My elderly parents are in their late 80s and live next door. They have had multiple health problems over the past few years. My mother has been through heart valve replacement surgery, is unable to drive, is on oxygen 24/7, and uses a walker. My father was her primary caregiver up until last year when he had a fall that resulted in a traumatic brain injury (TBI). After which, he was also unable to drive and showed signs of Dementia. Several weeks ago, my father had a significant stroke which left him wheelchair-bound and living in a skilled nursing facility. He is no longer able to communicate with us.
My husband and I have always been close with my parents and their go-to support for several years. We've stayed with them when they've been hospitalized, helped them find rehabilitation facilities after hospital stays, dealt with their Medicare and long term care insurance companies, helped them arrange for home healthcare providers, gone with them to doctor visits, and talked to more medical professionals than I care to count. We've shopped for them, cooked for them, done household chores and yard work for them, been their chauffeurs, been the ones they've called on when emergencies occur (one of them has fallen, their electricity has gone out, my Dad needs help finding something he's misplaced for the 100th time, etc.), and the list goes on. My husband and I were extremely involved in helping Mom and Dad after Dad's fall last year. We took several weeks off from work to stay with them 24/7 through Dad's hospital and rehab stays, and helped arrange in-home caregivers on his return home.
Since my Dad's stroke a few weeks ago, my Mom and family are trying to rally our support once again. They are hoping to get Dad "back on his feet and home", even though the neurologists gave him a grim prognosis. I've been on this rollercoaster for so long, that I'm not sure if I'm experiencing "burn-out" or if I've just come to accept that this is the end of Dad's life. Either way, I can not seem to muster the energy or enthusiasm to help any longer or hope for Dad's "recovery." Does anyone on this forum have any words of wisdom about how I can deal with this?
I don't know, but what you are definitely experiencing is a horrible time. However natural the process may be, awful things are happening to people you love and have cherished all your life, and you have reached the point where there is very little you can do to influence events. Aren't you allowed to feel wretched about it? Aren't you supposed to, even?
Whatever comforts you and your loved ones is fine. Perhaps this is a time to stop trying to understand the detail and instead just let yourself react naturally to what is going on around you. Coming to terms can wait until the storm has passed.
Respite after...if there is one. I cannot afford one as of today. I pray for you, what a wonderful daughter and only those 'closest' can feel as they leave us here. You shall see him one day again. Have faith. God Bless you for sharing. Caregiving.org is the national alliance and caregiver.com is my local chapter. Reach out and may God be with you.
((((hugs))))
You and your husband certainly have done more than your fair share. Just reading everything you've accomplished made me tired!
I'd call it burnout with seeing the situation for what it is thrown in.
Let's look at this realistically.
Your 80 something year old dad had a fall resulting in TBI which probably exacerbated the dementia. Now he had a stroke and is unable to walk or talk. His doctor says his prognosis is "grim". That means BAD. (I'm sorry.)
Your mom and family are in denial and being totally unrealistic. Getting him "back on his feet" isn't gonna happen. A large percentage of stroke victims never regain their mobility, sorry to say. He probably won't regain much speech either. (Strangely, stroke victims are sometimes able to say swear words.)
I would sit this one out. In fact, take a vacation or "visit your husbands' sick aunt a few states away" or rest your back from "a strain" for awhile. In other words, find a way to get out of bringing dad home. If nothing else, have his doctor meet with the family and explain his need to stay in the NH. They will accept it better from him.
You see the situation for what it is....an impossibility. It may take time for the others to come to this conclusion. Do NOT succumb to guilt. Moving him back home will "break" you. You owe your husband a healthy wife, now and in years to come.
I know you love your dad but leave his care to the professionals. Get a schedule worked out with your siblings as to who will drive mom to visit dad on different days.
You feel this way for a reason. You have accepted the situation for what it is. You'll be a smart woman listening to your feelings.
Good luck.
I know once I came to realize that my Mom was never going to get better I then sadly tried to just be with her in the moment. After all, when someone is in their late eighties, early nineties what would getting better look like? My Mom knew her time was coming and once I stopped fighting the process I actually just tried to enjoy her company cause I knew soon she would be gone.
It's a sad story for so many of us Im. Keep coming back here for support. But do take time for yourself. Stepping away for a breath of fresh air always helps change your perspective a bit.
I feel for you. You and your husband are to be commended. You have done so much for your parents and gone over and above in the process. Do you have any siblings that could share the work? I also think I understand the way you are feeling at the moment as I have periods also when I am not sure if I am depressed or experiencing burn out. Both my parents in their late 80’s suffer from late stages dementia of different sorts. Although I am retired I don’t feel that I have experienced retirement yet. I don’t know what the answer is except to try and have breaks away or holidays if that is possible. If you have other members in your family you must try and be firm and say you have done your bit and someone else needs to do their bit otherwise you will be ill.
I hope that helps you. I can’t think of any other solution to the problem. Best of luck.