My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!
I have tried for 10 years to get my brother and sister to help with my mother who is very physically disabled. In the past 3 years, it has gotten much worse, and they seem unaffected. She has almost died many times, and I have been the only one there for her. I have always helped with her shopping, cleaning, etc. Recently, she had a very serious neck injury (chronic spinal cord compression) which made her mobility almost zero, and she became incontinent. I changed her diapers, fed her, did laundry, shopping, held her when she cried, everything. All I asked my brother and sister to do was to call her 1 or 2 times per week to keep her spirits up... they could not even manage to do that! She had the surgery, almost died, but did make it through. She is slowly getting a little better, but has been in a nursing home for quite some time. I am moving her to assisted living near me when she gets out. I have asked my brother and sister to help me many times with cleaning out and moving her apartment items. They continue to ignore my emails, texts and phone calls, or make amazing excuses. I have fully given up on my brother and sister to help physically, and really need them to help financially. I keep asking for help, but they keep avoiding me. My new plan is to do everything, and to start keeping receipts and billing them for each and every thing I pay out for my mother. I am tempted to start billing them for a portion of my caregiving hours just to prove a point to them. I have started keeping a log of exactly what I do, and how many hours I help her because I am not sure they know exactly how much I do for her.
I truly hate my brother and sister, and when my mother passes, I am going to let them know just how much I hate them. I am only being nice to them out of consideration for my mother at this point. I can't wait to tell them how much I hate them for putting me through 10 years of ABSOLUTE HELL.
I agree with you in having a sister who gaslight me. It will be okay she says. It's what grandma wants. You don't have to do it but then in front family she would be the first one to volunteer you to stay with grandma because she cant be by herself since she has been drinking when she was pushing her to drink. Saying you dont have to do it alone but she puts you in a spot that I should be grateful for doing it since I am living rent free and we should not have to look for a caregiver because I can do it and that is what family is for and then she bolts leaving you to do it all alone because of what she said
To be angry that a person declines to assist you when you alone made that decision is in my opinion emotionally immature. In the case of elder care, if there are siblings, each one can choose and communicate to the other what they are willing to do/ not do. In my case, one decided to take on pretty much everything, alone, and even when offered assistance, declined most of it. That was HIS CHOICE. Dictating what constitutes "equitable" help is not appreciated either. When it became clear Mum needed 24/7 skilled nursing care, he alone decided to take on the responsibility. Shaming those who could not, or would not do was hurtful to everyone and in the end, did not serve Mum.
Now, all that being said, these care decisions are positively heartbreaking, soul-crushing, and complex. It is this pain we try to express, and it unbearably emotionally charged. Some shut down and retreat. Others lash out. One accuses the other of "not caring", then childhood grievances pile up, and things are said which are difficult to retract. It breaks my heart to hear about family splits when this is the time when family should be supporting each other.
I pray you all find peace and one piece if advice: Do not to say anything or email in anger until you've allowed a 24-48 hour cooling off period. Tell your family members you love them, often.
Take care
Brenda
my husband and I are both the eldest child in the family and both of us have had to do everything on our own without family help. That’s just how it worked out. No one co-signed on our mortgage or bought us cars or paid our college tuition. We love our families but we’ve got friends that more like family. My husband’s best friend is more of a brother to him than his own brother is! His best friend is someone we can count on, his brother is not. I’ve lived 6 hours away from my parents for 15 years now so I haven’t been able to use them for much support. So I know that when the time comes, my husband and I will be ok without family support. We’ve been fine all this time and we will be fine 40 years from now.
i don’t this for granted at all, but my husband’s career allows us a comfortable lifestyle and an early retirement. When he retires, his pension will be 90% of his highest paid year. We’ll stay in California 4 more years after that, until our youngest graduates high school and then we are out of here! His retirement alone will allow us a very comfortable lifestyle. One of the best things about my husband’s job is that many of his coworkers are like family. We have a slew of friends who have already retired and left the state for states with a lower cost of living, there’s groups of them in varies places already. My husband is 5 years from retirement and we are starting to think about that. Some of our friends who are nearing retirement have already purchased land or homes in states with a much lower cost of living so we are thinking about where we want to go and whether or not buy some land in the near future or wait & sell the house when the time comes & then pay cash for a house wherever we decide to
move. But wherever we will go, we will have close friends in the area & we will all support each other. So even if the kids don’t go with us, we will be ok.
