I set boundaries and the claws come out. I’m tired, very tired. I have to deal with payback from my mother for setting boundaries.
Last night I hear her call my younger brother. Today she calls my older brother, all to trash me! Sickening!
She knows they will take her side and then it’s three against one. I can’t win! She stirs the pot! Doesn’t fight fair.
Involves them in my business that doesn’t concern them. I told her she needs to think about what she did and should feel bad about it and she says, “They are family and I want to speak to them.” Yeah, right! That’s fine but I don’t speak to them about her and she shouldn’t speak to them about me!
They do nothing while I wipe her a**, bathe her from head to toe, change soiled sheets, cook and clean, empty bedside commode, etc. I take her to doctor appointments. I do everything! They get respect and I don’t! I must be the biggest idiot on the face of the earth!
Boundary setting doesn’t work all the time! She has a mean streak when she wants to show it. I sacrifice so much for her and this is how she repays me.
Just need to vent. I think I am losing it. I really do. I can’t have a logical conversation with her anymore. She wants to blame me for everything! I need a break so badly.
This is what scares me. I want her out of my house. I wish she had never moved in. It added an enormous amount of stress in our lives.
If I find a place for her to live I don’t know if I could even visit right now because I am so upset. What the hell is happening to me? I am my mother’s biggest advocate. Why am I feeling this way? I don’t know what to think about her or myself. Too much togetherness for way too long. It just isn’t healthy. I’m so empty that I can’t even cry. Is that bad?
Also, is it bad not to eat? So hard to eat. I get nauseous if I try so why bother, right? I cook for my husband and mom. I get sick to my stomach just smelling the food. Is that normal? I drink coffee and diluted juice, water with a splash of juice. My clothes are baggy. Who cares...Where do I go? My house is a prison. What does it matter if I lose weight and have baggy clothes?
I know you’re right. I am working on getting funds through vets. Daddy did serve during WW11.
You know how that generation is, mom doesn’t like to easily let go of her money, save for a rainy day, due to being part of the depression era. What annoys me so is that she hands out money right and left to my brothers. I was always different. I never asked them for money. I did without or worked two jobs when needed. I also didn’t live above my means.
I did suggest spending her money to her for help. She responded by saying she wants my brothers to have a little help or boost after she dies. Infuriated me. They have never managed their money well. She continues to feel sorry for them.
I was the kid who visited often, weekly, brought my children to see grandparents often. My brothers only went when my served a big meal and so forth. They were always treated the best. I was looked at as the independent one. Just a weird relationship. Hard to explain fully.
You’ve said she prefers you to hired CG’ers. That’s not fair to you.
Why do folks think it’s ok not to expect the person needing care to pay? Mother “sits” on her monthly checks while you struggle keeping your sanity?
If she has money saved, make sure you contact a funeral home and pre-pay her funeral if this hasn’t been done already so that will NOT be an unknown.
Otherwise if your mother is sharp as a tack with no dementia as you say then she should understand she is a guest in your home and care enough that her daughter (you) are well physically & emotionally. She can’t take her money with her. Sounds like she already has enough clothes that she pays for and doesn’t need anymore material things, so redirect her $ (with her permission) to hire home aides. She is the Queen of your home and you are her lady in waiting. This needs to be reversed.
I get to see my grand dog. He’s so cute but he is one of those dogs that doesn’t know he’s a dog! I just love him so much. I swear when he is snuggling in my lap I forget my troubles.
I connected with that pooch immediately, as soon as he entered my house after she adopted him. He’s a senior dog now. She got him when he was five years old.
Good idea to have someone look over everything. I like that. I think I will do that too. Just to make sure.
I guess I have been overdoing the coffee. Bad habit, I suppose. When I get upset I just don’t feel like eating much. I nibble a little. I ate a few bites of hummus yesterday with carrots and a couple of triscut crackers. I love those.
My mom stresses me out with wanting everything just so. Maybe some of that is a bit contagious at times.
Yeah. I am really stressing. I do want to try to relax a bit.
I know I have been stuck in a rut. I know I must confess to procrastinating. I am trying now though. Struggling a bit. Please keep me in your thoughts and send we good thoughts. Thanks.
I realize that I have had difficulty focusing recently. I’m just overwhelmed. Also, please understand this. I think part of this is feeling guilty about wondering how long mom will live. Does that make sense? Then I hate myself for having those thoughts.
I think mom is even sensing I feel like that because she said to me, “Well, it won’t go on forever. It will be soon enough.” She was talking about when she dies.
I didn’t hear a cruel tone when she said it and it kind of jolted me into realizing how I am behaving. It upset me so much that I didn’t know how to respond.
I like your suggestions and God knows I can benefit from what you are telling me to do. Thanks. I will try. I have to.
I would ask your mother if she would consider hiring CG and truthfully let her know it’s too much on you. Ask your husband and kids to back you up.
14 years is enough. You deserve a life, as does your husband.
NHWM your thoughts are all over the place. I suggest you sit and make a list, set priorities, and proceed. Give yourself a time limit to complete your goal for the list .
Set REALISTIC goals - they don’t have to be lofty. For instance: today I will go online to retrieve ppwk like birth certificates and complete the process.
End of story. A goal you can complete in a timely manner.
