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I am going through the same thing with my parents. They don't have any serious illnesses like your mom, but they are up in their 90s and daddy keeps telling me he is afraid of dying, mom is the opposite, she wants to die. It is so sad to see how miserable they are, but I wish Florida was one of those states that has assisted suicide. If that is what they wished we would honor their wishes. Your mom will be all right, treatments have come a long way. I know a lot of friends that have had rectal, color cancer and are survivors now. Prayers for her.
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I will pray for your mother and for you as her caregiver. Perhaps after treatment she can regain some of her strength and be able to put things in the right frame of mind decreasing the I want to die statements. In general colon cancer is a more "curable cancer" so it is not unrealistic to have more hope.

Good luck.
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You don't say how old, but it doesn't seem to matter. We do tend to carry our parents' reactions and attitudes to our own lives, whether we realize it or not. Maybe getting her to talk about what happened to her father and how she felt at the time would help. You don't say if she is religious - if so, maybe it would help to talk to her about what dying means to her. And then segue into what living means to her. You could tell her what her living means to you and your family. It is so easy only to see what is happening to you and what you THINK it will be like. My sister had a colostomy and the bag that goes with it. It was eventually reversed, but it was a drag, no doubt. But it wasn't the end of the world - and dying is the end of this world. Your mom needs to vent her fear and discomfort and anger and all she is feeling... including, well, what the bag is full of. Forgive me, but better that she gets her feelings out and you can give her supportive and positive ones to replace them. Have a good cry together, it's so good for the soul. My mom was not conscious for several days at the end. She didn't get to say goodbye. We had to say it and hope she heard.She was very religious and that was a comfort for us. But my mom's last word to me, when she was briefly awake, was in answer to my asking how she felt. I had no idea that would be the last time we would speak. So talk to her, and let her vent and tell her how important she is. That is what I will pray for you.
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It must be very hard on you as well as her. I will be praying for both of you. Trust in the Lord that what ever happens is His will.
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Damned if you do and damned if you don 't. We didn't want to go against Dad's wishes either and did not push him to get surgery that may well have given us another few years with him. I know what it's like to wish you were dead...but most of the time people don't really mean it. What they wish is that the pain....the misery...the whatever...would just go away.
One sure way to honor her wishes and still encourage her to get the bag (if needed...it may not be) is to tell her that cancer surgery has come a long way and that you and all the other children can not imagine your lives without her. It would grieve you all terribly if you let her miss out on even more time feeling good and being with you because she hastened her death unnecessarily. But you will respect her wishes after she has really listened to the experts and given it lots of thought. Just don't say any of it until the verdict is in.
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My prayers go out to you and your mother and family. I will pray for you asking for a complete healing of your mom both physically and mentally.

I have to say that I understand why your mother is saying what she is, but I also understand why it is so upsetting to hear it. My mother did not have cancer but she spoke continually of wanting to die. She would become upset or argue with us over anything and her "go to line" was "I will be glad when I am gone and out of here!" In her mind her life was over, my father and her husband of 60 years was gone and therefore she felt that she had no reason to keep living. We talked with her many times about how she had 3 daughters, 5 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren and we all needed her, but she never believed us or at least that is what she said.

The only thing she would agree to doing in a flash was going to the cemetery and putting flowers on all the relatives graves. She wanted to be with my father and her parents and brother and sister again and because she believed in heaven, that is where she wanted to be.

Although my mom wound up being severely injured in a nursing home and passing away, she is at least where she wanted to be now. She died September 17th as I stood by her bedside putting on gloves so I could stroke her hair.

Now my sisters and I are dealing with guilt that we placed her into a "good" nursing home and within 2 1/2 weeks she suffered blunt force trauma to the head and 4 brain bleeds and died about 9 days later. I had cared for her for 8 years, she was my best friend and I miss her greatly!

God Bless You All!
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I am praying for your mom and your family.
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When someone is going through something so very hard to handle, they may often say "I want to die" instead of "I can't stand this!"
OTH, if the person has had bouts of depression in their lives, it could be something to be concerned about--to ask Doc if she might need some supportive help to get through it--counseling, meds, better nutrition.
ALOE inner leaf gel juice is what our patients getting radiation for gut cancers, have used to reduce bleeding and irritation far faster. It can also help with chafing, other skin irritations.
It's one of the only things known to heal gut tissues injured by radiation treatments, when there's tissues left to heal. Using stuff that can gently relieve chaffing and irritations, helps.

We look for the kind that comes in brown glass bottles, which has nothing but 100% pure aloe inner leaf gel. Some has a tiny bit of ascorbic acid in it as preservative, but it's fine.
Avoid getting anything that says "whole leaf"---the skin of the leaf contains chemicals that slow healing, and make the product useless except as a laxative.
Usually at health food store, or online; food Co-Op stores usually carry it; some drugstores carry it.
Read the labels!

