I've noticed reading this site that a lot of caregivers are caring for elderly parents who did not care for their own parents. I know my Mom and Dad did not. When they were my age they we're enjoying their retirement, travelling around the country in their RV. The caregiving of their folks was left to another sibling or their parents died without needing prolonged care.
Why is it that we are now caring for them? Do you think they were unaware of the financial, physical and emotional burden caregiving places on the children so they never planned for their old age? From what I've read on this site it seems that very few of us that are currently caregivers want our children to have to care for us in our senior years. Maybe our caregiving experience is a hardship for us but perhaps it will be a blessing to our children. Maybe we'll be more knowledgeable because of our experience and will be open and direct with our children on what we want done with us during those senior years when we can no longer care for ourselves.
Your thoughts?
My own mom and dad were never a burden and I respect that they cared about my brother and I enough to plan for their old age. They never had much but also never burned through money selfishly. They were model parents. My dad died and mom lives alone three miles from me. She is very frugal and keeps her tiny house spotless......so that I won't have to work hard to sell the house when she is gone. My only sibling died at 59 (cancer) so it's just me and her.
BUT.............my husband's family never planned for anything and lived way above their means borrowing all over the place. Their home was a mess. and crammed with junk. My husband and I could never reason with them and we really tried. Bill and I were kept in a holding pattern wondering what would happen next. Well, my sweet and wonderful husband died (cancer) :( The in-laws continued their wasteful lifestyle and then they moved in with me. At this time, MIL is still living with me - dementia and bedbound. The estate is a mess and my husband's only surviving sibling is of no use other than circling MIL property and laying claim to all. I don't care about that. It's just that I remember my in-laws spending months at the beach every winter and traveling well into their eighties. Absolutely no thought was given to their children. I care for MIL because it's the right thing to do and because - my goodness! - if it weren't for her I wouldn't have had my wonderful husband. I adored him and I miss him in every corner. As far as caring for his mother...........Bill would be appalled - but grateful. And that's enough for me. He was worth it. LOVED HIM SO MUCH.
It's a very different time we're living in, in many different ways.
My mother had moved across the country to pursue her doctorate, met my father, and so on, so she never moved back. Her father died in his 60's of a heart attack, and her mother became more frail and had dementia, probably in her 70's. My mother's sister, who lived locally, handled everything.
My mother had many valid reasons for not being involved in her mother's care, or her in-laws' care (not living nearby, having small children of her own, working full time, etc.), but I can't for the life of me imagine her having the tiniest amount of patience to do it. I saw her become so angry and rude to her mother, when most people would be worried instead.
Anyway, neither side of my grandparents had any money. My parents were able to make a good living, saved well, and now my mother is in a good place financially. Her mother and her sister both had/have dementia. Her mother probably died at around age 89 (probably had dementia for 12 years or more?). Her sister seemed to do relatively well until she was in her late 80's, then dementia appeared. In early February, we were told by hospice that she had about a week left. Two weeks later, she turned 92. And she's still going. I find it very sad, and rather morally twisted that we think this is somehow acceptable.
My dad was in his second marriage. He did not have to care for either parent for both of them has been long dead.
When my parents were my age, I was a pre-schooler.
They worked their jobs. We went on a summer vacation to Myrtle Beach. Sometimes we drove to the mountains for the weekend.
My maternal grandparents were doing just fine. My paternal grandfather was also doing just fine. Both sets of grandparents still lived in their respective farm houses and drove their cars & trucks around to do whatever they wanted.
When the grandparents eventually fell ill, my mother's sister did the caregiving in both cases. My mother was too selfish and pre-occupied to be bothered. When my dad's father had a stroke, he stayed in our home for a very short period of time. And I mean short. My mother was not having an invalid on her hands. I don't know what happened between him leaving our home, and being able to go back to his home. I guess he must have stayed in a nursing home or something until he was better.
Now, my mother expects me to drop my life and wait on her, but I have not. I must still work and tend to my marriage and children. Neither one of us get along with the other, so setting us up in a caregiving situation would be toxic to all concerned. She is in a very nice memory care unit where very patient people tend to her needs and care. And probably will have to for time immemorial. If anybody is going to live to be 150, it's going to be her.
My mother at my age was traveling around in a series of RVs with her dog and her friends. She would stop in to visit some of her kids on her trips up and down the coast. As a guest, she was the type who expected to be waited on hand and foot and who never chipped in for a meal or lifted a dishcloth. That was definitely an omen of things to come, although I didn't recognize it at the time. I looked forward to traveling and leisure in my own retirement, as she well knows, but I guess she thinks that taking care of her is such a blessing that it's worth sacrificing all my other goals and plans.
My parents never took care of their own parents because their parents lived many States away, plus my parents siblings, a ton of nieces and nephews lived in the same area as my parents' parents so they were all hands-on.
All the elders lived at home on their own. Thus, all my parents siblings did the same thing. Therefore I have cousins who never got to enjoy their own retirement, even thought their parents did, because they were trying to maintain two households.... one cousin, in his 70's, gave up and sold his house, he and his wife moved into a retirement village while his Mom and Mom-in-law stayed firmly planted in their own individual single family homes on big lots, he couldn't keep up with 3 single family homes. His Mom passed on at 100... Mom-in-law is alive and also 100.