Am I experiencing depression or acceptance?

It is all exhausting after a great deal of time dealing with declining health. In my situation I tried for decades to have my mother be more healthy. She resisted and now at 88 she is slowly falling apart and I am emotionally exhausted dealing with all the fallout. At times I worry she will outlive me although I lead a healthy life but I have so much stress. I am amazed at the courage I see expressed here and wish I could tap into it someway.

It sounds to me that you are more accepting of the facts that the rest of the family are willing to admit to - it is a fine balance between dashing hopes in others & accepting reality -

Bottom line does your dad want to do the rehab & work for a recovery or is he either unable or not wanting to do the effort needed because if he is not willing to do 100% then it is a waste of time - at some point many say 'enough is enough' so ask him - if he can't talk much a thumb up or down would should be your answer - IF HE CAN'T TO THAT THEN HE WON'T BE ABLE TO FOLLOW REHAB & basically it would be counter- productive to force him into it

Keeping you in my prayers, Im1984 - you are accepting reality. I get no help from my sibs, but at least they're not delusional. They think I "overcare" Mom, so I am trying to nondefensively look at my caring. Tough to do with sibs giving advice, as part of what influences them is the fact that they don't want to have to take over care once I have to go back to the university at which I teach in the middle of Aug (11 hours away). They seem to think that if she gets used to being cared for as I care for her it puts more pressure on them. They have each been here for only 2 hours during the almost 6 weeks I have been here; I am the only one who is not local. I admire all that you have given to your LOs and, again, believe that you are being realistic (even if reality is depressing.....).

You are being realistic about your dad. He’ll take so much care, his stroke was very bad...that’s the end of life as their health gets worse and worse. Well done to you and hubby! It’s time for dad to get the extra help he needs from trained personnel.

I also agree with SueC1957 and many others. It sounds as though during the many years you and your husband were actively supporting your parents, you were in Acceptance. Now it sounds like Burn Out - due to emotional and, probably, physical fatigue. The doctor is the best (third-party) person to advise the family on what's best for your father; no doubt, the doctor will advocate for keeping your father where he is. I would talk to the doctor ahead of the conversation with the family so s/he is aware of how you and your husband feel. Since you have been the primary caregivers, the doctor will try to support you, as well as your father.

In order for you to truly relax, you need someone to take care of your mother (if there already isn't one).

And, finally -- the most important -- put your emotional and physical health first now. Balance your loving care for your parents with love for yourself and your husband. You deserve a healthy life and you also will be better able to give to others.

I am hoping you will feel better in the coming weeks. Know that there are many of us out there who are challenged with similar issues.

Dear One,
It sounds to me like you are in the beginning stages of grieving and acceptance of your parents end of life. Your heart, body and mind are telling you this. You seem very sad. Go with it. Seek grief support now so that when your parents die, you are able to cope better after the beautiful, intense closeness over the many years of caring for them. Grief support is not just for after a loved one dies. Having been their primary caregiver for so long, it is a shock to realize that you recognize this and now have to begin to let go. I suggest that you step back a bit, choose what you can and want to do and let others pick up the slack, if they are willing/able, so you can grieve and continue to be there for them and yourself. Now may be the time to talk to them more instead of doing more. Tell them how much you love and appreciate them, let your heart guide you. Much love.

Dear Im1984,

To answer your question. It sounds like you are experiencing both: burnout and acceptance. You are likely experiencing multiple feelings and emotions, hence the "rollercoaster." {We are with you.} Our society here in America is unprepared in handling care for our beloved seniors and parents, as well as our caregivers and ourselves. I wrote that last sentence purposefully to expose that we exist in dual and more likely multiple roles of consciousness. We care for ourselves and one another. It is overwhelming at times, and our bodies sometimes have natural "stops" that create our boundaries for us.

There is a great need for further research in the area of "Aging" and "Caregiving" from multiples aspects: physical - emotional and spiritual - Health-care. (mind, soul and body.) Our culture will develop a "Grief Culture" that will, like every industry, evolve. Meanwhile, we are the trailblazers.

Be gentle with yourself. Be loving, kind, patient.

I am going through much the same thing. I have taken care of mom for over 10 years. She fell and broke tail bone or pelvis. I was very upset for a week and then the calm set in. She is 98 and I can see the inevitable. Visit her all the time, she doesn't know me. Gods will be done.

When my mother was dying of cancer, she and dad lived "one day at a time." That is probably where you are; you might even be able to explain to other family members that this is what you have: one day at a time. Facing the probability that your dad won't be coming home might be easier if you don't worry about predicting the future: which also comes one day at a time. (of course there are things that need to be taken care of looking ahead, see to them but leave as many options open as you can.)

