Just for background, I’m 24 and I’ve lived with my grandparents since I was born. They brought me home from the hospital and I’m very grateful for having them in my life. They do have two kids, which is my mom and my uncle and they’re very well off. I’ve kind of made a promise to myself to take care of them in the best that I can. My sister also lives here with me as well. I’m seeking advice because over the past couple of years my grandpa has started to show signs of dementia and has started medication for it and while I love my grandparents very much it’s been really hard on me. I don’t get a lot of sleep at night and I do work 10 hours a day to try to help support them as well financially. My-30 year-old sister lives here and doesn’t really take on a lot of the responsibility of caregiving and the financial burden, when she can’t pay her portion, I do have to pick up the slack. I love my grandparents very much but my Grand Father needs total care and can’t really even use the bathroom by himself. He stays up all night screaming and my grandma gets really frustrated with him. I guess I’m just trying to figure out. Would it be selfish of me to want to move out? I’ve talked to my boyfriend about it and he said that I have paid my debt to them and it’s time for their children to pick up the slack now. I guess I would just feel guilty if they were to decline once I leave because I do everything they go to the store help them pay their rent and move things around the house, but it’s going to be a lot on me emotionally because I feel like I’m losing a lot of my life. It just makes me very emotional tear up, thinking about it. Any advice helps.
(2) Your boyfriend is totally right.
(3) Get the word guilt out of your vocabulary. You didn't cause their old age, you didn't create their financial situation, and you certainly don't need to take on the problem of your sister as well.
(4) Grandfather needs 24/7 care in a facility where they are equipped to give him the care he deserves. The only reason he's not in one already is that you've propped him up. That's not in his best interest at all! He needs more, and you are not trained to handle him. Tell mom and uncle you're out of there, then go. You can be g'parents' bright and shining star from afar, and you can visit when it's appropriate. Life is waiting for you, and you have more happiness and more options than you think. Good luck in growing up! It's time.
Before you move, write down all the things you want to do by yourself alone without your boyfriend.
Go to a restaurant and eat a meal in peace and be able to enjoy my food.
Also write yourself a little note and on that note give a date of when you will likely get a call/txt from your family needing help...... It won't be long.
When they do ask for help, reply with short blunt responses.
Nope, sorry can't do that right now.
No, I can not come over and help you do ______
You will need to set firm unbreakable boundaries and enforce them. it's time for your mother/Uncle to take care of their parents. Not you. You are 24 and deserve a life.
No, that's not selfish. You need to start saving for your own retirement. You can love people, but be unable to do all the things dementia patients need. That's why memory care facilities exist.
You could call Adult Protective Services when you move out, and ask them to do an evaluation of your grandparents' situation. They can determine what next action to take, if any.
In particular, keep your own money for your own needs. Living independently is exhilarating but also will bring new expenses. You've earned your freedom, now take it! Let us know how it goes. A lot of us here will be rooting for you.
24 is a good time to be leaving the home you've known for all these years.
Not selfish at all. It's what people do. Your Grandparents are your family, there is no debt. It is the most normal thing to do, leaving the nest.
Start dreaming of a good place to live and work on your own. You can visit.
Take your own advice, without any guilt.
Sounds like your Grandpa actually may now need medication for his agitation so that your Grandma can deal with him better and for his own ability to function. I think moving out is good (and don't move in with your BF please, for multiple reasons that are not even religious) and start flying on your own. Yes, it will probably shock and disappoint clueless relatives but expect it and do not let it deter you. You don't owe them any explanation. Simply tell them you wish to live idendepently and build your own life while you have the opportunity. It's their problem to solve (not even your Mom's and Uncle's) and as long as you live in that house you will be their only solution. You need an emotional boundary and a physical boundary.
Don't let them pressure, threaten or guilt you into staying. Make the plans to move out discretely, get them in place THEN tell them. Don't tell anyone in advance but give them 2 weeks before you actually move. No more than 2 weeks.
Move out and move on.