vet visits for her pets, homeowners comparison quote, you name it. It just goes on and on. You finish one thing, and she will have 5 more for you lined up. It is beyond exhausting. I just couldn't take her demands, rudeness and back biting me for which is my reward for all the good deeds I've done for her. As if she has amnesia, and instead of the angel that you truly are to her, she portays me as the devil instead.. It's like banging your head everyday against the wall. And then getting kicked if you dare to show any vulnerablity or exhAUSTIOIN. yOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE HUMAN. yOU ARE EXPECTED TO BE A rOBOT WHO MUST PERSORM OR BE WHIPPED TO DEATH. nO, i AM NOT EXAGERATING EITHER. iT IS EXACTLY THAT BAD AND MORE. sHE IS A sHIT STRRER AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY. sHE IS A WRECKING BALL OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS DUE TO HER SELFISHNESS AND SHARP TONGUE. sHE IS A STREET ANGEL AND A HOUSE DEVIL.

sO, NEEDLESS TO SAY i COULDN'T KEEP UP THE PACE. sSo I went into meltdown. Haven't spoke to her in almost a week. I will pick up the torch again soon, but I had to take this break. It all became too much on me. I would cringe when I saw her name come up on the caller id several times a day. Felt like I was losing it. My self imposed break is helping. I am getting stronger snd healthier every day and am getting a much needed break.

Rest, healthy food , sleep, and even Xanex helps a lot I will jump back in the water when I am ready. But with a new set of rules and boundaries for her. But she has OCD , anxiety, borderline disorder and Narcisism. So as you can see, it's a Herculon mission. But it is getting down to survival of the fittest..

I feel like that too, lately. I find myself so exhausted that I'm like the walking dead. And the demands keep coming and coming, and I keep dragging my dead self to meet the demands....because if I didn't, no one else would take up the slack. But what if I WAS dead?? What if I just fall down dead, like I feel like doing to get some peace sometimes. What if we all were GONE? What would they do? I think that's my problem. I feel like I'm so indespensible, but if I just died tonight, life would go on. Someone would take care of my Mom. She wouldn't be as happy or well taken care of, but.....maybe she would!! She wouldn't die. Maybe that's what we (those of us who feel like we're going to crack any minute) need to get through our brains. We could kill ourselves trying to do EVERYTHING, and then we'd be dead. And someone else would step up to the plate. Maggie Sue, when she hands you the list, you should just take it and say "oh thanks." and then go and hide. But, God, you shouldn't have to hide in your own house. Just keep telling yourself...."she's going to go back home as soon as the place is cleaned up and ready!! She is, she is, she is!" And then, just make it happen. Otherwise, something's gotta give. So, Ted.....how did you make it just STOP?

I'd guess that everyones meltdown is different, but as for myself, it was as though my brain just started to shut down. I couldn't think. I stopped doing anything that needed to be done. I couldn't stand to be in the same room with mom. I just kept hearing a voice in my head saying "it's too much, It's too much"
Someone here once described it as hitting a wall, that is what it's like. I just needed everything to STOP.

Has anyone on this thread ever experienced a meltdown? Please let me know what happened. This evening I felt that I was in trouble. Everytime my mother sees me she demands something. I hid in my basement this weekend. Tonight I had a class at the community college and got away for a few hours. On the way home, I was so dreading returning to my house and sure enough when I walked thru the door there she was with a list of things she wanted me to do. I couldn't even greet my dog.

I felt so repulsed that I thought I might get out of control. But I didn't know what to expect. Then I realized I couldn't remember if anyone had described a meltdown. Everyone's been talking about what Kathy should do before she has a meltdown. But what is a meltdown? What happens?

BTW I took my dog and hid on my mother again. I'm okay. And I guess she's okay. Probably making another list.

I keep telling her to go home and that she's worn out her welcome at my house. But she says her house is too dirty to return to. I'm working on it. The cleaning people have a machine that removes construction dust from the air and blows it out the window. She had a fire in July and needed a lot of reconstruction on her home. She's been here for 3 months. Face to face 24/7. I'm used to Sunday shopping and daily checkup calls. But not this constant toxic person in my person space. Before she came here in July I hadn't let her in my home for over 10 years.

WILLOW:

I totally agree with MiaMadre. Get help or EMS will be carting you out of your house in a straight jacket. When you said "I'm the only person my mom and s-dad will allow to help them," the red flags went up. ... But it takes two to tango. A lot of this goes on because you're letting your parents dictate your every move. It's time for you to take charge once and for all and reclaim your life -- bike-riding, friends, and all.

I'll be tracking your progress to make sure you're taking good care of yourself. And don't hole up or pretend everything's peachy. We'll find you ... and nag you back into shape.

Until then, here's a big hug from The Bronx (NY).

-- ED

You are going to have to be tough with this and believe me I know how stuborn and mean they can be my Mom wrote the book on that one lay down the law write down all you duties and the amount of time it take-you will probably faint when you see all you do-I did when I made out a list for my husband I was a nurse and he use to say but you only have me to take care of instead of 6 pts. Ask your parents which things on your list they can do without because that you are doing too much and can not keep it up or they can pay for someone to come in 2hrs a day to do the things you are not able to do tell them it is going to be this way no arguments they will yell and fuss and fume but be firm-keep in touch I have found that nurses tend to expect more of themselves then others do think what a blessing it will be to not be running 100 miles an hour.