Goal #2: everyday NHWM gets “me” time. 1 hour to yourself. Keep that goal. Work to make it happen.
Etcetera. I really don’t know how I would have reacted if I were on the phone on hold waiting to complete something for someone who was at that time squawking about needing wipes. I think I would have lost it.
I don’t think you even know how to look out for yourself after having her there 14 years. You’ve become secondary to everyone in YOUR home. Unacceptable. Enough is enough.
Its time, NHWM. Continue to gather resources but if all else fails have mother apply for Medicaid and find her a SNF. Louisiana or not.
Take baby steps, yes, but work up to speed to achieve the goal of 1. Paying for in home caregivers 2. Apply for Medicaid and then SNF.
I hope you enjoy your Saturday out and about with your daughter. The weather here in MD has been beautiful lately. It’s a lovely time of year.
Please keep your eyes on the prize: FREE yourself from a life time of servitude.
"I have to make this happen..."
I agree with Tiger - "Your urge to complete every task sounds compulsive" and I think you've lost sight of what's really possible.
That is certainly encouraging to hear! Thanks. Mom lost everything in Hurricane Katrina so I am starting from scratch. How long did it take for vital stats to come back to you? Do they email or send certified copies or what? Did you use a specific website?
It's been a lot of info to turn in. You had to give them your dad's discharge info, right? They are requiring that from us. I'm stressed too so I am sure that is making it a pain for me. I am getting out Saturday. My daughter is driving to pick me up. My husband will look after mom for us to go to my favorite coffee house and we can visit for awhile. I hope nothing comes up and we have a good time. I need a break.
I paid all of the Dept of Vital Statistics stuff on line used debit card to pay. I found the process easy and didn’t have any long waits. This was a few years ago.
Yep, that answers my question. She earns just under $1700, They did tell me that I can probably still get approved if mom pays a little less than her whole check but then they can't apply for the max of $1209. So, that is something to consider. I appreciate your helping. I really do. Not just lip service. Every bit of info helps and I am trying my best but being tired and stressed can cause things to be overlooked.
I can't help it I am nervous about getting this paperwork done correctly. And oh gosh, I have always done everything on the up and up. My dad taught me that. He always said to study hard, work hard, be honest, don't burn any bridges behind me. Typical dad stuff. Oh, and to do it right the first time! hahaha.
One time my boss came by my desk and asked me where did I get the stamina to work so hard. I told him that my dad drilled it into my head. He asked me to tell him how my dad motivated me. I told him he always told me to "Do it right the first time!" Oh my gosh! My coworkers got so upset with me because my boss put up signs all over the office to "Do it right the first time!' I was so embarrassed.
Very sweet post. Thanks for your warm wishes. I can see you need help too. I hope you get relief soon.
I'm trying to get things situated. I've been emotionally stuck. I admit it. I am really trying now. I'm not in the best place emotionally. I'm trying to visualize the future in a positive way.
You know what I want? I want to take a little trip. Doesn't even have to be anything fancy. I know we can't afford that now. I just want a little weekend getaway with my husband.
It's only four hours to drive to Pensacola or just a little farther to Navarre, Ft. Walton or Destin area. I don't know if it's foolish for me to dream about being alone with my husband for a weekend in Florida or not but I would absolutely love it.
The Social Security earnings limit is $1,470 per month or $17,640 per year in 2019 for someone age 65 or younger. If you earn more than this amount, you can expect to have $1 withheld from your Social Security benefit for every $2 earned above the limit.Jun 5, 2019
What Happens if You Work While Receiving Social Security | Social ...
https://money.usnews.com › money › retirement › social-security › articles
you can take in $1470 per month without being penalized by SS. Is mom's SS payment more than that each month?
It's not that you CAN'T make more than that, it's simple that they will reduce your SS benefit by a formula if you earn more than that.
She was asking me to get her new box of wipes out for her to use. I forgot to place them near her bedside commode. So yeah, legit reason to call me this time. Not her crazy crap like a couple a days ago, lost hairbrush, fancy underwear request, nail file, geeeez.
I knew I would screw up in communicating because I am pretty wiped out. Didn't have a good night's sleep. What I meant to say is I am currently collecting my social security. I chose to do it at 62 because we have had to help my daughter a lot. Kind of wipes out finances, it's a long story. She's actually had many health issues. She can no longer work. The other one is still in school. Has been hard.
One more thing; when you says mom "needs my help", what is it she needs you for?
Is she calling out to you while you are trying to complete paper work the way a two year old interrupts when you're on the phone, or does she really require that much supervision?
Other than getting her meals, what does she require assistance with that can't wait?
Did you take Social Security at age 62 or are you getting SSI? Those are two different things with different rules.
Here is a SS calculator for maximizing benefits:
https://obliviousinvestor.com/new-free-open-source-social-security-calculator/
I know. I really am trying to figure this all out. I'm so tired of this. It's just confusing. I constantly feel like I am walking on eggshells. I hate that feeling. Just too tense, can't relax. I just need to see an end in sight. I know I can come through this okay if I see that I can make this happen,.
I just can't lose hope. I can't fall into despair and freeze up. I have to make this happen. Couldn't reach mom's doctors, either. Holidays screw up things sometimes. They plan vacations. Things get delayed. I need to touch base with them too.