Never thought I'd be pouring my thoughts out to strangers like this but I don't know anyone who's caring for, much less living with their parent. I'm 54, married, my kids are young adults on their own. 20 years ago, Dad was diagnosed with Alz and unable to drive. My parents lived in their home and Mom (she's now 90) fought all changes, including legal matters. Suddenly unable to spend every single day socializing, she began calling my sister, in tears, to come get them for a few days. Few years later, Dad went into a nursing home and Mom began staying longer and longer stretches with my sister and with me (2000 miles away). By the time Dad passed 10 years ago, Mom was spending very little time in her home, telling us she just couldn't be alone. She was physically capable of being home alone (wears a full leg brace but no other health issues) if she hired someone coming in to do housework and yardwork. She came from a large, overbearing family and thrives on having people around ALL THE TIME. So she hated the idea of having to deal with having time alone. We tried to discuss senior apartments, options with her but she would turn on the waterworks and utter things about how she was a burden and a bother and everyone would reassure her that "oh, no, we love having you" and all discussions of her creating her own life were gone. She is a master of guilt and manipulation. After 3 more years of essentially living with us,we got her to at least sell the house, rather than my sister continuing to clean and mow etc. Now she needed to make a decision, which she refused and so ended up spending 6 months with each us. She told her friends we made her sell the house and how she was a nomad with no home. She still loves socializing but will not go anywhere unless my sister or I go too, including to a senior center, lunches with family and friends. She has no interests except reading and watching TV and those are just fillers. She has no desire to make new friends, preferring to co-opt mine. She expects us to be with her every free moment we have - we both work fulltime jobs so not a lot of free time here. I leave work, go home and cook dinner while she chats about whatever, watch TV with her at night and go to bed. Weekends, I'm expected to spend my weekend with my 90 year old mother. If I take time for me, she wilts or is sullen. She expects to attend social gatherings with our friends, and they all think she's just so sweet, they encourage it. What they don't know is that this lady has always been "all about me" - when she listens so empathetically to them, her motive is that they feed her "aren't you wonderful" need. She thrives on being fawned over and so is just so supportive and caring. She tells friends and family all of our business so we've learned to be very careful what we tell her. Ironically, with her own daughters, she can't give the support if she thinks it will diminish her attention. So when Dad died, she never hugged us and comforted us and acknowledged that we lost our Dad because in her mind, that would diminish her role as the grieving widow. In fact, she was visably bugged when we reminisced about Dad a couple days after he passed because it wasn't about her. So, here's where we are: My sister (59) just lost her husband and after spending 35 years as a caregiver, has said enough. We believe that Mom's vision of her living with Sis is they will be like the Golden Girls - movies,visiting various friends and relatives, dinners,watching TV together every evening - contemporaries. Sis however is looking at life after many years of taking care of a sick hubbie, whom she'd adored. There's no way Mom will be ok with sitting home alone while Sis takes classes, does volunteer work, creates her new phase. BTW,Sis and I are extremely close. So Sis has said "done" and Mom is currently with me. DH is adament that we are NOT going to be the fulltime caregivers and I understand that, esp. as his parents are also elderly and we are the only kids in town to care for them. (They, however,are functional, having taken the steps they needed to keep them in their home safely). She can be alone during the day, we think but are concerned as she has fallen a couple times. She can't be left alone overnight which means we can't leave town for a weekend. Because she hates being alone, she has no understanding of my need to have "me" time. DH has been phenomenal all these years, but is wanting to travel, for me to have time for my interests after raising our brood and is starting to say "ok, we need to change something here". Plus he got a rare look at how selfish and mean spirited she can be (only about 6 people have seen this side) as she ripped me apart because I said she needed to see a doctor about her weakening good leg. So, you all have been thru this - how do I deal with this mess now that she's been living with us???? BTW - if you're contemplating this living setup, please realize your first obligation is your own family -discuss, think, pray first.
Oh and for the record my parents took in my grandfather for a time until his passing and I have to believe that he was far happier as a result.
Who are you caring for? Do they love dogs, too? What if they didn't? Or had allergies? Would you give up your dogs for them?