I can sure relate to how you are feeling in this situation. I recently had to have my husband of 57 yrs. admitted to a nursing home. He had fallen three or four times in a month, the last time hitting the back of his head hard on concrete. Thank God it did no damage and he has been on blood thinners for years. He has had type 2 diabetes for several years, two years ago was diagnosed with late onset Alzheimer's with vascular disease, and last month while in hospital, diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. I was his sole caregiver ,thinking I could care for him here at home, but with each fall, he was getting less and less able to walk and stand alone, even with a walker. I finally had to face the fact that if I was going to have any measure of health left, he needed to be in a facility where he could have 24 hour care. It was the VERY hardest thing that I have ever had to do, but very necessary because I finally realized I could not get by on 3 or less hours of sleep a night, and his constant needs or wants. Getting him ready to go to a doctor's appt., church or any place else was a major job, because even with rehab he had to have help dressing, bathing and toileting. Since he has 100% bladder incontinence, it requires changing several times a day. Do I like having him in the NH and begging me to bring him back home, NO, but our primary doctor told me if I had not done it, I would most likely be in the hospital due to my back problems, and shoulders would be shot from all the tugging and pulling and lifting him. I do visit him daily for a couple of hours and can enjoy them, knowing he is getting the care he needs by professionals and then I can come home and relax and sleep at night. I don't tell him ( at least not yet) that he won't be able to return home. When he asks when he can come home, I tell him that his doctor says he needs to get stronger and in better health and able to get around better with his walker. So we have to wait and see what the doctor says. He is in a wheel chair now because he is high risk for falls and still doesn't eat very much so is weak. I told the nurses to try and get him involved in their activities and to encourage him to eat in the dining room instead of his room. For the most part he just sits in his wheelchair and isn't interested in anything, but hopefully as he gets adjusted to the routines, that will change. My prayers go out to you and anyone else that is a caregiver to a loved one. It isn't a very pleasant job but you do it out of love.

While I agree with most of what the majority here are saying I do have a slightly different perspective. It sounds like much of your family has been involved to some degree, at least in particular during times of major medical crisis, with your mom and dads care. While they probably haven't had as much day to day involvement after the "crisis" when your parents settle back into life as you & your husband have been simply by virtue of the fact that you live next door, that says to me there are other family members who care, want to be involved & are just as attached emotionally. Your parents are very lucky to be loved so much. But we all have to come to the realization and then acceptance when people we love are nearing the end or are never going to be able to care for themselves again and we all have a different time frame and triggers for this realization. In many ways the closer you are to someone emotionally the harder this is but the more care-giving you do over a period of time the more intimately familiar you are with the facts. You can't force another persons enlightenment, if you will and you shouldn't expend your energy trying. You and your husband do the care-giving you do out of love, you get a personal benefit from what you do (which is not to say it isn't a hardship but not everything we get something positive from is always pleasant and easy) my guess is you wouldn't not do it or trade the times you have had for anything even if you might do it differently in hindsight. But you also can't fight or change your realization, your feelings for the other family members who aren't there yet any more than they can for you. What you can do is not be forced into something that doesn't feel right to you, you can express your feelings and position and if the others are smart and realistic they will recognize your unique understanding and follow your lead. If they choose not to make sure it's clear they are also choosing to take on more of the responsibility. You will of course help and do what you do but you can't take on more at this point and if you feel very clear on the fact that both getting and having him home again will require much more time and work then is already being put in and (at least as I'm sensing from you) you feel it isn't what will provide the best care for both your mom and dad at this point either then you need to stick to that but you don't need to fight others for it.

That said, it sounds like perhaps your dad has reached the point where he might qualify for Hospice care which could be at a facility or at home depending on what everyone (including Hospice personnel) decide. That might help you on several levels including being the nudge that helps at least some others come to the realization you have about your dads condition. It's hard to watch your loved ones suffer through the process of coming to terms with this just as it is watching your parents live it, just the emotional toll is exhausting so be good to yourself and to the loved ones around you by sticking to your instinct for yourself, don't do more than it tells you too and let them do the same knowing you aren't standing in the way of anyone else's needs or making decisions for them. No guilt, You can accept what you know and not try to fight it or help everyone else get their hopes up without fighting their need to rally and expend all of that physical and emotional energy it takes, working/living side by side with your mom and family members who have and haven't come to terms with it all yet. Hopefully one or more (probably not Mom) will come to the same realization soon so you don't feel so alone but give everyone the opportunity to do it in there own time. Not being in the same place about your fathers condition doesn't mean you can't still work together and be the same voice in his care. It only changes your perspective and input not your love or desire to what you can to care for him (and your mom). You go with what you believe is best and do what you can to accomplish that don't give time and effort you can't feel good about or get some return from, allow others to do that if they choose just don't let yourself get roped into it and let the rest go. The power to do the things we can and let go of the things we can't control...something like that. But don't second guess yourself, give yourself some love a caring too, loosing the parents you love is tough and that's what's you are dealing with just not as clear cut and simple as having them pass suddenly. Sometimes I wonder if passing from the heart problems or stroke is more humane than surviving them and then loosing them and for them loosing themselves, little by little.

Based on my own experience as a caregiver- I am not a professional mental health provider:

Sounds like burnout, probably combined with being realistic and sad.

It is sad (and sometimes depressing), when we begin to accept our parents' mortality. As a caregiver, we often feel like our help and care will determine the longevity of our parents' lives. We can only do as much as we can. Exerting too much emotional or physical energy detracts from our own lives and doesn't benefit anyone in the long run. It's a very difficult balance. It's ok to assess how you want to proceed and guilt is not a requirement! 😉

If you are burned out, it may be someone else's turn to be the "cheerleader" for a comeback. It's a blessing to have a support network, let someone else take the reigns on this recovery and process your feelings. It's a luxury that you owe yourself!

You are probably experiencing emotions that are new and difficult to process regarding your parents aging. It sounds like you have a good support network, talk to them about how you feel or just take care of yourself emotionally and allow others to help more.

If you feel like you are experiencing symptoms of depression- talk to your physician! Maybe you could benefit from counseling to sort out your emotions or an antidepressant...

Caregiving is very emotional, I'm still trying to gauge my own caregiving capabilities. I tend to go overboard and retreat, but I am the only caregiver for two parents, no network, no support. Everyone's situation is different, if others are stepping in to rally- it's not only ok, but probably a good thing to take a respite. It's not a vacation. It's a necessary part of caregiving. My respite did not come by choice. Still dealing with the repercussions... 😕🙏🏻❤️