Kathy, please try to get some outside help. I resisted it too but now i do have 2 nursing assistants that i got through an agency. It still is very hard for me but I can get out at times and know that i am better for it. I was a nurse too and i think we all feel like we have to do it all. your parents will adapt. these people are bonded and honest. I will pray for you and know that you are not alone.

i think you have hit your melt down...and i know what that is like. I managed to call 911 and got a ride to the hospital and lots of referrals for help. Don't think you have to kill yourself to help others...if there is nothing left of you...then what do they do? Call a senior center and ask where you can get respite care and helps right away, there are people out there who can assist you...Good Luck and Take Care of yourself!

that is a great idea ted. Kathy try to get someone in there for you~~I agree with Ted as well on you kathy. You are very strong and I admire you as well....

Kathy, I hope you realize what an incredibly strong person you are! And i want to thank YOU for being here with us.
I can't speak for everyone, but I know that I benefit greatly from these posts and discussions, and your strength and spirit especially have given me a needed example of how much one person really can do when the chips are down.
I admire and look up to you.
Just a thought, but maybe there is a way to have help come in, not for your parents, but for you? They really couldn't refuse a Dr.'s or Social services order that YOU, again, not them, have help, If they happen to benefit from that too, well...

Hi Everyone! I want to thank EVERYONE here for your outstanding support!!! I feel bad that I haven't posted "thank-you's" and/or replies recently. I'm hurting, in pain, myself so bad for the past 2 days that I can hardly sit or stand for more than 30 minutes at a time. I have fibro, plus multiple other pain conditions, + depression and it's all coming down on me hard. I know that everyone here understands and I can't thank you all enough! I love you all! My mom really, REALLY needs to be in a hospital, and she did go to the ER for help, but the doctor that's s/p to do surgery on her left leg to do a vein/artery bypass b/c of PAD, halted her surgery after the ER docs had her prepped for emergency surgery. I had to pick her up at the ER at 115am.. (That was a couple days ago, so sorry if I'm being repetative)... I can't handle the workload of taking care of these 2 people and have been busting my b**t trying to do the best I can. I've cleaned the entire house, laundry is now at a managable level, although there's lots more of that everyday, etc... you all know the drill. I love my mom dearly, and my s-dad, but would never think of putting my own children through something like this...(if I had children). It's just too much! On the other hand, I have the guilt thing going on, thinking that 'if something bad happens to my mom I'll feel horribly guilty if I thought I didn't do everything I could have done to help. Please forgive me for sounding like a mess. I am a mess right now, physically and emotionally. I'm spent. Still, I think of everyone here and am SO thankful to all of you for your understanding! No one could possibly know the toll that caretaking takes on a persons body, mind and soul unless they've been there or are still there presently taking care of another human or 2!!! My mom and s-dad still refuse any outside help and it's there house. They're both very competent mentally, so there's nothing I can do to bring outside help in. I don't have the money to move out. I've thought about going to a hotel for a couple of nights, but I have a dog (who is my BFF :-) and I have no money at all to pay for a hotel.

Again, I'm SO thankful and greatful to all of you and I pray that you're all getting a break somehow, someway... I want to comment more on all of the very welcomed posts/replies... I just hurt too much now to sit at the computer.

Love and peace to you all!
I'm praying for Balance in all of this. It really helps to hear from you all frequently... How's that for sounding needy? LOL... I find 'sanity' when I hear from y'all!

Kathy

everyone here is right kathy...i have been praying for you and all of us. I hope you can get some help. I feel like most of you and understand this is absolute hell. However, we all answer for we do in this life not others, the one we care for. God has our destiny and will find our way...hugs to all of you...

I have worked for a nonprofit hospice for many years. A doctor must diagnosis a pt. with 6 mths or less to live. As long as a pt. meets hospice criteria as put forth by Medicare, the pt. can receive hospice care for as long as it takes. Sometimes yrs.
Only terminally ill pts. can receive hospice services. Medicare has tightened the reigns tremendously in the past year. They cut funding for hospice care. Medicare under the new healthcare law has decided that hospices are unnecessary.
Maggiesue, thanks for the ensure laugh, I do understand. By the way, the "death rattle" is nothing more than air moving over accumulated secretions in the airway.
Willow, in my town there are nonprofit orgs. that provide different services to those in need and it doesn't depend on finances. However, donations are excepted. Services range from transportation to housekeeping to respite. Your town is larger than my town so I hope you can find something.

Willow it sounds do me like the best thing for you would be to get out of their house so you could visit them on your good days to bring groceries etc. I know money is an issue so if living with your step sister isn't an option, check into the Berks County Housing Authority they have income based housing. There is probably a waiting list so get on several of them in your area. Putting some distance between you will help you determine what has to be done as opposed to doing everything and give you some space. I can't imagine being in your position, but I sincerely wish you the best. Take care of yourself!