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Thank you for your selfless care and I am glad you have time now to rediscover yourself. Just like retirement , it does take about a year to find a new rhythm of life but it is freedom to choose your own interests. Try some music or art . Go to museums or libraries , free concerts, evening classes .
give yourself time. Also you have a valuable knowledge of how to care which may be a gift to share by being a resource to verbally share your knowledge with other caretakers.
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saintseal: Perhaps you can take 'first things first' and get yourself in for a visit with your primary care physician. If warranted, it may be a good idea to speak with a counselor. Take small steps to get back to the YOU that you knew.
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SS, you can restart, I did it at 61. I was able to return to my profession after four years of 24/7 care for my mom and her hubby. How?

I looked in the state of my residence, where I was born and raised. I was not able to even get an interview. I applied to adjoining states and did get an interview and was hired. I had to be willing to think outside the box. I moved from a major metro area to a small town of 25,000 or so.

I spent a year there, I was not happy, and then was able to move back to my home state and was in my next position for five years. Now I am onto the next, just this year. I am hoping this will be the job i retire from. Each move got me closer to what I had lost before the caregiving.

There are so many jobs out there. You need to find the courage to be willing to go to a market that is not as competitive.

I did it, so can you. And you are ten years younger than I was.I

Contact your Work Force Center, they can provide all sorts of resources to help you. It is NOT a hopeless situation.
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This has taken over who you really are. Take one step at a time. Maybe look for a PART TIME job related to what you did before. If you ever had a hobby (gardening, art work, dog or cat person, cooking or baking, a love of history…you could join a historical society or a historical commission. Surely you were good at something. Whatever your interests used to be, you can reignite the passions you once had. Then, get on line like a neighborhood site to find people who love the same hobby. Join up with several people who formed a dog walking club etc. Just don’t make yourself sound vulnerable, helpless female, living alone, etc. You need to meet nice people; not scammers. Good luck with your new start up in life.
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Have you tried to reconnect with friends that have been lost or put on the back burner. Now is the time to see how much YOU have changed. Caregiving brings a whole new perspective to things.
Is there anything that you dreamed of doing before?
A class that you wanted to take?
A new career that you wanted to try?
A hobby that you wanted to restart, or begin?
Is there an organization that you feel strongly about that needs or wants Volunteers?
Does the Animal Shelter need dog walkers? A Foster home?
Find you first.
Start slowly and see how it goes.
Is there a trip that you have had in the back of your mind? Spain?...Italy? ..France?.. the Northwest of the USA?.. the Southwest? Alaska?.. Scotland? A Cruise? Start planning
I say all this but do not do anything "drastic or major" right away. This is like any of the Major life events that "they" say you should not make any changes. The top 5:
Death of a loved one.
Divorce
Moving
Major illness or injury
Job loss.
Any of these can lead to health problems, emotional problems. Talking to a Therapist is not out of the question.
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Wow..I wonder also how I will restart my life when my mom is gone. She is 89 I am 71. Even with my mom in an assisted living there is constant care needed. Facilities are not perfect.They are understaffed and can be lonely for older people. My thoughts for when my mom is gone is first a rest… a vacation …then I hope to get back to some light volunteer work as I was doing pre-mom needs. Then working on rebuilding friendships that had been somewhat neglected these past years. Sadly many friends did not understand the stress of caring for a loved parent and friendships became surfacy. No one wants to hear the bad stuff. Friends drop off. It is all consuming..we can not turn it off when you leave the facility after a long visit. I expect rebuilding my life will be tough. The GREAT news is you are young..you will have time for rebuilding a life. Prayer, a good church and counseling has helped me keep my head above water. Good luck…
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Wow. I dont have a suggestion for you, I actually share the same dilemma.

Im a 54 yr old single guy caring (doingveverything) full-time for my 84 yr old mom with late-stage Parkinson's and dementia. I get some (16 hrs per month) respite care through the county; another care giver comes m/w/f for 3 hrs day and I get 2 days off a month from family.

The time she will need to go into a facility is close and I feel exactly the same as you do. I guess the only help my story could bring you is to let you know that you are not alone.
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Don’t feel guilty. First work on that as it probably gets you down. You could not fix progression of disease, nobody can.
Self care is important, good nutrition and even 10-30 minutes gentle exercise, like walking.
And time, realize you don’t have to do anything right now, just enjoy freedom, when you ready or willing do plan A and B. A, what would you ideally do in your life? Plan B maybe more realistic? What did you enjoy before caregiving? Can you find any job even few hours, surely skills you had are not lost?
Change is not such a bad thing,
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We got my mother moved into care last year. I am a bit older than you are and have a husband plus kids, so I did not start over. Plus my mother was here, with us.

