The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank you for the lovely hugs and comments!!! It may appear that I am on the wrong thread; I am on the right thread...just haven't arrived at that part of the story yet. Please bear with me.

I would also like to add that this all snowballed about a year ago, Mom is safe in a local nursing home and I am still picking up the pieces of her life.

So we arrive in Dallas just in time for visiting hour. If you have never been to a PSYCH hospital, this is SOP: leave your purse, cell phone, no food or drinks, or anything without prior permission signed. You must know the patient secutity code and sign in to receive a visitor pass. You must sign out and return the pass one hour later. In the 10 days we were in Dallas, I was allowed to see her 5 hours total! We arrived (my husband and I) and I saw Mom for the first time in 15 years. Several years back various family members have tried to visit her, us included, but Mom would not let us in...she would take the phone off the hook and not answer the door. So one by one we each realized that the thought of any of us stopping by was creating far more stress than joy so we stopped trying. But here I was...praying she wouldn't yell at me. She did not yell, she surprised me by not needing her walker or a cane! She told the arresting officer to "Leave them behind, because I'm feeling vain." She not only walked--she pranced! (We brought the walker the next day.) I obtained her apt. key from lock-up and headed for her home. When we arrived everything was neat except the kitchen. There I found soup in the coffee pot and raw potato's in spaghetti sauce on stove, and something in the microwave half-cooked. The next day would be very busy as Mom's purse went missing along with her credit card. That night EVERYTHING in my world began to change.

Before that night: I was diagnoised with Fibromyalgia 22 years ago. I went several years trying to cure myself to no avail and enter pain medication, followed by lots of other meds. Anyway, in Spring 2008 we had 6 inches of rain, that night I began to vomit...it went on from both ends for 48 hours, I went to the ER and they misdiagnosed me (while I was in ER the Army Corps opened the flood gates and my brother in laws home was going under as well as the bridge to my home) 5 days after that I went to a different hospital and I was diagnosed with Giardia (a water-bourne parasite). I had nothing but ice chips for 10 days! In about a year I went from 186 lbs. to 104lbs. I need to share more about this later. But when I went to Texas I was still very ill.

So the days that followed were wild and wooly. I was on her checking acct. so I was able to close her acct. and open a new one. On day 3, her psychiatrist phoned and said he would not release her to anywhere but a nursing home, she could not come home again. That was on Thursday, by Saturday it dawned on me that we could be packing and by Wednesday the U-Haul arrived. My husband had stopped by our local nursing home when filling up for our trip, so I called and then via my neighbor, found a DR. that would accept her, hired my nephew and a friend to bring the truck and secured a storage unit in Arkansas. Meanwhile, I knew a little about her recent health issues, I talked to her about 5 hours each week and in July of 2010 she had gone to the ER and was given an MRI and CT where they found "bright spots" on her brain. She never saw another Dr. until

Ambulances do not transport a pt. from a hospital back home but the social workers at the hospital should have assesed the pt. and if needed made sure the women had a way to get home and also assesed her ability to care for herself-I think the hospital droped the ball-maybe the press should do a report on this and let the public know what has happened to this poor women. All elderly people living alone need to have a bag or something in their refrig. with their health history-allergies and family members name and phone no included so when being transported by an ambulance the emt's or parimedics can grab that info and take it with them in the ambulance for occasions like this-I sure hope this story was made public. Elders are very good at hiding information from their families because of fear of losing their independence or having to go into a nursing home.

Banshee, I have heard a lot, but this is about the worst I've heard. It sounds like full-blown dementia to me. I know you are trying to figure out what to do next. We're here to listen to you, hon. Big hugs.