Just curious.
Must feel good to know what is right for all of humanity.
Sounds like she needs to be evaluated for dementia.
My mother was the same way, but she had mental illness before dementia.
It will help if you're all a united front about mom. If it's not safe for her to live alone, then she has to go where she will be safe - the end. That does not have to be anybody's home. She could go into a senior residence. You all have rights and some boundaries are in order here.
She will be mad most likely. There are a lot worse things than mad. Having her in an unsafe situation is a lot worse than her being ticked off. Part of brain degeneration is the loss of emotional controls and filters, so they will start acting like petulant little children having a tantrum. You have to look beyond that behavior and see what's really going on there.
Some will use these techniques as an avoidant behavior. Being mean usually works to keep people away. The logic is child-like. If I can avoid talking or dealing with this scary complicated thing, then it's not happening.
If mom is no longer able to keep herself clean, cook safely, prepare & handle food safely, take her medicine correctly, and is not really in touch with reality, then she can't stay home alone anymore. But again - none of you adult children with established lives do not need to move in to fill in the gaps. I can promise you that would be a disaster.
Two years later, she suffered a couple of TIA's and was in the hospital. While she was there, we learned she had other previously unknown health issues, including CHF. A team of docs and therapists (OT,PT) determined she needed a higher level of care and she was moved to a skilled nursing facility for rehab, then long term care. She's been there 18 months.
She's now in a wheelchair, her vision is diminished, they take good care of her and keep the CHF under control. She's mightily unhappy, part because of aging body, part because she hates the place, part because she can't just do what she's always done and part because she thinks all will be fine if she were in her hometown. For a myriad of reasons (family dynamics, sister's health, weather considerations, etc.), she's in my city. My sister did so much for our folks (Dad had AD), that it was my turn so she could get healthy, emotionally as much as physically.
There was some serious help from above, in that each transition for her coincided with one for us. While she was in AL, my sister and I were able to get our strength back for our next phases. Hers was dealing with health and job stress, mine was my husband's PD diagnosis and the life changes there. In fact, her transition to NH came one month after his PD diagnosis. Because she is cared for and safe, I am able to focus on him. As my MIL's health declined, I've been able to give the inlaws backup.
This is just to point out that our social safety nets are not so bad that old people with limited income have to live on the street. Your mother CAN live somewhere else, and it can be perfectly adequate. She can get the kind of help she needs. For example, when my mom couldn't safely cook she got meals on wheels.
I suggest you go back to the counselor who helped you before, and also that you give up the notion that there are no other options for your mother.
It's gotten better, but now we have to have this argument every 6 to 8 months about alcohol in the home. My mom is basically an alcoholic and agreed twice already not to drink in the home. After half a year or so of being fine, she starts to buy those four-pack bottles of wine to have at home on nights we're out for dinner. It is awful to have to have the same fight every time. She gets angry with me and becomes sullen. She starts ignoring me in my own home and makes it generally uncomfortable for any of us in the house. (She only talks to my husband and our daughter. She goes out of her way to treat me badly.)
I am so angry again. I am sick of paying for her cell phone (unlimited minutes because she REFUSED to honor the time limitations so as to save us money) and everything else. She buys some of her own groceries, but for the most part sits at the table with us and eats whatever we make because she's decided she won't be cooking any longer, other than simple things for herself.
Anyway, I'm pregnant again and am due in June. I am so bummed out that I have to have such an unpleasant presence in the home. I feel so frustrated!!! I feel trapped. She has a very fixed income ($800 for social security) and can't live on her own. Ugh.
Like sandwich, I've quit expecting some things, and accepted some others. My mom will never change. She will always have unreasonable expections of my sister and I, and life in general. She doesn't choose to be happy and we aren't responsible for her happiness, especially as the efforts are futile. And the hardest thing to accept has been that the whole loving, doting mom was an act to get us to do as she wished. It turns out that we could be cast aside as she did friends who no longer did as she wanted. I can't tell you how many times we've been thrown under the bus.
