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I forgot to add one more thing....if it seems that your husband's demeanor completely changed in the last 4 months - since you both moved, then it sounds like that's more than likely a reason. If you haven't been direct with him on it, I think now is the time to be....and ask him all the questions...is he happy being in the new location?....is he happy that he moved?....is he having a hard time adjusting or creating a new schedule?...is there anything he misses re: the former home/location?...why is he angry all the time?...and give him examples.
Maybe he's feeling out of sorts in a new place/new city...but it's important not to accept his new angry personality and get to the heart of things now in a candid, caring conversation so he doesn't get used to treating you as such and it becomes all too familiar.
Well, since this is a new environment that you both moved to, maybe it's the adjustment of a new place, new people, finding a new schedule, etc - I think sometimes, some men aren't the easiest with any types of change. Were you more interested in moving than he was? Did you ask him if he's happy living there now? And if you are newly retired, are both of you spending more time together than previously?
Hopefully, he'll eventually adjust...and if there's any chance you can find social activities for the of you and also meeting other couples to go out with, maybe that can help the process. If he continues to be difficult to live with, you shouldn't have to be made unhappy like that....and perhaps it's time to be more assertive and suggest couples therapy - if he can't be kind to you. Wishing you all the best :-)
You say in your profile that your husband has Alzheimer's/dementia along with Parkinson's, so I can only guess that he is angry about all the changes he is experiencing that he is more than well aware of. I'm going to guess that you would probably be angry as well if you were going through what he is. I probably would be too, so perhaps it's time to talk to his Dr. to see if there are any medications that might help with his anger and meanness. People with Alzheimer's/dementia do tend to mirror our moods as well, so try your best to stay calm and as positive as possible. And make sure that you're getting away to do things for yourself, as your self care is just as important as his care. And please call 911 if you ever feel that you are in any kind of physical danger.
Thanks for your reply. So to clear up a few things. My husband has not been diagnosed with a thing. He is 100% physically heathly. I just suspect a few things. I pray I am wrong. He has become angry and hard to be around since we retired to Paradise 4 months ago.. Beautiful Navarre Beach. He has always been set in his ways, but always understood and respected basic boundaries. He is a good man. I have tried to converse with him about his behavior change, but he refuses to accept that he is in any wrong. My brother came to visit last week and on the 5th day he verbally attached my brother. Something he would have never done before. Similair to the way he treats me now. Super embarassing. Perhaps, things will go back to normal once he fully adjusts to our new life? He had been retired for 5 years in DE. I was a workaholic, super busy with my career. I retired early to be with him (I'm 58) four months ago, to enjoy some golden years with him while we still can. It is unfathomable to me that he can be so miserable in such a perfectly lovely environment? Point of referernce, we have been married 33 years and have always loved the beach and eachother. I'm stumped.
Of all the forms of dementia it seems that Parkinson's has a greater predominance of anger, violence than other types of dementia. Is his doctor aware of this? And has this increased recently? If it is a recent increase and there are other things that you have noticed you could have him checked for a UTI. But this can be an indication of a decline. PLEASE be aware that this is NOT your fault, it is the disease. Also PLEASE keep yourself safe. If at anytime he becomes violent you MUST leave the room and you should call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are being threatened. Let them know that the person threatening you has dementia and you request that they transport him to the hospital. If you do not feel that you can care for him safely and this is YOUR safety you need to talk to the Social Worker and tell them that he can not be discharged to home as it is not safe. Please keep in mind that if he harms YOU who will care for you and for him while you recover, if you recover. (a friend of mine awoke with her husbands one hand wrapped around her neck and a knife in his other hand ready to stab her. She is also permanently disabled after he threw her against a wall. This is not something that you want to ignore.) Please stay safe.
Thanks for your reply. So to clear up a few things. My husband has not been diagnosed with a thing. He is 100% physically heathly. I just suspect a few things. I pray I am wrong. He has become angry and hard to be around since we retired to Paradise 4 months ago.. Beautiful Navarre Beach. He has always been set in his ways, but always understood and respected basic boundaries. He is a good man. I have tried to converse with him about his behavior change, but he refuses to accept that he is in any wrong. My brother came to visit last week and on the 5th day he verbally attached my brother. Something he would have never done before. Similair to the way he treats me now. Super embarassing. Perhaps, things will go back to normal once he fully adjusts to our new life? He had been retired for 5 years in DE. I was a workaholic, super busy with my career. I retired early to be with him (I'm 58) four months ago, to enjoy some golden years with him while we still can. It is unfathomable to me that he can be so miserable in such a perfectly lovely environment? Point of referernce, we have been married 33 years and have always loved the beach and eachother. I'm stumped.
