Countrymouse Posted November 2018
On My Mind
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Replacing the much lamented 'On My Mind' profile option, this thread is for musings, jottings, whimsies, preoccupations and the rest of the thesaurus for anyone to jot down anything they please.
I can't remember what the maximum character count was before, can anyone else? But anyway it wasn't very many so let's keep to that.
Peasuep I've been following along and I truly believe with my heart and soul that what is right for you is also right for your dear one. ❤️. Be very kind to yourself, you deserve it.
DH continues to struggle. He can’t understand where he is or why I am not there with him. The staff has been wonderful but it’s been a week and he needs to start showing some signs of adjustment.
The other residents are pulling for him too. That part has really touched my heart.
So, what’s the worst that could happen? If you overlooked something (which I doubt) or if some new obstacle pops up, you are clearly more than capable of handling it. From where I sit, your parents are incredibly lucky and you are amazing.
I'm just scared bc change is change and is stressful even if it's "good". Mom is on oxygen now. Still uses feeding tube for meds and two of her 4 meals. Dad manages most of it. She's anxious a lot. Never feels very good tho can still do all her ADL's. Dad is very very OCD and has a pretty good routine where they are now, gym right upstairs. It's so much to think about managing this move back for them and wondering how much longer will they be able to live alone? Dad seemingly fine physically but caring for mom taking a toll tho I am there daily 3 to 4 hours so he can go to the gym, errands etc. He's a lot with his ruminating and obsessive nature.
Will be hiring help to clean for them and a p/t person to be with mom in the afternoons (I'm anxious about getting that accomplished) as dad will need to be out more (gym is important for him), no more just running upstairs while mom is ok for an hour downstairs. If he's out and about in the car without me or someone there she will have an anxiety attack.
They've been in a 55+ community during this time. Not assisted living. I've handled that, they can't afford to stay there and I can't continue to pay for it. They don't want to stay there anyway even tho it's very nice. It's not "home".
Anyway, I know things will work out, this move will happen and hopefully they will settle into a routine "back home". I'm extremely anxious about it all. Not showing it in front of them tho.
Ok so that's what on my mind. I'd better meditate now.
An analogy comes to mind. Think of surgery, which is very painful immediately but the body adjusts eventually and in the long run it is worth it. The analogy breaks down, of course, as there is no healing afterwards in this disease. But the disease can be such that the "surgery" of moving to a facility is necessary. You have managed your hub and the disease wonderfully for some time, but the inevitable decline has brought some unmanageable changes that need professional care. Likely, and possibly with the aid of medication, and a new routine your dear hub will settle down. I know it is horrible to view the devastating effects of the disease on him.
Sometimes the options we have are not great - just one is better or even necessary compared to the other. His family will or will not adjust - not your problem. If anything, IMO, they should be a support to you right now!
Way is right - you have much grief right now and need time and space to process it. We are here for you as you go through this and eventually build a new normal for yourself. It's hard work but you can do it.
Do not second guess this placement . You had no choice . It was not safe for you at home , therefore it was not safe for him either . Had DH ever knocked you down unconscious , then he would have had no supervision .
When you are in the the thick of things it is very common to keep trying to see how they are capable because you want to keep them home . This is no reflection on how much or how little information you gave his family . It was not a deliberate attempt to keep them in the dark . You yourself are just realizing how much more care your DH needs . It is common to realize after the fact that you “ cover “ for them .
You have done a tremendous job . You are not responsible for his illness , for how he is suffering or how his family suffers over this . None of this is any fault of yours.
What you are feeling is grief over things that you can not fix .
I know this is the facility staff’s job and not mine anymore. I’m also beginning to understand why some facilities (not this one) discourage family visits for the first couple weeks until they can ascertain the correct level of care needed although I don’t think I could have complied. I hope DH’s behavior last night made things clearer for them although I wish his daughter could have been eased into this a little more gently. I’m going in today to find out what the medication protocol should be and whose job is it to figure that out.
I feel so bad for him and for every single person who cares for him now. I know the staff are underpaid and overworked. I know his family has been under-informed - my fault entirely. I know I did the right thing for myself by placing him but I’m not sure I did the right thing for him, he is just such a mess.
Thanks for listening to me. You’ve been very generous with your support and advice at a time when so many of you are going through illness and tragedy and heartbreak of your own. I appreciate you all.
Yesterday I watched a bit of the funeral and then I watched two hours of the fires.
I feel a bit sick at my soul today. I mean this. A kind of vague nausea I'll try to walk off.
My daughter when a very young woman living in the Haight and working for Bill Graham, lost everything in SF Haight St's infamous fire. Her first apartment with two roommates, one who is currently her long-time hubby. She saved only her cats in a pillowcase, having stayed with firefighters shrieking at her back 3rd floor door as she tried to get the second of the cats out from under her clawfoot tub.
Everything, even all her baby and childhood pictures in an album I had made for her--gone. Back in the day when you had one picture, and couldn't be replaced really; she still talks about the snap of her dressed as CatWoman at Halloween.
Always a jewelry hound she had all my mom's old best costume jewelry. EVERYTHING gone.
It happened the middle of the night and she didn't want to call me, across the city, and awakenen me. They stood by the Red Cross coffee in on hand and a sack of unhappy cats in the other watched everything go.
But they were young, resilient, and it was an apartment. They had saved the living. Still, many decades later she remembers what it was to see your life go up in flames.
I don't mean to compare it to what I saw yesterday, which is so devastating it simply doesn't, for me, yet compute.
To any Californians--I need to know the BEST Charity. I'll find it, but if you know, let ME know. I can help, but I need to know it doesn't get dumped in some general fund-- but ALL goes here. Say what you will of insurance and their agents? I wouldn't want to awaken to this. It looks like a bomb was dropped.