THE STORY: In Oct.,2010, I recieved a call from Dallas, TX. I live in the Ozark Mtns. approx. 6-7 hours away. It was a visiting nurse who found my mother walking onto an on-ramp with her walker headed for an 8 lane highway. She had a cab voucher in her hand from the hospital near her home, she had gone to the ER that morning for heart problems. Long story...short version...
The visiting nurse (a complete stranger) got Mom into her car, found her address, took her home, called me, then called 911. The ambulance would not transport!! The nurse went on to work and I nearly blew up the phone lines trying to get help to her. I called the hospital...they would not transport...I called 911 again...they would not transport...I called the elderly abuse hotline and started a case...by 6:PM the nurse returned and my Mom was missing again. That Angel found her for me again!! I spent ALL of that day trying to get her help. Around 9:PM we were on the phone and she thought she had just had a baby (she lived at the same address for 20 years but had no friends or family near by choice) I suggested she go to bed as the baby would need her the next day. She said "OK. Are we done talking?" I replied "yes" and she laid the phone down and walked out the door! About 45 mins. later the phone rang...it was Dallas Police telling me they were arresting her without a warrent and placing her in a mental hospital. I was in Dallas the next day...

I will write more later, as you know with emotional situations I have a need to refresh, relax, and rest. TTFN

I know I am jumping into the middle of a thread but I want to Thank All Of You; you are all so very brave and kind! Many of your experiences speak to my heart, I will post more later... keep laughing!!!

I am proud of you for standing up for yourself-it took me almost 16 years of caregiving for me to stick up for myself with the husband and I started out with baby steps -everytime I refused to be bullied I got a little stronger until I became the bitch he had call me for many years-you go girlfriend and stick with us -there are good people here.

I have to stick to my guns on this one, because the thought of doing it makes me feel ill. After talking to someone a minute ago on the board, it occurred to me that my mother was trying to bully me. She is upset because I can't be bullied anymore. Kids grow up, but some parents never keep pace.

Jessie stick to your guns -you have made a good start and everytime you set boundaries you will get stronger and also why is she not washing him-if she can not do this after the 3 weeks of medicare maybe she needs to be told he will have to be placed if she refuses to do it-you should not be expected to do it and she does not want your brother to do it so that leaves her.

Thank you so much, ucantcare2much. My mother has been in a snit all evening, but I've just ignored and did the things I normally do. I don't like being around her when she is like this. One day she might get upset at my failure to obey and tell me I have to do something or leave. That will be okay because I sure do miss my friends in Texas.

Dear Jessiebelle, I TOTALLY AGREE with Baumgark...DO NOT let ANYONE, whether it be family, friends, professionls, etc...guilt or manipulate you into doing something that you are not comfortable doing!!! Once you start, they will "suck" you dry! I know! You have to find a way to say to yourself, "It's their issue. Let them hang on to the anger if they want it! I am, on-the-other-hand, going to let it go." If you can do this, you will feel better in both mind and spirit!
Good Luck! (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

Baumgark, I like to think that there is something we are supposed to be learning from all of this. That may be a bit "beyond," but it does help me to think there is a greater meaning to it all. Being able to set aside my anger is one benefit I've received. I have a feeling that are more spiritual benefits and healing on down the road. It sure can be tough hitting those speed bumps, though.

When I decided to move my grandmother into my home, my brother ask me if I were crazy. He stated that I spent my life trying to break the cycle and thousands of $ in therapy. So why do this, I ask myself that everyday, especially at 12and3am. My family knew about and contributed to sexual, verbal and physical abuse. I must be crazy, you all are angels, truly angels. Thank you for the support!

Dear Jessiebelle, Do not let your family guilt you into anything you do not feel comfortable doing. You are kind to help, but please have little patience for manipulation which you are probably used to.(I only say this because of our topic) I thought I was being kind by being guilted into things, no more sister, no more! Good luck to you!

There was another twist in the family game today. We had home health come in for my father. They are going to do PT, OT, and bathe him for 3 weeks. Medicare will only pay for 3 weeks of home care now. We were most wanting someone to bathe him, because it is becoming too difficult for my mother and I do not want to bathe them. I just do not feel comfortable giving them baths. I think it is all part of being the dysfunctional family that I do not feel comfortable touching them in personal areas.

