My little mother, the hoarder, has finally gone just too far and YB and I are going to clean her hoard.
(And we are going to catch H3LL for it, too, but I am so glad we're doing this that I can't stand it.)
COVID has had her completely locked down for over a year...she literally has been nowhere, but the inside of the car for that length of time. She has aged quite significantly and now that the Sr Center will be reopening in about a month--she doesn't have the energy to go. She can barely walk and recently has become bowel incontinent. That's something that's hard to hide.
Being home all the time just spurred her catalog shopping and she has bought thousands of dollars worth of clothes, home decor items, puzzles and books. Her hoard has probably doubled in a year.
I was taking out the dead plants the other day and fell backwards over a pile of books-caught my heel on something and went down hard. I was so mad at her, b/c while I was banged up, a fall like that would break her hip. She has the typical little 'pathway' that hoarders make. And she walks so very slowly, that she says SHE never falls.
Anyhow--while retrieving this dead plant, I saw behind the end table and she has piles and piles of old catalogs and TV Guides. All completely covered in thick dust.
I went in the kitchen top get an ice pack and mother yells out to me to NOT USE THE TOASTER. I asked why and she said 'it's full of moths'. By darn, it was. Thousands of them, cooked to a crisp. Then I realized she had gone through her cupboards and has put everything in ziploc bags, b/c of the moth infestation.
I kind of blew up and asked her what was going on--she said she had it under control--no, not by a long shot. Evidently, nobody cleaned her birdcage and the moths get in the food and then take over the apartment. She has moth traps all over her place and they are all packed with bugs. The wall behind the birdcage is covered in poop and feathers and more moths that got stuck in the poop. Then birds are crawling with mites. (I'm gagging now...)
OK, it has been a couple of years since I even attempted to clean and it's obvious. I left her house and contacted YB (she lives with him) and said "WE need to clean. If this doesn't get cleaned, I am just going to call APS and let them see the conditions she's in. I don't want you in trouble, but I need you to take a closer look. You are still sick from COVID (he is a long hauler and will never be much better. Lots of health issues, primarily respiratory and the dust/moths/birds/feathers are making him cough all the time.)
He actually agreed, instead of blowing up, which is what he usually does. He started to cry and said "I just can't do this anymore. She's making me crazy".
Sad as I was to see him humbled and broken, it's opened the door to getting this place cleaned out. We are going to send mother with our sis up to visit her newest GGbaby, and that drive, combined with a stop for lunch will buy us 4 hours. We can do a LOT in that time.
It's going to be awful--but I finally have YB on board and accepting help to clean. Mother really needs 2 times a week bathing help and so I will broach that with mother---in time. YB is finally amenable to 'some' outside help.
I'd always maintained that if she CHOSE to live in a hoard, I wouldn't do anything to clean against her wishes with the caveat that if she EVER had vermin, all bets were off. Welll.......
I don't expect a total cleanout, but if we can simply buy her more space....so she's not creeping around her apartment in narrow passageways--that and get rid of the moths! I will consider it a success. I KNOW she will be so mad, but I know she's crossed the line into filth from just being untidy.
Sorry for the long post. I am a little anxious about stepping on her toes, but I also know that my daddy wouldn't have wanted her to live like this.
Wish me luck!
Wood chips, straw, or just a blankie?
Your Dad would be proud!
We love you Mid! Hugs!
I’m sorry for your relationship with your Mom, and about the birds, well the whole thing, really.
But I’m so glad that you’re not in on that job today!
So many times I wanted to clean my mothers house but because she was competent I was told she could live any way she wanted.
In my mothers case, she had no animals of any kind, and she never had any spoiled food. She threw out food every week on garbage day.
My mother too only had a path and she never fell but when I walked in I was always tripping over something!!! One time I tripped and almost landed on her where she was sitting!! It was insane!!!
When my mother passed away my brother and I cleaned out her 2,000 square foot house. It took 2 giant dumpsters, 50 contractor bags to throw everything out!!
We gave her furniture to my friends son and girlfriend for their new house. The rest of the furniture went to good will.
But I’m glad that your siblings will be able to go over and clean. Hopefully your mom won’t “replace” everything with “more stuff”.
