My mom is 66 and recently (about 6 months ago) broke her hip due to a fall. She had a hip replacement, fell again, had to have a second surgery to correct. She physically is moving along just fine from the surgery, but mentally she is suffering.
I apologize if this post doesn't flow right, trying to include as much info as possible.
I convinced her to talk to a (mental) therapist. She has weekly telehealth sessions, though I am not seeing any improvement in her depression. I personally don't have much experience with mental health/therapy so I don't know what I should expect.
She has been depressed for years, prior to the broken hip. Her physical/mental decline started about 15 years ago, and she has just gotten steadily worse. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and went out of work on disability in her early 50s (can't remember the exact age). She had always refused anti-depressants and therapy, so there was not much I could do to help her mentally. My dad and I had discussed Baker Act-ing her before (we live in FL), but ultimately never went through with it. She has never been a harm to others, but she would talk suicide frequently and now daily says she wants to die.
My dad and mom are still married, but I know my dad has stayed in the marriage to take care of her because he knew if he didn't that it would become my responsibility and he didn't want to do that to me. Their marriage is name only at this point - my dad is her caretaker and that's really the only relationship they have. My dad still works and can retire but hasn't because he doesn't want to be around her all day every day.
She has syncope due to chronic low blood pressure. She stopped driving years ago because of that, so my dad has basically been her chauffeur for years.
My mom and dad would go to their community pool for exercise almost daily, and my mom had some friends there that she socialized with. She was cleared to go back to the pool several weeks ago but refuses to go. Several of her pool friends have wanted to visit but she told them she was "in too much pain". While I'm sure she is in pain, I know she is isolating herself due to depression.
She is not completely dependent. She can bathe, use bathroom, and cook for herself. She does her own laundry sometimes, but just clothes. But she cannot (or will not) clean (my dad does that, even her bathroom). She has gotten so weak over the years that she can't lift very many things anymore. It's gotten so bad that she uses plastic utensils instead of metal because the metal is "too heavy". I tried to tell her that she has to lift the heavy things or she's going to lose all her muscle mass.
What's sad is that she used to be super fit. She basically did a triathlon every day (run, bike, swim). She used to lift weights too - I remember her challenging my brother's friends to arm wrestling matches.
Right now she is the worst she's ever been mentally. We are seriously considering transitioning her to an ALF. My dad wants to live the rest of his life in peace, and I do not want to take on the responsibility of someone who has repeatedly refused help and refuses to take care of herself.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for here... Maybe some advice? Has anyone experienced something similar and with a relatively "young" parent?
I am so thankful people did not give up on me. Reconsider Baker-acting her if she threatens suicide. Being in a psych hospital would give her the chance to get meds right. Yes, she might hate you and your Dad for doing it, but what if it helps?
You won't know until you try. In her current depressed state, it is unlikely for her to heal from her physical problems.
My mom has "tried" them before and either miraculously had every side effect (according to her) or she stopped taking them when they started working and she thought she could do it on her own without them.
I'm glad you got the help you needed and are able to living a fulfilling life. It just makes me incredibly sad to see how she is, knowing the woman she used to be. I accept she may never get back to who she was before, but some semblance of a new normal would be great. I think of it like the Japanese Kintsugi - once broken but repaired and whole.
I would HATE that either of my daughters would be doing the heavy lifting of decision making.
This is too much to take on. The decision needs to be in your Dad’s hands alone.
Please hear me. You are too young to take on this weight.
Counseling or a group like Al-Anon would help you to figure out what is yours to take on, and what isn’t.
Maybe you have a husband children of your own. Maybe a career. THOSE are the things that you are responsible for.
Let this decision go.
I wish you every blessing. I’m sorry for what’s happening with your Mom.
With AL she will get some assignments with ADLs and the same amount of housekeeping, laundry and meals. The plastic warehouse is concerning because both will not provide feeding.
As far as syncope, someone will be calling family with each incidence. The grey area will be if they just call family or call 911. The frequency might trigger a notice to move her to a higher level.
It is best that you visit each type. The marketing person will ask you about those issues. Before you get the tour so as not to waste your time, ask those questions up front.
Maybe an involuntary hospitalization will help your mom will get a lot straightened out for her. Maybe IL for her will be a godsend for them both. It’s also possible that each will help only somewhat or not much. And it’s a lot on you. If you go through with either or both, and the results are less than what you had hoped, will you then feel responsible/ guilty for intervening? Like “I convinced them to do XYZ and they are no happier but there is now no going back. It’s my fault it didn’t work.” I have found myself in this mental place at times. Or will you feel peace and “I did everything I reasonably could. I am not responsible for her situation or his choices.” It’s hard!
Good Luck and best wishes!!
i dont think you mentioned any siblings. I agree that your dad needs to be completely on board with any plans but you can do the research and suggestions and help him implement.