My mother said that if she was not able to bathe my father, then I would have to do it. I told her no. She said it was my duty. I said no, we would have to pay someone. She got mad and asked me how long he took care of me. I said that he was not my child. She said it was still my duty. I said well, maybe we could get my brother to come in. She said he was too busy. I said yes, but wasn't it his duty. I mean Dad supported him even longer than he did me. She said that not Lyn, that I was convenient. Oh, brother! I said you mean that I'm the girl, don't you? She got all red faced mad, going into her crying, just get out of here mode. I don't know how one makes some people understand that life is not all about them, and that daughters are not indentured slaves. There is really not much point in trying to make them see it.

Sometimes it does feel that you can donate you life to people, but they try to suck even more from you. No respect for boundaries at all. I had to pull myself out of the muck and get on with the day. I'll have to leave the anger with her.

I got a new one for ya all...my sister in law thinks i have something going on with her ex husband but she is on the way to get booted. He has done more than enough for someone who hasn't tried to do anything for herself. Her kids have learned the best traits there is from her and I can only hope n pray they break the chain what gets my craw up is they refused to take her in...their own mother. Then on the other hand my step dad at least seems to care about what i am trying to do and being a caregiver plus a mother is a difficult job; I am also still grieving over the loss of my grandmother yet my sister thinks she has it all in place . I told my stepdad about the arguement and he didnt take no sides...to some extent he knew what was going on when i was living with her. I am so tired of no communication from my husband family and my sister complaining about this n that....were all going thru something whether we like it or not and I think i been wearing my cap and badge pretty good as a caregiver more than ever. I got one more week before I have to fax in the time sheet. I am just tired of no one caring what others are going thru and i have lost some form of empathy that i cannot explain maybe cuz I am done but I have to keep going ..I am glad some of us are overcoming the crazy obstacles of our families and learning to deal with degenerates who only seek Green not family...

Soverytired, thanks! A high school friend of mine told me upon reading those poems how accurately they portray my life's journey. I am glad that poems born out of my life journey helps others.

I like your comment about "to see how easily I flip into my role." That is a sign of deep insight and you are well on your way to a new day. I'm also glad to hear of what you are letting go of. Nope, we can't make people see the light.

There are four sentences that I love in relation to people's dysfunctional drama. 1. I did not make them or cause them to be that way. 2. I can't control them. 3. I can't fix them. 4. All I can do is put myself on a healthier path and if they decide to do as well fine, and if they decide not to do as well is fine also.

Well, this is going to be my real vent. To talk about things I can't talk about otherwise. And hope my sister never guesses my screen name. Here's my problem: Mom was hospitalized 4 times last year. She had several emergency room visits after breaking her shoulder, then 2 UTIs and colitis, largely from the pain medication, it seems clear. That went on from the end of September to the beginning of December. And 2 more UTIs since then. So she's been weak and needed help with everything. She's gotten a little better, but I've been getting up with her in the middle of the night for the bathroom. She also has incontinence problems (who doesn't?). She's really ashamed of that, and with the UTIs, we're trying to do what we can do. With physical therapy, luckily we know a good place to go. She's taking low-dose antibiotics for the time being. Well, here's the thing. I'm taking a vacation at last and my sister is going to be here for 2 weeks. She's pushing herself as usual because she's selling her house, and she has a short fuse at normal times. She pretty much let me know she would not be able to handle getting up during the night with Mom. I thought about other ways, hiring someone else, etc. That's a decision I'll have to make in the next few days. We are also going to try a bedside commode. So maybe that will work and I too will be able to sleep more, if she can do that on her own. I just don't know, I'm going to see what training with me can do. But here's the problem: even though my sister is right, it would certainly be better if she (and I) could sleep through the night, I see she's right about that, she kind of delivered the message to me like, it has to be this way or else. Not, maybe we should try this... She's forcing the issue. And she always does. I live in fear always that it'll be something like that. I can't trust her, she constantly pulls something out, that I have to use psychology to maneuver around. For example, no matter how desperately tired I got in the last few years, frightened, needing support, I couldn't ask her to come to help or relieve me. It had to be her idea. If I were to pressure her in any way, I'm afraid she'd lose it and have a rage against my mother. I think she has borderline personality disorder. She's a "borderline borderline," as they say in "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (a great book! compassionate to everyone involved in a situation like that).