Hoping for a successful clean out, and for you to take care of you.
My mother passed away on October 31st and we just ran out of her paper towels and toilet paper. We brought all that stuff back to my house. We haven’t run out of Kleenex yet. We still have 5 more boxes of Kleenex left.
I use to watch the show hoarders. I don’t think any of them were ever “cured.”
When I told some of my coworkers that my mother was a hoarder, there first question to me was “Are you a hoarder?” NO!! I told them. It’s not hereditary!!!
Please update us when you can.
My YB and YS went and cleaned all day. YB reported that they threw away TONS of stuff, so that is good. He said mother was in OK spirits, and that is also good.
I honestly thought she'd have cancelled them at the last minute, but these 2 sibs are her absolute faves and I think she'd let them do anything, just for the chance to have a visit with them.
If they just got the books, puzzles, old catalogs and magazines out and the place aired and dusted, I would be happy. I think they were both shocked at how grimy the place was, once you actually looked at it.
I had my 2nd COVID shot yesterday and I reacted so badly to the 1st one, I kind of expected to feel rotten this go around, and I do. But in 2 weeks, I can visit my kids!! Plus, evidently, I now get a free Krispy Kreme doughnut everyday for the rest of the year :)
I joked with my kids that a lot of people wouldn't get the vaccine for their health, but for a free doughnut every day for the rest of the year? Heck, Yeah!
Thanks for the support through this. I'm sure her place is not up to my standards, and as long as those gross birds are living there, it won't be. But, hey, it's HER place and she's happy.
Funny how the 'golden kids' can do ANYTHING and they get praised to the heavens. I do the same thing with OS and we get chewed out. Go figure!
Yayayay for getting to see your kids soon! Such good news!
I guess her place needs some structural repairs. It is a part of YB's home, but mother wouldn't let him see the problem--the shower was rotted all around the base and she kept towels on it--'out of sight out of mind?' IDK. He worked for several hours and YB will have to get in there and really fix it. She also needs new faucets--I've never seen a water faucet rot out of its moorings before, but all 3 of hers did. Weird.
I guess the dust & flying feathers was pretty awful, so I'm glad I was not there. I'm taking up some mothballs and cedar wood blocks to put in the closets to hopefully quell the moth problem. The cage did not get cleaned, so if that doesn't happen real soon, she'll be right back at square one.
Since the 2 sibs who went were her 'faves' she was much more accepting. They did get 7 HUGE bags of garbage out--and could have done 7 more, but there was only so much time.
My MIA sibs were quite humbled by how bad things were, as I have been trying to TELL them for over a year. Now we are going to go once a month, in pairs and just keep things up. It's still nowhere near where I would want it to be, but hey, I don't have to live there. She's pretty mad at me, I hear, Oh well.
Now I have had my 2nd vaccine, I get to go to Krispy Kreme and get a free doughnut everyday for the rest of the year. Pretty smart advertising on KK's part!
Thanks for all the support. Mom will continue to hoard and hang on to everything that comes in, but we have all decided to not give her any more "things". If sis could throw out 50 vases, she doesn't need any new ones! And over 100 little pads of paper and literally 1000's of those return labels you get with pleas for donation.
They did good. You all did good.
We're going to talk as sibs and plan a once a month upkeep cleaning, so it won't get this bad again. The last time it was this well cleaned was when mom thought she wanted to do 'KonMari' cleaning with me. Epic fail, and she was mad at me for years, so I have never done more than sneak out some papers.
The place looked sort of cleaner, but if I had not known it had been cleaned, I wouldn't have noticed. Like most episodes of "Hoarders" you wind up with an angry client, a depressed social worker and family that just wants to cry.
She asked HOW was she going to get those pickles out of the jar now?
If only that were the world's greatest problem.
She is really slowing down. Although she never caught covid, she spent over a year in the tightest lockdown since Alcatraz. Never even had a cold!
