Off we go again! How do I keep my sanity and stop resenting him?
Long story short, I spent 5½ years caring for my dad, who had frontotemporal dementia after a brain meningioma. I do not need to tell anyone here how tough that road is.
Now, unfortunately, it feels like I am back in the same race again. 😞
My husband had a stroke four years ago. There is a strong family history with two of his sisters having had severe strokes and are in assisted living with one declining quite rapidly, two of his brothers passing away from strokes and a heart attack. After my husband’s stroke, he could no longer hold a job. At the time, I was so consumed with caring for my dad that I did not recognize the signs in him.
Fast-forward to last year: I started noticing signs of cognitive decline. He insisted he was “cured” and stopped taking his medications. After many fights, I finally gave up trying to convince him. The warning signs were there, double-buying expensive items, losing things, forgetting conversations.
This year, things have clearly worsened. He still knows who I am and recognizes everyone, but his short-term memory has declined sharply. He does not see it himself, even though he has begun getting lost in unfamiliar places. The good news is, I finally got him to agree to see his doctor.
My question is: how do I keep my sanity and stop resenting him for something that might have been delayed if he had stayed on his meds? I am the “flight” type by nature, when things get overwhelming, my instinct is to run far away. Of course, I will not leave him. We have had so many wonderful years together, and he supported me through my dad’s illness. But I will be honest... I am not sure I was ready to face this battle again so soon.
Any advice or encouragement would be deeply appreciated. ❤️
When my late husband had his massive stroke at the age of 48, I remember his neurologist telling me then that my husbands chances of developing dementia down the road was now much higher and to perhaps be prepared. I heard him but because we both were so young I didn't give it much more thought then although it was always in the back of my mind.
Fast forward to about 18 years later and I started noticing little things just like you are in my husband forgetting how to use the microwave, use the remote to the TV, and even occasionally how get out of the shower.
It was about a year later that he was diagnosed with vascular dementia which is the most aggressive dementias of all with a life expectancy of just five years. He was diagnosed July 2018(though he had symptoms a good year or more before) and he died Sept. 2020.
Your husbands brain was damaged with the stroke and it sounds like that damage has now caused his dementia, and sadly there is yet no drug in the world that can stop it or prevent it.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this but I'm here to tell you that you're stronger than you know and when it's all said and done you'll come out of it even stringer, and have much more compassion and empathy towards others.
God bless you as you travel this difficult road with your husband.
Here's something to consider: IF he stayed on his meds and IF it actually delayed the progression of his decline, you'd be an older caregiver. I think it's safe to say that you have more energy (mental and physical) now than your future, older self. Yes, I'm trying to put lipstick on a pig here.
I'm so sorry that you both have to go through this. I personally get whatever strength I have from God. On the mornings I get up feeling that wave of anxiety wash over me I pray and then allow God to take over my burden. I literally shrug my shoulders, throw up my hands and say, "Oh well Lord, you're just gonna have to deal with it cuz I can't." I make a mental and spiritual transfer of the burden picturing myself literally handing it over. Then I go about my day the best I can.
May you receive the peace that transcends understanding.