My suggestion to you would be determine what you and your husband need to have happen. Research senior living options for her, a doctor to help her get a handle on the depression. Stay calm and detached when you discuss it - don't get pulled into a big emotional blowup - she'll be pulling out all the stops. Bear in mind that narcissistic moms don't put their spouses or kids first, so she will be expecting you to put her before your husband.
I wish I could tell you that at some point, the struggle lessens. But all you can do is take it one struggle at a time.
We're all sending you vibes for strength and calm.
My mom is a narcissist and has tried to control every aspect of my being for my 40+ years on this earth. I got away for a good number by marrying somebody 1800 miles away.
My husband's mother moved in with us for 6 months once, and then my own mother lived with us for a month in 2013. Both of them had no intentions of going anywhere once they landed, but neither one was compatible with sanity, comfort, or a harmonious home. They had to G-O, go!
You and your husband need to form a united front and explain how it's going to be to your mom. It will be ugly. She will be angry. Just expect it to go over like a lead balloon. She may rant, rage, pout, or even be silent. (I never got lucky and got the silent treatment - if only.)
You guys are YOUNG and deserve to live in a peaceful, harmonious home. You deserve personal time. You deserve to be alone.
If she is still in her right mind, you can do this several ways.
1. Eviction notice. You have to go and you have to be gone by x/x or your stuff will be on the lawn. We had to do this to my mother in law. Lady, if you want grandkids, you need to move out.
2. The obnoxious route. Make life uncomfortable for her. Walk around naked. Have loud sex - often. Play loud music. Invite a ship load of drunken sailors over to play strip charades.
3. Subtle approach. Go with her on tours of some local senior-only apartment buildings. Usually on tours, they'll feed you lunch and she can get a good feel for the place.
4. Combo Platter. Some of all of the above. We stopped tiptoeing around my mother and stopped catering to her every demand. If you're going to be in my house, you're going to have to adjust to it, not the other way around.
You are not responsible for your mother's happiness in life. I had to be over 40 to learn that. I saw to my mom's safety and well being and that was it. We put her in a senior apartment with add on services. She was OK until she realized I wasn't going to be there, camped at her knee 24/7/365. I have a career, a home to clean, kids to wrangle, and a husband to cherish.
I quit expecting my mom to respect me as a separate human being. She's incapable of it. I quit expecting her to understand I have more obligations that she does. I quit expecting her to be reasonable about anything because it just wasn't going to happen.
The book Surviving the Borderline Mother really helped me out. And putting her into a nice reasonable senior place!
That is, if you really want the situation to end. If you value your health more than you fear her disappointment. If your marriage is the most important relationship in your life.
If you don't want to take charge of your living arrangements, expect this to go on for another 30 to 40 years. I guarantee you that Mother is not going to wake up some morning and decide she'd like to move out.
them to spend their lives pacifying and placating me. There is plenty of svientr
She has no friends and doesn't do anything except fidget around the house. She is physically well for the most part, and does a good share of chores. Ladies have tried to befriend her but she wants no friends.
My problem is that she sneaks around, snoops and stalks and eavesdrops. I used to be able to take refuse in my garden but she peeks around corners and wants to "help". . She watches me and wants to help or makes inane comments on what I'm doing. She is driving me nuts!
She fidgets all day with my dogs: feeds them, puts them out, takes them in 5 minutes later, has to report their bladder and bowel habits in detail. Mostly because she has nothing else to do.
She needs medical treatment for depression and to get a life of her own. She refuses medical help because she's "not crazy". Well hell yes she is.
Lately I am so conflicted and guilty wishing for her to be gone.
Thanks for a place to vent!
There is no asking siblings. Most people have to be told what kind of help you need and given a schedule. Have a family meeting and make a plan that involves everyone. If they can't physically help, they certainly should provide some financial assistance if your Mom doesn't have money. I feel non-helping siblings can at least provide you a couple of long weekends each month all to yourself!
This is more than one person can handle 24/7. It may well be time for assisted living or nursing home. You have to take care of yourself first and husband should be your primary responsibility. The two of you earned the right to enjoy these retirement years.