I heard mom’s phone ringing. She was napping. It was my brother. I texted him saying that she was napping. No response from him.
A few minutes later I hear a knock at my door. It’s both of my brothers who were never close to mom for years unless it was for a meal or to get money from her.
Mom has been pissed because I have been standing up to her. The crap stirrer that she is, she has been telling me that she wants a ‘meeting’ with all of us. She has been ‘tattling’ on me. I told her no meeting without my husband. I told my brother that too. They only want to trample me. I am not up for this crap. Nerves are shot to hell!
I am not close to my brothers for good reasons. I tried over and over to have a good relationship and finally gave up.
We just don’t have very much in common and to put it bluntly they and mom are sexist, among other things.
What goes on in my house is my business, not theirs but mom has never been one to respect my privacy which is why I don’t confide in her. I don’t have a clue what goes on in their homes and furthermore I don’t care!
My brothers walk in my house today, no phone call to tell me they are coming. Pretend to be friendly with me. It’s fake, trust me. My nerves are frazzled from mom involving them in petty arguments that she starts.
I don’t trust my emotions so I walked outside and stayed there until they left. I called my friend to talk. She said to me not to be around them if I didn’t trust myself because I shouldn’t lose my temper because they would use that against me and not to give them the satisfaction.
That’s how they are, three against one. They left. Waved goodbye and pretended to be friendly again. I know they are plotting some crap and I just can’t tolerate this anymore. They have been sneaky before. They purposely came during the day when my husband wouldn’t be home and I would be vulnerable.
It was lunch time when they left. Believe me, I am so furious that I wasn’t about to cook a nice meal for her. She got a hot dog! I made her a nice breakfast earlier. Had no idea they had this cooked up!
I want to know what they discussed and I don’t want to know. I’m sick of this crap! They do nothing and criticize me! Never ask for my side. Hail Mom! She’s the queen and I am dirt!
I know I sound ridiculous. I’m sorry about that. I wanted to leave my house while they were here. My brother had me blocked in. I knew one brother would have to get back to work so I couldn’t have stayed out long.
I am afraid to talk to mom because it will turn into a huge fight. If I ignore her she will be furious too. But I am not going to speak to her. Not now. There is no way I want to speak to my brothers. They are both ‘know it all’ blow hards that believe her freakin BS!
Called my husband and he feels they are cowards because they never speak to him. He is annoyed at their shenanigans! I sort of want my husband to speak to them but not sure. Okay, enough of my rambling. If I could get her out of my house today I would!
My fear, I am so upset about a lifetime of crap that I would stay angry and she will die and I will regret being mad. I do not plan on having a relationship with my brothers when she dies. I hate the thought of making burial arrangements. It will be just going through the motions being with them. It isn’t a genuine relationship.
Who knows, maybe my mom is giving them total control over everything now because she’s upset with me. Not that I have any control now, only medical power of attorney. My brother is executor if her will. The will she made with my brother, of course! I’m only good enough to be her servant!
If no one wants to respond to my stupid broken record, I completely understand. Trust me, I am sick to death of living it!
They threatened you? In an actionable way? Consult your lawyer about that.
Mom is now presumably staying with one of them. (THAT will be interesting. Gotta see how long that lasts).
You have done nothing wrong. If you "spoke for mom" how is that elder abuse? That is so NOT going to hold up anywhere, anytime.
They are feeding you a crock of $hit. And unfortunately, you are buying it. Getting upset is what they and mom thrive on. Google Grey Rock. Practise that.
Mom will be thrilled and happy in Assisted Living and this will all be water under the bridge. Or she'll rub your nose in it. Does it really matter?
About any abuse report they want to file, you don't have anything to worry about because you didn't do anything wrong. It's just a bunch of mouthing off and threats from them because they are mad at you for standing up for yourself. Their problem, not yours.
Now...take a deep breath, and when you're up to it, you should get out and go do something nice for yourself and maybe you and hubby have a date night. And...celebrate!! Lol
She’s gone. They are playing you. All 3.
Stay calm- go out as planned and stay busy.
Relax. Nothing to worry about.
They are playing you, honey.
Breathe.
You are free of mom.
Call the therapist. Call your doctor.
You and hubby go out to dinner. You've done nothing wrong and have nothing to fear.
