Hello
My mom is 94 years old and has been diagnosed with Dementia. I started taking care of her around 2012 and had the foresight to arrange a Durable Power of Attorney when she was lucid and capable of making sound decisions. As this terrible disease progresses it has caused my mom to behave irrational, suspicious, and many times very angry. I've arranged and managed all her health, financial, and household needs for years without any problem. She is constantly complaining of the littlest thing and says her life is awful. I've gotten her Medicaid which pays for an in-home aide to come to the house five days a week for 7 hours. We have gone through 15 of these home aides due to the abusive treatment my mom gives them. No one should take this kind of abuse, so they always wind up leaving. My mom just makes everyone around her miserable. Lately she has begun to focus her negative thoughts on me. She will tell anyone that comes to the house how I am mistreating her and that she needs help. She has called the Police no less than 8 times (using 911) and when they arrived, they were able to quickly determine that she was not making sense as she wanted me arrested for putting too much salt on her food. I know my mom is ill and that the lapse in her memory is causing her to fill in the gaps with these fantastic stories that seem to always blame me for whatever is going on in her head. It is very difficult to hear her say these hurtful things especially when she also tells them to other people. It is getting more and more difficult to let the things she says roll off my back. How much longer can I ignore her statements of, "I should have never had you" or "You're just as worthless as your father". I am also a gay man, and she has no problem calling me the Q word or the F word. Her ultimate suspicion is that I am making plans to put her in a home. I have made no such plans, but I am starting to believe that I need help otherwise I will lose my mind. I have literally not had a life in over 7 years, and she fails to realize the sacrifices I am making to take care of her. Lately she has been threatening to go to our attorney to remove me from the Durable Power of Attorney and to kick me out of the house of which I help pay for. So far, she has not asked me to take her to our attorney, but I have no doubt that she will want to eventually. Perhaps I am not the best person to take care of her anymore, but there is no one else. We do have a few relatives but due to her very abrasive personality she was estranged from them long ago. Is there some kind of service who will evaluate my mom and help me determine how to care for her? The current situation is not sustainable, and I need to reach out for some support to keep my mom healthy and save my sanity. Thanks to all who respond.
Is there a reason why residential care isn’t being considered?
If you haven’t had a formal diagnosis performed, it’s time. Google “geriatric cognitive/affective assessment”. Psychologists, psychiatrists, some social workers, and neurologists can do this.
You are doing JUST FINE. Be sure you’re taking good care of yourself. You’re important too.
You have got to place Mom. She has progressed to the point where you alone cannot take care of her anymore. It’s not safe for you or for her. If the money isn’t there, get her on Medicaid.
You need to keep her away from the phone. All these unnecessary calls can result in a big fine or even jail time. Someone could be having a heart attack and don’t get help because EMS had to listen to Mom complaining her food was too salty! Summoning cops or an ambulance when it’s not needed is risking the life of someone who truly needs it.
If she wants to call someone, dial the phone for her and don’t let her out of your sight while she has it.
I’m sorry that this stuff happens. It’s difficult getting emotionally beat up even though you know it’s her illness. You may consider seeing a therapist, to get you through it.
if your mom insist on an attorney, tell her you will make an appointment. Don’t follow thru., or tell her they can’t see her till next month, then the appointment was cancelled etc…
if your mom isn’t diagnosed , get it done, and I would have her incapacitated. Call her Dr nurse ahead of time to inform them of the need. It takes 2 dr to sign off..
If so an attorney will not have her sign any legal documents.
Even without a written diagnosis after a private talk with her there is a very good possibility that they will determine that she is not of sound mind and will not allow her to sign legal documents.
Have you talk to her doctor about the agitation? There are medications that can help with that.
When you get or request Home Health Aides ask for ones that have been trained in Dementia.
You need to accept the possibility that your mom's care may get to the point where it is beyond what you can SAFELY handle at home and you may have to place her in Memory Care.