Where to begin....
Well I live 2,000 miles away from my entire family. I recently married the love of my life and we are living with his mother. The past year I've turned into her slave. She's 61 but she's not well. Shortest explanation is that she's been smoking for 45 years. She can walk, eat, bath, drive etc...but somehow I've turned into her maid and servant for everything. Im exhausted because I also work full time. If I forget something at the store she'll hold it against me for weeks. She hardly looks at me or talks to me. She's very moody. Anyways I mentioned last week that we wanted our own place (as newlyweds) and she started crying, faked a stroke for about 20 minutes, called me a liar, said she couldn't trust us anymore. Guilted her son into believing she could die anyday. Basically she thinks she is going to live with us forever and quote "help raise your children" she believes if we move out I am taking her son away.I feel such a burden on my shoulders. I don't know what to do because financially she would struggle without us.
Lots of people go out with N-95 masks on, at least when its not flu season, unless they are actually neutropenic - what do her doctors actually advise regarding her being a shut-in versus able to get out a little for anything? Is there anything else she could be doing she might enjoy (bearing in mind that a really severely anxious or depressed person will tend to refuse everything, just because there is not enough pleasure in anything to make effort or overcoming obstacles seem remotely worthwhile.)
Good heavens, your MIL is still quite young at 61, and quite able to care for herself. She is still capable of working part-time. Lot of seniors a decade older than her are still in the work force. She needs to put her big girl pants on and fend for herself. She need stop being the master of excuses.
Since she said she can no longer trust you or your husband, right there is the key to open her front door and leave.
Should be kind of interesting, actually. How he sets boundaries with a mom he loves is probably pretty close to how he'll set them with his children. And the comparison is more accurate than you might think. ;)
She's a brat.
Giving in to those kind of expressions of neediness too directly is a good way to create a real monster. She may be scared and wanting reassurance - so give her what you can in terms of making sure she has help and care she needs, with realistic limits - i.e. it's just she can't have ALL of your time and energy...show her you can be counted on to do what's really needed instead. Easier said than done especially for her son, as she raised him and knows right where his buttons are to push on them.
Even if she's got bad COPD and needs oxygen, there is such a thing as portable tanks - I think she needs to come out to the store with you at least sometimes and make sure you don't forget anything, otherwise quit griping :-)
Keep subsidizing her as you have been until you find your own place. Then move her to something nearby she can afford and look diligently into what help she may be entitled to in order to help pay her bills. Then stop subsidizing her.
In the meantime, speak up to the love of your life!! HE does the shopping. HE becomes the primary caregiver for his mom.
You are letting yourself be taken advantage of pure and simple. Stop it.
Big hug to you as im divorced and my ex MIL would have been the same! I know your torn between hubby and her but shes not your responsibility nip this in the bud now as it will get worse! Be her DIL not her slave!!