Again I don’t take this for granted and I know that not everyone can afford to plan for old age.
My BIL stepping back (running) from their care does not mean that I/we chose to step forward. We did what needed to be done - as their children and as compassionate human beings.
My way to drop the hate is twofold - to avoid him as much as possible and to realize that I am blessed with many people who I love and love me back. He, sadly, is alone.
You reap what you sow.
Sounds like we have the same kind of BIL. Happy to receive help but unwilling to give it. That's the rub for me.
Thanks you for taking the time to respond. I agree with you that I don't want to be a burden on my kids either. I am assuming that you have put aside the financial means to hire help and/or to move to ALF as your needs change. What about emotional support? So many people on here are saddened by the lack of phone calls/visits from the adult children and how lonely/unloved the parent feels.
My husband and I have three sons and are raising them with the understanding that "Family takes care of Family." Their grandmother lived with us and they were an essential part of keeping her company and caring for her in a way that they could. My 15 year old felt important when he was able to use his learner's license to drive her to get her hair done. I am proud of him that he took his wheelchair bound/oxygen dependent grandmother on an outing that meant a lot to her. The eldest and youngest spent many hours watching TV with her - thank goodness for my menopausal hotflash sake...she kept her basement apartment at 80 degrees!! My eldest was also "guilty" of getting her the fast food that she craved even though it was way too high in sodium for someone on dialysis.
My mom lives close to us and is a big part of our lives. She lives on a lake and our kids and their friends love hanging out at her house/dock. They know that they are expected to help care for her. We regularly clean her house, take care of her yard/house and put up her Christmas decorations each year (a very time intensive undertaking!!). They get access to sodas and candy in return. Lol
My hope is that we set a good example and they don't turn out like so many of the siblings on this site!!
What i object to is the elder handing a list to their children "here - you do this" with no consideration of the fact that their child has a full time job, children of their own, a house of their own, yards of their own and adding to the stress the sandwich generation already feels. My IN LAWS are an example - my BIL travels full time, when he is home he takes care of his own house plus a four unit apartment complex that he owns - yet my INLAWS expect him to drive 90 minutes round trip to mow their lawn and snow blow them. Why do they not pay the kid next door? "It costs $20!!!!" They have the money. They are fit and go to the gym three times a week and brag about it and when we visit for Easter each year - they expect me to clean their bathrooms and wash their windows while my FIL and husband golf and my MIL takes my son on an outing. I say "No" and they are outraged. "It costs $150 for someone to wash the windows!!!" yet they are fit enough to wash them and my suggestion of one room a week left them speechless with anger. This is the type of @#$# i am talking about - parents who are too lazy to do for themselves, too cheap to hire it, and have no qualms of burdening their already burdened kids.
My mom knows i work a stressful sales job with a demanding quota that if i don't make quota i'm out of a job - 50-60 hour weeks are normal. My husband travels. My son is in a gifted school so we have much time with him on school work. We have a house to maintain and a yard. Yet she will go to the casino and gamble her money and expect us to give her rent money. NO. Then threatens suicide when we say NO. Then taps my sister who decided that working part time with a child was too hard, who can't say NO who is then PIZZED at me for saying NO when we make more money than they do. (math not hard - two incomes VS one).
I'm willing to help family - but they need to help themselves first. Not feel entitled simply because they are old or lazy or cheap. Yes i'm bitter - i spend my life telling my mom and my IN LAWS no and dealing with family and their friends who think i'm a shit. Thank god for my step mom who is an absolute angel.
you will only be sweating yourself up for heartache and disappointment when they don’t get involved as you want them to. I did not meant to imply that your expectations are outrageous and unrealistic. I was trying to say, try not to expect too much out of them because when that day finally comes where your mom needs help, they may not be around.
my BIL is very similar to yours. He’s a taker not a giver. He only comes around when he wants something. It used to make me so mad because he always borrows other family members stuff and asks for their help with things but he never returns the favor. He once ran out of gas at 4am—because he was letting his car get repossessed and didn’t want to fill the tank. He calls my husband to come bring him gas! And my husband did. A few weeks later, we needed help moving some heavy furniture back in to the house after we had the floors refinished. He couldn’t be bothered to help us. I eventually learned to accept it. It’s just how he is. We don’t ask him for anything and my husband has started telling him no.