It had a cost, though, she is very depressed. This week our Sr Center is opening for ONE day of BINGO. Mom didn't feel like she had the strength to go! Also she has a super bossy 'friend' who is still driving and should not be...and mom can't stand up to her and say "I can't drive with you anymore".....so I told mom to throw ME under the bus and tell her friend I was not allowing her to go places with anyone NOT family. So, mom did just that, the 'friend' blew a little head gasket, but mom is going to let me take her to 90 minutes of BINGO. It will take 2-1/2 hours to make this happen, with the fact she can barely walk, but I do want mom to feel like she has something social to do. I don't care if her friend gives me the stink eye.
I popped up there today after church and had a nice, calm visit. She has, of course, begun to refill the hoard--and one of my nieces, meaning well, had brought in 6 little ceramic elephants with succulents in them. Mom now has NO dresser space, so I was scouting out a better place to put all these things. I also suggested that we take all the puzzles and books to the Center-telling her that they were running low and she needed to gift them. She agreed, so we made a good size pile for her to take.
We're going to lose the hoarding war, but we can win small battles. I snuck out a couple of really big baskets that she wanted filled with plants, but the moths will nest in the dirt, so no, that's not happening. Also, there is no where for them to go!
Mom looked so incredibly old today...She had not dressed nor done her hair or anything. I think she's giving up--and that's OK. She told me she's had 2 falls this week--she got checked out but was just banged up. She knows a broken hip means moving to a NH for the rest of her life, and she's scared.
I'll happily take her to BINGO, and also bring in lunch afterward if she wants. Her days of 'runnning around' are over.
As mad as she's made me over the years, I know I don't have much longer with her and I really don't want our last months together to be rife with contention. She has a much cleaner place (the birdcage got cleaned!!) and the moths are gone. I can 'sneaky pete' clean b/c she rarely gets out of her recliner.
Since I didn't clean, I am forgiven :) All around better.
I absolutely know I do not have the mental strength needed to sort my siblings or folks places out if that was needed today.
I'm looking around here at my own junk wondering how much stuff I would miss if my kids chucked some out... sigh. I know when I get into the cleaning bug mood I can make it move. But not today.
Mom will be so mad when I take the next step, anticipating calling area agency on aging this summer. As in years past, I will go around and around with her about opening windows and doors on the first very hot day, as she argues about putting on the AC, and remains in a closed-up home with an oscillating fan on her, perspiring and maintaining that she is fine.
Not this year.
It’s not what mom wants, it’s now what mom needs. My new mantra.
MidKid, remember to self care through this time. Keep us posted.
Even after she went to an Independent Living Facility, she kept the a/c off and her rooms sauna-like.
I even had her doctor explain to her that it was bad for her blood pressure.
It was no surprise to me that she had a stroke on July 1st. Sad as it was, it meant that someone else controlled the temps from then on.
The first summer after dad died, she was taken to the ER one hot August night. All doors and windows were closed, and the oscillating fan was on. She decided to make Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks in the oven. She gave herself heat stroke, called my daughter because we were out of town. Mom had been sweating profusely for hours, eventually losing her bowels. She checked out fine but hangs onto the one Thing she remembers the doc saying - that it might have been an inner ear thing. I told hospital staff what happened, but no one really listened.
Of course she now yells and screams that I don’t know what I’m talking about and she did not have a heat-related incident.
You can’t make this stuff up.
I NEVER wanted my mom to die and have regrets over hotly spoken words, slammed doors and anger. Most of what I struggled with, with her over the years, she simply has assigned entirely different storylines. It's up to me to accept that the way she remembers events are her reality, and I cannot change that.
Yes, she's driven me absolutely crazy over the years, painfully so, but in the end, I need peace and she does too.
She WANTS to go to Bingo in her wheelchair. That can't happen. She has an OLD wheelchair that weighs about 50 lbs and I can;t lift it nor get it in my small car. I told her she needed to do SOME kind of leg exercises so she could walk the few steps out of the house and into the Sr Center. I also gently reminded her that a powerchair cannot work in her apt, neither will a wheelchair and stepping down to those would mean she moves to a NH.
I'm sure we'll have rough days ahead, but I, for one, am going to really try to do better. I don't think we'll have her for the summer. She is hanging on for a beloved granddaughter's wedding June 3rd.
I cannot express how wonderful it is to have such great support from such a wonderful group of people.
Thank you all!