Loss of a friend and a rant...
I have talked about my friend on the forum. The one that whines but never does anything for herself. She passed away from stomach Cancer the morning after Thanksgiving probably alone in a NH and not one of our better ones. She had been quarantined to her room pretty much since April. After being in the hospital, solitary quarantined. I had done what I could, sent books, cards, cancer caps and flowers. They opened up a little recently but I chose not to visit because our NHs are hotbeds. So far my DH and I have been able not to contract the virus. In our 70s, don't think it wise to push it.
Why did a 71 year old woman end up in a NH? ... because she would not to for herself. I think she felt it was beneath her to use the resources she could. Yes, suggestions were made but always an excuse why she was not able to take advantage of them. She was a "Debbie Downer" as one mutual friend puts it. She would complain how hard it was to get rides to her doctors. But she wouldn't take advantage of the Senior Bus or our transit system. She had a bad heart, diabetes and was diagnosed with Parkinsons a while back. She had only her SS and pension so may have qualified for Medicaid in home aides. No, she didn't want strangers in the house. She was estranged from her sons and I am sure the fault was hers. She tended to be passive-aggressive. She lived in an apartment that was not equipped for the needs she had. She finally moved to a low income handicapped accessible apt when her world really fell apart. She had fallen and broken her femur and contracted COVID in the hospital. This fall was not her first one and at one point had OD'd on her oxy. So off to rehab she goes. The 100 days are up. She is now 24/7 care, I am assuming, and no one to care for her so the NH cannot release her. The NH is now her home.
I am sure she blamed her boys that it was their fault where she was. But its not. If she had lived her life a little differently, this may not have been her outcome. She should have had family around her. But her neediness and attitude pushed people away. It was never her but the other person. Me being one of them after a nasty VM about something I had nothing to do with. She expected too much from people. Yes, she was lonely and was trying to reach out to old friends and classmates. The problem was that after 40/50 years these classmates had moved on. They are now retired. Kids are grown and they now have grands. Some live out of state and have a circle of friends there. Yes, I felt sorry for her. She was an only child of older parents and they had been gone a while. But I could not fill that hole. I had the care of Mom, help with grandsons and a disabled nephew.
I am writing this not so much to say plan now for your future. I am writing it to say, do what you can for yourself and be as independent as you can be. Don't expect others to be there. The more you do for yourself the more people will be willing to help. Take advantage of the resources out there. Try not to burden your love ones. Don't put guilt trips on them. My girlfriend was good at that. She was invited to a Christmas dinner with her son and his wifes side of the family. She told me she said at the party how nice it was to see her son and family because she rarely sees them. Well if she hadn't talked smack about son's wife maybe she would have seen more of them. Well, a couple of years ago second son told her he was spending Christmas with older brother but she was not invited because of the drama she causes. Her sons were able to visit her in the NH. I pray they made amends but look at all the years lost.
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She's turned herself into a completely isolated, hateful, nasty individual. DH has decided that he can no longer have anything to do with her, not even a phone call.
I quit seeing her 10 months ago and will never see her again.
Sad thing is, she HAS a ton of family & a very supportive neighborhood, but she hates everyone. Had she been remotely kind to most of us, she's have a lot of friends. As it is, only her daughter sees her. She has 22 great grandkids, 10 of whom she's never seen. And doesn't care to see.
She'd scream at me if I go to be the 'buffer zone' for DH. I'd sit there like an idiot and take her abuse and literal screaming. She'd bring up stuff that happened 45 years ago--like, when DH and I were engaged we stayed out late (midnight or 1) and she couldn't go to sleep worrying about what we were doing down in that basement (STUDYING: we were STUDYING). She states that she has not slept since 1975. Because of me. She actually asked DH if he would please divorce me so she could have 'a moment's peace in this life'.
Tip of the iceberg. She's a cautionary tale about how miserable you can make yourself by comparing your life to someone else and always coming up short.
She just turned 90 on Sunday. Had a drive by 'party'. DH refused to go and she didn't even NOTICE he wasn't there.
So sad, really. Her life could be filled with love and family and friends and she slowly but surely drove everyone away.
From this forum I have been made aware of personality disorders. I think my friend and MIL suffered from the same disorder. They have expectations of how people should act and when those people don't meet those expectations, they get mad. The lying, for my MIL it was a way to make her look good at the expense of someone else. FIL had died. For some reason MIL felt that her #1 son should spend Christmas with her. He said he couldn't because he would still be working during the Winter break. She then told him she had breast cancer. My SIL called me and asked why I hadn't told her...I said I knew nothing about it. But, her friend had just had it and MIL had helped her. No one ever called her out on the lies she told. Her sister said she was like that as a kid. My friend did the same thing. She had Chrones, she had MS. I think lies. Attention getters. But, I do think they are born with this problem. Both could never see where they were wrong.
Yes, GF had a sad life but of her own making. I wish as a friend I had told her long ago that its not always everyone else.
Just curious what she was like before diabetes, Parkinson's, bad heart, falls, cancer, and etc.
I know that most of us absolutely DREAD being a burden on our children. At 78 I now try to stay as healthy as I am able not only for ME but for those who will start to worry. My kids don't need to hear about every little ache, pain, fractured tooth, and MD appointment. I saved like mad all my life so as to never burden on others with my care needs. But this is what I learned at my parents' knees. They were the same. I even divest myself of all the odds and ends and trinkets and such that no one really wants, and pass on now the things they DO. I try to keep it simple, organized and let them know where all the papers are, and etc. My bro was the same and in his last years when he needed me it so eased the way.
Appreciate the rant, and can read the mourning for all she caused in her own life between the lines. When the love of friends and children becomes burden and obligation it is a sad thing for all concerned.