My question to you both (and I am not trying to be snarky) is how are you going to handle your needs as you age if/when people have the "I choose not to" attitude to you?
I helped my mother because I cared about her and someone had to do it. I hoped my siblings would care enough about me, and Mom, to share the burden to the extent they could. Some did, some didn't. My relationships flourished with those who helped and suffered with those who didn't. That's the natural consequence of the choices everybody made. I wouldn't call any of them "lazy selfish trash" though. Well, one of them maybe, but she's done a lot more wrong than just failing to show up when Mom needed help.
To those of you who defended him...his actions are a lifelong habit of "Not Me." It wasn't just the two years she lived with us.
He was happy to drive the 45 min to drop off his daughter for his parents to babysit for a weekend but wouldn't mow the lawn or take out the trash when he returned to pick her up. I do think that he should have helped them since they were helping him. But, I also think they should have told him "no" to babysitting when he told them "no" to helping. I'm guessing he would have rather mowed the grass in order to have the weekend to himself.
One Christmas he insisted that his parents come to his house to see his daughter. They didn't want to go (his bathroom was not easy for them to use) but did it anyway. When they got hungry, he had no food to feed them. They ended up going to Waffle House, my BIL "forgot" his wallet (again) and my in-laws paid for the meal.
The next Christmas, my husband and I suggested only doing presents for the kids and my in-laws. Everyone agreed except BIL. BIL said that he wanted to do gifts for everyone. Even though money was tight for us, I schlepped my three kids to the store, bought gifts, etc. Come Christmas morning, BIL shows up empty handed - no gifts for anyone!!
When their health first began to decline, we tried to organize a care meeting to discuss the parent's need and who could do what and he "forgot" to come to it.
I could fill a book with examples of his selfishness and uncaring. It didn't start with his parents needing help and doesn't end there. For my MIL's funeral, his only responsibility was to bring pics of himself and his daughter. He didn't and it really hurt his daughter's feelings to see pics of everyone else and for her to be unrepresented. We live close to the church and I sent my son home to get a picture of her - she shouldn't be left out because of her dad's actions.
To those who said hire someone to do things for my in-laws - the fact is that they couldn't afford it. Money is only a solution to a problem when people have it to spend.
Also, to those who advise to step back - that only works if someone else steps up. There's only so long that people can go without groceries, prescriptions, etc. Then, it's usually the same someone who takes care of the problem.
I don't see BIL unless it's a holiday which is a relief. Unfortunately, there are usually only eight of us at the gatherings so it is hard to avoid him completely. I try to limit my contact to "hello" and "goodbye" but what gets me is how much I allow the stress of seeing him to bother me. I am worried that I will lose my temper and 15 years of frustration will explode and ruin the get together. If I could choose, BIL wouldn't be there at all. But, as my husband has said, that's the only blood family he sees on holidays and I will suck it up for his sake.
commitment.
Nobody should be expected to be a source of unpaid labor for elderly family members, but sometimes the reality is that someone has to do it. Sometimes the parents can't afford the amount of physical help they need, and sometimes the help required needs to be done by someone who is closely connected to the parent (I'm thinking here of attending doctors' appointments and ER visits). The principle that we are all entitled to make our own choices whether to help or not fails to take these realities into account.
Many times one or more siblings will recognize that somebody needs to step up and help the parent, but they still won't do it, instead claiming that another sibling is in a better position to do it or should take on full responsibility based on some other rationale. This is where I disagree. I would have more sympathy for your BIL if he truly believed that none of you (adult children or their spouses) should have to take responsibility for the aging parents. Once he said to his brother "it's your responsibility, not mine," he lost my vote. Either it's not the responsibility of the adult children or it is. And if it is, it needs to be apportioned on some equitable basis. It may be very hard to determine what is equitable, but saying "I don't want to do it, so it's on you." doesn't begin to approach it.
You are free to not want a relationship with you brother in law. I wouldn't want one either at this point. I don't believe you need to adjust your expectations. It's too late anyway as the in-laws are both deceased. If your husband wants to see his brother, let him. But you don't need to throw out the red carpet and the welcome mat given the way you legitimately feel.
your BIL has every right to live his own life. What he does on his vacation is not your concern. Your in-laws aren’t entitled to his vacation time. If they can’t mow the lawn they need to hire a lawn service or a neighborhood kid. If they want to move and they need help, they can hire movers. Your in-laws are responsible for their homes & the upkeep. Not you, not your BIL. That you and your husband choose to say yes and take on the responsibility doesn’t obligate your BIL to help out.
as far as your own siblings—you can expect whatever you want but understand this—when you choose to take on this kind of role and become this involved in your parents care, it does not obligate your siblings to do the same. They have a right to say no. And so do you. If you have big expectations of your siblings, in the same way you seem to have for your BIL, get rid of them now. Because you will only be disappointed when they fail to meet your expectations.
about moving - why do the kids have to pack and move the parents? Movers - pay them.