I have my own rage issues, being so tired hasn't made me better, I'm definitely losing it, I can throw things once in a while, I feel terrible about all that and it's got to stop. There's no way, though, if I can't get some rest. It always seems to me that I have to watch every word I say. With my sister and my mother, who is bipolar and probably has some dementia. And I'd like to purify myself, that I can get over this and just forget it, because anything I say to my sister I feel would hurt her. Yes, I'd like to be honest and for her sake, I probably should be, I should not be a doormat, even if it were only for her sake and not for other obvious reasons. But I don't have time to think about that right now, so I just take the easy way out, I pretend I don't have anger over being forced into a box.

This is my vent. Well--part of it! It helps.

Izabella, bless your heart. I think you deserve to have tonight and tomorrow be all about you. I'm not going to say anything about your mother, but I sure am going to think it!

Very true words in your poetry cmagnum. My 2 favorite lines are:
To empower oneself,
one must stop giving power to the old self

I am watching my interactions with everyone carefully right now to see how easily I flip into my role - hopefully, someday I won't have to be hypervigilant about it but I'm observing right now...

AND

Stop waiting for others to repent,
for that's wasting energy that can be better spent.

I have been able to let go of a lot the last several months and certainly one big issue was letting go of the idea that I can make them see the light, make them see my value. Of course I can't. I can only control myself and my own actions and reactions.

Your words are beautiful.

So.. tomorrow I am having surgery.. and I had to make arrangements for my mom to go to one of my sisters house.. she cannot be home alone.. so I made all the arrangements..bought all the food.. got everything in order and now my mom is so pissed I'm "making" her go.. this guilt trip is the topper of them all.. I have to be strong and not give in and change arragements according to my moms wants.. (she wants to be home w/my sons, but I have to give them a break,especially my one son who is sick..I dont want him spending the day begging her to eat..ect..).. So, I need everyone to pray that I dont give in to her relentless guilt trip.. She says she doesn't need a babysitter.. she says she wants to be here for me when I get home from the hospital..and yet I do know this is about her just not wanting to go at all.. I had someone ask me today if I was nervous about my surgery.. funny part is I just want to get it over with so I can get back home and try to make peace..

:-D

sandfox, it was a pleasure to read your message. You go, girl!

Yup, OK, you asked, "How am I doing today?" Hey, things are looking up. I approached mom about getting her behind off the couch and going to an adult day care center. I told her she needs to get out and socialize, do activites, etc. She misunderstood exactly what I meant, but it's going to work anyways. I mean freaky good. She knew about the exact group I was suggesting, but took it to mean that she should go back as a voluntee. I'm not sure how she made the transition from the one of attending adult day care to volunteening, but she did. She is capable if she wants to. That just lit her right up. The happiness returned. I just hope they will accept her back into doing what she was doing as a volunteer. Can it get much better than thinking you are going to have a struggle convincing her to go to a day care center to finding you are getting her back in harness as a volunteer? There was a misunderstanding here, but it worked!

Jam said: "no divorce but lots of other dynamics to cause turmoil."
What? That's NOT normal? Really? I must come from a dysfunctional outfit too. Geez. :)

Lovely poems magnum.A lot of my poems also deal with life as well as different types of loss.We should start a creative writing group for Caregivers on this site.Members could add poems,essays or even short stories based on their life experiences.

Soverytired, sounds like you have made a lot of progress via your hard work in therapy. I can so relate with mom's feelings being the only important ones. I learned to swallow mine at a very young age. You do have a lot to grieve over and that is part of the process.

Dysfunctional family units want us to believe their normal is a healthy normal when in reality it is not.

