background - I’m an introverted only child, i need my own space even from family, I am 33, I am married but do not have children yet. I moved out when I was 18.
I have always found my mother a bit suffocating, as she was a single parent, we were always together, I think she also relies on me for everything and seeks my company a lot. She texts me every few hours and calls me every night. She gets upset if I take time to respond even if I’m busy at work. She always wants me help for things like her car, her home etc. she wants me to make decisions for her
My 70 year old mother’s house had a fire and it needs to be rebuilt. She may be out of her house for 6 months. The night of the fire, I brought her to my apartment to stay. Her home insurance kept finding her places to stay but she kept refusing them, saying they were in dangerous areas (fair for some of them) or she just didn’t like them. She would have a sad look on her face and would ask me if *I* want her to stay there instead.
I left it after some time because the insurance said it would only be a short term stay until they started fixing the house. So she would need to move every week. After they started officially fixing the house they could find her somewhere longer to stay.
It’s been four weeks, the insurance hasn’t started fixing the house yet.
I don’t know why but I am finding it really overwhelming to have my mother here all the time. She wants to eat together, cook together, snack together, gets upset if I don’t want a snack with her. She doesn’t cause much issue in the apartment, but I feel like I don’t get space. She seems upset if I come home stressed from work.
my husband doesn’t see the issue as she isn’t a nuisance MIL. she suffocates me but respects his space. He thinks I’m being rude and disrespectful
I also have to deal with the outcome of the fire because my mother keeps saying she’s elderly and doesn’t know what to say to the insurance.
I feel overwhelmed. I am working full time and also dealing with the insurance which is stressful. Usually she is really independent I am surprised that she has stayed in my apartment so long, usually she would not want to bother me or my husband.
I feel that she is enjoying living with me again and so does not want to leave. I worry she will be here for 6 or more months or never leave, I can’t do it.
I feel bad because she’s not a rude or mean mother like some of the posts I read here. She’s just too much. She’s too attached to me, I want to be set free . I was trying to establish more independence and then the fire happened I feel like it put me 10000 steps back
Second...Give your mother a deadline. Say May 15th. She needs to inform the insurance company that she needs to find long term housing by then.
If they are dragging their heels you can file a complaint with the State office that oversees Insurance.
BOUNDARIES....you need to establish them and stick to them.
The insurance company is in no rush because it is not costing them anything to let things languish as they are.
And your husband isn't supportive.
In all honesty as you made your home her home there is little to say about the corner you're painted in other than that you were the one who did the painting.
It honestly doesn't matter a fig WHAT your husband thinks. He can tell you his opinions of your choices ONCE and then should shut up.
Time to be honest with your mother that this isn't working for you.
Or not.
You are a grown up and are going to have to make your own choices, state them, and see that they are RESPECTED. Or not.
Really, this is up to you.
See a counselor if you need to.
OR make a time limit. Perhaps that 6 months. Tell Mom you are not enjoying living with your mother as an adult but that given the catastrophic circumstances you will do this for 6 months. But that at the end of that time she will need to have other plans, whatever they are.
Set your boundaries NOW, and give Mom a deadline.
As an adult, you can change your mind, and thus, your plan.
She may be upset. That’s okay. She’ll get over it, in time.
You can do this!
Good luck!
That's how this situation is handled.
Some husband's refuse to see the grief their wives are being subjected to by their mothers, forcing the wives to question themselves and whether their reaction to the suffocating behavior is "selfish"? That's known as gaslighting by the husband....trying to make YOU question your own sanity rather than HIM making the effort to see the REAL woman behind the sweet MIL mask she wears for him.
Hell, I'd say get rid of both of them but we're supposed to give sound advice here 😊
Give mother a firm deadline to be OUT of your home and placed by the insurance company she's paid TONS of premiums to for all these years. They can drag their heels here and cause the renovations to take a year or more. Don't think they won't, either. With supply chain issues bring what they are, how long do YOU want mother dear up in your space sharing snacks together, like bffs? Next thing you know, she'll want sleepovers and dh to sleep in the spare room. I had a mother like this and only VERY FIRM BOUNDARIES work.
Rather than agree to set yourself back 1,000,000 steps, for your own sake, get mom into her own place SOON. You'll regret it otherwise. So will dh. But by the time he realizes it, it'll be too late.
So that means mother has to leave. She cannot stay until her house is rebuilt. Options:
1) She goes back to the insurance company, tries again for their accommodation offer, and MUST choose one of them.
2) She goes to a hotel, takes out a loan if necessary, and pays the bill when the insurance company pays out. Or possibly not, if the pay-out goes into the rebuild, unless she can take cash and forget the rebuild.
3) She forgets about the rebuild, and finds other accommodation. That may be best, as it can be an IL option that would be better for the next decade or so.
At 70, she should be able to organise this herself. If not she gives you the power to do it, on the basis that she MUST accept your choices. Or alternatively, DH does it, on the same basis.
DH is slightly off his rocker. At present, he is set up for 5 years with MIL, a VERY unhappy wife, and divorce on the horizon. Frankly, if he can't see the problem, I'd leave for a long holiday.
Your comment regarding DH.. "a VERY unhappy wife" Hmm.
The OP's comment of "I do not have children yet". Hmm.
Children are in the near future plans? Are.. or *were*?
Unhappy wife = a delayed children plan.
There could be a LOT at stake here.
I’m relating all this because mom may not be sharp enough to do it. It took all of our energy for husband and me for a year and a half. That might be you and your husband.
Do not allow her to get too comfortable. Make sure she understands that staying with you is just tempory. Me, I have a small kitchen and no one, not even the cat, is allowed it when I am cooking. You need to make Mom understand that you need time to yourself. Be honest, she suffocates you. You just can't be with her constantly. If she wants u to snack with her just nicely say, sorry Mom I do not need a snack and I am comfortable where I am or I am busy now.
At 70 Mom is not elderly. She should have friends and activities. If she doesn't, thats her problem not yours.
Get out as much asvu can. When she says she wants to go just nicely say not this time Mom. Take a walk.
I would contact the insurance commission and ask for help in determining what her policy limits are and how she can collect against her policy without being dictated to.
She will probably have to be reimbursed for the living accommodations, that's how our policy works. We paid, then at the end of the month we received a check to cover the credit card bill.
I would not just accept her setting up house and making you miserable so she doesn't have to do something she doesn't want to, who does that to others?
Just an FYI, my mom threatened to kill herself because I needed to get away from the air she was breathing. Yep, I told to to eff off and walked out. She was good at going to very damaging lows to manipulate and it sounds like you have a mom that ranks just as low. Good luck getting out of the trench.
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