Your inlaws seem to think that they can hand out the chores to the kids to do. No wonder your brother in law didn't tell them about his vacation - they probably think he should spend it doing their work - like when he was 16, not 53.
You have expectations about what he should do. He is an adult - with his own family, job, and responsibilities. If your In Laws cannot take care of their house - they need to pay a handyman or down size - not demand kids make 90 minute round trips for lawn care.
You also - if you want to say no - say NO also.
About siblings who are not local and not able to help. You hire local resources and not burden siblings. The sandwich generation has enough pressures already - don't add more with YOUR expectations. What siblings want to VOLUNTEER - fine, but EXPECTATIONS/DEMANDS - no.
So, my other question to caregivers is for advice on how siblings can help when they can't be around for the day-to-day stuff.
Thanks
I can relate to caregivers who have siblings who won't help with their parents. I helped to take care of my inlaws for years. I did have more availability because I was also a stay-at-home mom to three kids as well as living the closest. Like a lot of the people on here, it started off as small ways to help and then grew as their needs grew.
My brother in law is a real source for frustration for me. He flat out refused to help his parents. He lives about 45 min away but couldn't be relied on to help them. When they asked to mow the yard, he told them "I'm not your maid and I'm not your yard boy. When I come, I just want to come visit."
My in-laws moved four times in twelve years as their needs changed. Not once did my BIL help pack or show up on moving day (and, yes, he was aware of what was happening as was asked to help). I did the majority of their packing each time - not a very fun way for me or my kids to spend our summers.
I can't tell you how many times my BIL had a week of vacation and no one knew about it until it was over. He didn't tell anyone ahead of time because "he had things he needed to get done." The man has six weeks of vacation a year and still couldn't find time to help his aging parents.
When my FIL was dying, my BIL didn't come see him until he had lost consciousness hours before he died. My husband had been telling him for days that the end was near and he needed to come see his dad. I was at the hospice with my kids the night before he passed and overheard the last phone conversation between my FIL and BIL. It was an unpleasant call because my FIL was hard of hearing and disliked talking on the phone. After a minute or two, my FIL basically hung up the phone in frustration. The kids and I went on to have a great visit with him - a wonderful last memory for us all.
My MIL lived with us for the last two years of her life and I was her primary caregiver. She had a lot of health issues but still had her mind. My BIL would come about once every six weeks for a few hours, sit on her couch and play on his phone. She was part of the problem because she rarely asked him to help her and hid how poorly she was feeling.
While she was with us, she spent two months in the hospital/rehab. My BIL had to be the one to get her from rehab, bring her home and wait with her for about four hours until we got home. Within minutes of our arrival, he was telling my husband "She can't be left alone. Someone needs to be with her at all times. Someone needs to make her breakfast, lunch, and dinner." When my husband asked him what he was going to do, the BIL replied, "She lives with you. She's your responsiblity." My husband kicked him out.
We decided to move again and my husband and I were busy packing ourselves and renovating the new house to accommodate her needs (widening doorways, building a ramp, etc). In the months leading up to the move, I went through a lot of my MIL's possessions with her to decide what she didn't want/need anymore and packing what we could. The week before the move, my MIL asked my BIL to help her pack the remaining stuff. He told her, "I'm 54 years old and my packing and moving days are over. You need to find someone else to help you." That really hurt my MIL. She spent the next day in tears - stressed about her health, stressed about the move, etc. I took her to the hospital the day after that.
Her friends from church came over and had her packed in one day - and their average age is 70.
My MIL passed away a few weeks later and, honestly, I am relieved for her.
My issue is how to deal with the BIL now. We really only see him for holidays but I could easily never see/speak to him again. My husband is a bigger person and doesn't want to cut him off.
So, to those who have cut off siblings, how is that going for you now? Are you happier? Missing your sib?
Thanks
Thanks for letting me vent.