I know what you mean about having to build an outside family to replace your family of origin. Doing so, although not always with the best choices, in my last two years of high school helped me survive and begin my escape. Eventually, I left home and thought I was free, but no I was carrying the baggage and its impact right a long with me. I've spent years in therapy getting where I am today and for that I'm glad.

Using the I statements helps on the journey out of the victim mode. Sometimes, like in my own case, after one has gotten in touch with those raw feelings of hurt, etc. write the person (mom, sister or whoever) a letter, read it aloud to like a therapist, burn it in a fire proof container, and then throw the ashes to the wind with possibly some words or a prayer of releasing that stuff. Below is a poem that I wrote about dysfunctional families that I hope will help you on your journey.

What a cop out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family

Years of being in therapy.
can set one free.
Once one has seen the light
one can't claim ignorance in the fight

The choices now made,
can't be blamed on past decisions that others made,

What a cop out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family

One can say “the end” and chose to be free.
However, often such freedom from the dark side takes years of hard work in therapy.

To excuse the lack of personal responsibility
is to keep oneself inflicted by one's dysfunctional family.

To empower oneself,
one must stop giving power to the old self

What a cop out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family

Stop waiting for others to repent,
for that's wasting energy that can be better spent.

To still wallow in the pain,
is only empowering it,
and holding on to it
which produces no gain.

It's time for many to say “the ending”,
and now “the beginning”.

What a cop out to say this is who I am and always will be
because of a dysfunctional family

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------and

Barnacles and the Tragedies of Life

Barnacles are like the tragedies of life.
On a wooden ship they destroy its life.
Those who run into them are diced.
Barnacles can shipwreck your or another’s life.

Ever hear that hurt people, hurt people too?
How can this not be true of me and you.

Difficult to do in the middle and after a painful crisis.
Refuse to feel the pain and anger of being diced.
End up numb and dumb just like ice.

To forever nurse the pain,
Leads to never being free to love again.

We cannot chose to be or not to be hurt by the barnacle like tragedies and people in life.
However, we can chose not to let those experiences make us like a barnacle in another’s life.

To be or not to be a barnacle is the question for tonight.
To feel hurt and anger, but sin not is a difficult fight.

However, it is the biblical way to a better day.
Yet holding on to it and nursing it digs a dark and dreary day.

People, we do this as if it will somehow accomplish something.
But honestly, that choice accomplishes nothing.

Yes, cmagnum, learning to use "I statements" - and experiencing the actual emotions and feelings behind the "I statement" is a new experience after growing up in a dysfunctional family where the only feelings were mom's feelings (and, oldest sis). Tilda, I can relate, as I have lost the "relationships" I thought I had with my sisters through the stress and challenges of mom's aging. I am grateful that the situation has given me a chance to work on myself (I am in therapy to deal) but I have a lot of grief over it. It's weird isn't it? Sometimes in a dysfunctional closed family unit, you think you're all so close and then you find out there really wasn't much authentic there after all. The family bonds are really all about the family roles and myths. So I suppose I'm grieving for relationships I never really had at all. I am hanging in trying to keep a relationship of sorts with my mother, due to her age. I mean there is no point in trying to straighten anything out with her at this point and I just don't think she's capable of it. Sometimes you just have to build yourself a family outside of your family of origin. Jessebelle, I like your comebacks! You must have learned to turn off the victim mode, which I'm trying to do, so it's very helpful!

It sure has been a quiet afternoon and night. I hope everyone is doing alright. Prayer, hugs and love to all

TILDA, very often a parent(s) with a narcissistic personality raise people who have a borderline personality disorder which has a very strong narcissistic streak in it. It sounds like you were the resilient child who survived your environment, but your brothers did not survive.

It sounds like your daughter's are breaking some 'family' chains in their own lives which is great. Congratulations!

It sounds like you have made some much needed detachment with love in order to survive which is great. With some people and with some family members about all the relationship that we realistically can have is that we are fellow human beings, but beyond that their drama and accompanying emotional blackmail is too abusive for real human intimacy as friends.