The Red Cross way back then was VERY good to the kids. They gave hotel vouchers (tho they stayed with me) and a bed, and bedding, clothing vouchers. And if I recall, a first month rent when they found their new place. But I sometimes hear not good things anymore about RC. Don't know what to believe because we never hear good things at all about ANYTHING anymore.
This a.m. a pretty good little shake. Brief but good. Everyone here shrugging and saying "Of course.....earthquake".
N. says we've had everything but the plague of locusts. So watch for them. Keep a big flyswatter handy.
Everyone dealing with illness please hang in there. I know you are busy "dealing". My thoughts out to you while you do.
If you don't see me a few days, just know I might take a break from more "bad news" for a day of so?
My love out to this community and its supportive ways.
Thanks!
And thanks for everyone who commented. I was so 'otherwise focused' that I forgot about my ice packs that have helped. I was freezing ice in a cup to put a coin on top as a test if a power outage melted food in our fridge. (The coin will sink if it melts.)
*****
When a family member was in AL, he did need more help, but only at times.
There were staff employed there who could also be paid privately to watch over him, like a part-time caregiver would. The cost was low on a monthly basis.
There exists also a specialty of sitters for the elderly who go to peoples' homes,
to hospitals, and AL, other facilities. I don't recall their title, but just sit in the room, observe, and report to qualified staff. No caregiver qualifications needed keeps the cost low. Not sure, but some sitters are volunteers.
Talk to the staff about easing his adjustment by having someone watch your dH overnight if that is what he needs. Staff does take the family's input into consideration, so no need to suffer your concerns silently. They can also reassure you.
The staff may need to reassess his care needs, and will know this-it is their job.
Take good care Peasuep.
I'm so sorry about the fires. I used to live in the Beach Cities in LA, and several friends in LA have been evacuated. It's scary. The high winds and dryness have caused so much devastation with these fires.
Psue, I'm so sorry. It's a tough thing to witness. I hope a neurologist or psychiatrist can help with symptoms. Behavioral approaches only go so far when the underlying cause is progressive neurological degeneration.
This isn't their first rodeo, even if it is yours. Let them do their job and take some time to look after you. I'm sorry that dh is worse. This disease is dreadful. He may need some medication to calm him down. His routine has been upset by the move. Hopefully he will settle down some as he adjusts to his new situation.
One person (i.e. you) cannot do this job. Others share responsibility now. Give yourself a break. It must be very hard to hand over these duties after so many years of being the only one. Don't take on the future now. Just do one day, one hour at a time. Deep breaths, You can do it. Prayers for you and dh.
send - stay safe and that includes your emotional health. Fires are so destructive. Not sure that the snow would help. I wouldn't try it anyway.
The news is so tragic. So much loss.
Take good care.
DH is SO much worse, especially during sundowning hours. I don’t think there is enough staff to help him in AL at nighttime. I don’t know what to do.
Lack of sleep can mess with our brains. It can cause sleep deprivation psychosis,
and physical pain, which can be cured by getting some worry-free sleep.
Last night, as the News reports piled on reports of devastation from fires, and worried neighbors added speculation about the fire coming closer. I took a drive. About 9 p.m. no one was out. Drove 7 miles towards the fires, taking the freeway, and looking at the valley from high up. Nothing, no fires, no smoke visible and no smell of smoke. Stopped short of the I-5 where last report of fire had spread. It would have been over that hill. The wind had calmed temporarily for the night. Turned around and came home.
This taking charge of what's going around in my head helped me sleep straight through until 9:00 a.m. A first in years, even before the fires.
We are safe.
Limiting online and News reports.
Viewing the tragic loss and devastation of homes only once can bring a person to deep grief and tears.
Turn it off, say some prayers.
Get on with a beautiful sunny day without guilt, knowing that one cannot help
others at all right now, so taking care of business at home is it.
That is all I can do right now. Me and my dH worked hard on paperwork all day.
He was able to help, and so was I.
We both are off-duty now, fixing dinner, and I will need everyone's prayers for this.
If dH turns the fire down on the boiling water for Pasta, he might be risking his own life, or maybe we won't eat at all.
Peace out.
We are safe so far in So. California.
There are no evacuation orders in my zone.
Thank you to those who have expressed concern.
As a preventative safety measure, we are packing emergency supplies and water in our car.
Stay safe everyone! I have noticed major fires in other states, in other countries.
. And i am sure that will co ntinue in some form. This is a heart wrenching time for you. Prayers for all to go smoothly.
nacy - so good to hear that your hub is doing much better and you both are on track for your cruise. Whoopee!!!! Hoping it's going to be great. Sorry about your newly sober friend. She needs support but you need peace. it's a hard call sometimes. I know I have to more carefully evaluate what I can get involved in. Seasonal cognitive decline is a new one to me. Can't say I have noticed it in anyone, but it makes sense.
BOJ - Happy New Year to you too. Hope all is decent on your caregiving front.
Sunshine here today which is very nice. It's been cold, and windy, and grey for a few days.
May it bring you reciprocated affections.
happy new year 2025!!!!
🙂🙂🙂🍀🍀🍀
Move in day is delayed at least one day because most helpful sister has a bad cold like so many of you. She has offered to help ease the first goodbye. Also, the facility can’t get the cable hooked up by tomorrow and there is no way I’m leaving DH anywhere without his favorite distraction!
There are so many cooties floating around and none of you need to be sick on top of all the other things you’re dealing with. I know - too late! But at least be gentle with yourselves and rest. Lord knows, you all deserve it.