Veronica91 said it very well!
Hospitals usually have a colostomy expert who can do patient education on it, too.
That is done in privacy of one's room, or an office.
Waiting until she recovers better, is helpful, too.
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My heart goes out to you, my Mum has rectal cancer and dementia, there is currently only bleeding and no pain. One day its likely I will be reaching out on this forum and making the same request. SO you have MY prayers!
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I don't blame your Mother for fearing cancer ---I helped my late husband through it until his death. I've never witnessed pain and illness like that. He was sicker from the meds then he was the cancer --the surgery left him almost im-mobile. If they even utter the c word at me I might be tempted to say just let me go. You can't know how Mom feels and the terror and lack of fight they feel. There's nothing to compare that horrible thing--cancer--the only thing that gave Mike any kind of respite from the illness and pain to some degree was "pot". Ugly word I know but it allowed him to be off that "oxy crap medication ---and be a little bit like himself.
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I will keep you in my prayers.
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Mom certainly has the right to refuse surgery or further treatment. She may not have had some of the worse side effects but is still very dibilitating and takes months to recover from.
She is down right now but in a few months when she feels better she might be ready to seek further treatment if it is advisable.
Wanting to die is a valid emotion and she may actually be ready to meet the Lord and reunite with loved ones. Encourage her to talk about her reasons for feeling this way and try to allay any fears she had. In 1970 colostomy bags were big rubber things that had to be emptied and washed and tied to the body and often leaked. Now you simply stick a devisce over the opening attach a plastic bag which is held in place with a rubber band and when full the whole thing is disposed of and a new bag attached. If she can go out take her to a pharmacy and have them show her the device. When things are demystified it takes a lot of the fear away. If further treatment is simply prolonging a miserabel life then call hospice and concentrate on the quality of her remaining time. She is still in her right mind so don't pressure her to do things that may be what you want but you are not the one who may face the major surgery involved. Pray for her but pray for what is best for her not what you want. The risks involved may not be worth the result.
There is often a group of people available to talk to people who face a colostomy. They will have one themselves are can demonstrate that a normal life is possible.I recently saw a picture on the internet of a young woman in a bikini wearing a colostomy bag. She was on a mision to taky the mystery and shame out of it.
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I just wanted to let you, in her 80s my mom had colon cancer stage 3B and went through colon surgery and a year of chemo. She is now cancer free. She does not have the colostomy bag. You can barely see her surgical scar. Her cognition was not (in our case) impacted by her surgery. Her surgery was Christmas Eve, 2012.

I also wanted to share, I volunteered on the suicide prevention hotline for period of two years. In our training we learned when a parent (your grandfather - was he your mom's father?) commits suicide then the likely a child will commit suicide increases by something like 50%-70%. I can not remember the exact statistic. The point is, he set the example. His choices then are impacting her choices now.

I agree with the writers (above) who suggested speaking positive for modern medicine. I also love the caregiver above who said, "elder care is a unique example of having the ability to lead and follow simultaneously" .

Sending prayers your way.
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You should feel lucky.....after dealing with my mother.......I'm the one say that I want to die! I love love for any of you to "walk in my shoes" and experience what I've had to live with and endure. I'm sure compared to my story.....all of you are on just a "cake walk"! After my mothers dies.....I'm sure I'll need therapy/counseling. Caregiving is living h*ll.
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Of course we will all wish your mother good health, but if the tumor is small and the regular chemo did not get it, my suggestion is to go to the Cancer Centers of America where they are using pin point laser therapy to eradicate tumors without chemo in some cases. You don't say how old your mother is, but going under anesthesia is dangerous for most in senior years (i.e. Joan Rivers). We all say "want to die" statements at any given point in our lives, so I would not hold your mother to that comment. She wants to live, otherwise she would not have wanted chemo. Keep up the fight, and never, never, never give up! (Winston Churchill said that)
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Definitely I will say prayers for you and your mom! He just got rid of a lot of back pain for me! The doc thought I had a fracture and the MRI showed no fracture in my spine. Pain is gone. Prayers do work. At least 50 people prayed for me on prayer groups, church, and on Facebook. My dad had his colon tumor removed by surgery at age 75. He lived another 15 years of a healthy lifestyle. He walked everyday and lived his faith through love of family and church. She might want to go ahead with the surgery. Dad had three feet of his colon removed. He never had anymore trouble with it. But he did have a lot of colonscopies!
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I believe that we serve a Great physician. His healing power is greater than any thing we could ask for or think. Believe me that my father had a brain tumor the size of a golf ball in the middle of his head. Through radiation and God's prayers he was healed. So God is a big God and he says nothing is impossible to those who believe on his name. It is true find something to make her have a reason to live. ASk her what would make her happy right now.
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I am sending prayers too. Everything has been said by those who have already answered. I am 75 and can understand the feeling of having finished my job in life and being ready to move on when the call comes. Your love for your mother shines through.
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Dear "Mom Wants to Die", My name is Susan. My mother died with ovarian cancer. She said the same thing...she even begged me to put her down or poison her....yes, put her down like you do with a dog or cat or horse, etc.