My wife and I have had to work on breaking some family chains from our family of origins which turned out to be very similar. With the progress that we have made, we feel very much closer to each other which is so important in these empty nest years.

I was about to "unsubscribe" for my mamma passed in July and I am no longer actively a caregiver...however....while scrolling down the heading of this topis caught my emotional eye...and I had to read on...So glad I did. So much of what has been said fits...a bit too well. "Notlikemom" comments hit home..and touched all four bases and then some.

I feel as if I entered the "Twilight Zone" as soon as mamma died. She was a narcissist who was finally diagnosed and given the right meds in the last years of her life. Up till then, life with her was a downhill roller coaster ride...with me under the cars. Seemed like both my brothers got to sit in the cars while I was left with the dirty work of cleaning up and dealing with my mom all throughout. Younger brother who reaped the financial benefits bailed as soon as my mom was old enough to need help and unable to babysit...and older brother came along at the end to supervise and control her money and assets...again...to take...and judge and control...not to be a team member...not to help..

Now that mamma is gone, and all that is left is to clean up the mess...of paperwork and property...my brothers and their wives are waiting with hands out to see what it in it for them...and I feel alone in my grief and alone in my memories of wasted childhood and youth...caring for mamma and my brothers. Now that I need help, and I need compassion and I need support...they are not only no where to be found...but have become vicious with me and verbally aggressive for it seems they fear I will somehow need them...or ask a favor...so they set up arguments and insults....so that I know where I stand.

Family died the day my mamma died...for when a Narcisist raises children who do not auto correct their learned dysfunciton.....the cylce continues. I have chosen to correct what I thought was unhealthy and took responsibility for my relationship conflicts. When my husband abadoned me...he also was cut from the same cloth as my mom....for we attract what is familiar....I finally started inventory of my own issues and started to self adjust. Fortunately for my two daughters and for myself. we have healthy communication based on honesty coming from love....They also are working at their marriages to carry on the work I started. It is not simple, for they married men that were similar to their father....and it is work...to love those that do not love themselves.....but I can see that my efforts were not in vain...for my childrens sake....

However, I am heartbroken in the loss of my brothers...and am working at healing that betrayal. I must learn to accept them and their wives as they are....a work in progress...perhaps a work in disrepair with no contractor on cite....and no bluprints to work with....All I can do is draw a line in the sand where they can not cross and remind myself...as I did with mamma...that I need to forgive them for they know not what they do.....and therefore...love myself enough to keep a safe distance. I felt it my duty to care for my mom, regardless of her abusive ways...that is not the case with my brothers.

I have changed my health care proxy, changed my will and I will change my definition of family....They have become relatives....who I may love but not like. I love our history together, I love what I know can be good in them...but will not wait for their love in return. I let go of that bond...and just love them as children of the universe....As Mother Theresa once said..."I see my Lord in all His distressing disguises..." I consider people with personality disorders...such as Narcissism one of those...

I will be following ...and am grateful for this chance to "vent" air out my feelings...in the hope that my lessons and my pains....give clarity to someone else...just as what you all have written has helped me...and I thank you.

Soverytired, I know exactly what you're saying. So much of what people say feels like "if you were not so faulty, it would be easier for you." The ways that things are expressed makes a big difference. A suggestion like "you ought to get out more" makes me feel defensive because of the way it feels. I've also never figured out why the people assume I don't get out, since getting out is not a problem around here.

The other things you mentioned, soverytired, have the same feel. They are actually critical statements. People who say them may think they're offering good advice, but there is the second edge to that knife. I guess we should have some ready comebacks. Let's see:

Statement: You ought to get out more.
Response: You're right! Let's go see that new Brad Pitt movie. (Gorgeous man!)

Statement: You need to learn to relax.
Response: If I was any more relaxed, I'd be asleep.

Statement: You need to stop worrying so much.
Hmm, this one is a toughie, especially for worry warts like myself. Oh, I got it!
Response: But then what would I do? I know! Let's go see that new Brad Pitt movie.

I guess we could have fun with dreaming up our positive comebacks.