To anyone who is new and posting here:
We are a group of non-professional former and current caregivers.
AgingCare friends: let's tell new posters what they need to know upfront.
I'll start.
1. Don't promise your parent that you will never put them in a nursing home or other facility. Instead, say "I will never abandon you; if you need more care than I can provide, I will see that you get it. "
Wait for it....
Some will be showing up soon, offended by anything I say that they will have something to say.....
Sock-puppets!
And trolls.
I have noticed exactly what you are talking about.
And as for Social Media - that's why I'm not on anything other than this forum and that is as far as it's going to go - it's more than enough for me!
"cwillie," - I've wondered if that was the reason they do it i.e. they don't like the answers so they try again hoping different people will post something they do like. Also, the fact they aren't willing/able to make the necessary changes or maybe it's even just wanting to be told they're right or looking for sympathy.
As I mentioned, I know that even if the OP comes back to their original thread and adds some info., it would still be problematic just like you said and for the reasons you stated. Since I'm not on other forums and don't know how they handle things, I agree with how you think AgingCare could highlight the OP's posts like they do on other forums!
As for the multiple similar threads - Sometimes people don't like the answers they get so they try again a few days or weeks later. And sometimes they aren't willing/able to make changes so the just keep coming back with the same issues. Very often new information posted to a continuing thread is never seen by the people answering because they can't be bothered reading previous posts or the OP has posted them as a reply to an individual so it's harder to find - IMO that could be helped if AgingCare would highlight posts by the OP the way some other forums do.
But it can also be confusing, and wastes time while someone searches to find out if a very familiar thread has already been posted by that person.
There's another option, and that's for people who post often on a similar topic to use a database (in Excel) to keep track of their threads. I finally started doing that b/c there were often threads to which I wanted to refer to and searching was too time consuming.
I like how I think one new poster handled it - they asked their original question, read their responses and then came back to the same thread and gave more information a couple times. I know it still requires commenters to go back but, at least it's on the same page.
I don't know if there's any solution to it, I'm just saying that it makes things a little more difficult to keep it all straight especially if we have limited time to work with.
We need to recognize that we are too close to a situation to judge rationally. We need an objective opinion to help guide us.
We all need help in getting over a hump sometimes. Therapy saved me from going further downhill.
There are many sad tales on here of folks who thought they were doing the right thing by buying a house with an elderly parent in early dementia, or rented a place with a parent, only to have that parent decide that they are being taken advantage of, leaving and leaving the adult child holding the bag (and the lease/mortgage).
In life, do not assume that your parent is going to take care of you in middle age, or that there will be any inheritance after their care needs are taken care of.
Now see it is an older post that I missed and just had a new comment on it.
As it's four packed pages I bet guilt/grief were already addressed. I Guess it bears saying twice; I feel so bad when good people feel inadequate when in reality they are grieving all the things they and their elders suffer.
Guilt belongs to felons who do malice aforethought, willingly and with glee, then expect forgiveness because suddenly they are struck with guilt. Guilt infers that you can change something but you choose not to do so.
Grief is recognizing you cannot fix everything. You are not omnipotent. You are not god. You are a human being with human limitations and the fact that you cannot possibly do everything to make aging and dementia without pain is real. It is worth grieving.
On a recent hour on NPR the subject of grief was discussed and it was said that guilt is often used to prevent our working through grief because we recognize that there is no answer in grief. That it must be felt and worked through.
I'd like to think that this is a supportive site. If you are bullied, or if you get abusive messages, please scroll to the bottom of the page to the "contact" email and report what has happened.
There should be ZERO tolerance for abuse here.
https://www.agingcare.com/aboutus
To new posters:
Follow your gut. Don’t be afraid to disregard poor advice. There isn’t a one size fits all answer to everyone’s inquiries.
Everyone has individual circumstances. Some choose to care for their loved ones at home. Some choose facilities. Neither is right or wrong. You should decide according to what works for you.
Don’t feel like everything is written in stone. Your decisions may change later on, because your circumstances or outlook has changed.
Question things if you want a valid explanation. People that are genuine will not get upset if they are asked to explain.
Be very cautious with anyone giving advice that harshly criticizes your views. You deserve to be shown respect even if you disagree with them.
Most of all you deserve to be supported by everyone on this forum. Caregiving is one of the toughest jobs in the world!
But, I have on occasion taken the time to read a longer post and have been glad I did cause it was interesting and I gained something from reading it. Sometimes all I gained was a headache...............but sometimes it has been worth it.
I'm guilty of that - so sorry and I will keep that it mind!
Hopefully debt is not a factor for family. (I recognize too that some family relationships, many spoken of here, plagued by lingering rage, are too dysfunctional to even produce guilt feelings. Very sad.)
The fear of ABANDONMENT is the real core of this issue. At 80 yrs. old and still living independently, I know this fear all too well. The day may come when I am less than agreeable, less than enjoyable to be around, less attentive to my previous standards of personal hygiene. If this happens, please understand that I don't really like being this way. I just don't feel good most of the time.
But don't feel guilty if you must place me in the care of others! Look for the cleanest, kindest setting you can find. But most important, don't desert me. Let me know that even if I'm not at my previous best, maybe not even near it, you still care.
There should be ZERO tolerance for abuse here.
https://www.agingcare.com/aboutus
Remember to say NO and don’t feel guilty!
Don't get into a situation where you are the full time caregiver and need to beg your sibling who has POA for approval for payment, respite or reimbursement for supplies.
Understand Medicaid regs BEFORE you jump into caring for your parent and don't be enticed by "oh, you'll get the house".
As an example, mine offers case management services, "needs assessments", knows where the local Adult Day Cares are and maintains contacts with the local facilities like ALs and NHs.
Certainly, they are the place to start!
Even phones have the ability to add a blank line between paragraphs. Please use punctuation and paragraphs and your posts will be read by more people.
Another pet peeve is those that use all caps when trying to get a point across. There is no need to yell unless just a few words. People listen and understand easier when they are not being yelled at.
"However, this is GREATLY appreciated, as websites such as Yahoo and YouTube don't enable any editing after a comment has been posted."
I can't speak for Yahoo as I don't have a current account with them AND recently they have turned off comments. Although it was sometimes good to read some posts, not so much others, I can see why they have done it. Too many of the posts were just nasty and really did not lend to the discussion. Anyway, I don't know if their comments had the ability to be edited, BUT I can say that YouTube does allow edits. I have edited my comments multiple times, to add more, to make corrections, whatever. Just now I went back to one comment posted 3 weeks ago and the edit capability was still functional (I added another ! and SAVE became available so I clicked that - your username line will then show (edited).)
How it works (there is a delete option as well - haven't checked that out here, but maybe if you edit and delete everything?):
To the right of your YouTube comment there are 3 dots, stacked up/down, like the Google dots on the upper right of the browser that opens the menu (go figure, Google owns YouTube!!!) If you left-click the dots, the Edit and Delete options are presented. Select Edit, make changes, SAVE is activated and then you save or cancel!
I have at times come back to posts here later and have been able to still edit. Just today I posted and came back MUCH later - the edit "button" was still there, so I fixed a grammar booboo I missed earlier... The edit capability on that comment is gone now, but I'm fairly certain it was much longer that 30 minutes later when I made the edit.
But, mainly I responded so you and others know how to edit and/or delete YouTube comments!