Your brothers are nut cases.
Your mother has a history of sharing half truths and playing you off against each other, no doubt she has been whining and exaggerating all her woes to your brothers. Since they aren't really involved in her life they have probably swallowed the whole lot - I don't doubt it was ugly. You have NOTHING to fear from an investigation because you have done nothing wrong - bring it on!
(PS She's out of your house and no longer your responsibility, this may not be how you wanted it to play out but it IS what you wanted. It's a good thing)
PLEASE HELP ME! My brothers just took my mom. I told her to get out. I couldn’t take anymore. I’m trying to type. I hope I make sense. Shaking pretty badly.
My brother, retired captain almost had me arrested just now in my own home for elder abuse! He is filing a report on me. He’s had me on surveillance and going to get home health nurses to testify against me saying that I speak for mom instead of letting her talk.
It’s horrible! He says I am crazy. Cursed me out while mom watching. Other brother joined in. He says he is going to say I need to be in a mental institution. I’m scared!
My mom is letting him file elder abuse report.
I wish someone could call me on my phone but I know y’all don’t want me to put my phone number on this site. I don’t know what to feel.
They threatened me. My brothers will put her in a home I guess. I will never see her again. I’m so hurt. Why? Because I stood up to her. They say it’s abuse.
It hasn’t sunk in. I’m in shock. Please, please help me.
NHWM, your mother has installed the "Fear,Obligation and Guilt " buttons and knows when and how to push them.
My grandma used to say to my mom, "my how you've changed since you married that Eyetalian".
My mom taught me how to ignore that BS..
She does have horrible anxiety! You’re right about that. She thinks meds are bad. Well, it’s trial and error to find the right meds.
Doing nothing, makes me crazy! If she wasn’t anxious about everything I could relax.
Wow! Your mom does sound like mom. She also sounds like my husband’s grandma who said my sweet MIL was faking her lymphoma to others. She was awful to her only daughter, her only child.
My MIL was such a dear woman. She didn’t deserve that treatment from her mom. Her mom hated not being the center of attention and was selfish. MidKid, you don’t deserve that treatment from your mom either. Why do they feel they can say such things or do such things?
You handle your mom better than I do mine. Maybe I am doing poorly because I live with her. I am burning out.
You’re smart and you know that she can’t be your priority. Your health is your priority. I am still burning candles before mass for you. I won’t stop until I am able to burn the last one in thanksgiving for your healing.
You’re right. I know it. Why is it still hard? Something must be wrong with me. It must be true when my therapist told me that my mother had me well trained. Is it? Can something become that habitual that we are on total autopilot and can no longer see it? Kind of scary.
I think if I were younger before being a caregiver and on the outside viewing myself I would be shocked to see what has happened. This is insane to live like this.
You know what? I have a birthday next month. Time to give myself a birthday gift.
Her brain is broken. She clearly has not yet seen the right geriatric specialist who would recognize this and prescribe appropriately.
Geriatric psychiatry or even regular psychiatry is where you want to go.
I understand that your mom may say "no, I won't see someone like that".
In which case you are TOTALLY justified in saying, "well, Mom, then, I simply can't do this anymore".
Is there any way to convince her to do the local senior community center for lunch? If she can be mobile enough to do doctor appointments then why not there? She says no to being social at all which makes me trapped too.
I can tell you that she gets along very well with the COA caregiver that comes every other Friday for a four hour shift.
This woman is a dream come true. She doesn’t play on her phone. She changes mom’s sheets. She vacuums mom’s room, empties her trash can, bedside commode pot, bathes her, keeps mom company, makes her a sandwich or reheats leftovers. I don’t have to tell her anything. She is self motivated. I appreciate her so much. I want to show appreciation to her for Christmas. I guess cash or gift cards. Not sure what is best but this woman deserves to be recognized. She is a single mom. She is extremely reliable. She’s the best caregiver they have sent and I asked COA if we could have her regularly. They said we could. She is an angel.
She is the person I would like to hire if I could but she is through COA. I don’t know if I could pay for extra hours. They send her through a local agency.
She is wonderful with mom. Mom engages with her. She gets mom to talk. Mom loves hearing about her daughter. They have a great relationship. I like seeing mom being social with someone other than me. I feel that is important for her.