Has he always been this way? If it is a personality shift, I would question if he is in pain or discomfort but can’t vocalize it? Possible UTI, constipation, or head trauma can be signs for sudden personality changes.
I don’t know how cognizant he is, or if even his can discern what is wrong. If not, best to bring it up with his doctor and give as much information as possible (record logs of when it started, and the behaviors you have seen since the changes began).
In the meantime, remember to take care of yourself. There are lots of changes that can happen to a person. If these behaviors are not usual for him, try not to take them personally.
Thanks for your reply. So to clear up a few things. My husband has not been diagnosed with a thing. He is 100% physically heathly. I just suspect a few things. I pray I am wrong. He has become angry and hard to be around since we retired to Paradise 4 months ago.. Beautiful Navarre Beach. He has always been set in his ways, but always understood and respected basic boundaries. He is a good man. I have tried to converse with him about his behavior change, but he refuses to accept that he is in any wrong. My brother came to visit last week and on the 5th day he verbally attached my brother. Something he would have never done before. Similair to the way he treats me now. Super embarassing. Perhaps, things will go back to normal once he fully adjusts to our new life? He had been retired for 5 years in DE. I was a workaholic, super busy with my career. I retired early to be with him (I'm 58) four months ago, to enjoy some golden years with him while we still can. It is unfathomable to me that he can be so miserable in such a perfectly lovely environment? Point of referernce, we have been married 33 years and have always loved the beach and eachother. I'm stumped.
That's really hard to deal with. No one wants to be subjected to someone who's mean and angry all the time...it just deplete's a person's spirit to be around that. But, more information would help in order to make any suggestions...such as, has his personality changed ....was he always mean and angry...is he nicer to other people ....have you communicated this to him regarding how he seems...has anything in his life changed to bring this on...???
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Maybe he's feeling out of sorts in a new place/new city...but it's important not to accept his new angry personality and get to the heart of things now in a candid, caring conversation so he doesn't get used to treating you as such and it becomes all too familiar.
Well, since this is a new environment that you both moved to, maybe it's the adjustment of a new place, new people, finding a new schedule, etc - I think sometimes, some men aren't the easiest with any types of change. Were you more interested in moving than he was? Did you ask him if he's happy living there now? And if you are newly retired, are both of you spending more time together than previously?
Hopefully, he'll eventually adjust...and if there's any chance you can find social activities for the of you and also meeting other couples to go out with, maybe that can help the process. If he continues to be difficult to live with, you shouldn't have to be made unhappy like that....and perhaps it's time to be more assertive and suggest couples therapy - if he can't be kind to you.
Wishing you all the best :-)
People with Alzheimer's/dementia do tend to mirror our moods as well, so try your best to stay calm and as positive as possible. And make sure that you're getting away to do things for yourself, as your self care is just as important as his care.
And please call 911 if you ever feel that you are in any kind of physical danger.
Is his doctor aware of this? And has this increased recently?
If it is a recent increase and there are other things that you have noticed you could have him checked for a UTI.
But this can be an indication of a decline.
PLEASE be aware that this is NOT your fault, it is the disease.
Also PLEASE keep yourself safe.
If at anytime he becomes violent you MUST leave the room and you should call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are being threatened. Let them know that the person threatening you has dementia and you request that they transport him to the hospital.
If you do not feel that you can care for him safely and this is YOUR safety you need to talk to the Social Worker and tell them that he can not be discharged to home as it is not safe.
Please keep in mind that if he harms YOU who will care for you and for him while you recover, if you recover.
(a friend of mine awoke with her husbands one hand wrapped around her neck and a knife in his other hand ready to stab her. She is also permanently disabled after he threw her against a wall. This is not something that you want to ignore.)
Please stay safe.
His illnesses will only get worse and quite frankly, he doesn't get to use you as his doormat or scratching post unless you allow it.
You don't deserve to be mistreated because he is sick.
You matter too!
I don’t know how cognizant he is, or if even his can discern what is wrong. If not, best to bring it up with his doctor and give as much information as possible (record logs of when it started, and the behaviors you have seen since the changes began).
In the meantime, remember to take care of yourself. There are lots of changes that can happen to a person. If these behaviors are not usual for him, try not to take them personally.