But I want to say that, once she was in care, even at the four month mark, I was still jumping every time the door she used opened. I was still waking in the night, certain I heard her calling my name. I still had moments of panic, like, if I wanted to accompany my kids to something, what would I do about my mother. I was still hyper-vigilant, glancing out my windows in case she went outside and started to wander away, or putting away dishwasher pods, etc, in case she started eating something that wasn’t edible. I don’t know if dementia made your mother nasty (as it did mine) but I was about a year, before I could relax, sleep through the night, and feel like myself again.

Caregiving takes a huge toll, physically and emotionally. If you have the means to coast longer, please take good care of yourself, until you feel you have the strength to move on.
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saintseal Sep 2022
Yes, I can relate to the hyper-vigilant! I am still unplugging the toaster and coffee pot. And double checking this and that. It sort of made me OCD. Keys are here. Put this away. Etcetera. Yes, there was definitely some really bad horrible nasty times but to be honest, she was a bit that way before dementia too. She was actually getting sort of more sweeter and frail. One thing I didn't say is that we started at one place that was horrible (they were 'forgetting' to do her laundry and showers. And wanted us to get an additional outside aide in to help at a huge additional cost and wanted us to get her with their in-house doctor and and medications) She had been on a waiting list at another place so when that opened moved her. So managing all that drama was horrible on top of everything. So really she has only been at the new place 3 months now. Anyway, thank you for your reply. :-)
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You are screwed because you are older and you have not had a job with an employer! You can try something in the health care field because that is your most relevant work experience. Or you can be bold and start your own business. Get out and start meeting people. It’s not what you know but who you know. Learn to enjoy life.
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Goodness. You need to look after yourself and process all that has gone on and is still happening. Give yourself a break! It sounds like you are burned out which isn't surprising. Please take time to work through your heavy emotions and recover somewhat from all the caregiving before you make any major decisions re moving. Be gentle with yourself. Do some things you couldn't do before even if it is just going out for a coffee or a walk in the park. You can build new friendship, but it won't be instant. Mum is being looked after in a facility and your sister is near so there should be much less for you to do. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Dealing with the house is a big job in itself. Is it urgent? or can you take some time to adjust? ((((((hugs))))) You will get through this.
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saintseal Sep 2022
Dealing with the house is a whole big separate issue for sure. Thank you for your kinds words of encouragement and your advice. :-)
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I’m in the same position! I had a business ( a tutoring business) that I had to cut down to “pocket money “ to care for my mom. She was living alone in her condo then we moved her to a truly bad assisted living. Moved her back to condo 2 days later. ( too long of a story to put here… and yes, we did our due diligence!) Found another assisted living 8 minutes from my house. I’m there a LOT. She begged me to live with me. Heart wrenching. I have autoimmune disease and can’t do it. Anyway, then began the clearing out of a 3 bedroom condo. OMG. We now have a contract on condo but found out my mom had somehow put the condo into some legal limbo ( again, too long to go into here).
I spend my days making sure mom is ok. Navigating the HELL that is her insurance, trying to untangle the condo.
PEOPLE DO NOT GET HOW THIS SAPS YOUR SOUL.
Its not complaining ~ it’s reality!
They freely tell me that I need to take care of myself. What am I going to do with my time?
I feel like I walk around with a pasted smile and say things like “ my choice is to take care of my mom. Or, yeah looking forward to the next chapter”
WHAT? How can I start my business against when I’ve got overwhelming responsibility?
to those that are inclined to ask me about siblings…. Please remember that not every family is blessed to have cooperative family. Sometimes siblings are NOT the best people to have around when dealing with financial situations. Or personalities between some sibs and parents are clashing.
I truly feel for you and myself!!
I wish I had the magic answer. My therapist mention to me a woman On TED TALKS. Called Kristin Neff. She talk about self compassion. It helped a little but I’m too wrapped up in the present to apply her principles.
BLESS US ALL!!
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saintseal Sep 2022
Thank you for your reply. I checked out Kristin Neff and it was helpful. Also, someone on here I think recommended Pauline Boss too. I just finished "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" by her and it was completely so much what I needed. I would recommend to everyone on this site. One of the things she says is that caregivers may have sadness (not depression) and immense stress and confusion (not anxiety) from a situation that cannot be fixed. You may experience grief before death in a limbo state from a cascade of losses. Anyway, thank you for your reply. Be well and all the best.
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Dearest Saintsael,
What a beautiful thing you have done. Something that is truly a triumph of love.
Your sister also is to be commended for her cool head and caring insight. She looked at the big picture for not just your Mother but also for you.
Families aren’t always like that.
But now, we’ll, things are different and it’s time to move on.
Recognize that your time with Mother was an escape from the world, and being a caregiver can be so gratifying. It’s a kind of “high”.
You are the one riding in on a white horse to save the day.
Now, it’s just another Tuesday.
Thats a big change.
But you can always be proud of your unselfish gift of care to your Mom.
Get a new hair do.
Paint the walls, throw out old junk and start fresh.
Its time.
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