I don't know if I have ever weighed in on your situation. It IS hard to KNOW what to do and a whole different challenge to DO IT.
Your brothers are jerks. I have 2 brother and one has mother living with him and I can say that his care is pretty sub-par, but mother CHOSE this living situation 23 years ago and no matter how much she cries and fusses, she's not moving in with me or any other of the sibs. My other brother is a total "hands off' kind of guy. Sweet, but will do NOTHING that may be deemed confrontational. My 2 sisters--one is still working FT and has her own life. She is the golden girl and shows up once a quarter with a bag of Arby's and mother goes on about it like she'd gotten a visit from royalty. Older sister calls sometimes and really just stays away. She simply doesn't care, and I admire that ability! She'll throw money at anything but won't 'do'.
Mother does indeed play us against each other. It's subtle and annoying as all get out. I am currently in the doghouse--b/c-get this: I have cancer and cannot be around mother's filthy apartment--her feral birds are toxic to me, so I cannot go there. Brother told her that was a lie, so she is mad. In fact, YB's family has not reached out to me in any way shape or form since my dx 4 months ago. I did my 4/6 chemotherapy yesterday and I do get sick and feel rotten for about 10 days post chemo. Not a card, a call, nothing. Mother actually said to me, when I went to tell her about my cancer sx--"Oh well, daddy will be happy to see you" (Daddy has been gone 15 years) This is her takeaway. Not a tear, not a hug, not a "I'm so sorry" just "well, you had a good life". I was so shocked--even for my cold hearted mom that was COLD". I just left. Patted her on the shoulder and said "I'll tell dad hi for you".
12 weeks later she got someone to dial her phone for her and she called in frantic (fake) concern. I told her I was fine, I wasn't in the hospital and she didn't need to call all the hospitals in the valley to find me.
It's all fake and I am sick of it. She's 90 and I'd say it was dementia, but she cannot slip and slide in and out of that, using 'I'm just a poor little lady' to "I ma completely in control of my life". She cannot have it both ways.
Sounds like your mom is the same way.
OK--you have DH in your corner. Awesome. Plan a meeting with the idiot brothers and have DH there. Tell them you are retiring from FT CG and they need to deal. I liked the post that said "give them 2 weeks". I wouldn't lift a finger to find her alternate housing, but I would help you pack her stuff. COMPLETELY. After 2 weeks, drop her and suitcase off at one of the brother's homes and take a vacay, even if it's just a weekend away to a hotel and turn off the cell phone. You could go so far as to put her boxed things on the porch and let them figure out what's next.
This may cut you out of any inheritance--but I know the lousy $9,872 I stand to inherit from mother's estate if she ever dies, will NOT make me feel whole or even slightly 'better' about the neglect and downright abuse I have suffered from her crazy.
Good luck---you are really going to need to be tough. Super tough. But you can do this.
You can lie down for people to walk on
And they will still complain
You are not flat enough.
Let.
That.
Sink.
In.
You can lie down for people to walk on you
And they will still complain
You are not flat enough.
Let that sink in.
You can lie down for people to walk on you
And they will still complain
You are not flat enough.
So, she calls your brothers. So? SO?
Unless you change YOUR behavior, nothing in this situation will change.
Stop waiting on A and A. Tell your mom she needs to start paying for home care NOW. Right Now.
You need to get out, get a haircut, see your doctor and see your therapist.
If mom can't be left alone, then she needs to pay for care.
If she CAN be left alone, then just GO OUT.
Okay, everything you said makes perfect sense but there are two things that jump out at me the most.
1) I am in this situation because I allowed it. It did become permanent.
2) If I got hit by a bus and was not around.
Now this one, hits me the most. Very important statement. She would survive, wouldn’t she? They would figure it out because I wouldn’t be around to do everything for them which goes back to point number one, that I allowed this. Maybe continuing to read these messages makes me realize that I am just as mad at myself as I am them. Could that be? Please give me your opinion of this.
I am not even caring for myself properly. My doctor told me I don’t care for myself like I do for my mom. I feed her three meals, plus snacks. She is like me, not a big eater but she eats some.
