My 74 year old MIL is delusional. She's accused us of stealing her money, cancelling her burial insurance, leaving her alone, and other things. We live with her because we lost our house in 2013 and have no way to move somewhere else. She named my 20 year old nephew with Tourette's and ADHD her primary caregiver and he can't even remember to check his school email. She hordes her dirty underwear and tells her social workers I make her do it. She's absolutely convinced every social worker who comes to see her that we're the cause of all her problems and they refuse to interview us. She's verbally and emotionally abusive. I'm afraid she's going to file a police report one day when we haven't done anything wrong. If I offer to quit my job to take care of her she gets mad and tells me I'm stupid. I tell her that's the only way I'll have time to take care of her and she suggests I should cut back on my sleep. (I only get 4-6 hours a night because she crashes around the living room in her power chair at 2, 4, and 6 AM at least three nights a week.) She specifically asks me to do things for her, then gets mad when I do them and tells me she never asked me to do those things.
I have no idea what to do. Her doctor won't listen to me, her social workers won't listen to me, her brother won't listen to me...It's live on the streets or live in fear of being charged with crimes we didn't commit. My husband, her son, has fibromyalgia and he gets the worst of it. She berates him and tells him he's not really sick when it's all he can do to get out of bed some days. If anyone has any suggestions I'd appreciate them.
The nephew lives with us because he's in school. The MIL raised him his whole life and sheltered him badly so my husband and I have been trying to teach him life skills but it's been hard because the MIL refuses to see him as an adult. He understands that he has to go live his own life. He will have his associate's in 3 semesters, so it won't be that long. But he really cannot live on his own yet. He has no resources of his own whatsoever.
Tomorrow morning I'm getting the ball rolling for section 8. But it can take several months. There is not a shelter around here who will take all three of us and if I leave the nephew with the MIL he'll never have his own life, just be stuck taking care of her for the rest of hers.
We're getting out, but its a weekend and my hands are tied. I'm doing everything I can to research options while everything's closed. When things are open tomorrow morning I can get more answers.
If your husband is satisfied with the current situation, you need to apply for section 8 by your lonesome. He may be perfectly happy to stay with mama instead of with you.
Get the ball rolling. I'm sorry, but selfish old people do tear families apart, and you don't deserve to be abused by anyone. She is abusing you, and by your husband not standing up to his mama, he is abusing you psychologically as well. If you are ready to leave, you can contact an abused woman's shelter for advice.
The social worker did not come. The MIL called her and told her that we'd had a fight ( I was standing right there listening to the whole thing) but we had come to an agreement and for now everything was fine.
What was that agreement you ask? I literally must do everything around the house and for her by myself. If she sees my husband or my 20 year old nephew who lives with us help me, she loses her mind. In return, we have to be out no later than Thanksgiving next year but sooner is better. The social worker refuses to speak to me.
I do not have POA, nor can I get it because I'm the daughter in law. I am looking for work in another town where the rent is cheaper. (My job is also very toxic and I was trying to find something else anyway. This just changes my focus of my search.)
Since the fight on Friday night she has asked me twice if I've found another place for us to go. I've been up until 2 AM the last two nights, and if I go try to sleep she crashes around the living room until I get up and do whatever it is she wants me to do. It's like she knows when I'm trying to sneak in some self-care.
I'm exhausted and it's back to work tomorrow for overtime. I feel like the prisoner of a histrionic hobgoblin in a power-chair.
How did it go with the social worker Saturday?
So now we're going to be homeless. If the social worker doesn't bring us up on charges too.
Before we left she arranged to have people come and look in on her every day. She refused to give me the numbers of these people. When we got back the social workers suggested we shouldn't have left.
It just goes on and on. I'm calling BRHA on Monday. I'm not sure at this point even I'm sane after everything we've endured.
I'm not sure what's going on with your mom. Does she have dementia? Maybe others don't see it yet, but it does start out with that kind of bizarre and ugly behavior sometimes. Sadly, if that is what it is, she will go downhill. Often something drastic will happen and you'll be needed to step in. The irrational meanness can suddenly turn into someone who is frightened, confused and childlike.
Probably the safest place is affordable housing. If your husband is depressed and "not up to" the challenge of getting the POA he's also not up to the challenge of defending himself from elder abuse charges in court. In your own home there would be no evil prison guard waking you guys up at all hours of the night like Mom is doing right now. Go apply for housing today, and don't bother telling Mom.
Get your husband to a psychiatrist who can prescribe antidepressants meds if he's not on already! Get out of there!
If we tell her we're going to get section 8 she gets all pouty and defensive and begs us not to leave.