I really do think a retirement home (whether IL or AL) would be best for her. She used to be a very social person, so I think having that community will really help. There are several in the area and one is directly across the street from the park she loves going to, so I'm leaning towards that one.
I have two brothers. My older brother isn't much help and the "help" he gives, you wish you didn't even ask in the first place. My younger brother is helpful, but he's not much of a "take charge" person. He's always very emotionally supportive; he would bring her to church every Sunday and bring her to other church events. But she refuses to go now - she says being in the car hurts too much.
Your Mother retired from paid work very early, has chosen what ADLs to keep, which to discard. Has refused medication treatment options for mood/mental health but is partaking in therapy sessions - which is positive.
Your Father has his own reasons, values to stay in his marriage & become her carer. It's wise to see it that way. He choose, still chooses.
It is very hard to insist someone seek treatment if they do not see the need or do not wish to. I have seen this firsthand in my family.
I think the danger here (especially for an empathetic daughter) is taking on responsibility that is not yours. Yes it is family, but there are still boundaries.
If Father wants Mother to move into AL, HE needs to make that happen. Not be a victim & shirk that into his daughter.
Similarily, a daughter can resist the urge to swoop in to be his Rescuer.
A councellor with a good understanding of mental health, like an Al-Anon but for mental health may be able to talk through these issues with you. Be a professional & make more sense than my layman scribblings!!
I absolutely agree with Beatty here that your mother is undiagnosed.
She has mental, and perhaps physical issues that need diagnosis and treatment.
She has gone from a normal active working lifestyle to almost total dependency and unhappiness--indeed she is barely functioning mentally and physically.
This, severe as it is in a relatively young person, requires the intervention of medical assessment and mental health workup.
There would be nothing a world wide Forum of untrained strangers, who haven't met your family could do but guess at the cause of this profound change.
It's time to get your mother the mental and physical evaluation she needs. She requires a complete physical and mental workup, including brain scans.
I would consult with an attorney to find out what can be done in your state to get this done.
I would also call adult protective services for a wellness visit and options.
Your Mom has refused help. It's time to decide whether at least assessment of some kind can be required of her and accomplished with or without her permission.
I will suggest a book to you called Never Simple. It's a memoir by Liz Scheier about there mother's mental illness which she had lifelong, and about Ms. S. who in her adult lifetime over many decades sought to help her mother. She had the help of the social services of the city and state of New York. ALL TO NO AVAIL.
The mother was often homeless. She lived long. She never recovered in any way. I tell you this to warn you that not everything can be fixed. And to tell you that at least in Ms. Scheier's Mom's case there WAS somewhat a diagnosis of mental illness. In your own mom's case we do not know but that something physical (early onset dementia? thyroid illness? brain tumor?) is being missed, the discovery of which could include cure.
Please seek help to get your mother into diagnosis, no matter WHAT DIRE STEPS need be done to accomplish this. No one here could conceivably has a CLUE as to what is happening with her.
Do know that you may not be able to get her into help and may be unable to get conservatorship to help her. The law considers mental illness to be a "right" at this time in many cases, even when a person is too ill to care for themselves. While dementia can get guardianship, mental illness often cannot, sad as that is; this is a warning that not everything can be fixed. This is the reason our streets are full of abandoned, mentally ill people. Family members cannot help them, cannot live with them, and eventually move on to leave them abandoned. I think it's a national tragedy.
Anyways, long story short, I started seeing a therapist who specialized in PTSD after seeing many counselors for depression only; and it turned out to be the best thing ever for me. After a year of therapy, I felt ready to venture out on my own as an independent woman. I just moved into an independent senior apt a month ago and I love it! I'm trying to meet my neighbors, but right now, it's been a little difficult because I work remotely from home all day. But I do meet people and they are just so nice and friendly. I have never lived alone in my life so this is a big improvement on my condition. I also have osteoarthritis, need knee replacements, about to have cataract surgery, and I have a cane and walker for when my arthritis is pretty hard to handle. I don't use pain killers but the antidepressant I use is also used on people with fibromyalgia, so it helps with the pain.
My children call or check on me once in a while and it feels good to know they care enough to do so. I hope my story will help you make the decisions you need to make. I agree with everyone else that it should not have to be your responsibility (even though it's my ancestors' belief) because you have your own life and situations to deal with. I understand that of my own kids. Don't feel guilty or feel that it's your responsibility. If you dad stays with her because he wants to care for her, I'm sure he still loves her enough to do so. Just be there for her, visit her, and listen to her with judgment. Good luck with your dear mother.
But anyway, I just posted an update. She is doing very well right now, but I will certainly look into a therapist specializing in PTSD. She has even said that the fall was a traumatic event for her.
Sadly most doctors don't share that with their patients until they start exhibiting dementia symptoms and wonder why.
I'm glad she has found medication that helps her depression as well.
Now go and live and enjoy your life. Your mom is a young woman and has a lot of years ahead of her.