But there is one much greater who takes all the pain away. God is the only one who can heal her. I am praying for you both as I write this. God's word tells us that when two or more gather in His name, the name Jesus Christ, that His Father will lean His ear down from Heaven and answer our prayers lifted up on behalf of others and prayed in the name of Jesus. So I join with these others here lifting up your mom to be healed. AMEN

Also, I would like ot share that the American Red Cross is in desperate need of DOUBLE RED BLOOD CELLS for cancer patients. Did you know that when you give blood you save the lives of 3 adults or 5 children???

Call the American Red Cross and find out how you can give DOUBLE RED BLOOD CELLS. These are the ones used to treat cancer patients.

God bless you, your mom and your readers to this post.

In Christ,

Susan Bondurant
First Baptist Church Jonesboro
Jonesboro, GA 30236
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Sending you prayers for healing and comfort. Perhaps encourage your mom to speak to her doctors about her fears over surgery and colostomy? Medicine has come a long way since 1970 and options are much greater. Either way I am praying for both your mom and for you
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i think you should exhibit your own faith in modern medicine as often as you can around your mom . the va just wiped out hepc in me this spring after 3 failed attempts over 15 years . even after all those failures i had so much trust in their new medicines that it even seemed to rub off onto the care team . i can respect other peoples faith in an intervening power but " we " had plans for a positive outcome based on our faith in gillead sciences .
i would also recommend trying to improve your mothers QOL in small ways that will give her more to look forward to . my mother always looked forward to good homecooked meals . for my aunt its just peaceful little truck rides in the countryside . for both the feeling of being in control of their surroundings meant a lot to them . elder care is a unique example of having the ability to lead and follow simultaniously . loss of control is a major cause of agitation in the elderly . documented fact ..
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More than happy to offer up a prayer, as well as cross fingers and toes for her. It's so hard not to cross bridges before we come to them, isn't it? - but here's hoping the cancer is defeated and that's one bridge she'll never get to.
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Sending you prayers and hugs. I know it is difficult to hear her say she wants to die if the tumor is still there. However, it is a release valve for your mom when she says it. Like Mildrednewark said, it is better than her keeping it pent up inside. My mom likes to say, "Oh well, if she dies she dies." When started saying that it bothered me. Now I let it roll off my back. She's been saying for 20 years and she is still here. Good luck "TheBoogs", remember we are all here for you.
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Prayers for you . She must be so scared. But she also knows that if she dies there is no more pain or sickness. God will take care of it let her talk all she wants it is better than keeping it inside. How old is your Mom? Gods Blessings on you and your Mom.
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Prayers for your mom and all of you. I hope everything turns out well. I'm glad that you respect her wishes about surgery or further treatment however. I do feel that is her right. Now, show probably just so miserable and also scared that she's saying she wants to die, but we can hope and pray that she will be fine in awhile. Take care,
Carol
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She must be very uncomfortable, and scared. She'll get tougher, she's just new at this. :) Adding my prayer that she will get past this as physically capable as possible... and most of all that the fear will subside, on everyone's part. It sounds like there's a lot of support there, which makes all of you very blessed indeed. Best wishes.
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May your mother's condition become for the better and to be able to have the quality of life each and everyone of us hope for in our elder years.
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In prayer for your mother and for your family. I have some personal experience with what you are going through. Please know that her spirit is always safe.
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I am praying for your mum, and for you.

Such a stigma attached to colostomies, but they are so much more discreet these days, and often reversible (resectioning often works now)

You don't say how old your mum
Is, or her quality of life taking this out of the equation?

My nan died of bowel cancer. I am terrified if getting it. I think you have to allow your mum to feel what she is feeling, but is there a nice colo rectal consultant in the hospital who can sit and talk with her about her fears?

I don't know if she is too set in her ways to listen, but if there is someone she likes/respects it may help her attitude?

Ar some point you have to consider who you are keeping them alive for. We can sometimes be selfish.

Just pray to our Lord that whatever is his will be done here with the least suffering for your mum. It's not giving up, but it does tale the weight and guilt off your shoulders when in a situation that in reality you have so little control over.
PrYing got me through my mum's recent passing. Total trust in God's will gave me much needed peace towards the end. I fought and fought with the consultants. Exhausted me and just prolonged mum's death rather than extended her life.

I do pray for you all.
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Prayers for her and for you. I am sorry for your struggles. Is there something that your mom loves and will life for? Maybe an older dog or cat a gold fish. Something to love and care about more than herself. Even a plant. Sending prayers
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