My husband and I (both in our late 40s) were discussing how much we hate this phrase from our Dads. Mine is in AL and older, but his is still the same, at home with my MIL. (Who is very active and does everything now)
What I say to my Dad is "I work hard too" but I don't think he gets it at all.
I feel like saying "nobody's expecting you to go down the mines or something at 80, but you could bring in your own plate once in awhile."!!
:)
I just struggle with the entitlement. People aren't owed being waited on, no matter how hard they "worked all their life."
Do they except all WOMEN to serve them? Wife, daughters, granddaughters?
Or maybe anyone YOUNGER then them, to include any sons, son-in-laws grandsons?
Or just all & sundry must obey 😤
I have had the finger pointed at me. Dressed up politely as "I'm sure you would like to help ... there." Actually No, I wouldn't - and I have already said No. Then I saw the gaze & finger move on to my daughter. (Coz obviously that kind of mess can only be done by women..)
Hire yourself a MAID or MANSERVANT Sir. (Or whatever the modern non-gender term may be!)
Sorry, more venting.
I just had a conversation with my father. I got bad news at the Dr., not gonna die tomorrow I don’t think, but the kind of news that says, “get your sh*t together and make changes RIGHT THE F… NOW!!!!!” The biggest issue in my life is stress, and the biggest stressor is my job. Really, literally, it’s tearing me apart (that’s actually a fair definition of what it’s happening).
I’m very honest and tried to explain to him that the job has to go. It’s local, near him, and he likes having me available. He starts crying, maybe for me, but the first question was “who will take care of my mail?” WELL, NOT ME IF I’M DEAD!!!!! I got angry with him (part of my problem along with loads of frustration and being treated like sh*t).
And now he’ll stay up all night worrying too and he is legally blind, so mail is a real thing.
I know he cares for me, and he knows I hate what they’ve done to me, but he’s scared he’ll have to go into a home, or something, if I get a new job. That he won’t be able to take care of himself, but no caregiver can give care if they aren’t walking around on this planet.
Go with that feeling, and tell it like it is.
My dad acted like I asked him to cut a finger off when I told him he wasn't in a restaurant and needed to put his dirty dishes in the sink. I don't think I was asking for anything unreasonable. I did pay for the food, prepare and serve it, I would be doing the dishes and putting them away. Quite frankly, it really was the least he could do.
Tell them what you expect and enforce it.
It seems when our parents have been retired for a while, they forget what it was like when they worked and raised kids. The ten hour days, getting ready for work, driving to and from work and then working 8 hrs. Coming home to get dinner ready, washing up and then get the kids ready for bed. Or, running home to get kids to their xtra curricular stuff and grabbing dinner on the run. That their children worked hard too.
You being in ur 40s, your parents need to understand that you have lives that do not revolve around them. You have jobs, a family that come first. If they need the lawn mowed and can't do it anymore, they need to pay someone to do it. Not expect u to mow your lawn and theirs too. Not expect you to clean their house and yours too. Hire a cleaning lady.
Ignore them. Do what you feel comfortable in doing. Do not feel you need to contribute to them financially. If they have problems paying bills, ask to see their finances. May be spending where they don't need to. If they won't share their finances, then they get no help. My MIL complained to one of her sons she needed a new pump. She told him it was going to cost her $1000. He gave it to her. I asked why, she had at least 40k in CDs. She could have drawn on that even if there was a penalty.
EVERYONE WHO EVER HAD TO EARN THEIR OWN LIVING HAS WORKED HARD THEIR WHOLE LIFE!
This being said, they are certainly not alone. Also, they weren't slaves or indentured servants working hard their whole life for free either.
They received payment for their work and usually excellent benefits as well. What other generation could afford to have several kids, a wife at home who isn't out earning, and still be able to house, feed, and provide health insurance for their family on one regular income?
Did they really pay all that much in taxes considering what gets paid out on their behalf in their dotage?
My father went to work when he was 12 years old in 1938. He did not fully retire from working until he was over 70. He got nothing for free from the government or anyone else.
He never complained a moment in his life about how hard he had to work or for how long. He was a selfish man. Left nothing to his children and didn't give any of us anything more than the basics of life. Food, shelter, clothing, health care. He spent his money as he wanted and enjoyed it. He never complained about working and did not expect any of his kids to take care of him. He really didn't. I can respect that.
The seniors of today need to get put in their place and corrected about what they think they are fairly owed.
I never understood the elderly entitlement behavior that their adult kids and grandkids should do for them because they don't want to pay for something.
Why not? If they worked their entire life and have money, that's what it's supposed to be for.
Also, you can't take it with you. Many of our senior "loved ones" think they can.
But if someone says "I worked hard all my life and I deserve a...new car, once in a lifetime cruise, a new stove, a bathroom remodel..or whatever it is I have no problem with that.
And if an adult child tries to prevent the purchase of that "once in a lifetime cruise" or new car, stove...because that will leave less for inheritance THAT I have a problem with.
Now if dad is asking YOU and your husband to do things for him because he does not want to spend money on a person to come in and do for him..I understand.
If you want to and your husband as well...tell dad I / we can give you 1 Saturday a month to come and do some things that need to get done. YOU pick the Saturday, you pick the amount of time. During the month dad can make a list of things that need to get done and you can work off that list. If you told him you can give him 3 hours..at the end of 3 hours you leave. If things are not done they can wait of dad can hire someone to do the rest. If you finish everything either visit for a bit with no expectations of what is next or you leave.
BUT if this is ongoing and the list never ends it might be time to talk to him about AL or if he can manage for himself Independent Living where he will have no "honey do lists" that take up time.
Some of the hallmark personality changes in dementia are loss of ability to use reason and logic, short-term memory loss, and loss of ability to empathize with and for others. And these elders are often described as stubborn as well.
Instead of "hoping" he does certain things, now you will need to politely tell him to do what you want or need from him. Ignore his entitled comments and change the topic, redirect the conversation, even cut him off from completing the sentance by pointing at something or pretending you just remembered something to tell him. This may extinguish the unwelcomed commenting. As he changes with aging decline, you will need to relearn how to interact with him so that it can be peaceful and productive. I wish you all the best in this.