There are times I forget to eat. My husband and kids don’t understand how that happens. They ask me don’t I feel hunger pangs. Guess what? Hunger pangs go away when ignored. I get busy with mom or catching up with laundry, dishes, a few jewelry pieces I decided to do and later I realize I skipped meals.
Oh gosh, I have been stuck in a bad place. Whoever it was that called me ridiculous was right. Can’t remember, sorry. I need help. I need to really focus. It’s bad when people get trapped like this.
My therapist told me a long time ago that my mom had me ‘well trained.’ I suppose he was right.
I don’t feel after all I have been through that I could emotionally or physically handle her if she becomes bed bound or wheelchair bound.
I have learned to rely on the professionals in her life of what she is capable of. I am having a hard enough time doing this for so long.
I do not mean in any way to put down anyone caring for someone who is bed bound or wheelchair bound in their home. My hat is off to you because it’s hard.
Nor do I blame anyone who can’t do it. It’s truly a personal choice. Financially it’s a big deal too! Not everyone can afford a private sitter 24/7 and a person has to be placed.
In the past I have spoken to my family, endlessly, just like Shell says, it’s a brick wall. They will never listen.
I don’t care about their approval anymore. Their opinions don’t matter to me anymore. I’m worn out and can’t face the drama anymore.
I’m not afraid of them. I just don’t want to hear what they have to say anymore. They all think that this is the situation at hand and it is my responsibility to accept it and it’s not.
I already have an assisted living selected if the aid and assistance comes through from veterans. It should be approved.
She will need to pass an assessment first. Home health says she is capable of doing things. The skilled nursing rehab facility discharged her as long as she did another round of home health. She completed it. She had it in her head that she isn’t capable and thinks I have to do everything. I only do what she can’t do alone, like bathing and getting dressed. The rest I have told her she had to do.
Home health told me to back off and let her do on her own the things she can do. So I have.
I’m angry because she plays dirty by calling my brothers. I have no desire to be criticized by them. If they want to have a normal relationship with her with friendly visits, that’s fine. I just don’t want to be around. I don’t like feeling angry. That’s why I want her out. I will not apologize for being angry to them. It’s justified anger.
There is too much water under the bridge. I’d rather leave the house if the come to visit, which they don’t. They only came because she stirred the pot.
It takes too much of a toll on me to continue in this situation. I get frustrated. I don’t like losing my temper or patience. That makes me not like myself. The simple fact is this has gone on for too long, since 2005. Anyone would get burned out. They don’t understand it. It’s too bad but I don’t even care if they understand anymore. I know the truth. They destroyed family relationships. I have done more than my share.
I know she’s my mom. In spite of it all I love her. Still, I wonder? If she is able to be placed in the ALF will I even visit often? At this point I am not even sure. Honestly, I would like to plan a trip, even just a weekend to Florida. I don’t think I could visit often now. Don’t know what that says about me.
I don’t want to be controlled or told what to do by brothers who don’t know anything. I am the one who has all the knowledge about mom because I take care of her! I don’t even want to explain it to them anymore. I simply don’t care about them anymore. It’s sad but true. That’s what happens when a person isn’t treated with respect. They deserve nothing from me.
If she does not pass the assessment then I suppose she will have to give up the little money she has to a nursing home. I have no idea how all of this Medicaid works. She has Medicare and Humana gold plus now.
Once a month there is a caregiver support group near me. I couldn’t make the last one because I didn’t feel well. I like them. Last meetings were focused on two older women, one has a husband with ALZ, the other one has a husband who was living in ALF with her and he is not well enough to stay there. He moved to a nearby nursing home. Poor woman is grieving for him. She misses him terribly. Getting old is hard. I enjoyed meeting these women. They talked about their families and husbands. It was sweet. The social worker who leads the group is terrific. I wish there were people my age in the group caring for parents but this group is seniors caring for spouses. I think I will check around to see about attending another group too, one with women in my age category caring for parents.
Take care of yourself first.
So true. Years ago I was answered the calls for a crisis call center. In the training we learned about a particular type of caller -- "Poor me, ain't it awful, yes but..." NHWM, do you recognize yourself in this phrase?
You need to move the dial from venting to action. Do you think you will be ready at some point to do that?
What I am about to say, I say it out of love, but I think you are trying to get something whether its love, acknowledgment, or something from your mom that she can't or won't give you! You my friend are beating your head against a brick wall; I know because I use to do the same thing with my mother! Then I had a light bulb moment...my mother can't give me what she doesn't have--period! So, I asked myself "what was wrong with me?" After much self-examination and therapy I came to realize it wasn't me, but my mother! It is just how she is hardwired! Then I asked myself "do I really need her approval?" I came up with "No" I don't! I never let people walk all over me except her--why, because she was my mother?! Then I woke up and smelled the coffee...being my mother Doesn't give her the right--period! I always tell people as it was told to me "we teach people how to treat us." I had to reteach my mother that I was not her doormat because when it comes down to it who do I love more--her or myself? I love myself more! Because at the end all we have is God and ourselves! Who do you love more your mom or you? Remember you are going to be with you for the rest of your life!!
It was no mistake that your brothers showed up when your husband was not home. They and your mom knew what they were doing! I'll be damed if I would let anybody disrespect me in my home! I would have told my brothers you need to come back at x amount of time when my husband is home and shut the door in their face! Yes, mom would have been mad and I would have looked right at her and said, "this is my house--my rules."
"You've got the tail wagging the dog." --Dr. Phil
In other words, your mom is calling all the shots in your house!
Stop giving her so much power over you and take your power back!
One last thought, have you concerned that you might be codependent on mom? Because if you are there are some really good books out there to help you to break free and therapy will also help!
I am not judging you or trying to hurt you--I just have been there and done that and got the T-shirt, hat and coffee cup! 💗
For the next 2 weeks, you hire (with her money) home health care to provide what she needs. It is unclear to me exactly how much assistance your mother actually requires. She sounds very demanding, but not physically compromised enough that she requires constant monitoring.
Your brothers cannot force you to care for your mom. Neither can she.
Please understand that this slavery is essentially self-imposed.
Your mother is controlling you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
It seems you want to keep everyone happy and in the process forgets about herself.
“No” is a complete sentence. Someone on this forum said this a while back & it stuck with me. Such a true statement.
You’ve skirted this question before but **why can’t your mother pay for home care (CNA, etc) from her SS?**What is she saving or spending her SS on? Surely since she lived with you and you cover the cost, your mother can pay for her own caregivers. Also it would be prudent to have your mother plan & pre-pay for her funeral. I say this as if she does pass away in your home you will need to have a funeral home come and take her. It’s a lot less stressful doing this before her death, as it’s clear that your brothers haven’t thought about this. Or “assign” this to your brothers to arrange but give them a deadline.
OR- Bring your mother to one of your brothers homes unannounced with all her “stuff”& be prepared to leave her there. Oh, & don’t forget to barge in the house when you get resistance, like they do.
If my brothers came to my home unannounced and not willing to give the owner of the house (you) any respect
I would have told them exactly how I felt. They were 10 & 12 years older than me but we never avoided difficult conversations.
Why can’t you speak freely with your own family? You have a right to do so.
Get your husband and daughter involved to back you up. No one will help you unless they are truly aware of your needs.
Asking for help is NOT being a failure. I am unsure how much you share with your husband and daughter but if you haven’t told them, they can’t read your mind. I hope this forum doesn’t take the place of real people who can help you feel better. I have a feeling that’s what this forum is for you - a sounding board (which is of course fine). But you have to begin to direct your anger to the appropriate source & use your anger in a positive way to get your mother placed and out of your house. 15 years is long enough.
Do you share your concerns with your husband and daughter? What do they say?
Most importantly the next time your mother gets admitted to a hospital (and she will) **REFUSE** to take her back to your home. Start the conversation with the SW/DC planner early. Tell your brothers that your mother will not be residing with you going forward. They can step up then and take her in, or go along with placement.
Don’t count on Aide & Assistance as approval could be way far off. In the interim since having mom stay with you is saving her money, ask her to pay.
Don’t engage in arguments with your mother either. Get up and leave.
Why don’t YOU call a family meeting and get it all out? Who cares how they feel? Your opinion counts, but it appears you do not verbalize your concerns with them and this compounds your frustration. To keep the peace, maybe? But keeping everything peaceful is not good for you, and you have a right to live your life as much as your mother and brothers do.
You’re getting there - you’ve recognized the problem - now develop a plan and stick to it.